G.B.F.

'Topher:
Does THIS feel straight to you?

Tanner Daniels:
It does, actually. You Mormons are a horny, repressed people!

'Topher:
You have no idea.

McKenzie Pryce:
Caprice, mission accomplished?

Caprice Winters:
Uh, not yet.

[to the other protestors]

Caprice Winters:
Ok, y'all made your point. I made mine. Now we all have a choice. You can stay out here, bored out of your minds and freezing your asses off with this crazy b*tch, or you can come inside and dance your asses off with this crazy b*tch. I mean, do you really want to go to Heaven if it's filled with nothing but psychos like her?

[all the other protestors apart from McKenzie and Hamilton go into the prom]

Caprice Winters:
That's what I thought. Le'go.

McKenzie Pryce:
[calling after everyone] Suit yourselves! Run towards damnation! I'll see you all in Hell! I mean, I won't see you 'cause I won't be there, but there's probably, like, a window or something where people in Heaven can look down to people in Hell! And I'll see you through that Hell... window... thing!

Hamilton:
That sucks, man. How about an H.J.?

Tanner Daniels:
[voiceover] Ever notice how in high school there's just something about being first, like that girl who's always first to raise her hand, or that first kid to own every new cutting edge iThingy? There's so much pressure to be a trend-setter, a pioneer. Well, not me. Tanner Daniels was just like any other average comic-book geek, more than content to fly under the radar and leave the trailblazing to the others. After all, of the many firsts my peers were vying for, one still remained conspicuously up for grabs. Never in the history of North Gateway High had any student admitted out loud to being an honest-to-goodness, card-carrying, proud - or even slightly modest - homosexual.

Brent Van Camp:
All the teen and tween rags agree - the hottest new trend sweeping schools worldwide is the G.B.F.

Sophie Aster:
G.B.F.?

Brent Van Camp:
Gay best friend. Every celeb has one, so every teen girl needs one, and pretty soon all three prom-queen front-runners will be battling it out for my attention.

Tanner Daniels:
[voiceover, on the three divas who rule the school] Like neighboring warlords in a third-world country, they maintain an uneasy balance of power, friendly but always vigilant of anything that could upset the truce and create all-out social warfare.

Fawcett Brooks:
Well, I can't help it that the school is devoid of the gay. I mean, if there were some, they'd obvi worship me.

Brent Van Camp:
'Shley's Mormon. Their whole shtick is just being relentlessly nice to you until you give up and throw on a pair of their magic underwear.

Sophie Aster:
Yeah, they smile to your face and Prop-8 you in the back.

McKenzie Pryce:
[reading an Internet posting titled "Why you should have a gay best friend"] I can't believe our godless peers read this blasphemy. They're trying to make sin seem "in."

'Shley Osgoode:
I don't know. Don't you ever think it would be kind of neat to meet one? Like a real, live gay?

McKenzie Pryce:
What?

'Shley Osgoode:
You know, we cold bring him to Youth Group or take him out for milkshakes or something. And then, if we're all super-duper nice to him, maybe he'd realize that the only person he should be gay for is Jesus.

McKenzie Pryce:
'Shley, you can't just befriend these people. They're out to steal our brothers, boyfriends, our gerbils, all as part of a secret agenda to spread their gaybies all over America.

'Shley Osgoode:
Aw. Gay babies?

McKenzie Pryce:
No! Like... gay rabies.

Sophie Aster:
What the hell is Guydar?

Glenn Cho:
Where have YOU been? It's the new app that lets gay guys find other gay guys through state-of-the-art, globally-positioned technology.

Brent Van Camp:
She knows.

Glenn Cho:
[defensively] I only know about it because Brent here tried to download it onto MY phone.

Brent Van Camp:
Yeah, and hetero buzzkill here totally cock-blocked me.

Tanner Daniels:
See, I'm not soiling my pristine phone with some slutty gay hookup app.

Brent Van Camp:
Tanner, we're not gonna DO anything. We're just gonna... see if there ARE other gay guys in this town and find out how many cubic feet away they are from us. It's science.

Soledad Braunstein:
But it isn't fair, Ms. Hogel.

Mrs. Hogel:
I'm sorry, Soledad, but the school board was clear. Now, we can't have a gay/straight alliance with an actual gay member.

Soledad Braunstein:
[struggling to keep the gayless Gay/Straight Alliance club alive] What if Viola here came out as a lesbian?

Viola:
Hey! I'm strictly dickly, yo.

Soledad Braunstein:
[sideways to Viola] Just take one for the team.

Sophie Aster:
Like, I will find a real live gay, even if I have to drag the little teen queen out of the closet myself.

Mrs. Hogel:
One day you will meet the gay of your dreams - and it'll be the happiest, most fulfilling day of your life - then it's all downhill from there.

Brent Van Camp:
P.S. your abs ain't too bad, Mr. Four-Pack.

Tanner Daniels:
You sure this is a good idea?

Brent Van Camp:
Was Drake on "Degrassi?" The answer is yes.

Tanner Daniels:
[voiceover] We had little luck chatting up dudes on Guydar that night, but the next day Soledad and her blossoming swarm of fruit flies were preparing to put the app to much better use.

Soledad Braunstein:
You're the secret gay - but you're not even that fabulous.

Mrs. Daniels:
Are you hungry? 'cause I made my world-famous, homemade, gluten-free popsicles. They are delicious.

Mr. Daniels:
Oh, and I hope you made 'em extra thick and fruity, just the way Tanner likes 'em.

Hamilton:
Well, hey, there, Tan Tan. You know, I used to think you were a little fag. I didn't realize you were actually a full-fledged homo!

Hamilton:
We're history, which means you don't tell me what to do anymore.

Fawcett Brooks:
History - now, that's an appropriate word, because that's what you sex life is gonna be if you don't leave him alone. After all, I know things - tiny, little, pinky-sized details. Touch him again and you won't be able to get as much as a half-ass handjob from some flag-twirling color guard skank.

Tanner Daniels:
I'm not much for the whole singing or dancing or being onstage thing.

Caprice Winters:
You sure you're a 'mo?

Sophie Aster:
And is he wearing bronzer?

Glenn Cho:
He's... Spray-Tanner, now.

Fawcett Brooks:
As for queen, they've got us in a three-way.

Fawcett Brooks:
This is an 'A' and gay conversation, so kindly see your next Tuesday out of it.

Fawcett Brooks:
I'd rather say hello to a new handbag than a friend or boyfriend, and they're much easier to return.

Fawcett Brooks:
I'm actually kind of brills when it comes to science-y stuff.

Sophie Aster:
I never RSVP'd to a non-stop pity party.

Tanner Daniels:
[at a no-carb luncheon with Mormons] Wow, this is a whole lot of meat, 'Shley.

'Topher:
Well, that's what you like, isn't it? Meat?

'Shley Osgoode:
You gays are supposed to be experts in man-pleasing, so spill.

'Topher:
So, what do you like most about me, huh?

'Topher:
Dude, in two years I'm gonna go on my mission, in four years I'll probably be married with a bunch of red-headed rugrats running around, so why don't you sit back, relax, and let me get this out of my system?

Fawcett Brooks:
Everyone can relax. The people who matter have arrived.

Fawcett Brooks:
Don't think me presumptuous when I say "bottoms up."

Tanner Daniels:
Ugh! This tastes like ass!

Fawcett Brooks:
Mm-hm. Perfect for you.

Fawcett Brooks:
Look, don't let Caprice pressure you. If you're really that nervous, then just blow off blowing what's-his-name and come to prom as MY arm candy.

Tanner Daniels:
I thought carbs were like gay kryptonite or something.

Fawcett Brooks:
Alcohol is the one exception. Duh. Now, down it, b*tch.

Mrs. Van Camp:
[watching Brokeback Mountain with Brent] Heath! Don't stand on your pride. Get in the tent with Jake, for crying out loud! Good. Get in there. Snuggle up. Snuggle up for warmth. There you go. Oh, it looks like they're waking back up. Huh. Uh-oh. Here we go. Game on. Ha. You know, I do sense an affection there. I mean, I really do feel they care about one another. Oh, my. Well. I guess necessity is the mother of invention. I mean... You know, it's funny, I guess back then they didn't even need... need to use protection really, right?

Tanner Daniels:
Is it just me or is she, like, the worst Mormon ever?

Fawcett Brooks:
It is SO not just you. She's cray-cray.

'Shley Osgoode:
[pulling Glenn aside at a drunken house party] So, your... your friend Tanner won't tell anything about the J's.

Glenn Cho:
The... the... the who?

'Shley Osgoode:
The... the H.J's and the B.J's - pretty much any of the J's - but I've got an idea: You are gonna show me how.

Glenn Cho:
Oh.

'Shley Osgoode:
And it's not gonna count because you're, like, supes gay-mosexual.

Glenn Cho:
Oh-h, yeah, right, but...

'Shley Osgoode:
Shh! Just pretend I'm, like, some super-hot guy - like David Archuleta.

[throws herself upon Glenn]

Glenn Cho:
Oh... oh, David Archuleta? David, don't you worry. I'm gonna teach you all about the H.J's and the... the B.J.'s and the Jay-Z's and the J. J. Abrams.

Tanner Daniels:
I think I have to barf.

Sophie Aster:
I'll hold your hair.

Mindie:
Tan-pon, I heard you bulimed cuisine all over a Mormon.

Fawcett Brooks:
I thought I told you to always drink on an empty stomach.

Tanner Daniels:
Maybe everyone secretly wants a G.B.F. Even moms.

Caprice Winters:
Christian's willing to forget about your projectile vomit and general schwastedness this weekend. He's still willing to go to the prom with you.

Tanner Daniels:
Really? Still?

Caprice Winters:
Believe it, b*tch. Apparently, you being the only decent-looking, age-appropriate gay guy in a twenty-mile radius has given him a convenient case of boner-induced amnesia.

Fawcett Brooks:
You wanna stay a four-pack queer forever? Let's go!

Mrs. Hogel:
I've noticed some disturbing trends in this school as of late. It seems that many of you girls are treating Tanner as more of a prize to be won than an actual person.

Mrs. Hogel:
Listen, girls, I get the appeal. Now, I myself had a gay best friend once and, oh, we were roommates for many fruitful years, but now he's no longer with us.

Tanner Daniels:
Oh.

Viola:
Oh, damn.

Soledad Braunstein:
What? Where'd he go?

Fawcett Brooks:
He obvi died of the hiv, dumbass.

Fawcett Brooks:
If you can't take your boy-toy to prom, I will lead a school-wide boycott, and if they don't meet my - I mean, OUR - demands, then I will just host my own cooler alterna-prom.

Caprice Winters:
This hack-tivist doesn't give a flying fairy about gay rights. She just did it to gain the advantage with you.

Fawcett Brooks:
Oh, you mean like what you did with that male-bate, Christian?

Caprice Winters:
Whatever! At least I tried to bride him with sex. I treated him like an actual human being and not some asexual, neutered little purse puppy.

Fawcett Brooks:
Come on, Tan. I've have enough bad dinner theater dramatics for one day. We've got a revolution to plan.

Caprice Winters:
Do not come for my craft, b*tch!

Fawcett Brooks:
Do not come for my B*TCH, b*tch!

Brent Van Camp:
You know, I hope your Prince Charming gives you everything you want... and also crabs.

Caprice Winters:
Look, we all know you're gayer than a very special episode of Glee.

Student:
[at the ticket table for the alterna-prom] Can I have one, please?

Fawcett Brooks:
No.

Viola:
I'm sorry. You're not on our list of approved students.

Tanner Daniels:
What?

Fawcett Brooks:
This being an indie operation, we've got very limited space, but I'm sure Caprice's old-fashioned loser dance has plenty of tickets available.

Fawcett Brooks:
Look, I didn't make up these rules, but a fugly prom is a failed prom.

McKenzie Pryce:
Sorry, Ellen Jr., but you can't take your poor man's Portia to this dance. Try the pro-sodomy prom.

Fawcett Brooks:
Hey, Shley, you know Caprice calls you a ginger-snatch behind your back, right?

'Shley Osgoode:
She does?

Caprice Winters:
Well, Fawcett said your religion is just Scientology without birth control or famous people.

[Sophie and Glenn approach the ticket table for Fawcett's "cool" prom]

Sophie Aster:
[to Tanner] I hear you and "Spigot" here are denying certain less-than-favorable people tickets.

Fawcett Brooks:
Relax, "So-Fat." You and "Memoirs of a Gay Nerd" are allowed to come. I'm giving you a temporary pass to the cool kid's table.

Sophie Aster:
We wouldn't come if you paid us, Fawcett - or should I say "Fascist?"

Fawcett Brooks:
It's your social funeral, sweetie.

Sophie Aster:
I'll start mourning now.

Sophie Aster:
[to Tanner and Brent] You know what? You both have become so much more than these b*tches' sexless accessories. You've become full-blown tools, in EVERY sense of the word.

Tanner Daniels:
You know, I actually started to believe that you were my friend, but what is this, really? Am I... am I just some tool to you, a... a... a wrench so that you can screw over Caprice and 'Shley?

Fawcett Brooks:
Wrenches don't screw things. God, you ARE gay.

Brent Van Camp:
Listen up, ladies. Tanner and Fawcett are poaching all the cool kids for their little pansy prom. If we don't act quick, we won't have enough people for a halfway-decent hokey pokey. What we need to do is start "prom-oting" prom. Ya feel me?

'Topher:
So, um, do you wanna feel how straight I am?

Brent Van Camp:
Come again?

[kisses Brent]

Brent Van Camp:
Whoa, is this actually happening or is this a dream, because I just changed my sheets yesterday.

'Topher:
Oh, it's real, bro.

[Brent's prom posters make trouble]

Mrs. Hogel:
Oh, in what universe would "Boutonni?res Not Butt-Sex" be appropriate for a prom slogan?

Principal Crowe:
Yeah. And "No Tossing Salads?" I got the cafeteria ladies coming in here asking if I changed the menu!

Tanner Daniels:
...so you should probably say something before I keep saying more things.

Tanner Daniels:
I-I-I could be bi.

Mr. Daniels:
[laughing] Yeah-hah-hah, right!

Mr. Daniels:
[patronizingly] Of course you can.

Sophie Aster:
The indignities and humiliations a guy will go through just for some Mormon ginger-muff.

Tanner Daniels:
You're doing it again.

Fawcett Brooks:
What?

Tanner Daniels:
That noise girls make when they see two gay guys together.

Christian:
Yeah, it's the same annoying sound people make when they see cute animals dressed in human clothes.

Fawcett Brooks:
"Ew." "Gross." "Barf." Is that better?

Christian:
Much.

Brent Van Camp:
Oh, my God, he's doing it. He's going full-Lohan.

Caprice Winters:
Well, that's just sweeter than a pug in a sundress.

'Topher:
For a face like yours, I'll out myself to the entire Mormon Tabernacle choir.

Brent Van Camp:
Instead of risking having you as my B.F., I'd rather keep you forever as my B.F.F.

Tanner Daniels:
Go 'F' yourself.