George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!

George Carlin:
I'd like to begin by saying f*** Lance Armstrong.

George Carlin:
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

George Carlin:
I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

George Carlin:
I think he's down there right now, screaming up at us. And I think he's in severe pain.

George Carlin:
F*** Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

George Carlin:
Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

George Carlin:
Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

[talking about George W. Bush]

George Carlin:
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

[about the phrase "children are our future"]

George Carlin:
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so BLOW ME!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!

[about phrases people use when someone dies]

George Carlin:
"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's f*** the waitress"?

[laughter]

[debunking the belief of parents in heaven helping their living children]

George Carlin:
Now, let's say that these four now grown children also die in accident at the same time. Just for the sake of argument.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Let's say there's an explosion at Thanksgiving dinner.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Now, speaking of parents and speaking of bullshit, two ideas that aren't always mutually exclusive, by the way, I'd like to mention a special kind of bullshit that has taken hold in this country in the last thirty to forty years. It's a form of bullshit that really can only be called "child worship". It's child worship. It's this excessive devotion to children.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
I'm talking about today's professional parents, these obsessive diaper sniffers who are overscheduling and overmanaging their children and robbing them of their childhoods.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Even the simple act of playing has been taken away from children, and put on mommy's schedule in the form of "play dates". Something that should be spontaneous and free is now being rigidly planned. When does a kid ever get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You know? Just sit there with a f***ing stick. Do today's kids even know what a stick is?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You sit in the yard with a f***ing stick... and you dig a f***ing hole. You know?

[applause]

George Carlin:
And you look at the hole, and you look at the stick... and you have a little fun. But kids don't have sticks anymore. I don't think there are any sticks left; I think they've all be recalled because of lead paint!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Who would have thought that one day, the manufacturing of sticks would outsourced to China?

[during his bit about "child worship"]

George Carlin:
Isn't this really just a sophisticated form of child abuse?

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
And speaking of that, speaking of child abuse, next up: GRADE SCHOOL! Grade school, where he won't be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
And he won't be allowed to play dodgeball because it's exclusionary, and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still okay.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Standing around is still permitted, but it won't be for long, because sooner or later some kid is going to be standing around and his foot will fall asleep, and his parents will sue the school, and it will be goodbye f***ing standing around!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
But since the last time I might have seen some of you folks, I have had my seventieth birthday.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah, I'm now seventy years old, and I like seventy. Uh... not as much as I liked sixty-nine.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Well, sixty-nine was always my favorite number. Now, I figure I'm sixty-nine with one finger up my ass.

[laughter]

[about the benefits of getting older]

George Carlin:
The first one is, you never have to carry anything heavy ever again.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Everybody wants to help an old f***. If you've got a big suitcase, or something like that, you know, you just kind of go like this a little bit...

[pantomimes tugging at a heavy suitcase]

George Carlin:
And you say "Yeah, can you help me with this?" They say "Yeah, hey, how far are you going?" "Indianapolis."

George Carlin:
Another nice thing about getting old is you can leave any social event early just by saying you're tired.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Works great with family members. Just turn to the person next to you and you say "Gee, I'm getting tired, you know."

[as family member]

George Carlin:
"Oh, you're tired? Come on, grandpa's tired, grandpa's going to bed." And someone else says "But it's seven thirty in the morning!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
There's always one a**hole in the family. But the best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things; "But it was your daughter's funeral!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
"I forgot!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's Disease. That's a lot of fun. You look around the dining room table and you say "Who are you people and where is my horse?"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Then you stare at your eldest son and say "Agnes! I haven't seen you since First Communion!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
[on long-winded people and their banal conversation] And while all of this is going on, you're searching through your mind for something gracious and diplomatic you can say to bring the conversation to a close; and all I can ever come up with is, "SHUT THE F*** UP! SHUT THE F*** UP! SHUT THE F*** UP! SHUT THE F*** UP!"

George Carlin:
It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

George Carlin:
[George Carlin's final joke] Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true: I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights - I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please. But, if I do something you don't like, I think you have the right to kill me. So where you gonna find a fairer f***ing deal than that? So the next time some a**hole says to you, "I have a right to my opinion," you say, "Oh yeah? Well, I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is that you have no right to your opinion." Then shoot the f*** and walk away!

[first lines]

George Carlin:
I'd like to begin by saying f*** Lance Armstrong. F*** him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that a**hole. And while you're at it, f*** Tiger Woods too!

[about swearing on the Bible in court]

George Carlin:
Suppose they hand you a Bible that's upside down. Or backwards. Or both. Would that count?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible, and half the pages are missing.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Suppose the only Bible they have is a Chinese bible, in an American court. Or a Braille bible, and you're not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside down, backwards Chinese Braille bible with half the pages missing.

[laughter]

[about the advantages of getting older]

George Carlin:
You can even sh*t in your pants!

[laughter]

George Carlin:
They expect it! I haven't tried that yet, but I don't rule it out. I'm keeping my options open. Everything is on the table.

[pause]

George Carlin:
Perhaps that's not the figure of speech I wanted.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Speaking of child abuse, next stop grade school! Where he won't be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
And he won't be able to play dodgeball because it's exclusionary and it promotes agression. Standing around is still okay. Standing around is still permitted but it won't be for long because sooner or later some kid is gonna be standing around and his foot will fall asleep and his parents will sue the school and it will be goodbye f***in' standing around

[laughter]

[as a kid, with his friend]

George Carlin:
He'd say "you swear on your mother's grave?" I'd say "yeah!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
'Cause first of all, if my mother was alive, she wouldn't even have a grave. And even if she was dead, what's she going to do? Rise from the grave and come and haunt me?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Come and haunt me? All because I told a lie to an eight year old? Get f***ing real!

George Carlin:
In today's America, no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone's a winner. No matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy, no one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important, character building words: "You lost, Bobby!"

[laughter]

George Carlin:
"You lost, you're a loser, Bobby!" They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? "You were the last winner." A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their twenties. When their boss calls them in and says "Bobby, clean the sh*t out of your desk and get the f*** out of here, you're a loser."

George Carlin:
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

George Carlin:
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people.

[raucous laughter]

George Carlin:
I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the f*** out of there. And my reason for this... my reason is one that you may share, possibly. I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit.

[laughter and applause]

George Carlin:
That's all. Stupid bullshit. You know? And everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit.