Ghostbusters

Egon Spengler:
There's something very important I forgot to tell you.

Peter Venkman:
What?

Spengler:
Don't cross the streams.

Venkman:
Why?

Spengler:
It would be bad.

Venkman:
I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?

Spengler:
Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Ray Stantz:
Total protonic reversal.

Venkman:
Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

[The Ghostbusters have just completed a hunt in a hotel]

Peter Venkman:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Hotel Manager:
Did you see it? What was it?

Ray Stantz:
[holding up the steaming ghost-trap] We got it!

Hotel Manager:
What is it? Will there be any more of them?

Stantz:
Sir, what you had there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class Five full-roaming vapor. Real nasty one, too!

Venkman:
Let's talk seriously, now. [Spengler holds up four fingers behind the Manager] For the entrapment, we're gonna have to ask you for four big ones. Four-thousand dollars for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast, [Spengler holds up one finger] and that's only going to come to one-thousand dollars, fortunately.

Hotel Manager:
Five thousand dollars? I had no idea it would be so much. I won't pay it.

Venkman:
Well, that's all right. We can just put it right back in there.

Stantz:
We certainly can, Dr. Venkman.

Hotel Manager:
No, no, no, no! All right! I'll pay anything!

Venkman:
Thanks so much.

(EPA agent Walter Peck is visiting the Ghostbusters' home base but is frustrated at their stonewalling)

Walter Peck:
And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?

Peter Venkman:
In a storage facility.

Peck:
And may I see this storage facility?

Venkman:
No.

Peck:
Why not?

Venkman:
Because you did not use the magic word.

Peck:
What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?

Venkman:
"Please."

Peck:
[chuckles] May I please see the storage facility?

Venkman:
Why do you want to see the storage facility?

Peck:
Well, because I'm curious. I want to know more about what you do here! Frankly, there have been a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess for any possible environmental impact from your operation! For instance, the presence of noxious, possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement! Now you either show me what is down there, or I come back with a court order.

Venkman:
You go get a court order! And I'll sue your ass for wrongful prosecution.

Peck:
You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.

[The Ghostbusters are studying the blueprints of Dana's apartment building and uncover some startling facts]

Egon Spengler:
The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.

Ray Stantz:
Cold riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.

Peter Venkman:
[to jailbirds] Everyone getting this so far? So what? I guess they just don't make them like they used to.

Stantz:
[slaps Venkman up the head] No! Nobody ever made them like this! The architect was either a certified genius or an authentic wacko!

Venkman:
Ray, for a moment, pretend that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.

Stantz:
You never studied. The whole building is a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend, Pete, lives in the corner penthouse of Spook Central.

Venkman:
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers! She barks, she drools, she claws...

Spengler:
It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building! Something terrible is about to enter our world, and this building is obviously the door. The architect's name was Ivo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then in 1920, he founded a secret society.

Venkman:
Let me guess: Gozer worshippers?

Spengler:
Right.

Venkman:
[to Stantz] "No studying"!

Spengler:
After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn't alone; he had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof, bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world, and now it looks like it may actually happen!

Venkman:
[singing] So be good, for goodness sake! Whoa! Somebody's coming! Somebody's coming!

Ray Stantz:
We have to get out of here. We've gotta get a judge or something.

Zeddemore:
Hey, wait a minute! Hold it! Now are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is gonna drop in on Central Park West and start tearing up the city?!

Spengler:
Sumerian, not Babylonian.

Venkman:
Yeah. Big difference.

Zeddemore:
No offense, guys, but I gotta get my own lawyer.

Ray Stantz:
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!

Mayor:
Is this true?

Peter Venkman:
Yes it's true. This man is has no dick.

Peck:
Jeez! [charges at Venkman]

Mayor:
Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!

Peck:
Alright, alright, alright!

Venkman:
Well, that's what I heard!

[The Ghostbusters try to convince New York's Mayor to let them go and face the ghost threat all over the Big Apple]

Peter Venkman:
Well, you can believe Mr. Pecker...

Walter Peck:
My name is "Peck."

Venkman:
Or you can accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

Mayor:
What do you mean, "biblical"?

Ray Stantz:
What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff!

Venkman:
Exactly.

Stantz:
Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas boiling!

Spengler:
Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes!

Winston Zeddemore:
The dead rising from the grave!

Venkman:
Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria!

Mayor:
Enough, I get the point! And what if you're wrong?

Venkman:
If we're wrong, then nothing happens! We go to jail; peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if we're right, and we can stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Walter Peck:
I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these men!

Mayor:
[to officers while pointing at Peck] Get him outta here.

[Gozer materializes in front of the Ghostbusters in the form of a woman.]

Ray Stantz:
Gozer the Gozerian? Good evening. As a duly-designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension.

Peter Venkman:
That 'oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.

Gozer:
Are you a god?

Ray Stantz:
[looks at Venkman, who nods] Err... No.

Gozer:
Then... DIIIIIIIIE! [sends the Ghostbusters sprawling with lightning bolts]

Winston Zeddmore:
Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES!"

Gozer:
Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!

Ray Stantz:
What do you mean, choose? We don't understand!

Gozer:
Choose! Choose the form of the Destructor!

Peter Venkman:
Oh, I get it. Real cute! [to the others] Whatever we think of- if we think of J. Edgar Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover will appear and destroy us, okay? So empty your heads, don't think of anything. We've only got one shot at this.

Gozer:
The choice is made!

Venkman:
Whoa! Hold on!

Gozer:
The Traveller has come!

Venkman:
Nobody chose anything! [turns to Egon] Did you think of anything?

Egon Spengler:
No.

Venkman:
[to Winston] Did you?

Winston Zeddmore:
My mind is totally blank.

Venkman:
I didn't think anything. [All three slowly turn to look at Ray]

Stantz:
I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Venkman:
[sternly] What? What "just popped in there?"

Stantz:
I- I- I tried to think...

Spengler:
Look! [They all look over one side of the roof]

Stantz:
No! It can't be!

Venkman:
What is it?

Stantz:
It can't be!

Venkman:
What did you do, Ray?!

Zeddemore:
Oh no! [They all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat]

Stantz:
[sighs, resigned] It's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

[Watching the gigantic Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man stamping towards them]

Ray Stantz:
I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

Peter Venkman:
Nice thinkin', Ray.

Stantz:
We used to roast Stay Puft Marshmallows on the fire at Camp Waconda...

Venkman:
Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon. What you got?

Egon Spengler:
Sorry, Venkman, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought

Egon Spengler:
I have a radical idea. If the door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.

Peter Venkman:
How?

Spengler:
We'll cross the streams.

Venkman:
Excuse me, Egon, you said crossing the streams was bad.

Ray Stantz:
Cross the streams...

Venkman:
You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client. The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog.

Spengler:
Not necessarily. There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive. [team ponders]

Venkman:
I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it. Let's do it!

Winston Zeddmore:
This job is definitely not worth eleven-five a year!

They're Here To Save The World.

Coming To Save The World This Summer.

We're Ready To Believe You.

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

The supernatural spectacular

They ain't afraid of no ghost.

The world's most successful comedy

Dr. Peter Venkman :
Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?

Librarian Alice :
My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.

Dr. Peter Venkman :
I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?

Librarian Alice :
No.

Dr. Peter Venkman :
No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?

Library Administrator :
What has that got to do with it?

Dr. Peter Venkman :
Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman :
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Dr. Peter Venkman :
We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!

Dr. Peter Venkman :
NOBODY steps on a church in my town.

Dr. Raymond Stantz :
My parents left me that house. I was born there.

Dr. Peter Venkman :
You're not gonna lose the house, everybody has three mortgages nowadays.

Dana Barrett:
That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.

Peter Venkman:
What a crime.

Ray Stantz:
You know, it's just occurred to me. We really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.

Egon Spengler:
I blame myself.

Peter Venkman:
So do I.

Ray Stantz:
Well, no sense in worrying about it now.

Peter Venkman:
Why worry? Each one of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

Ray Stantz:
Yep. Well, let's get ready. Switch me on.

[Egon turns on Ray's proton pack, and he and Peter back away from Ray uneasily]

[ EPA agent Walter Peck is visiting the Ghostbusters]

Peter Venkman:
Can I help you?

Walter Peck:
I'm Walter Peck, I'm with the Environmental Protection... [Venkman shakes hands with Peck and still has Ectoplasm on his hands] ...Agency, the third district.

Peter Venkman:
[wipes the Ectoplasm on Peck's Suit] Great, how's it going down there?

Walter Peck:
Are you Peter Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
Yes, I'm... Dr. Venkman.

Walter Peck:
Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
Well, I have a PhD in Parapsychology and Psychology.

Walter Peck:
I see. And now, you catch ghosts.

Peter Venkman:
Yeah, you can say that.

Walter Peck:
And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
I'm not at liberty to say.

Walter Peck:
And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?

Peter Venkman:
Into a storage facility.

Walter Peck:
And would the storage facility be located on these premises?

Peter Venkman:
Yes.

Walter Peck:
And may I see this storage facility?

Peter Venkman:
No.

Walter Peck:
And why not, Mr. Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
Because you did not use the magic word.

Walter Peck:
What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
"Please."

Walter Peck:
May I please see the [chuckles] storage facility, Mr. Venkman?

Peter Venkman:
Why do you want to see the storage facility?

Walter Peck:
Well, because I'm curious. I want to know more about what you do here. Frankly, there have been a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess for any possible environmental impact from your operation. For instance, the presence of noxious, possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement. Now you either show me what is down there, or I come back with a court order.

Peter Venkman:
You go get a court order, and I'll sue your ass for wrongful prosecution.

Walter Peck:
You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.

Walter Peck:
I am Walter Peck, sir, and I'm prepared to make a full report. These men are consummate snowball artists. They use sensitive nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing ghosts, and they call these bozos, who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show.

Ray Stantz:
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!

Mayor:
Is this true?

Venkman:
Yes it's true. This man has no dick.

Walter Peck:
Jeez! [charges at Venkman; everybody tries to pull them apart]

Police Sergeant:
Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!

Walter Peck:
Alright, alright, alright!

Peter Venkman:
Well, that's what I heard!

Mayor:
This is City Hall! Now what am I gonna do here, John? What is this?

Fire Commissioner:
All I know is that was no light show we saw this morning. I've seen every kind of combustion known to man, but this beats the Hell out of me.

Police Commissioner:
The walls in the 53rd precinct were bleeding. How do you explain that?

Archbishop:
[enters City Hall] Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Mayor:
Oh... Your Eminence. [kisses Archbishop's ring]

Archbishop:
How are you, Lenny?

Mayor Lenny:
You're looking good, Mike. [gives Mike a friendly tap] We're in a real fix, here. What do you think I should do?

Mike:
Lenny, officially, the Church will not take any position on the religious implications of these phenomena. Personally, Lenny, I think it's a sign from God. But don't quote me on that.

Peter Venkman:
I think that's a smart move, Mike.

Mayor Lenny:
Now, I'm not gonna call a press conference and tell everyone to start praying.

Winston Zeddemore:
I'm, uh, Winston Zeddemore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but I gotta tell you: these things are real. Since I joined these men, I have seen sh*t that'll turn you white!

Peter Venkman:
Well, you can believe Mr. Pecker...

Walter Peck:
My name is "Peck."

Peter Venkman:
...or you could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

Mayor Lenny:
What do you mean, "biblical"?

Ray Stantz:
What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real Wrath-of-God type stuff!

Peter Venkman:
Exactly.

Ray Stantz:
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Egon Spengler:
40 years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes!

Winston Zeddemore:
The dead rising from the grave!

Peter Venkman:
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Mayor Lenny:
Enough, I get the point! And what if you're wrong?

Peter Venkman:
If I'm wrong, then nothing happens! We go to jail; peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm right, and we can stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters. [Mayor slightly smiles and the Archbishop of New York nods in agreement]

Walter Peck:
I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these men.

Mayor:
[contemplates; to officers while pointing at Peck] Get him outta here.

Peter Venkman:
[waving] Bye.

Walter Peck:
I'll fix you, Venkman. I'm gonna fix you!

Peter Venkman:
I am going to send you a nice fruit basket. I'm gonna miss him!

Walter Peck:
All right, all right!

Mayor Lenny:
Alright, we've got work to do. Now what do you need from me?

Gozer the Gozerian:
Sub-creatures. Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volgus Zildrohar, the Traveler has come. Choose and perish.

Ray Stantz:
What do you mean, choose? We don't understand.

Gozer the Gozerian:
Choose. Choose the form of the Destructor.

Peter Venkman:
Oh, I get it! I get it. Oh! Very cute. [to the others] "Whatever we think of." If we think of J. Edgar Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover will appear and destroy us, okay? So empty your heads. Empty your heads. Don't think of anything. We've only got one shot at this.

Gozer the Gozerian:
The choice is made.

Peter Venkman:
Whoa! Ho-ho--! Whoa!

Gozer the Gozerian:
The Traveler has come.

Peter Venkman:
Nobody "choosed" anything! [turns to Egon] Did you choose anything?

Egon Spengler:
No.

Peter Venkman:
[to Winston] Did you?

Winston Zeddemore:
My mind is totally blank.

Peter Venkman:
I didn't choose anything! [All three slowly turn to confront Ray]

Ray Stantz:
I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Peter Venkman:
[sternly] What? What just popped in there?

Ray Stantz:
I-- I-I tried to think--

Egon Spengler:
LOOK! [They all look over one side of the roof]

Ray Stantz:
No! It can't be!

Peter Venkman:
What is it?

Ray Stantz:
It can't be!

Peter Venkman:
What did you do, Ray?

Winston Zeddemore:
Oh, sh*t!

[They all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat]

Ray Stantz:
[resigned] It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

[the Ghostbusters watch the gigantic form of Mr. Stay-Puft stomping towards them]

Peter Venkman:
Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Ray Stantz:
I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood, something that could never, ever possibly destroy us: Mr. Stay-Puft.

Peter Venkman:
Nice thinkin', Ray.

Ray Stantz:
We used to roast Stay Puft Marshmallows, on the fire at Camp Waconda. [feeling as if he's about to cry]

Peter Venkman:
Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon. What have you got left?

Egon Spengler:
Sorry, Venkman. I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

[the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man growls at the Ghostbusters]

Winston Zeddemore:
[stunned] Oh, no.

Peter Venkman:
Mother pus-bucket. [Mr. Stay Puft growls and crushes a church] Nobody steps on a church in my town!

Ray Stantz:
1...2...3... Roast 'im! [he and the other Ghostbusters set Mr. Stay Puft on fire, and he starts climbing the building]

Peter Venkman:
Whoa! [he and the other Ghostbusters hide]

Ray Stantz:
Funny, us going out like this: Killed by a 100-foot Marshmallow Man.

Peter Venkman:
We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay-Puft is okay. He's a sailor, he's in New York. We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble.

[Mr. Stay-Puft continues climbing building]

Egon Spengler:
I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways. We could reverse the particle flow through the gate.

Ray Stantz:
How?

Egon Spengler:
[reluctantly] We'll cross the streams.

Peter Venkman:
Excuse me, Egon, you said crossing the streams was bad.

Ray Stantz:
Cross the streams.

Peter Venkman:
You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client. The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog.

Egon Spengler:
Not necessarily. There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive. [team ponders]

Peter Venkman:
I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! Let's do it!

Winston Zeddemore:
This job is definitely not worth $11,500 a year!

[Last line]

Winston Zeddemore:
I love this town!

Ray If someone asks you if you're a god you say yes

Peter Venkman:
All right. This chick is toast!

[The Ghostbusters form a line and slowly, confidently advance on Gozer.]

Peter Venkman:
Got your stick?

Ray, Egon, Winston:
[together] Holdin'!

Peter Venkman:
Heat 'em up!

Ray, Egon, Winston:
[together] Smokin'!

Peter Venkman:
Make 'em haaard!

Ray, Egon, Winston:
[together] Ready!

Peter Venkman:
Let's show this prehistoric b*tch how we do things downtown.

Dr. Ray Stantz:
Personally, I liked the University. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results.

Winston Zeddemore:
Ah, If there's a steady paycheck in it?, I believe anything you say.

Librarian Alice:
I don't remember seeing any legs, but it definitely had arms, because it reached out for me.

Ray Stantz:
[happily] Arms? I can't wait to get a look at this thing!

Peter Venkman:
Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?

Librarian Alice:
My uncle thought he was St. Jerome.

Peter Venkman:
I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs, stimulants, alcohol?

Librarian Alice:
No.

Peter Venkman:
No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?

Library Administrator:
[disturbed] (What?) What has that got to do with it?

Peter Venkman:
Back off, man. I'm a scientist.