Good Burger

Kurt:
You make your sauce for Kurt.

Ed:
Who's Kurt?

Kurt:
I'm Kurt.

Ed:
I'm Ed.

Kurt:
I'm aware!

Ed:
You said you were Kurt.

Kurt:
You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder.

Dexter:
Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?

Ed:
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?

Ed:
That's what I gave you.

Ed:
But you said you wanted nothing on it.

Ed:
Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".

Ed:
Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

Fizz:
Uh, something?

Ed:
I win!

Ed:
The manager already knows my name.

Ed:
OK! See you there!

Dexter:
Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

Ed:
Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

Kurt:
Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

Ed:
Okay.

Ed:
I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

Mr. Wheat:
My afro! My afro!

Dexter:
WHY?

Mr. Wheat:
Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.

Dexter:
So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?

Monique:
I thought I'd go home.

Dexter:
Home? Why?

Monique:
Well... that's where my stuff is.

Otis:
I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

Dexter:
Shark poison!

Ed:
Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

Dexter:
Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?

Otis:
Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.

Ed:
I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.

Dexter:
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Ed:
Ever been to Australia?

Dexter:
No.

Ed:
Me neither.

Ed:
This is where I come to think... I think.

Dexter:
Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

Heather:
Hi!

Ed:
Hi!

Heather:
I'm a psychopath.

Ed:
I'm Ed.

Heather:
D'you think I'm cute?

Ed:
Sure.

Heather:
What's cute about me?

Ed:
Uh... your head.

Heather:
You have a cute head too!

Ed:
Well, I try to keep it nice.

Ed:
You got it!

Dexter:
Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

Mr. Wheat:
I'm worried about you.

Dexter:
I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.

Kurt:
Can I give you a lift, Ed?

Ed:
I don't know, I weigh about 150.

Kurt:
Just get in the car.

Dexter:
I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

Ed:
Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

Dexter:
What? What are you talking about?

Ed:
Okay, I give up. Who am I?

Dexter:
I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

Ed:
I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him or anything so I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meal supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

Dexter:
You thought all that?

Ed:
Yeah. I'm not stupid.

Dexter:
I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

Ed:
I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

Ed:
I know some of these words.

Ed:
You wanna see my secret place?

Dexter:
That's now what I had in mind.

Roxanne:
Do you know what would be great on this corn dog?

Ed:
A turtleneck?

Dexter:
Ed, I don't know how to say this...

Ed:
Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

Ed:
What are you chicken?

Ed:
Mooooooo.

Roxanne:
Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?

Ed:
I like to have dinner every night.

Mr. Wheat:
What's your hurry, my brother?

Dexter:
Uh, my hurry is it's now officially summer vacation and yet I'm still looking at you.

Mr. Wheat:
You're an amazing student. I mean, you sit there and get your test done first, and you were concentrating so hard I thought you were sleep.

Dexter:
Next time make it more challenging.

Mr. Wheat:
That's what I want to talk to you about. Challenges, potential, using your mind. Cause I'm worried about you

Dexter:
I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots, and this jacket...You have a nice summer, Shaft!

Jake:
Nice car. This yours?

Dexter:
No. It's my mom's, and she's away on business in New York.

Jake:
And she let you drive this while she's out of town?

Dexter:
Nope. (speeds off)

Ed:
Mr. Baily! This guy need a job. Can he have one?

Mr. Baily:
No!

Dexter:
See ya.

Ed:
No, wait, wait! C'mon, Mr. Baily, he really needs one. He can do fries.

Mr. Baily:
Otis does fries.

Ed:
Yeah, but look at him. How much longer could he possibly live?

Otis:
I should've died years ago.

Dexter:
Tough break.

Ed:
Welcome to Good Burger. Home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

Construction Worker:
Well, it's about time. Can I get 2 Good Burgers?

Ed:
Sorry, dude. I have to go get them. Customers aren't allowed in back.

Construction Worker:
(irritated) Just give me 2 Good Burgers!

Ed:
Dude, I can't just give you two Good Burgers. You have to pay for 'em!

Construction Worker:
Forget it!

Mr. Baily:
(about Mondo Burger) They're competition. Big competition.

Monique:
Yep. They could put us out of business.

(the rest of the employees begin to agree with her)

Mr. Baily:
All right! Now, come on! Good Burger has been here for over 40 years! People love us! (looks at Ed) Most of us...

Kurt:
(blows whistle) Shut up! Just be quiet!

Dexter:
Well, It'd be a lot more quiet if you stopped blowing the whistle.

Kurt:
(addressing employees) From now on your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends, you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother and your father.

Dexter:
(whispering to female co-worker) Kurt must look awfully strange naked.

Kurt:
You mess with Kurt and you go into the grinder.

Dexter:
Okay, now this grinder of yours, is it a real grinder or is it some kind of a methaphor?

Kurt:
That's it you're gone! Adios, TKO, historical!

Dexter:
Wait, wait, wait. I won't be funny no more.

Kurt:
Security!

(security storms into the room)

Dexter:
Wait! You ain't gotta bring the man down here! Kurt, come on, please! I need this job!

Kurt:
Take out the trash!

Dexter:
(offended) 'Trash?' Okay, now lookee here-

(guards grab Dexter)

Kurt:
Get this loser out of my face!

Dexter:
'Loser?!' Oh, now you're about to push me a little too far!

Kurt:
You want a piece of me?

Dexter:
Yeah! Extra crispy please!

Customer:
(motioning to Ed) Excuse me! Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it!

Ed:
That's what I gave you.

Customer:
No, you gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look there's no meat in here.

Ed:
But you said you wanted nothing on it.

Customer:
Yes, but I expected a meat patty!

Ed:
Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

Fizz:
Uh, something?

Ed:
(raises arm in the air) I win!

Customer:
All right, that rips it! I am reporting your name to the manager!

Ed:
The manager already knows my name.

Customer:
Oh, I'll see you in Hell.

Ed:
Okay, see ya there!

Dexter:
Hey, you look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Ed:
Ever been to Australia?

Dexter:
No.

Ed:
Me neither.

Dexter:
I've could've sworn I've seen you someplace before.

Ed:
Hey, I know! Maybe I'm someone famous! You know, like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!

Dexter:
What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?

Ed:
Okay, okay. I give up. Who am I?

Dexter:
Man, I don't know who you are. Or where I know you from. Or why you think you're an attractive nurse, but I am sure I don't wanna know you any longer. Now, please go away, I've had a very bad day.

Dexter:
Man, I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger. I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me. He made fun of me. (looks downcast)

Ed:
Boy, you must really suck.

Dexter:
See right about now I'd slap you in your head but I'm not sure if your brain would understand the concept of pain.

Ed:
(after Dexter gets the job at Good Burger) Cool! I'll teach him everything I know!

Mr. Baily:
(groans) Oh...God, help me.

Dexter:
Hello. My name is Dexter. I'm your new co-worker.

Monique:
(slightly irritated) Monique.

Dexter:
Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there, Monique. And those stripes really bring out the color in your eyes.

Monique:
(sarcastically) Yes. You can imagine how embarrassed I was when I came to work and saw everyone wearing the same thing.

Dexter:
(laughs uneasily) Okay. I guess I'll see you later then.

Monique:
I guess you will. (walks off)

(Ed is driving the Burger-Mobile)

Dexter:
That was a stop sign!

Ed:
Uh...no?

Dexter:
(whines) Aw, man!

Kurt:
Hey check it, boys. Right back there. It's the reject.

(Kurt and his friends laugh)

Dexter:
Hey check it, Ed. It's the Mondo idiot.

Ed:
Oh, well, nice to meet you Mondo Idiot. I'm Ed.

Kurt:
Can I give you a lift, Ed?

Ed:
Gee, I don't know dude. I weigh about 150.

Kurt:
I want you to come work for me at Mondo Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.

Ed:
Who's Kurt?

Kurt:
I'm Kurt!

Ed:
I'm Ed.

Kurt:
I'm aware!

Ed:
You said you were Kurt.

Ed:
(about Kurt) I think he likes me.

Dexter:
Ed! That diphthong doesn't like you, he just wants to use you!

Ed:
Well, that's not 'natural.'

Roxanne:
Ed, can't we go somewhere and be alone?

Ed:
What for?

Roxanne:
Well we can just talk or get to know each other a little better. Now, doesn't that sound like more fun than miniature golf?

Ed:
(looks at the audience for a few seconds)

Ed:
(looking back at Roxanne) No! Come on!

Roxanne:
You are so hot.

Ed:
Oh, well, I often sweat at work.

Dexter:
(about Monique) How can I not like her? She smart, fun, beautiful and cuddly.

Ed:
Then just ask her out.

Dexter:
Naw.

Ed:
What, you're chicken?

Dexter:
I'm not a chicken!

Ed:
Are too! Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo!

Dexter:
CHICKENS! (quieter) Chickens don't moo Ed. They cluck. (Imitates chicken sound)

Ed (later in the scene):
Moo.

Dexter:
So, uh, you like me?

Monique:
Of course. So, uh, you like me?

Dexter:
Are you kiddin'? I liked you from the first time I saw you! Right off the bat. But I guess it was the same thing for you, huh?

Monique:
No, actually I thought you were self-centered and obnoxious.

Dexter:
Well, so much for my self-esteem.

Men Singer:
Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick NICKELODEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

Dexter:
Stuff. Ha, ha, ha.

Ed:
Hey, Dex. Want to hang out tonight?

Dexter:
I don't know, but-- Hey Ed, you better be careful. (before Dexter realizes that Ed is the one who was a roller-blading and delivery blades right in front of Dexter which caused his accident, when Ed accidentally pushed Otis over, and breaks his pelvis)

Dexter:
(angrily points at Ed) You!

Ed:
(turns around and looked at Dexter) Me?

Dexter:
(blaming Ed about he saw Ed somewhere before and causing his accident) Now I know where I saw you before. You're the roller-blading nut that caused my accident.

Ed:
Uh... no?

Dexter:
You're the reason why I owe 1,900 bucks. You're the reason my mom found out I was driving without a license. And you cost me a fortune. You wrecked my summer, man. You ruined my life.

Ed:
So, you don't want to hang out tonight?

Dexter:
No. I don't want to hang out with you... ever.

Otis:
(asking Dexter) Do you think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.

Dexter:
(to Otis) Come on, Otis. (telling Ed) Get out of the way.

Dexter Reed:
(to Ed) I don't wanna sit by you. I don't wanna see you. I don't wanna smell you. I don't wanna hang out with you. I don't even wanna use words with the letter "U"!

Fizz:
Nobody's ever abbreviated my name before. I love that!

Otis:
(after eating French fries with Ed's sauce on it) It makes me glad I'm not dead.

Attendant:
(after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket) Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!

Ed:
Um, look, Dex, I like you as a friend and all, but it might...

Dex:
No. Listen to me carefully.

Ed:
Okay.

Dex:
Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

Ed:
Oh. Well, first you start off with a little lemon juice...

Dex:
Stop it! Stop talking.

Ed:
Oh.

Dex:
Never tell anyone the ingredients of your sauce.

Ed:
Why?

Dex:
You want to save Good Burger, don't you?

Ed:
Oh, yeah. Good Burger's my life.

Dex:
Well, then, you got to keep your sauce recipe a secret. All right?

Ed:
Okay.

Dex:
All right.

Ed:
Um, Dex?

Dex:
Hmm?

Ed:
You're squishing my pancreas.

Dex:
Sorry.

Ed:
Thanks.

Kurt Bozwell:
[repeated line] You mess with Kurt, and you go into the grinder.