Good Times

Thelma:
Hey, that's weird. It's gone. Now I know that cake was in here this morning.

J.J.:
Looking for dead roaches. Because if they ate that cake, they couldn't got too far.

James:
We are poor, and poor is one of three things people don't want to be. Right next to sick, and dead.

J.J.:
Around here, we've got something more powerful than Drano. See, all we do is hang a picture of Thelma's face over the drain, and the clog goes away. We call it: Thelmo.

Thelma:
Yes, and when it's really clogged, we have to use the snake, so we send J.J. down there personally.

Bookman:
I don't believe it. Y'all done tricked me again.

Willona:
No, we didn't trick you, honey. [under her breath]Thank you for the dollar, sucker.

Bookman:
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, this ticket says "Come in costume". What am I supposed to do about a costume?

J.J.:
Hey, Bookman, just grab a basketball, and you can come as the Harlem Globetrotters.

Michael:
Hey, Thelma. You about ready for that kissing booth?

Thelma:
Yep, I've got my lips, and my lip gloss, and... Oh, Michael, you didn't tell me how much to sell my kisses for.

J.J.:
Thelma, be ready to make change of a dime.

Thelma:
You know something, if you were in there, it wouldn't be a kissing booth... it would be a house of horrors, you ugly monster.

Michael:
Daddy friend Monte told him that everything's going to be okay.

Florida:
That's the same Monte who said that Nixon was going to be poor folks best friend.

Thelma:
Don't worry, daddy. I've got eyes like an eagle.

J.J.:
And a face like a beagle.

Sweet Daddy:
Sweet Daddy has to protect his image.

Michael:
How can you? Vampires don't cast images.

Sweet Daddy:
I'll remember that, if you ever grow up.

J.J.:
Van Gough, and Rembrandt, don't be uptight, cause here comes KID DYNOMITE.

Penny:
Is he here?

Michael:
Is who here?

Penny:
I don't know his name, but he's tall, skinny, and beautiful.

Michael:
Hold on now. Tall, and skinny we've got, but beautiful?

J.J.:
Here's the way it comes down, Michael. The alleged mama, took her alleged fist, and hit the little kid's alleged back, and left a mess of alleged bruises, that were legally clear.

Larry:
Someday, I plan to own my own gas station.

Florida:
When is "someday", Larry?

Larry:
In about 10 years, ma'am.

J.J.:
There won't be no gas left by then.

Florida:
I don't have to ask who hung this picture up here, Michael Evans, but before I hang you in its place, why?

James:
[to Thelma and Michael] If I do have hypertension, y'all gave it to me wit' all that nickin' and naggin' goin' on. Junior here's the only one who haven't got on my nerves.

J.J.:
That's because, one, I respect you, and two, I fear for my life.

J.J.:
Looks just like me, slim, black and DYN-O-MITE.

Florida:
Did you here yourself James, you said "ain't" 3 times in a row.

James:
So.

Florida:
"Ain't" is not a word.

James:
OH yeah... its in the dictionary.

Florida:
No "aint" ain't, but isn't is... look it up.

James:
I cant.

Florida:
Why?

James:
"AINT" got no dictionary.

Grandpa:
In this box is something that is going to get all of us out of the ghetto.

J.J.:
What is it? A BOMB.

Florida Evans:
And I must give thanks to the good Lord above for giving us such a beautiful Christmas gift: a loving family and warm friends.

James 'J.J.' Evans Jr.:
I bet he tells little kids that Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is an alcoholic.

Nathan Bookman:
I'm appalled. I mean, the thought of a Christmas bonus never entered my mind.

Willona Evans:
Oh, I'm glad, honey, 'cause it never entered our minds, either.

Michael Evans:
Don't you know what today is?

J.J. Evans:
Yeah, Blue Monday. Followed by Broke Tuesday, followed by Disasters Wednesday. From there the rest of the week go DOWN HILL.

Michael Evans:
Today is the first day of Black History Week.

J.J. Evans:
[about his painted portrait] Sweet Daddy Williams is black.

Michael Evans:
But you should be painting someone more relevant to black history.

J.J. Evans:
Relevant? Are you jiving? Sweet Daddy Williams owns three apartment houses, two Cadillacs and a Lincoln. He ain't never worked a day in his life and he never been to jail. He's the SAME DUDE that got shot five times and ran seven miles to the hospital. Now if that ain't black history, I don't know what is.

James Sr:
James Junior! Them passing grades you got? You didn't deserve them, they just gave em to you to get rid of ya!

JJ:
And now to open Thelma's present - the wonderful cap!

Thelma:
How'd you know that?

JJ:
I did a little search and seizure in your room the other day... Ah! The color I wanted!

Thelma:
That's not the one I bought!

JJ:
I know, I already exchanged it! - when the chicks see this hat, I'm gonna have wall to wall hickeys!

[JJ's just been arrested on suspicion of armed robbery]

Policeman:
J.J. you fit the description of the suspect - a tall, skinny, young, black man.

JJ:
You just described most of Chicago!

J.J:
[Loretta goes into labor and JJ calls the doctor, frantic]

J.J:
Hello? Doc? Look here! I got one of your patients here about to have a baby! See you at the clinic. Check?... Just do what? Are you sure you a baby Doctor? Oh! [JJ hangs up] I dialed the wrong number! I got the pet hospital!

Michael:
JJ, are you sure?

J.J:
It musta' been! He told me to put Loretta in a cardboard box and let nature take it's course!

[while Loretta is in labor JJ calls for a cab]

J.J:
Hello? Yellow Cab Company? Look here man! We need one of your vehicles right away!... Yeah!... Oh no, we just right over here in the projects and... (Operator hangs up) Hello? Hello? They afraid to come in to this neighborhood! No wonder they call their cabs yellow!

Some White Guy:
Somebody's getting mugged on the 14th floor!

JJ:
You lucky the mugger was busy, otherwise, you'd a been the muggee.

[Thelma's listening to some classical music]

J.J:
What is that music?

Thelma:
That's Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake.

JJ:
Well tell the swans to get out - the lake's polluted!

Florida:
Junior the alarm's set for 6AM.

JJ:
Only ones up at that hour is the garbage men. And the way the streets look, they droppin' it off insteada' pickin' it up!

Thelma:
Has anybody seen my hair-spray?

JJ:
Yeah! it's under the sink. I used it last night to wipe-out some bugs!

Thelma:
You used my hair-spray on bugs?

JJ:
Yeah, but it didn't do nothin for em. They was all bald!

Michael:
Daddy high blood pressure can cause kidney malfunction!

JJ:
In this house a person can get kidney malfunction waiting for Thelma to get outta the bathroom!

Florida:
Where's Thelma?

JJ:
In the bathroom, as usual. She spends more time in there than the tidy bowl man!

J.J:
Dad, Mr. Garrett wants you to fix his alarm clock. He needs it back by Tuesday night, so he can get up on time to collect his unemployment insurance!

James Sr:
Junior, get your Mother a glass of water. Water? She aint drinkin' nothin' but the best from now on... Kool aid!

Thelma:
Mama might be in a tv commercial!

JJ:
Hey! That'd be groovy, bein' the son of a famous movie star, I'd have my own Cadillac to drive down and get my food stamps!

Thelma:
J.J where'd you get stamps to mail a letter?

JJ:
I don't need no money for stamps! The last six letters I painted em on!

Michael:
[as the TV is being taken away] Goodbye John-Boy.

James:
[to Bookman] We otta biscuits balloon belly.

J.J.:
Thelma, I think I got VD!

Thelma:
VD! The only way you can get that is by... JJ!... well who is it? [JJ looks at her]... Mariaane Thomas? Sweet little Marianne Thomas? ooooooWOOO!

Michael:
[Michael comes out of the room with his text book] JJ what you say you got?

J.J.:
VD

Michael:
[looking up VD] It says here you can only get VD by... ooooooWooo!

Florida Evans:
[Florida is shocked when she sees the young boy who delivers drugs to people, like J.J's girlfriend] But James, he's still a baby!

James:
Well, this ain't his talcum powder!

J.J.:
[demonstrating to Florida how to do a TV commercial] Hi, y'all out there in TV land. This is Florida Evans - star of stage, screen, and the ghetto - here to tell you about Vita-Brite Health Tonic. My husband James used to have slow blood. He would cut himself shaving on Monday and wouldn't start bleedin' till Thursday. But *now*...

James:
...now, thanks to Vita-Brite Health Tonic, my blood is fast, fast, *fast*! Now I bleed all the time!

J.J:
Only the best for mama now... Kool-Aid.

James:
You know what I'm gonna leave the world when I go, Florida? A tombstone that reads "Here lies James Evans. Back in the hole again".

J.J.:
[J.J. phones home after a police raid on his "friend's" apartment] Ma? I'm ready to come home.

Florida:
It's your home.

James:
Those could have been Sweet Daddy's draws!

Florida:
[after discovering J.J's illegal gambling] J.J, there are two roads out of the ghetto. So far, we've managed to stay on the right road.

J.J.:
That's what's taking us so long to get out of here! Look, Ma, tell me one dude in the projects who's got a future that ain't in the rackets.

Florida:
You, because you just resigned.

J.J.:
Oh, no, Ma. It's MY way out and I'm going to take it.

Florida:
Then you can start by getting out of here.

J.J.:
Oh, come one, Ma... [moves forward to hug Florida]

Florida:
[pulls away and begins gathering his belongings]

J.J.:
Now, Ma! Let's be reasonable...

Florida:
[shoving his belongings into his hands] And take these things with you!

J.J.:
Ma, you haven't even...

Florida:
[angrily] J.J, get the HELL out of my house!

J.J.:
Jesus may have your soul, but mama gonna have your behind.

Mrs. Gordon:
[after plotting to steal Penny away from Wilona by setting her up as an unfit mother] Come on now, Mrs. Woods, can't we talk this thing out woman-to-woman?

Willona:
That depends... what woman is going to talk to YOU?

Mrs. Gordon:
Did you see the look in that kid's eyes? She WANTS to come home with me! It was all those gifts I gave her, that tape recorder and that $2500 brass bed! Now what could you POSSIBLY give her to top that?

Willona:
[triumphantly] Love. Can you do that?

Mrs. Gordon:
I'm here, ain't I?

Willona:
So is the garbage.

Michael Evans:
Hey, Thelma, how do you like this?

Thelma Evans:
[takes close look at JJ's painting] What is it?

Michael Evans:
Don't show your ignorance. This is Black Jesus.

Thelma Evans:
Black Jesus, my foot. That's Ned the Wino.

Michael Evans:
You mean the dude who's always walking up and down the street drinking wine and preachin'?

Thelma Evans:
Ned the Wino, better known as the Ghetto Prophet.

Michael Evans:
Yeah, he's always predicting the end of the world and asking for a dime for some wine, so he can die happy.

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Which he does every night.

Michael Evans:
[on Bookman finding another job] Yeah, but where do you put a man who's lazy, mouths off, and never keeps his promises?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Send him to Washington.

J.J. Evans:
J.J., the Mississippi river doesn't flow through New Jersey, and Texas should be bigger, and South Dakota should be next to North Dakota. Valerie, you may be the boss' daughter, but around here, I'm the boss.

James Evans, Sr.:
A spook sailed with Columbus?

Michael Evans:
That's right.

James Evans, Sr.:
He did the rowing, didn't he?

Mr. Parker:
[puts peanuts on the table] These peanuts are the Junior Warlords, and this [picks up a book] this is us. [smashes the peanuts]

Thelma Evans:
What's a jacket doing in the oven?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
I don't know, beats me, first we're picking cotton, now we're cooking it.

Mr. Parker:
The Junior Warlords are getting an A in violence, vandalizing the school, threatening teachers, beating up students.

Florida Evans:
He's having labor troubles and she's having labor pains.

Clara:
This will be her ninth.

Florida Evans:
That woman's had more deliveries than Chicken Delight.

Florida Evans:
Mr. Parker, we are concerned parents, not vigilantes.

Mr. Parker:
We need to be both, somebody's got to do something about those Junior Warlords, the school can't and the law won't.

Thelma Evans:
Look at the grade Michael got on his paper!

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
A F? Not bad!

Thelma Evans:
Not bad?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
That's nothing, I once got a K!

Michael Evans:
A K?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Yeah, a K for cruddy.

Michael Evans:
JJ, cruddy is spelled with a C.

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Well, it was a spelling test.

Penny:
[Willona's mad at Penny for shoplifting] I'm just glad I don't have to spend Christmas in the slammer.

Florida:
[about Willona] What is wrong with that woman? Doesn't she know that every year, one million teenaged girls get pregnant in the country?

J.J.:
Imagine how many get pregnant in the city.

Florida:
J.J., out of that million, over 13,000 are ages 14 and under. It's a sad day when kids have to guess about sex because their parents are too scared to explain it to them.

Willona:
[about Penny] If I tell her about sex before she's ready she'll go out and do it.

Florida:
Since when did knowing about sex make kids rush into it? It's not knowing that does it.

Florida Evans:
[Willona refuses to talk to 13 year old Penny about sex, even though her friend is pregnant] Girl, look around, this isn't a finishing school, it's the ghetto! If you don't tell Penny about it she'll pick it up from the street, she's going to hear it wrong and from the wrong people.

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
[hangs up] I got the vet hospital by mistake.

Florida Evans:
Are you sure?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
I must've, he told me to put Loretta in a cardboard box and let nature take its course.

Willona Woods:
[forced to handle the delivery themselves] Florida, what do either of us know about bringing a baby into the world?

Florida Evans:
A lot more than a baby knows how to get here by itself, now come on!

Florida Evans:
[to Thelma] Get a cold towel to put on Loretta's head.

Willona Woods:
Make that two.

Florida Evans:
Loretta only needs one towel.

Willona Woods:
I know that, the other's for me!

Florida Evans:
[Florida sings the moving song] "Mi" "crooked letter" "crooked letter" "i" "crooked letter" "crooked letter" "i" "hooked-back letter" "hooked-back letter" "i" ["crooked letter" refers to the letter "s" by gesturing a step forward and stating "Crooked Letter" while the "hooked-back letter" stands for "p" and gesturing with a step-back. This was the first and only time an ethnic move was used to 'remember' a letter by how is moves]

Florida:
[shouts] Damn, damn, damn!

Thelma:
[Willona opens the back of Penny's dress, revealing her back's covered in bruises] Oh no!

Willona:
Wha - what happened?

Penny:
[turning around quickly] Uh, I fell, I always fall, my feet are all thumbs.

Willona:
Baby, come here. Now I know you like to make up stories, but I need you to tell me the truth. Who gave you those bruises? Baby, who did those awful things to you?

Lenella Gordon:
[enters and sees Penny's dress open] What's going on?

Penny:
[turns around] I didn't tell them a thing, momma, honest I didn't.

[goes to her mother]

Lenella Gordon:
[hastily ties up Penny's dress and trying to act innocent] What would you have to tell them, sweetheart?

Dr. Blake:
[Willona brings Penny to see a doctor for her abuse wounds] Hello there sweetheart, what's your name?

Willona:
Willona Woods!

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
...my name is J.J. Evans, M.D.

Nurse:
Doctor of Medicine?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Dazzler of Mademoiselles!

Michael:
[J.J. comes out of the bathroom dressed as a space man] What is that?

Thelma:
I think it's a U.F.O-Unidentified Fool Object.

J.J.:
I'm Captain J.J. from the planet Ghetto. I'm straight as an arrow and right on course, don't mess with me 'cause I'm known as "The Force".

Thelma:
You know Willona, I want be extra special for the carnival! What should I wear?

J.J.:
Try wearing a paper sack over your head!

Willona:
Mrs. Gordon, wait, we couldn't help but notice all those bruises on Penny's back.

Mrs. Gordon:
Oh those, Penny's at the awkward age, she's always falling down. Isn't that true dear? Didn't you fall down?

Millicent 'Penny' Gordon:
Uh, uh huh! One time I fell out of a tree and I fell on my p*ssy cat and uh... I squished him.

J.J.:
That pussycat sure leads a tough life.

Thelma:
What about the burn on her arm?

Millicent 'Penny' Gordon:
I told them I bumped into the stove, Mama.

Mrs. Gordon:
You know, I've told Penny a dozen times to stay away from that stove but she...

Willona:
That stove should be locked up before it kills somebody.

Willona:
[mimicking Mrs. Gordon] 'Isn't it true, dear? Didn't you fall down?' Who does that sucker think she's fooling?

J.J.:
Yeah, she fell, her mama helped her down.

Thelma:
Now wait a minute, J.J., why're you accusing her mother?

Willona:
WHAT?

Thelma:
I mean maybe Penny's telling the truth.

J.J.:
Yeah, and maybe Andrew Young is afraid to open his mouth.

Thelma:
J.J., we have no proof, Penny said she fell.

J.J.:
You'd say you fell down too if your mama was Muhammad Ali.

Willona:
I just hope she's too beat to beat on Penny.

Michael:
Beat on her? You think her mother does THAT to her?

Willona, Thelma:
Yes/No.

Willona:
We didn't see it but I'm sure she did.

Michael:
Oh, well then you're talking about is ALLEGED child beating.

J.J.:
Here's the way it comes down, Michael. The alleged mama took her alleged fists and hit the little kid's alleged back, and left a mess of alleged bruises that were LEGIBLY clear.

J.J.:
[to the rude nurse at the front desk] I hope your dog dies.

Nurse:
Mr. Edwards, room number 3, please.

Mr. Edwards:
You can let the little girl have my turn.

Nurse:
I'm sorry, I can't do that, you know rules are rules. [Mrs. Lopez yells at her in Spanish] What's that supposed to mean?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Let's just say it means to HELL with the rules.

Mrs. Lopez:
Si!

Mr. Edwards:
[sees J.J.'s spaceman costume] What's the matter, sonny? Did your spaceship crash?

Mrs. Lopez:
What is wrong with the little girl?

Willona:
It's her arm, she's been beaten. [Mrs. Lopez jumps up screaming in Spanish and hits J.J. with her purse]

Dr. Blake:
[about Penny's arm] Well I'm pretty sure it's not broken, but just to be sure we'll take an x-ray; of course we're going to need a parent's permission.

Willona:
Well she only has her mother, and the mother's the one that did this to her.

Dr. Blake:
Look, I see children with bruises all day long. They fall off skateboards, swings, monkey bars. You know how it is, falling down is part of growing up.

Willona:
Doctor, look, if you don't believe me, take a look at the child's back, look at her arm.

Willona:
[after the doctor refuses to believe Penny's mother beat her] Doctor, what does it take to get through to you? I just told you the child was abused. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, NEGRO!

Mad Dog:
What's your name, sweet thing?

Thelma:
My name is Thelma.

Mad Dog:
THELMA? Where did you get a name like that from?

Thelma:
When I was born my mother took one look at me and called me Thelma. Just like when you were born your mother took one look at you and called you MAD DOG!

Florida Evans:
[J.J. painted a picture of Michael] Why'd you paint him in a nightgown?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
That's no nightgown, that's a Supreme Court judge's robe.

Florida Evans:
Why's it purple?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
That purple symbolizes something.

James Evans, Sr.:
What's it symbolize?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
It symbolizes that I ran out of black paint.

Willona Woods:
I'm going to pick up his cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, with chocolate cream with "Power to the People" spelled out in chocolate chips.

Michael Evans:
One question asked "a mother, father and two children live in a residence with 5 bedrooms. The mother and father sleep in one bed and the two children each have their own bedroom. How many guest bedrooms are there?" How many kids in the ghetto are going to know what a guest bedroom is?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Yeah, the only time we get a guest room around here is when somebody puts a sleeping bag in the bathtub.

Florida Evans:
And a lot of kids in the ghetto don't have their own bedrooms either.

Donald Hargrove:
[when asked what TCB means] Even I can answer that. 'That's cool, baby!'

James Evans, Sr.:
That's wrong, baby!

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
[Thelma hits J.J] [points] Hey Ma, you see that?

Thelma Evans:
[mocking J.J] [points] Hey Ma, you see that?

James Evans, Sr.:
Hey Junior, you see this? [raises fist]

Florida Evans:
[the scrawny, intoxicated messenger is about to leave] Hey, wait a minute, do you use Vita Brite?

Messenger:
Day and night.

James Evans, Sr.:
Damn, I'd hate to think what he looked like before he was using it.

J.J.:
[demonstrating to Florida how to do a TV commercial] Hi y'all out there in TV land. This is Florida Evans - star of stage, screen, and the ghetto - here to tell you about Vita-Brite Health Tonic. My husband James used to have slow blood. He would cut himself shaving on Monday and wouldn't start bleedin' till Thursday. But NOW...

James:
...now, thanks to Vita-Brite Health Tonic, my blood is fast, fast, FAST! Now I bleed all the time!

Mr. Stonehurst:
Somebody's getting mugged on the 14th floor!

JJ:
You lucky the mugger was busy, otherwise, you'd a been the muggee.

James:
[Mr Stonehurst needs to take some aspirin] Say, how about washing them down with a little muscatel?

Mr. Stonehurst:
Muscatel?

J.J.:
Yeah, that's the champagne of the people. It don't sparkle, it don't bubble. It just kind of... lays there.

J.J.:
Sweets, this can't be a social call.

Sweet Daddy:
Why not, J.J.?

J.J.:
You mean it is?

Sweet Daddy:
Naw!

J.J.:
I didn't think so.

Sweet Daddy:
But, Sweet Daddy is mad, and is very upset that you don't think of me as just 'plain folk'.

J.J.:
Well, Sweets it's hard to think of some people as plain folks, like Jack The Ripper, Attilah The Hun, Darth Vader!

Sweet Daddy:
Boy, don't you be calling me no Darth Vader, boy!

[Sweet Daddy grabs J.J. and starts to shake him]

Willona:
[yells] Hey!

Penny:
[Penny runs up to Sweet Daddy] You let go of J.J.!

[Penny kicks Sweet Daddy on his ankle]

Sweet Daddy:
Owww! Oh lord! I sure hope she didn't hit a diamond

[Sweet Daddy pulls up his pants leg, and nurses a jewel encrusted ankle bracelet]

Willona:
Penny! Penny, I'm shocked at you! Nice young ladies don't go around kicking other people!

Sweet Daddy:
Right On!

Willona:
But, a pointy headed orangutang is

[snaps her fingers]

Willona:
cool with Mama!

[to Sweet Daddy's bodyguards, who are blocking the front door]

Willona:
Move, goons!

[Penny pushes past them]

Bookman:
Ms. Woods, you've got enough food in there to feed the entire Italian Navy!

Willona:
[points at Bookman's stomach] You've got enough fat in there to sink the entire Italian Navy!

J.J.:
Hey, Sweets, this can't be a social visit can it?

Sweet Daddy:
Oh, no? Why not, J.J.?

J.J.:
You mean it is?

Sweet Daddy:
[Sweet Daddy pulls J.J. by his elbow] No!

J.J.:
Uh, I didn't think so.

Sweet Daddy:
But, Sweet Daddy is mad, and I am very offended that you don't think of me as just-plain folk.

J.J.:
Well, Sweets, it's tough to think of some people as plain folks. I mean like, Jack The Ripper! Attila The Hun! Darth Vader!

Sweet Daddy:
Don't you be calling me no Darth Vader, boy! [Sweet Daddy grabs J.J. by the front of his sweater]

Penny:
[Willona and Penny run over to help J.J] You let go of J.J.! [Penny kicks Sweet Daddy on his ankle]

Sweet Daddy:
Ow! Oh, my goodness! I sure hope she didn't hit a diamond! [Sweet Daddy lifts up his pants leg, nursing a jeweled ankle bracelet]

Willona:
Penny! Penny, I'm shocked at you. Nice young ladies do not go around kicking other people.

Sweet Daddy:
Right On!

Willona:
But, a pointy headed orangutan is cool with Mama! [to Sweet Daddy's bodyguards] Move goons!

Florida Evans:
James, I'm so sorry.

James Evans, Sr.:
For what, needing your appendix out?

Florida Evans:
But that operation cost all the money we had. Now you work all day and take a second job and work all night. I'm so sorry.

James Evans, Sr.:
Baby, you say you're sorry one more time and I'll give you something to be sorry about.

Willona Woods:
It's so cold out in the hall, I rubbed my face and my finger froze to my eyelash.

Florida Evans:
Who would've thought they wouldn't give us the loan because James made $100 too much last year? I didn't know $4200 was the limit for a family with three kids.

Willona Woods:
Well I've got an idea, if you had a fourth kid...

Florida Evans:
I'm willing to listen but I'd need a 9 month notice.

Michael Evans:
[to the furniture movers] You're upsetting my sister. Thelma, please don't faint!

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Thelma's gonna faint?

Michael Evans:
Thelma, PLEASE don't faint.

Thelma Evans:
Oh my! I do feel weak! All the blood is rushing from my head! [falls on the floor]

Michael Evans:
Get back, give her air.

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
This poor child ain't had nothing to eat for the last two weeks, except for some rotten oatmeal.

Thelma Evans:
Where am I?

James 'J.J.' Evans, Jr.:
Marshall Fields. Oh! Did you hear that? The poor child thinks she's in Marshall Fields!

James Evans, Sr.:
Now Florida, move. [picks Florida up and moves her away from the door and leaves]

Florida Evans:
Damn, that man always could MOVE me.

Willona Woods:
Willona Woods: Oooeee. The hawk is really bitin' out there this morning. It's so cold out in that hallway I rubbed my face and cut my finger on my eyelashes.

[after a pause and receiving cold stares from James and Florida]

Willona Woods:
I can get a warmer welcome at a Klan meeting.

Michael:
Penny, what's wrong? You look a little humdrum. Just between us, did you eat any of Thlema's soup?

Thelma:
[Thelma re-enters the living room] Hey, I heard that, buddy! Just for that, you're not getting any dinner!

Michael:
You promise?

Michael:
What's wrong, Penny? You look a little hum-drum! [Hushed] Between you, and me, did you have any of Thelma's soup?

Thelma:
I heard that, buddy! Just for that, you're not getting any dinner!

Michael:
You promise?

As young Michael Evans on the sitcom “Good Times” used to say, “Boy, is a white racist word.”