Gortimer Gibbon's Life on Normal Street

Mel Fuller:
Talk us through your plan again - and by "again", I mean for the very first time.

Ranger Bowen:
The plan is to make it up as we go.

Mel Fuller:
That's the opposite of a plan, Ranger.

Ranger Bowen:
This is crazy. How are we supposed to find that one book? It's like trying to look for a needle in a-a...

Mel Fuller:
Haystack?

Ranger Bowen:
No, it's like looking for a needle in a pile of other needles.

[first lines]

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] The first day of school is a fresh start, a chance to redefine yourself. Do you try a different look, start a new trend or just follow one? Do you try to stand out or look for ways to blend in, or stick with what works - or, at least, what used to work.

Mr. Renshaw:
Eighth grade. *Eighth* grade. Last year, you were just a bunch of kids. If you behaved immaturely, your teachers would say, "Well, what do you expect from a seventh grader?" Things are different this year. Most of you are teenagers - we expect more from you. *I* expect more from you. I'm Mr. Renshaw. Welcome to Eighth Grade *Honors* Social Studies.

[Ranger opens his locker, which is packed with books, food and other objects]

Mel Fuller:
You've only had this locker for an hour and a half.

Ranger Bowen:
You know my motto.

Mel Fuller:
Ninjas are everywhere?

Gortimer Gibbon:
When in doubt... tacos?

Ranger Bowen:
Be ready for anything. For example, I have 500 water balloons just for Waterloo.

Gortimer Gibbon:
I can't wait. This water balloon fight is going to go down in history!

Mel Fuller:
Well, if we want this water balloon fight to be truly historic, we're going to need a force multiplier.

Ranger Bowen:
Something that makes the other kids wet themselves - with their own balloons.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Well, then we're going to need bigger splashes, longer range - a catapult. You know, the one with the swinging thing at the bottom.

Mel Fuller:
That's a trebuchet, which would be perfect. We could lob balloons all the way across the field.

Ranger Bowen:
Medieval! I like it - but wouldn't we run out of ammo too fast?

Mel Fuller:
One problem at a time. First we need to figure out if we can actually build it. My place after school - we'll talk blueprints.

[Gortimer can't open a jar of pickles because of the cast on his arm]

Gortimer Gibbon:
Oof. I'm going to starve.

Grace Gibbon:
[opening the jar] Try doing that while holding a four-year-old.

[Gortimer wants to compare the signatures on his cast with those of Stanley's older ones]

Stanley Zielinski:
This is it - the full collection.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Gee, Stanley, is there anything you haven't broken?

Stanley Zielinski:
Hey, try spending five years with bad luck. You're going to visit a few hospitals.

Gortimer Gibbon:
When did you get here?

Abigail Arroyo:
I've been here the whole time.

Gortimer Gibbon:
But I didn't see you. Are you a ghost?

Abigail Arroyo:
No, I'm a *girl*... Just scary.

Gortimer Gibbon:
I find you very confusing.

Abigail Arroyo:
I prefer inscrutable.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Hi, guys. Ready for the big show?

Mel Fuller:
We're going to knocks their socks off!

Ranger Bowen:
Without taking off their shoes. You know why? Magic!

[last lines]

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] Some people are drawn into the spotlight; others run from it. I guess the trick is figuring out how much light you need to make yourself happy.

[first lines]

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] I've lived my whole life on Normal Street. There's a quiet lake at one end and a forest of shady trees at the other - and somewhere in between, there's an old lady in an old house... sitting on top of ultimate doom.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] That's me, Gortimer Gibbon, and, yes, I'm covered in mud. It's everywhere - in my ears, under my eyelids, even in my underwear. That's my best friend, Ranger. Ranger and I have been friends for so long our mothers put us in the bath together.

Ranger Bowen:
Quit stalling.

Gortimer Gibbon:
I can't get my shoes off.

Mel Fuller:
They're already ruined.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] That's my other best friend, Mel. Her name's really Melody, but nobody calls her that.

[Mel throws Gortimer a pair of swim goggles]

Mel Fuller:
Let's get this over with.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] If you all are wondering why I'm covered in mud, well, it all started with a broken watermelon and kind of spiraled out of control from there.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] It was the hottest day of the year for the third day in a row - and it was only nine in the morning.

Ranger Bowen:
Shouldn't summer be over by now? This isn't fair.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] It was so hot, instead of eating his Popsicle; Ranger applied it directly to his body.

Ranger Bowen:
It's not natural this heat. Something's not right, like maybe some sort of punishment.

Mel Fuller:
For what?

Ranger Bowen:
Chopping down the rainforests; abusing fossil fuels, reality TV shows - I don't know.

Mel Fuller:
Reality TV shows don't correlate with the seasonal changes in temperature.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Gardner, get inside.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] My brother was always trying to sneak things into my pockets when I wasn't looking.

Gortimer Gibbon:
No! Stop! Mom, Gardner's trying to give me something.

Grace Gibbon:
Oh, honey, it's just his way of saying, "Be my friend".

Gortimer Gibbon:
I think it's his way of saying I want to put dirt in your pocket.

Gardner Gibbon:
Pbbffft!

Gortimer Gibbon:
What's he saying now, "I love you?"

Grace Gibbon:
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to say it.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Mom...

[discussing Ms. Hudspeth's blindness]

Gortimer Gibbon:
Was it an accident?

Miss Hudspith:
It was a frog - *The Frog* - and now he's come back for more.

[sound of frog croaking]

Miss Hudspith:
He's come back. I hear it every hour of every day... and he's brought the heat with him! He means to roast us all.

[holds out her fork-tipped spear to Gortimer]

Gortimer Gibbon:
Take it. If you ever want to feel a cool breeze again in your life, take it! He's in the crawl space beneath.

Gortimer Gibbon:
What am I supposed to do with it exactly?

Miss Hudspith:
Save us, Gortimer. Save us.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Let's kick some frog butt.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Heat up the frying pan, Mel. We're going to have frog legs for dinner.

[Gortimer squeezes into the cobweb-filled crawl space to confront the frog]

Gortimer Gibbon:
Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

[Gortimer, Ranger and Mel watch Ms. Hudspith throw her ring into the wishing well]

Miss Hudspith:
Is that you?

Gortimer Gibbon:
It's me, Gortimer, Ms. Hudspith.

Mel Fuller:
And Mel.

Ranger Bowen:
And Ranger.

Gortimer Gibbon:
We thought we might find you here.

Ranger Bowen:
My mom made some brownies. We brought one for you... if you promise not to throw it away.

Miss Hudspith:
I-I was just waiting for an old friend.

Mel Fuller:
You got three.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] They say love is blind, but the real danger is being blind to love.

[last lines]

Gortimer Gibbon:
Hey, Gardner... Love ya!

Gardner Gibbon:
Pbbffft!

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] Now that the heat had finally left Normal Street, we could all get back to, well, normal.

Gortimer Gibbon:
It's said that the peculiar sounds that the machine makes when birthing an Arctic Sludgy are the laws of physics screaming in protest.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Do you ever think about quitting?

Greg Gibbon:
Listen, son, guys like you and me - we help people who need help. That is who we are.

Ranger Bowen:
[to Gortimer] Do you want to have a lizard race?

Mel Fuller:
They don't race so much as flee.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Think of it as we're trying to give a vacation which is what he's trying to do anyway if work didn't keep getting in the way.

Mel Fuller:
I have reservations.

Gortimer Gibbon:
You always have reservations. Ranger, what do you think?

Ranger Bowen:
I have reservations.

Catherine Dillman:
I'm going to sit under this rainbow and relax with some Dostoevsky.

Mrs. Hudspith:
[to Mel and Ranger] Shut down the machine immediately! You cannot have a rainbow without the rain.

[last lines]

Ranger Bowen:
Hey, I have a great idea. I was thinking maybe I could train a dolphin to be a ninja.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Where are you going to get a dolphin?

Ranger Bowen:
The ocean.

[Mel and Gortimer laugh]

Ranger Bowen:
No? Okay, here's what I'm thinking... so we get a dolphin...

[first lines]

[Mel and her friends are having a seance]

Mel Fuller:
Remember, we have to focus if we want to contact the other side.

Gortimer Gibbon:
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] People always poke fun at kids for being afraid of the dark. No one is afraid of the dark - they're afraid of what the dark hides. When you can't see what's out there, your mind fills in the blanks... and there's no place scarier than your own imagination.

[a paperweight flies off the table and shatters a glass]

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] The problem is, I didn't just imagine that.

Gortimer Gibbon:
[narrating] The dark is full of mysteries, but as long as you have friends by your side, you shouldn't be afraid of what you'll find - whether it's a ghost, a curse, or even just a practical joke. There's always an explanation and, once in a blood moon, you may even find a chance to set things right.

[last lines]

Ranger Bowen:
Hey. You ready?

Mel Fuller:
You're a little early. The recital's not for another hour.

Ranger Bowen:
Yeah, I know. I want to make sure I don't miss a second of it. I know what's it like to wait around for other people. From now on, *early* is Ranger Time.

Mel- Gortimer, go poke that frog and get out.