Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories

Toshiko Kasen:
Do you think I'm a bad person, Mister Toni?

Toni Cipriani:
Well, princess, I ain't exactly a saint.

Maria Latore:
Do you want to come in for a... uh... coffee?

Toni Cipriani:
I'll pass.

Maria Latore:
F*** you, Salvatore Leone, you no dick bullying, wife beating, Italian piece of sh*t.

Salvatore Leone:
F*** me? F*** you! In fact, everyone has!

Leon McAffrey:
I don't know what I did wrong in a past life to deserve you. Ray, you're 40-years old and you have no idea what's really going on. I don't know how you've gotten this far. I don't know how somebody hasn't put a bullet in your Mother Teresa head yet.

Ray Machowski:
Hey, watch your mouth, Leon. I can't believe we're having this f***ing conversation.

Leon McAffrey:
What, are you gonna run to mommy? Are you gonna jump on daddy's knee? Ask for a wet kiss?

Leon McAffrey:
You greaseballs wanna put holes in each other, I don't give a sh*t. All I care about is my cut.

Toni Cipriani:
I love a man of principle.

Leon McAffrey:
Well, me too. I go to all their memorial services in fast cars with hot broads.

JD O'Toole:
Oh God, I can't believe this. Why am I to blame? It's not my fault. But you know Salvatore, he's gonna get the vice squad on my ass. Oh my God, it's gonna be like those statutory rape charges. Have you ever been in prison on statutory rape charges, man? They come at you in the showers! Oh my God, and she was 18! Oh my God! This is gonna be worse!

Toni Cipriani:
Listen you babbling cock sucker, what in God's name is wrong?

JD O'Toole:
It's Salvatore. He was kidnapped while leaving the club.

Toni Cipriani:
Why didn't you say so? Instead of making me listen to that crap. Come on.

JD O'Toole:
Oh God, I can't believe it. He is gonna cut my balls off. He's gonna put them in a vice! Not necessarily in that order. Oh God! I feel like the day the FBI searched my hard drive!

Lazlow Jones:
What? Oh! Hey, welcome to Chatterbox with me, Lazlow, and you, the good citizens of this town. Now you know the format on this show. You call me up, you complain and we agree that the world is terrible and retarded and there's nothing we can do about it and we, uh, listen to some commercials.

Lenny:
[Razor noise in the background] Uh, yeah, uh Hello?

Lazlow Jones:
Yes, hello, You're on Chatterbox. Eh, what's that noise?

Lenny:
Uh, my names Lenny and I wanna talk about shaving.

Lazlow Jones:
Ok, what's the trouble? You got a weird rash?

Lenny:
Uh, um, there's no trouble. I just can't stop.

Lazlow Jones:
Ugh, WHAT?

Lenny:
I love it. I realized something really important.

Lazlow Jones:
Oh, God...

Lenny:
If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger. If you remove the brush, the tree looks massive!

Lazlow Jones:
What are you talking about?

Lenny:
Yeah man! Now I don't have to get surgery down there! I thought I would just share that with a few people. Come on Lazlow, don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

Lazlow Jones:
Where do you get ideas like this?

Lenny:
Like, my mom said-uh...

Lazlow Jones:
All right. This shows going great! All right, this is Chatterbox. Whatever's on your mind. However big or small, just give me a call. Line 3...

Lenny:
If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger.

Lazlow Jones:
[Whimpering] Go away, PLEASE stop calling this show!

Lazlow Jones:
Hello, this is Chatterbox. Please be a normal human being...

Caller:
Lazlow, your show sucks!

Lazlow Jones:
Dude your going to get no argument from me. Today's show is rubbish! What do you want to talk about?

Caller:
Why can't I eat people?

Lazlow Jones:
Okay, who says you can't? What, are you a socialist or something?

Caller:
TALK MORE ABOUT EATING PEOPLE!

Lazlow Jones:
Next caller!

Vlad:
Hi, my name is Vlad. I am a first time caller.

Lazlow Jones:
Oh don't tell me, you're a vampire. Ooh I'm scared. What's wrong with you people? Your music is horrible! Turn on a light! Get some sun!

Vlad:
No, I'm a underwear model. Why do you insult me? Is this typical in your country? You-Your show is terrible!

Lazlow Jones:
Ugh, dude, really I'm sorry, really. I'm having a really bad show.

Vlad:
That's ok. Just saying, no biggie. Unlike me, Massive! Huge! Shaved or unshaved, its like baby's arm. This is why I model the underwear.

Lazlow Jones:
Enough! Enough with the personal size of the grooming or the shaving or the growing of the thing. Let's talk about politics or public safety or Dormitron Bondagers! Or something interesting! What's wrong with this town? You're sick! You know this rubbish never happened to me back in the 80's. The 90's are crap! Do you agree, Line 1?

7 Year Old Girl:
How should I know? I'm seven.

Lazlow Jones:
You are?

7 Year Old Girl:
Yeah, I'm a big fan of yours. Yeah, when I grow up, I wanna be a witty radio host with a made-up name.

Lazlow Jones:
Aren't you a little young to be listening to this show?

7 Year Old Girl:
No, my mom lets me listen all day because she works real hard and needs long baths.

Lazlow Jones:
Why's that?

7 Year Old Girl:
I don't know. After her tennis lessons, she's always screaming about what a dirty girl she is.

Lazlow Jones:
Heh, okay.

7 Year Old Girl:
Lazlow, do you know what "F*** me harder" means?

Lazlow Jones:
Wh-Whoa-ho, uh, dude, don't drop the f-bomb. Uh, yeah, I mean, of course I know what that means.

7 Year Old Girl:
I thought so. I knew I learned it from somewhere. I thought so. My mom heard me say it, and I wasn't sure if it was something I heard her tennis coach say, or if it was something you said on the radio. I said it was probably you.

Lazlow Jones:
Hey it wasn't me! This is a show sanitized for your entertainment.

7 Year Old Girl:
So, now your being sued. For a hundred and fifty million! You're going to be on welfare, Ha Ha!

Lazlow Jones:
Gee, thanks.

7 Year Old Girl:
I LOVE YOU LAZLOW!

Vincenzo Cilli:
Oh, it's YOU!

Toni Cipriani:
Yeah, how 'bout that. It's me, what do you know?

Toni Cipriani:
Hey! JD, get out here! Hey JD, you little sicko, get the f*** out here, before I come in there and break your legs!

JD O'Toole:
[JD emerges wearing a gimp suit] I'm coming... but not like that, hahaha! Hey, Toni, que pasa? Give us a hug.

Toni Cipriani:
[pushes JD away] Whoa, you're sticky!

JD O'Toole:
Oh, it's the stripper stuff they put all over me, you know. They like it, you know. They put it anywhere and uh... so, how you doing?

Toni Cipriani:
What the f*** are you wearing?

JD O'Toole:
What, this? I'm an adventurous lover. You know I like... an experimental side, y'know? Nothing wrong with that, huh? You can watch if you like.

Toni Cipriani:
Oh, you're sick. You better shut the f*** up right now.

JD O'Toole:
Okay, relax, Toni...

Toni Cipriani:
Where's my money?

JD O'Toole:
See, that's the problem. We are getting ripped off. Alright, now you wait here. I gotta go change out of, uh... this thing, you know. [goes back inside] Hey Raven, time to put away the double ender.

Leon McAffrey:
You took your time, Toni.

Toni Cipriani:
You say jump, I say screw you.

Vincenzo Cilli:
[over Toni's phone] Hey Toni, how's the car?

Toni Cipriani:
You son of a b*tch, Vinnie! You set me up!

Vincenzo Cilli:
Set you up? SET YOU UP? When you came back to the city you had nothing! NOTHING! I set you up alright, you ungrateful bastard - with an apartment and a job! And for that generosity I expect you to take a few risks now and then. I ain't a charity, pal, okay? And I ain't your sugar daddy. So the police were watching the car! Screw the police! When I tell you to do something, you do it. Capiche?

Toni Cipriani:
Oh yeah, I understand, Vinnie. I understand that as long as I work for you, I get treated like a b*tch. I was making scores while you were looking up girls' skirts. Have your b*tch job back, "boss." I quit!

Vincenzo Cilli:
Toni, you're making a big... [Toni hangs up]

Toni Cipriani:
Well how do I know I ain't about to be shaken down by every dirty cop from here to Vice City?

Toni Cipriani:
Don't worry, D.L. Evidence goes missing all the time. As well as judges, witnesses, jurors...

Toni Cipriani:
O'Donnovan is a communist.

Toni Cipriani:
O'Donnovan supports compulsory buggery!

Toni Cipriani:
O'Donnovan wears his daughters underwear!

[as Vincenzo introduces Toni his new house]

Vincenzo Cilli:
This is it, Toni: 'Home sweet home'. Beautiful, ain't she?

Toni Cipriani:
This shithole is supposed to be my home?

DJ Panjit Gavaskar:
I feel in a past life, I was in Liberty City... But... Maybe in the future? Oh no... I think this hummus has gone bad... I do not usually see tracers... Bollocks!

Imaging Voice, Radio Del Mundo:
Close your eyes, but keep on walking... Driving... Or operating heavy machinery. Now, visualise the emergency ward, in a hospital... *really* visualise it... [pause] See? Our visions can become reality.

Ma Cipriani:
Diaper or no diaper, he is still a better man than you.

JD O'Toole:
Toni first drinks on me!

Toni Cipriani:
What have you taken now?

Maria Latore:
Nothing.

Toni Cipriani:
What was it this time, huh? Smack? Downers? Ludes? A little too much trumpet? Not enough Diceypam? A little too much sideways, not enough up?

Maria Latore:
[revealing black eye] Shut up, Toni!

Toni Cipriani:
Who did this to you?

Maria Latore:
No one.

Toni Cipriani:
Who was it?

Maria Latore:
This guy I'm seeing. Wayne.

Toni Cipriani:
Some guy you're seeing... You're my boss's girl!

Maria Latore:
C'mon Toni, don't be so square. Besides, he gets me this great speed, y'know? A girl needs a lift. Plus it makes you really wild in bed.

Toni Cipriani:
Shut up! Why did he do this to you, this dead prick Wayne?

Maria Latore:
I told him I was in love with somebody else. I told him about me and you, Toni. And then he hit me!

Toni Cipriani:
There is no you and me! Christ, you're killing me! Where is this Wayne?

Maria Latore:
He deals at a bar down in Chinatown. I love you, Toni Cipriani!

Salvatore Leone:
Well?

Toni Cipriani:
Well what?

Salvatore Leone:
Don't play dumb with me, kid. I was playing dumb when your mother was still turning tricks.

Toni Cipriani:
What's your problem?

Salvatore Leone:
I know what you've been saying about me. You think I'm an idiot? Huh? [pulls out a gun] Is that what you think?

Toni Cipriani:
Boss, I ain't been saying nothin' about you.

Salvatore Leone:
What the f***. I don't know what's happening to me. Jesus. I'm getting paranoid, Toni. Really f***ing paranoid. Just because I think everyone hates me doesn't mean they don't, know what I mean? Someone is out to get me. It's that f***ing mayor! He's gonna blame me for all the sh*t that's been going down in the neighborhood. All of it! Not just the crap that I did, but all of it.

Maria Latore:
[Toni pulls up at diner with Maria] Why'd you bring me here? My stuff isn't here.

Toni Cipriani:
Then where the hell are they?

Maria Latore:
[tells him some other place] This is where Wayne and his friends used to hang out.

Wayne's biker friend:
[as Toni and Maria are about to drive away] [shouts] Hey, its that b*tch Maria, and it's the f*** who killed Wayne.

[Two Sindaccos see Toni and Koshiko Kasen enter an opera house. They plan to attack the two after the opera is over]

Sindacco mobster 1:
Italian blood don't mix with no Japo blood!

Sindacco mobster 2:
But they'll mix just fine spilled on the pavement!