Grumpy Old Men

Max Goldman:
Good morning, d*ckhead.

John Gustafson:
Hello, moron.

Grandpa Gustafson:
He's taking the one eyed monster to the optometrist.

Max Goldman:
Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.

Grandpa Gustafson:
Kids; Can't live with them, can't shoot them.

Max Goldman:
Up yours, Gustafson.

Max Goldman:
When I had an ulcer, I was farting razor blades.

Jacob:
Pop.

Max Goldman:
He started it.

Max Goldman:
If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.

Max Goldman:
Hey d*ckhead you win the lottery?

Max Goldman:
Did you win the Lottery D*ckhead?

John Gustafson:
Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

Max Goldman:
You watch your mouth, you damn Swede.

John Gustafson:
We did the horizontal mambo.

Ariel Truax:
Gay or straight?

John Gustafson:
Huh?

Ariel Truax:
Heterosexual or homosexual?

John Gustafson:
Geez Louise!

Ariel Truax:
Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.

John Gustafson:
Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!

the only things you regret are the risks you didn't take.

Ann Margret

[John and Max cleaning the snow off their cars.]

John:
Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Max:
Hypothermia's a b*tch. It ain't quick like a stroke.

John:
A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.

Max:
You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.

John:
Lucky bastard.

Max:
You bet.

John:
Hey, how is he anyway?

Max:
He's dead! Died on impact!

John:
Jacob, moron. Jacob!

Max:
Oh he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving.

John:
Is he running for mayor?

Max:
Make a damn fine mayor too.

John:
It's a good thing he's, his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot.

Max:
[Insulted] Eat my shorts!

John tells his father that Ariel moved in.

John:
Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.

Grandpa:
A woman?

John:
Yeah.

Grandpa:
Did you mount her?

John:
Ohhh, Dad!

Grandpa:
Well the woman, does she have big thighs?

John:
No!

Grandpa:
No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!

[After being able to dodge Snyder, John slips a little bit on the snow as Max comes outside his house.]

Max:
Morning, d*ckhead.

John:
Hello, moron.

Max:
Hey d*ckhead, win the lottery?

John:
Enjoy your shower, smartass?

John and Max asking Chuck about his visit to Ariel.

Max:
Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?

John:
Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?

Max:
Yes, the spirit was willing...

John:
Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....

Max:
Weak! Weak!

John is worried about having safe sex.

John (to Ariel, who just locked his door):
I thought you said...

Ariel:
I said it's time for bed.

John:
Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.

Ariel:
John, when was the last time you made love?

John:
October 4th....1978.

Ariel:
Oh, I think we're safe.....

[Snyder and Max Goldman while John is in the hospital. Max has just used his tools and wood to barricade the doors shut.]

Max:
Dirty rat, I'll show him, picking on people.

Snyder:
Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.

Max:
Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)

[While Snyder is busy, Max secretly puts a fish in his car. Soon two men from a moving truck under Snyder's orders to repossess John's house and items, finds the house barricaded.]

Man 1:
We got a problem, sir. Looks like someone barricaded the door.

Snyder:
(on the phone) Wait a minute. (faces the men) What?!

[He grabs a hammer to try and remove the plywoods used to barricade John's door with.]

Snyder:
This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.

Max:
You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Snyder:
Have you seen him?

Max:
The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.

Snyder:
Medication?

Max:
Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.

Max:
Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?

John:
[outside] Yeah.

[Chuck is snickering as Max yells at John from the screen door]

Max:
Not you, smart ass! Didn't ask you. I could smell it from the car, this stink. Is it me?

Chuck:
Yup!

Max:
[smells his hat] Damn!

Weatherman:
Oh cold enough for you. BRRRRRRRRRR!

Max:
Oh shut up, fat ass!

[While Max searches for the source of the smell, John moves his car and waits in anticipation. Max finds a decaying harden fish in his van and picks it up.]

Max:
Gustafson!

[John honks his horn and slowly drives away smiling as Max faces the car in anger.]

Max:
You schmuck!

[John is asleep at 1:
30 in the morning when he heard knocking on the door and his doorbell ringing.]

John:
[Assuming it's Snyder of the IRS coming back to his home in the middle of the night.] Oh my god, they've come for me.

[John attempts to use the same way that he has to avoid Snyder, but he slips and slides off the part of the roof closest to his room. To his surprise, John is face to face with Ariel.]

John:
Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.

Max:
She was to me!

John:
I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!

Max:
She was to me!

John:
Yeah, well that's why you're a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.

Max:
She was the best.

John:
She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.

Max:
[distraught over losing his Green Hornet fishing rod in the fishing hole] Where's the Green Hornet?