Half Baked

Scarface:
F*** you, f*** you, f*** you, you're cool, and f*** you, I'm out!

Brian:
Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

Kenny:
That's it?

Thurgood Jenkins:
Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, p*ssy.

Thurgood Jenkins:
You have smoked yourself retarded.

Thurgood Jenkins:
I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too.

Thurgood Jenkins:
Don't get me wrong, I love weed. I LOVE IT! But not as much as I love p*ssy. The end.

Thurgood Jenkins:
Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Kenny:
You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his b*tch!

Squirrel Master:
Back up Nasty Nate, this my b*tch!

Nasty Nate:
Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!

Kenny:
Here take it!

Kenny:
I'm somebody's b*tch!

Kenny:
No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

Cocaine Addict:
Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?

Enhancement Smoker:
You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy sh*t, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.

Brian:
First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged b*tch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.

Thurgood Jenkins:
You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

The Guy on the Couch:
Hey, is it January?

Thurgood Jenkins:
No, it's August.

The Guy on the Couch:
Really?

Brian:
For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!

Thurgood Jenkins:
Who the f*** told you that?

Brian:
The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.

Thurgood Jenkins:
So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?

Brian:
No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.

Thurgood Jenkins:
You apparently missed the entire point to that story.

Thurgood Jenkins:
I be from Jamaica, mon.

Samson Simpson:
What part of Jamaica?

Thurgood Jenkins:
Right near da beach. Whoa-ee!

Sir-Smoke-Alot:
B*tch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that b*tch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted!

Brian:
Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.

Brian:
All right, I'll give you four.

Thurgood Jenkins:
So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.

Thurgood Jenkins:
Abba Zabba, you my only friend.

Kenny:
I didn't know that horse was a diabetic!

Scarface:
Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...

Brian:
...F***ing impossible, man!

Scarface:
I got it! Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier!

Thurgood Jenkins:
We suggested that already!

Scarface:
For real, B?

Thurgood Jenkins:
Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke

Scarface:
Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.

Thurgood Jenkins:
Custodian, dick!

Thurgood Jenkins:
I love weed, LOVE IT! But not as much as I love p*ssy!

Thurgood Jenkins:
I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!

Thurgood Jenkins:
I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

Thurgood Jenkins:
You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.

Scarface:
Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.

Thurgood Jenkins:
Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?

Scarface:
I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!

Brian:
No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes.

Kenny:
In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?

Brian:
No.

Thurgood Jenkins:
If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?

Samson Simpson:
I'm going to kill you little Mexican friend?

Scarface:
I'm Cuban, B!

Samson Simpson:
YES! Cuban Bee!

Brian:
Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?

Jan:
Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke.

Brian:
Oh. What's that like?

Kenny:
I love horses.

Kenny:
I love Butterstuff.

Kenny:
Butternuts!

Kenny:
Cup!

Sir-Smoke-Alot:
The doctor said I need a backiotomy!

I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker:
Would you like to hear some of my poetry?

Thurgood Jenkins:
Not really, no.

I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker:
Well you gotta. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ"

Thurgood Jenkins:
You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.

Brian:
You smoke?

Mary Jane:
No my grandmother died from lung cancer.

Brian:
That's all the more reason to toke up man! It'll ease the pain!

[Thurgood explains to the detective that they will seem less suspicious in an undercover sting if they are high.]

Brian:
I just wanna say that that was a great idea, Thurgood. I mean how do you come up with...

[cut off]

Scarface:
Just smoke it, yo.

(After just discovering their apartment demolished by Samson's henchmen)

Thurgood:
(answering phone) Mr. Nice Guy - party accessories.

Samson:
Well did you get my message?

Thurgood:
Who is this?

Samson:
This is SAMPSON, smarty pants!

Thurgood:
Operator with an emergency breakthrough from your sister. (high-pitched voice) "Samson, it's Shelia! Mama fell-"

Samson:
SHUT UP, B*TCH!!!

Samson:
I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend here and I'm gonna kill him.

Scarface:
I'm Cuban, b!

Samson:
Yes, Cuban B!

Brian:
I'll pretend I'm Jamaican man! Yeah!

Thurgood:
You have smoked yourself retarded!

[Kenny is on his way out to get munch]

Kenny:
Hey, if I`m not back in 10 minutes call the police.

Thurgood:
If he ain't back in 10 minutes, we callin' Dominoes!

Brian:
Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.

Woman:
Uh-uh. He autographed it himself...

Brian:
Okay, I'll give you four.

[Brian, Scarface, and Thurgood are sneaking into the refer lab]

Scarface:
Man, you didn't say nothing 'bout no door, yo!

Thurgood:
Just chill out, man. I smoked weed here all the time. This door's never locked.

[Scarface opens the door, the alarm goes off]

Thurgood:
I didn't say the alarm would be off, though. I just said it's never locked.

Scientist:
Janitor? Uh, janitor?

[taps Thurgood, who gets frightened]

Thurgood:
Ah! Oh..sorry 'bout that. What is it, scientist?

Scientist:
I know this isn't your responsibility but, uh, could you be a dear and run this down to the supply department for me? It's on the second floor. [hands Thurgood a note]

Thurgood:
Just run this down?

Scientist:
Yes, but make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P.

Thurgood:
Gotcha. Hey, I know this isn't your responsibility but just mop the rest of this sh*t up [hands him a mop] I'll be right back.

Thurgood:
Yea. Um, So how long's [your dad] been in [jail]?

Mary Jane:
Four years next month.

Thurgood:
Four years. And what exactly was he selling?

Mary Jane:
Marijuana.

Thurgood:
FOUR YEARS JUST FOR WEED?! DAMN!

Mary Jane:
Just? No, no, no, no. Not just. Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug. I mean, everybody knows that it leads to other stuff.

Thurgood:
Yeah, mostly junk food.

Kenny:
[to police horse] Hey girl, you hungry?

Overweight woman:
[walking by] F*** you, nigga!

Kenny:
Hey, I'm sorry...I was talking to the horse here.

Thurgood:
I'm here today because I'm addicted..to marijuana.

Rehab patient:
You in here 'cuz of marijuana?! Man, this is some BULLSHIT!

Bob Saget/Cocaine addict:
Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke.

Rehab patient:
I seen him [do it]!

Bob Saget/Cocaine addict:
Now that's an addiction, man. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?

Thurgood:
No, I can't say I have.

Bob Saget/Cocaine addict:
I didn't think so.

Rehab patient:
Boo this man!

Samson:
Delilah, get me "eight fourteen".

Delilah:
[to another woman] Eight fourteen.

Thurgood:
[whispers to Scarface and Brian] What the fucks "eight fourteen"?

[she pulls out a crossbow]

Thurgood:
AH! I'm sorry y'all, I don't want to be the first nigga to die from a crossbow.

Samson:
So, tell me about yourself.

Thurgood:
Well yaknow I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.

Samson:
What part of Jamaica?

Thurgood:
Right near the beach. BOY!

Samson:
I think you're bullshitting me.

Thurgood:
Samson Simpson! I stick by my story! I'm from Jamaica. If I wasn't Jamaican than why would I wear this hat? hm?

Thurgood:
Abracadabra? That`s the newest slang, all the kids are saying it! Abracadabra my nigga!

Thurgood:
Kenny's Sweet Virgin ASS!

Thurgood:
[Thurgood when finished with work] Free!!

Thurgood:
I'm sexy... I'm a scholar... people like me

Thurgood:
You guys smoke ENTIRELY too much reefer.

Scarface:
I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heffer with cheese, yo. Why you gotta make me feel inferior cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!

Scarface:
Ahhhh this motherf***er said ice cream, B!

Nasty Nate:
So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail...FRUIT!

Sir-Smoke-Alot:
I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, b*tch!

Kenny:
Ya hear that? I'm somebody's b*tch!

Brian:
Don't worry. Don't worry. l'm not gonna do what everyone thinks l'm gonna do: Flip out, man! All l wanna know is: who's comin' with me? Who's comin', man? Who's comin' with me?

Thurgood:
Abba Zabba....You're my only friend