Happy Endings

[confronting Jude about her pregnancy]

Frank:
Do you know if it's a boy?

Otis:
What do you care? You have a son.

Frank:
Or a girl! I'm just asking!

Mamie:
Nothing says "I love you" like blackmail.

Jude:
What's the matter? Boy trouble?

Otis:
F*** you, Jude!

[on Gil and parenting]

Pam:
You would have been a great dad.

Gil:
We tried. It wasn't meant to be.

[testing out his new video equipment]

Nicky:
Oh, wow. You look really pretty if I stand far away and I use the zoom.

Mamie:
Thank you.

[finding out that Charley lied about Gil being sick]

Diane:
You miserable little f*ggot.

Charley:
Oh, that's mature. Homophobe much?

Mamie:
[to Javier] He thinks you're the American hero, making depressed women everywhere feel good.

[to Alvin and Bill on Otis being gay and a drummer]

Miles:
Why do think he's a drummer? So he can stare at our asses all night.

Mamie:
I'm not pro-life, though.

Jude:
Who is, once you start to pay attention?

Mamie:
Who raised you?

Jude:
Hey, do you guys mind if I ask you something?

Alvin:
She's not in rehab for drugs. It's just booze. Plus, she's a vomiter.

Miles:
A fat vomiter, which is f***ing useless.

Jude:
No... just, why is Otis the leader?

Nicky:
I thought we had a moment there.

Jude:
[singing] How lucky am I?

Javier:
[during a massage] This is what you need. This is why you paid.

Mamie:
[stammering] Well, it was... it was a gift certificate.

Jude:
We're breaking up.

Otis:
What?

Jude:
Look, I'm not gonna screw you *and* your dad.

Lane:
I hear Jude f***ed you over. Me too. I'm Lane.

Frank:
Otis's girlfriend?

Lane:
No one told me. I already have a boyfriend. Rick. A**hole.

Jude:
I think your Dad's home. You totally owe me, dude. He doesn't think you're a 'mo anymore.

[as he pulls his shirt on]

Otis:
Hey, I am not gay.

[pointing to the bed]

Otis:
Hello?

[Jude turns on his TV, revealing a gay porn video]

Jude:
You "hello".

Gil:
She wouldn't lie.

Charley:
She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond. Think of yours; think of mine. It's unwholesome.

Narrator:
When you're a gay man, you have to feel good about yourself when a urologist says, 'Yeah. I pick you.'

Jude:
What's going on?

Nicky:
He knows you're just after his money. And I told him what you had over me, and he doesn't care that I'm gay.

Frank:
I care, I care, of course I care. It's not good news.

[first lines]

Charley:
[chasing Mamie] Wait! Wait!

Woman Driver:
[hits Mamie] My God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I didn't see her! I didn't see her!

Charley:
Oh my God!

Woman Driver:
Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't see her!

Charley:
Do you have a cell? Call 911!

Woman Driver:
Oh God.

Passerby:
Hey, is she all right?

Charley:
I don't know.

Woman Driver:
[on phone] 911? Yes, hurry, we need an ambulance quick.

Title Card:
She's not dead. / No one dies in this movie, not on-screen. It's a comedy, sort of.

Mamie:
What kind of movies does this guy make?

Jude:
I don't know. He's an idiot. The kind idiots make, I guess.

Jude:
Nothing comes off the money you're gonna get 30 years from now when your dad dies from too much sex. You don't have to call me mom - all the time.