Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold:
...The universe tends to unfold as it should.

Kumar:
What is that? some fortune cookie?

Kumar:
Congratu-f***in'-lations!

Harold:
I want that.

Kumar:
What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?

Harold:
No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!

Kumar:
Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Harold:
We gotta go to White Castle.

Kumar:
YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!

Kumar:
Thank you, come again

Harold:
Dude, where's my car?

Kumar:
Where's his car, dude?

Harold:
Did Doogie Howser just steal my f***ing car?

Kumar:
Yes... I think he did.

Harold:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dr. Patel:
I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off.

Kumar:
Dad, come on.

Dr. Patel:
Daddy is not coming on anything!

Kumar:
I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.

Harold:
C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.

Kumar:
Just say no. That's all it takes.

Kumar:
Here.

Kumar:
Take a hit of that.

Extreme Sports Punk #1:
Dude, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not so extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give this a 9.5!

Rosenberg:
I think Kumar's a "faygele".

Goldstein:
Oh, they're totally gay for each other.

Rosenberg:
Hey, you wanna suck on this?

Goldstein:
Uh-huh. Mmm.

Extreme Sports Punk #1:
Dude, that was SO not extreme!

Cole:
I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One...

Harold:
Dude, we're so high right now!

Kumar:
We're not low!

Kumar:
Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.

Harold:
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Kumar:
Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.

Harold:

Harold:
Let's get the f*** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

Kumar:
Yeah, that was your fault.

Harold:
F*** you.

Kumar:
F*** you.

Kumar:
Dude, am I going deaf or did he just say we could f*** his wife?

Harold:
So what are you in here for?

Tarik:
For being black.

Harold:
Seriously.

Tarik:
I am serious. You wanna know what happened. I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black guy robbed a storein Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.

Harold:
Holy sh*t! What'd you do?

Tarik:
I kept saying,"I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."

Harold:
I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.

Tarik:
Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.

Kumar:
Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!

Kumar:
I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.

Freakshow:
It's gonna take me a while to fix up your car there, so if you boys like, you can go on inside, get yourselves something to drink, wash up, f*** my wife, watch TV - anything you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't do anything the Good Lord wouldn't do.

Goldstein:
Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.

Harold:
Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?

Rosenberg:
Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her b*obs.

Goldstein:
The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!

Rosenberg:
Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.

Goldstein:
So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.

Rosenberg:
Touché.

Kumar:
Just cause your hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to do porn.

Officer Palumbo:
Bullets - my only weakness! How did you know?

Kumar:
Shotgun anus!

Kumar:
So she's kinda f***ing cute. Let her touch your penis.

Goldstein:
This movie makes no sense. She's possessed, she's not possessed... that rack had better be stacked. OH! TITS! Those aren't real. Yes, they are!

Harold:
I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.

Kumar:
I want the same except make mine diet cokes.

Harold:
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Kumar:
Dude, f***in' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Cole:
EXTREME KAYAKING!

Harold:
Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.

J.D.:
Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?

Harold:
Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.

J.D.:
You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!

Dr. Willoughby:
Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?

Kumar:
No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.

Dr. Willoughby:
But you have perfect MCAT scores!

Kumar:
Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Kumar:
I forgot my cell phone.

Harold:
You wanna run back and get it?

Kumar:
No, we've gone too far.

Harold:
Do you know the show Doogie Howser, M.D.?

Officer Palumbo:
Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.

Harold:
Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.

Officer Palumbo:
Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!

Kumar:
How were Katie Holmes' tits?

Goldstein:
You know the Holocaust?

Kumar:
Yeah?

Goldstein:
Picture the opposite of that!

Kumar:
Nice!

Officer Palumbo:
What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?

Kumar:
No, it's actually one "u"

Officer Palumbo:
Yeah... bullshit.

Freakshow:
Who wants first reach-around?

J.D.:
Billy boy! Get your ass ready. It's almost 5:00 and this bad boy needs to get his drink on. No, no, no. Give me that.

Billy Carver:
Don't.

J.D.:
I'm gonna burn it once and for all.

Billy Carver:
Stop it.

Female Anchor:
Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate.

[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]

Kumar:
[from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?

Harold:
Kumar?

Kumar:
Hey, are the cops still here?

Harold:
What the hell are you doing?

Kumar:
I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.

Harold:
Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?

Kumar:
I'm f***ing starving. I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Kumar:
[sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?

Harold:
What smell? Kumar.

Kumar:
[starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]

Harold:
Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?

[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]

Harold:
Kumar! Still in jail, a**hole! Come here!

Martone:
[notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Tarik Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey! Jackson's trying to escape!

Tarik:
What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.

Reilly:
He's trying to break free! Get him!

Tarik:
Aw, sh*t.

[he gets up as the cops hold him to the wall; Tarik still holds his book in hand]

Martone:
Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!

Tarik:
That's not a gun, that's a book.

Reilly:
Secure the book!

Palumbo:
Book is secure. You bring this filth in here? What is this sh*t?!

Harold:
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Harris:
Dude, I don't even know where the f*** I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.

Kumar:
That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.

Harris:
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some p*ssy.

Harold:
Huh?

Harris:
It's a f***ing sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.

Kumar:
No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.

Harris:
Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. [sings] Lap-dance.

Kumar:
[pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.

Harris:
You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.

[they park, pause]

Harris:
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Kumar:
Look, chill.

Harold:
We'll be right back, Neil.

[they exit the car]

Harold:
Dude, what's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

Harold:
Did Doogie Howser just steal my f***ing car?

Kumar:
Yes. I think he did.

Harold:
[starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!

Kumar:
Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy. How was I supposed to know he'd f*** us over?

Kumar:
Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Harris:
Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. [looks down to count money, lowers voice] Prick.

[Kumar is licking Harold to wake him up]

Harold:
What the hell are you doing?! God!

Kumar:
Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay sh*t you'd wake up.

Harold:
Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?

Kumar:
It ran away. Listen, I got some bad news and some worse news.

Harold:
Okay, give me the worse news first.

Kumar:
I was looking at some of the roadsigns, and it looks like the cheetah took us in a completely different direction.

Harold:
What's the bad news?

Kumar:
Your laptop's completely destroyed.

Harold:
[shouts] What? How is that not the worse news!?

Kumar:
[calmly] Well, the laptop situation really only affects you, where as the White Castle situation affects us both equally.

Bradley:
[Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.

Kumar:
80 bucks?

Bradley:
Yeah, 80 bucks.

Kumar:
Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!

Bradley:
Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.

Kumar:
What kind of a hippie are you?

Bradley:
What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.

Kumar:
Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.

Harold:
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Kumar:
Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.

[two guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]

Harold, Kumar:
Holy sh*t!

[assailants stop beating up the two guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the two men lay on the ground moaning]

Harold:
Let's get the f*** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

Kumar:
Yeah, that was your fault.

Harold:
F*** you.

Kumar:
F*** you.

Burger Shack Employee:
Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... Just makes me wanna burn this motherf***er down.

[he turns to his partner]

Employee:
Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this motherf***er down! [starts destroying stuff] Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherf***er down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.

Employee:
You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.

[bursts out laughing]

Harold:
[smirks] Semen.

Employee:
Animal semen.

[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]

Harold:
Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those!

Kumar:
Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

Harold:
[riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?

Kumar:
Both.

Kumar Patel:
[last line before the credits] Hey, Roldy, you do realize what's legal in Amsterdam, don't you?

Harold Lee:
[to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet] Sure got a lotta baggage.

Harold Lee:
[about to ride cheetah] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.

Harold Lee:
Did Doogie Howser just steal my f***ing car?

Palumbo:
[upon being arrested for brutality and racism] I'm not a [bleep] racist, all right? You mother [bleep]. Those black mother [bleep] won't get away with this, a'right?! So, [bleep] falls to all y'all! Okay?! So you can suck my [bleep]!