Haven

Audrey Parker:
If you don't wanna talk about Jess, just say so...

Nathan Wuornos:
Would that work?

Audrey Parker:
Probably not.

Nathan Wuornos:
Probably.

Audrey Parker:
Anyway, I would say that we have nothing, but I think we have less than nothing.

Jess Minion:
Actually, we have dinner.

Audrey Parker:
Awesome! Nathan, would you please marry this woman.

Vince Teagues:
It's too dark for it to come over here, right?

Audrey Parker:
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

Dave Teagues:
I still don't know how you could know that.

Audrey Parker:
It's in my supernatural shadow guide. It says... hold on... yep... we're screwed.

Audrey Parker:
Hey, you're kinda smart...

Nathan Wuornos:
Kinda?

Duke Crocker:
Buddha says that "All good things come to those who wait..."

Audrey Parker:
Yeah, does Buddha also say "Drink, smuggle, and always look out for number one?"

Duke Crocker:
I'm a reformed Buddhist...

Nathan Wuornos:
You're stuck in my 2nd favorite Bill Murrey movie.

Nathan Wuornos:
So, Duke dies. That must've been something to see. [Audrey flicks him on the back of the neck] Ow!

Audrey Parker:
I'm not going to let you die, do you understand me? Stop it! Do you understand? I'm going to fix this.

Nathan Wuornos:
It doesn't hurt... The only thing I feel is you.

Duke Crocker:
I'm sorry, I have to ask-Do you miss the toe?

Jennifer Mason:
Who is that woman?

Duke Crocker:
Jordan McKee. Her and Nathan used to have a thing, but then he dumped her, and I shot her, and the whole thing got weird.

Audrey Parker:
Who are you?

Will Brady:
Just gear down there, champ. I'm the guy without a gun.

Audrey Parker:
That doesn't mean that you're still not dangerous.

Will Brady:
Right, because only the most hardcore criminals roll in one shoe.

Audrey Parker:
Have you heard of the Troubles?

Will Brady:
Is that a band, or something?

Audrey Parker:
What do you see?

Will Brady:
It's a ram mascot. A sad and beautiful ram mascot. Nice work! You probably spend way too much time drink here.

Audrey Parker:
I actually, uh, live upstairs.

Will Brady:
Well, that's a tempting offer, but we have work to do.

Audrey Parker:
North Haven Rams. It's a men's basketball team.

Will Brady:
These guys look like a bunch of out-of-shape high-school teachers.

Audrey Parker:
Yeah, especially the guy on the left in that lame T-shirt.

Will Brady:
That's me. That's me!

Tommy Bowen:
So, what? You're gonna chop her head off with a hatchet?

Duke Crocker:
Better than flipping her off.

Tommy Bowen:
Put the damn gun down. It's not loaded.

Duke Crocker:
I know. [attacks with the hatchet]

Dave Teagues:
Well, at least I know there's no E in "grammar".

Vince Teagues:
At least I'm not the one who printed the worst dangling participle in the history of our newspaper!

Dave Teagues:
Of what is it you are speaking?

Vince Teagues:
"The boy collided with a telephone pole running down the street."

Dave Teagues:
No one's gonna think a telephone pole was running down the street!

Vince Teagues:
In Haven, they might!

[Dave scoffs]

Vince Teagues:
Oh, thank God Strunk and White don't read the Herald.

Dave Teagues:
Strunk and White can Funk my Wagnalls!

Duke Crocker:
Croatoan took everything from me. I have to take something back. I have to choose my destiny. I have to show Croatoan that Duke Crocker is nobody's b*tch.

Croatoan:
Attitude is the paintbrush that colors our world.

Audrey Parker:
We used you. *I* used you. When we found out about the Crocker family curse, about what it could do, I used that as a tool to stop the Troubles because that's what I was sent here to do. But I didn't think about how much it was going to hurt you, how killing all of those people, how... how it would change you.

Duke Crocker:
It didn't change anything. This was always meant to be.

Audrey Parker:
I don't think it was. I think you were fighting your destiny. And if left alone, maybe you might have even won. But I didn't know that. And I came along, and I sent you on that path, and for that, I am truly sorry. I know how it feels, Duke, to be fighting to be the person that you want to be when everyone is telling you to be someone else. Croatoan thinks that I'm his daughter. I... I look like her. I sound like her. Do you know how easy it would be to just say, "Sure. It's good to see you, Dad", and stop being scared? I am so tired. I'm so tired of fighting my destiny. But I can't give up. Because when I look in the mirror, I only see me. I see the person that I truly am. The only person I want to be. So tell me, Duke, when you look in the mirror, when no one else is around, who - are - you?

Duke Crocker:
I'm Duke Crocker.

Duke Crocker:
It all started when I was 5 years old. My unicorn got run over by a tractor.

Duke Crocker:
[Discussing the potential threat of the arrival of a Hollywood ghost-hunter crew in town] OK, OK, We've all seen "Real Bigfoot Housewives." Nobody takes these conspiracy guys seriously.

Dwight:
I'm done pissing him off. I was just tryin' to get under his skin so that he'd slip up and let us know where they're uploading their footage. I can have Jennifer diggin' through those files by the time we get to the station.

Nathan:
Jennifer can do that?

Dwight:
As far as I can tell, everyone younger than me can do that.

Seth Byrne:
How many gas leaks does a small fishing village need to have before they get new pipes?

Duke:
So, is this your first time destroying a supernatural monster with a magical book?

Audrey Parker:
He lost two fathers in one day.

Audrey Parker:
Oh! You know what would be so good right now? Some hard drugs!

Audrey Parker:
Why the hell does anybody still live in this town?

Duke Crocker:
But I am having a hard time treating that b-, b-, B-I-T-C-H like Audrey.

Ezra:
Miss Parker, do you have a favorite nut?

Audrey Parker:
Excuse me?

Duke Crocker:
I think he means other than Nathan...

Duke Crocker:
[while proposing a toast] Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. To a life worth living.

Audrey Parker:
[seeing she missed a few calls from Nathan] Deal me out.

Duke Crocker:
You gotta call the wifey?

Audrey Parker:
[laughs] That I do.

Audrey Parker:
[on the phone with Nathan] Hey, what's up?

Nathan Wuornos:
Agent Howard was here looking for you.

Audrey Parker:
Here in Haven?

Agent Howard:
Yes, here in Haven. It's time for you to come home.

Chief of Police Wuornos:
She's your partner, not your girlfriend.

Nathan Wuornos:
[while trying to log into her profile to look at files on the computer] It's password-protected. Come on, Parker, where's the trust?

Chief of Police Wuornos:
He's trying to hack into her personal files and he's worried about trust issues...

Julia Carr:
What happened to you?

Duke Crocker:
I'm not sure I get your meaning...

Julia Carr:
You were a big dreamer guy. You had all these plans. How'd you end up here?

Duke Crocker:
I happen to like it here.

Julia Carr:
So this is who you are now. I used to think you were the coolest guy. Turns out, you're just a petty crook.

Duke Crocker:
No... I'm an exceptional crook.

Julia Carr:
You're a delivery boy.

Duke Crocker:
Sweethearts calling me names isn't going to get us anywhere, right now.

Tobias:
What's happening, Ez?

Ezra:
I don't know! I don't know, is like his head is totally blank, and there's nothing there!

Duke Crocker:
Hey! Now that's just not nice!

Duke Crocker:
I need a hug!

Chief of Police Wuornos:
[Ezra and Tobias are somewhat beat up] What happened here?

Duke Crocker:
He fell... a lot...

Chief of Police Wuornos:
Rough seas?

Duke Crocker:
[shrugging] Sounds good to me.

Duke Crocker:
You okay?

Julia Carr:
I'm fine. He didn't touch me. He just told me what he'd do to you if I didn't scream as loud as I could.

Duke Crocker:
I'm sorry.

Julia Carr:
Yeah, you should be.

Agent Howard:
You haven't answered my question.

Audrey Parker:
What question is that?

Agent Howard:
Why I should let you stay in Haven.

Audrey Parker:
All due respect, sir, I don't need your permission.

Agent Howard:
I've had just about enough of your insubordination...

Audrey Parker:
You know what? This is not about my job anymore. It's about me, who I am and where I come from. And those answers are here in Haven, they're not in Boston, they're not in the FBI. I'm sorry, sir. I quit.

Agent Howard:
She's all yours, she just needed a push, like you said.

Chief of Police Wuornos:
Parker's not the type that likes to be told what to do, it's got to be her idea, not yours, not mine.

Agent Howard:
You're sure she deserves all... this?

Chief of Police Wuornos:
I don't know. Does anybody? I'll tell you what, we need her here...

Audrey Parker:
[both pulling guns on each other] FBI. Who are you?

Nathan Wuornos:
Haven PD. Who are you?

Audrey Parker:
FBI. Are you deaf?

Nathan Wuornos:
Can I give you a ride?

Audrey Parker:
Probably more friendly than if I commandeered your vehicle.

Nathan Wuornos:
Probably less paperwork, too.

Nathan Wuornos:
Welcome to Haven. [pause] You like pancakes? We got good pancakes.

Audrey Parker:
What about lobster? Isn't Maine famous for lobster?

Nathan Wuornos:
I don't like lobster. I really like pancakes.

Nathan Wuornos:
[after rescuing Audry from her car falling off the cliff] Shame about the car.

Audrey Parker:
Ah, it's a rental.

Audrey Parker:
[Nathan looks and sees Audrey's gun, and draws his, then she draws hers] Whoa, FBI, who are you?

Nathan Wuornos:
Haven PD, who are you?

Audrey Parker:
FBI, are you deaf?

Nathan Wuornos:
How do I know that?

Audrey Parker:
Well, for starters I'm wearing the gun on my belt. It's a government issue 9mm. And they gave me, you know, one of these.

Nathan Wuornos:
[She reaches to grab her badge] Hey! Keep your hands where I can see them!

Audrey Parker:
Okay, what am I going to do, pull out another gun?

Audrey Parker:
You seriously can't feel pain?

Nathan Wuornos:
It's called idiopathic neuropathy.

Audrey Parker:
You really couldn't feel it when that car door hit your hand?

Nathan Wuornos:
No.

Audrey Parker:
Can you feel fire?

Nathan Wuornos:
No.

Audrey Parker:
Can you feel ice?

Nathan Wuornos:
Oddly, yes. I can feel ice.

Audrey Parker:
You can feel ice?

Nathan Wuornos:
No. I can feel a headache coming on, though.

Audrey Parker:
You took my clothes.

Duke Crocker:
Good morning.

Audrey Parker:
You took my clothes.

Duke Crocker:
Well, now I laundered your clothes. I saved you life. That's an odd combination, when you think about it. I mean, off you think about it.

Audrey Parker:
You must be Duke.

Duke Crocker:
Milk, one sugar, right?

Audrey Parker:
No. No, and why would you know how I take my coffee?

Duke Crocker:
I wouldn't. But it would've been cool if I did.

Audrey Parker:
Do you know Jonas Lester?

Duke Crocker:
Hmm... Uh, I know he's dead... That's it. Just... dead.

Audrey Parker:
You might want to rethink your answer.

Duke Crocker:
Oh, really?

Audrey Parker:
Yeah, your gun was found where he died.

Duke Crocker:
Doesn't sound like me.

Audrey Parker:
Well, you know... Everybody makes mistakes.

Duke Crocker:
I didn't make that one. My gun was stolen.

Audrey Parker:
Okay, so, of all the guns in the world, he stole yours. Yep, that's convenient. And then, you don't report it, which is also convenient, and illegal.

Duke Crocker:
Well, now, actually I did report it. Nathan didn't mention that part, did he? I thought as much. So are we good?

Audrey Parker:
Well, if you're telling me the truth, we might be. Nathan really doesn't like you.

Duke Crocker:
Oh, and let me guess what he said. Uh..."He's unreliable... , dishonest, and a general pain in the butt."

Audrey Parker:
Ass. Yeah. He said ass.

Duke Crocker:
Wow. And strangely, I was going to say that. I was.

Audrey Parker:
Was he right?

Duke Crocker:
...