HBO Comedy Half-Hour

Laura Kightlinger:
So, what? You don't wanna pee on me now?

Dave Chappelle:
Made that mistake one time. I was at a party some guy gave me some sh*t hey man take this, it's f***ing mushrooms. I took it, I forgot all about it, ya know. Then a couple days later I found that sh*t in my pocket. I'm thinking why not? Cause I'm thinking it's like weed, some background sh*t, l planed my whole day out like it was weed. I'll chew this sh*t up, then I'll go to the barber shop, get my hair cut, and then I'll see a movie. I chewed it up, so far, so good. Then I was in the barber shop like an hour later. And it's funny cause I was thinking to myself this stuff sucks. Tastes like athlete's foot, I feel sick but I'm not really high. Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barber's reflection, man. It looked like a big penis was cutting my hair. I freaked out. I started talking to myself. Dave, calm down, you're on drugs, this is what drugs do. You know that there is no way, that a penis can cut hair. I started freakin out man, I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped out the chair, half my hair was cut, I didn't care. I just gave the barber a handful of money. It was weird, the balls opened up. I ran home as fast as I could. I was trippin, trippin! I looked at the clock and it was 2:42. I was like, damn, 2:42 I got to sober up. I ain't never been this high this early. I took a shower. I was still high. Said maybe music will do the trick. I listened to every CD I had, I was still high. Exercise, that's what I'll do, I ran around the block 4 times, still high. Took a nap, woke up, f***ed up. I looked at the clock and it said 2:43. I said, God damn!