Heavyweights

Gerry:
"I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!

Harvey Bushkin:
"Never let anybody sign your checks!

Maury:
I did NOT send you to 'Go-Kart' camp!

Roy:
Don't put twinkies on your pizza.

Tony:
"Kids: at age twelve, I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self esteem, and no self respect. Now, I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk. Pounds are gonna fly, and fat is..... outta here, mister! And we're gonna do it TOGETHER!"

Josh:
"Oh, my, god."

(Tony runs down aisle high-fiving unwilling kids)

Kid:
"I wanna go home!"

Tony:
"Step on the scale!"

Josh:
"Alrighty."

Tony:
"Step off the scale."

Roy:
"Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?"

Lars:
"... Far away."

Roy:
[gulps heavily]

Josh:
The candy belongs to Seymour Butts.

Tony:
Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? WHO'S SEYMOUR BUTTS?!!

Josh:
Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!

Tony:
You picked the wrong man to mess with.

Josh:
Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man!

Lars:
Now let's play a game to help us learn each other's names.

Josh:
(Making fun of Lars accent) Ve already know each odder's names.

Tony:
Josh Birnbaum, step on up! Get on the scale, son! All right! [high-fives Josh]

[Josh steps on scale which shows a large gain immediately]

Tony:
[angrily] Get off the scale.

Gerry:
It's a fat camp! Are you crazy? No way! I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!

Mrs. Garner:
Gerry!

Roger Johnson:
Now that's not kind, Gerry.

Maury Garner:
We're doing this for your own good. We gotta nip this thing in the bud.

Gerry:
I'm fine. This is a joke, right?

[parents and Roger shake their heads no]

Gerry:
[to his dad] You're fatter than I am, why don't you go to the camp?

Mrs. Garner:
You show your father some respect.

Maury Garner:
[to Roger] First I think we should have a little pow-wow, and then we will call you with our decision.

Gerry:
I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going.

[cut to a jetliner taking off]

Roy:
Headed to fat camp?

Gerry:
No...why do you say that?

Roy:
'Cause you’re fat. [points to man seated beside Gerry] That your dad?

Gerry:
No...w-why do you say that?

Roy:
'Cause he's fat too!

Gerry:
Well, so are you.

Roy:
I know, that's why I'm going to fat camp. I'm Roy.

Gerry:
I'm Gerry. Yeah, I guess I am going.

Roy:
I knew it! And that's your dad too, right?

Gerry:
Hell no!

Roy:
Well you're gonna love camp, man. Camp is awesome. Plus, nobody picks on you because YOU’RE not the fat kid, EVERYBODY'S the fat kid. Just stick with me, Gerry, because I'm the man!

Tony:
[introducing himself to camp audience] Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see potential.

[to Gerry]

Tony:
I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company.

[to Roy]

Tony:
I see a famous rap artist.

[to Nicholas]

Tony:
I see the president of the United States of America.

Gerry:
[comments to himself] He's from England!

Lars:
[tied to a tree, campers come at him with lit torches] AHHHHHH!

Dawson:
Shut up! Hey Lars, guess what? We're in charge now. You know what we found out? We found out that if you don't have a job, you get deported! So Lars, buddy, you with us, or against us?

Lars:
I'm with you.

[turns to other camper]

Lars:
I love you.

Tony:
[over the loudspeakers] Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners!

Roy:
"Skinny weiners?" You hear that, guys?

[all the boys laugh]

Nicholas:
[passes gas directly into Gerry's face] Oh, my. I didn't mean to.

Gerry:
Just go!

Alice Bushkin:
Harvey and I are saddened and dismayed to announce that we are no longer the owners of Camp Hope.

[the whole crowd is in disbelief]

Harvey Bushkin:
Sometimes, in life, things don't work out the way you planned, and in those situations, sometimes you file chapter 9 bankruptcy. [struggling to get his voice] We worked our whole life, and what do we have to show? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! [sobs]

Alice Bushkin:
Harvey, please stop. [to the crowd] Okay, kids, out with the old, and in with the new. [sobbing and gasps can be heard in audience] Now, your new owner is gonna introduce himself in a minute. But, you know what I would like? Please, could you give us just one more Camp Hope "Hi, hi, hiya"?

Crowd:
[in a somber tone] Hiya.

Alice Bushkin:
God bless all of you.

[pair walks away. Harvey comes back to the mic to say one last thing]

Harvey Bushkin:
One word of advice, NEVER LET ANYONE SIGN YOUR CHECKS!

Julie:
Lars, shouldn’t you be watching the kids?

Lars:
I have them on the "body" system.

Julie:
The "body" system?

Lars:
Yeah, the body system.

[blows whistle and screams]

Lars:
BODY!

Boys:
[holding hands] BUDDY!

Lars:
BODY!

Boys:
BUDDY!

Lars:
BODY!

Boys:
BUDDY!

Julie:
Oh! 'Buddy'!

Pat:
Gerry, I'm just so tired of being the fat guy.

Gerry:
I know, Pat, but you don't want to be those guys. They're jerks, forget them.

[stands up and hollers over to Camp MVP]

Gerry:
FORGET YOU!

Pat:
[stands up and yells] Yeah, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR WASHBOARD STOMACHS, AND YOUR OILY MUSCLES, I DON'T *WANT* THEM!

Roy:
Funny, Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us.

Josh:
[half-unaware] Josh was bad.

Roy:
Oh man. Oh geez.

Josh:
Josh…now…good.

Gerry:
Good? Wha...what do you mean?

Josh:
Must be...

[finally showing his normal awareness]

Josh:
good to see my big ass again!

Gerry:
Don't tell anyone, but I uh…snuck in some Oreos. Just in case.

Josh:
That was very sneaky of you, Gerry. Chipmunks! Download! Now!

[Gerry looks around as the campers stockpile candy in hiding places]

Julie:
Oh my gosh... is that Tim?

Tim:
[dancing around the bonfire, shirtless and covered in chocolate sauce, and chowing down on a bag of marshmallows] WHOOOOO!

Pat:
..He looks like a human S'more.

Lars:
I'm feeling skinny, Tony!

Lars:
Now, I must inform you, I have a severely deviated septum. When I sleep I make a very disturbing sound...Don't be alarmed, I am fine. Now…go to sleep…

Lars:
Hey, don't pee in the water! [Pushes another kid in the water] Hey, don't drink the water, he peed in it!

Lars:
Congratulations, Mr. Simms. You are the fattest boy in camp.

Julie:
[in the Camp Hell video] As a healthcare professional, I would like to take this opportunity to warn you that Tony Perkins' weight loss system is not only ineffective, it's also downright dangerous. If he isn't stopped, somebody's child, maybe *yours*, *will* be hurt.

Sam:
WATCH OUT FOR *SALAMI SAM*!

Gerry:
[voice-over while writing letter to grandma, he glances at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out...where there's food. We have to resort...to more desperate measures.

Pat:
We're as good as anybody, it's time we started acting like it. First we've got to take control of ourselves before we can take control of this camp. We've got to get healthy for ourselves. We start respecting ourselves, *no one* can touch us. That's right, you heard me right.

Nicholas:
[to Camp MVP member after beating him in naming five American Vice Presidents] You Americans have NO sense of history.

Tony:
Attention campers, the topic for tonight's discussion is, "Liposuction: Option or Obsession."

Tony:
First we're going to take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1000-foot rock face over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi.

Tony:
[Tony chases Josh down a hill and Josh gets a leg cramp] Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.

Tony:
[Leading a meditation exercise] Repulse the monkey...part the wild horse's mane.

Tony:
[Upon finding contraband salami] Oh look! A deli meat!

Tony:
Attention campers. Lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.

Tony:
[searching campers for contraband, he finds a Pez dispenser hidden in Roy's sock when patting him down] Looks like my man's packing!