Holy Matrimony

Wilhelm:
By our law, Ezekiel has the obligation to ask you to marry him. There's no need for alarm. If you simply refuse him, then that will be that.

Havana:
Then what will be what?

Wilhelm:
You'll have to leave.

Havana:
What do you mean, I have to leave?

Wilhelm:
[hands her an envelope] Here's one hundred dollars. And we'll drive you to the bus stop and take you into the city.

Havana:
You can't just kick me out.

Wilhelm:
Nobody wants to kick you out, but we have no choice. As an outsider, you will not be permitted to remain here. It's for the best. The Hutterite is not for you.

Havana:
So I have to leave now with this hundred dollars?

Wilhelm:
I'm sorry.

Ezekiel:
But Uncle Wilhelm, I'm only 12-years-old. I still hate girls. I would much prefer a frog.

Wilhelm:
Don't disgrace yourself in the eyes of God! Ask her!

Ezekiel:
But I'd make a bad husband! Don't make me do this!

Wilhelm:
You must, child.

Havana:
What are you going to say when we get to the border?

Ezekiel:
We're going to return stolen money.

Havana:
Oh, that's a great answer...

Ezekiel:
Thank you. I thought so, too.

Havana:
It's a great answer if you wanna go to jail.

Ezekiel:
What?

Havana:
If you say that, they're gonna think you were in on the robbery. They'll put you in jail. And the first thing they're gonna do is burn your little hat. Then the second thing they're gonna do is take away your bible. Then the third thing... is the worst thing.

Ezekiel:
What?

Havana:
Rats! Rats in your face! Rats all night long! Back and forth. They seem to like faces more than anything. They're bred that way. They're called face rats!

Ezekiel:
[scared] Face rats?

Havana:
So we're gonna have to lie a little.

Ezekiel:
Oh, I don't like to lie.

Havana:
You like your face to be eaten by rats?

Ezekiel:
Okay, what do I have to say?

Havana:
Repeat after me: we are going to visit family in Montana for the day.

Female Officer:
Welcome to the U.S. of A.

Ezekiel:
Thank you.

Female Officer:
Do you have anything to declare?

Ezekiel:
[stammering] We're visiting family in Montana for the day... visiting family in Montana for the day...

Female Officer:
Okay, I heard you the first time. Do you have anything to declare?

Ezekiel:
[confused] Um... family... in Montana... for the day...

Female Officer:
[realizes that Zeke doesn't understand the question] Do you have anything to DECLARE? Anything you want to tell me?

Ezekiel:
[thinks he's been caught] Alright, my brother robbed a fair!

[starts freaking out]

Ezekiel:
Rats! In my face! All night long! I don't wanna go to jail! I hate face rats!

[faints into the steering wheel]

Havana:
[tries to rouse Zeke] I am sorry. It is our honeymoon. He is just nervous.

Female Officer:
He's looking a little green, isn't he?

Havana:
They're still trainable that way.

Female Officer:
This farming permit isn't legal in the States, so you'll have to drive. He can try again when he starts shaving.

[Havana is having difficulty driving Zeke's truck]

Ezekiel:
Why didn't you tell me you can't drive?

Havana:
I can drive! I just can't drive stick!

Ezekiel:
Why is it so hard? It's simple!

Havana:
If it was simple, I could do it!

Ezekiel:
Look, you put your foot on the gears as you turn the wheel. Then, you take your foot off the gears and you step on the gas!

Havana:
That's what I'm doing!

Ezekiel:
No you're not! God, why do you start so much?

Ezekiel:
[proposing to Havana] Uh... w-will... w-will you um... d-do you wanna...

Wilhelm:
Go ahead, Ezekial, go ahead.

Ezekiel:
Do you wanna...

[hyperventilating]

Ezekiel:
do you... wha... ma... do you wanna... you know what I mean! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

Havana:
[laughing] You guys have been out in the sun for too long!

Ezekiel:
[still hyperventilating] Do you... marry...

[fed up, throws his hat down]

Ezekiel:
Do you wanna marry me or not, you dumb pig!

Havana:
[to the elders] Guys, I have to admit this is one goofy twist on the whole boy/girl thing, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, okay? If you had told me out on the street that the Bible is the happening book that I now think it is, you could've knocked me over with a feather. But guys, I have seen the light! I have been saved. So if the only way I can stick around here and soak up more of this religion stuff is to get hitched to the little midget, then count me in, honey.

[to Zeke]

Havana:
My answer is yes.

[Zeke faints]

Havana:
I'll marry the little brat, but that little fainting trick has got to go!

Ezekiel:
I hate being married to you! I hate it! Any man would!

Havana:
Then do something about it! Give me my money and I'm outta here! One quick divorce and I'm Havana What-was-her-name!

Ezekiel:
Well, it sounds good, but what is it for?

Havana:
It is a ticket out of hell!

Ezekiel:
No...

Havana:
No, you listen!

[pushes Zeke down]

Havana:
Let me take the heat on this one! If you tell Uncle Wilhelm that I am a lousy wife, with lousy wifely skills, and an overbearing sexual appetite, he is gonna cut us both a little slack. You give me my money, and I'm gone!

Ezekiel:
[has just caught Havana cheating on him] Next to murder, this is the worst sin there is! And I'm married to it! What does he have that I don't?

Havana:
Nothing! About twenty hard years. Strong arms. Kisses great. It was the usual bar pickup stuff.

Ezekiel:
[crying] What about the real husband stuff? What about that?

Havana:
What is that?

Ezekiel:
Can you trust him? Does he pray? Is he kind to plants and animals? Is his heart golden? Isn't this what a real husband supposed to be?

Havana:
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Havana:
Even Marilyn wasn't always Marilyn. She had to do stuff to get to be Marilyn... and it wasn't always stuff she liked. She did it anyhow. Eye on the ball. Keep your eye on the ball.

Ezekiel:
What about the mating part?

Havana:
Oh, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Ezekiel:
So...

[smiles]

Ezekiel:
we don't have to do that part?

Havana:
No. You just wait 'til you're with someone you love with all your heart.

Ezekiel:
[Havana and Zeke are hitching a ride on a train] It's cold out here.

Havana:
[rubs his arms] Is that better?

Ezekiel:
Do you think my brother was a bad person?

Havana:
No. He just didn't know how to listen.

Ezekiel:
To what?

Havana:
To that little voice inside that tells you what's okay and what's not.

Ezekiel:
Do you hear it?

Havana:
Sometimes.

Havana:
It's getting pretty hazy. It better start coming clearer. This steel is getting tiring.

Ezekiel:
You want to go to sleep?

Havana:
No, I don't mean tired like that. You know, tired like I'm just sick of pretending all the time.

[takes her jacket off and hands it to Zeke]

Havana:
Here, put this on.

Ezekiel:
What do you pretend about?

Havana:
Well, for one thing, my name isn't really Havana.

Ezekiel:
It's not?

Havana:
No, it's Betsy. Betsy Iggins. I thought Havana sounded better, more glam, more with it. Kinda like those one-name things like Madonna, Cher, Marilyn...

Ezekiel:
Who's Marilyn?

Havana:
Who's Marilyn? Marilyn Monroe. Only my hero.

Ezekiel:
Why?

Havana:
Zeke, she was beautiful. She had fabulous houses and boats and men and cars and furs and jewels and clothes. Everything a girl could want.

Ezekiel:
And she had a nice family, too?

Havana:
Well, that part didn't work out so good.

Ezekiel:
But you said she had everything. And if she didn't have a nice family, it sounds like she had nothing.