Home on the Range

Piggy:
Gee, you're the biggest cow I've ever seen!

Maggie:
Well, if you run the place I'll take that as a compliment.

Piggy:
Uh...

Maggie:
If not, I'm gonna have to sit on you.

Piggy:
Mom!

Maggie:
Hey I'm only kidding! What is this you have jammed up in your ear? Here have an apple kid but don't go near any luaus though Wait a minute I have something stuck in my ear This 1's for me (burps) Ah that was good

Piggies:
Awesome! Do it again! Do it again!

Maggie:
Yeah, they're real, quit staring!

Jack:
Seeing is believing

Maggie:
and I don't believe what I see

Calloway:
It's Buck!

Maggie:
Stallion of the Cim MORON.

Buck:
I'm supposed to be here in case 1 of the horses get tired

Junior:
Cows only

Buck:
Look friend you don't understand my situation

Junior:
No YOU don't understand so I'll say it again. Only critters that get by me are cows cows only

(That gave the 3 cows an idea)

Buck:
Cut me a break (hears mooing) Now what? What are you 3 doing here?

Grace:
Sorry we're late we got separated from the herd

Junior:
Right this way little lady tell em Junior sent ya. Nice hat m'am

Calloway:
Cheeky devil

Maggie:
Excuse me reject coming through

Buck:
Hey what gives? How come they got to go through?

Junior:
They're cows

Buck:
What? But what about the rabbit?!

Junior:
Obviously he was with the cows

Rico:
Is this the end of Rico?

Mrs. Calloway:
Don't they have sarcasm where you're from?

Maggie:
What is this, the frozen food section?

Mrs. Calloway:
Ladies, be careful. The male of the species can be very aggressive.

Alameda Slim:
Call me crazy, but I think these cows got it in for me!

Jeb:
Now we all get eaten.

Audrey:
Oh, but who would eat a chicken?

Buck:
Hey! Jump back, kiss myself!

Maggie:
Last one sleeps standing up.

Maggie:
You go, cow girl.

Buck:
Say, girls... got milk?

Audrey:
You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts!

Mrs. Calloway:
Maggie, may I be frank?

Maggie:
Only if you let me wear the hat.

Jeb:
You don't get this whole farm concept, do you, sister?

Piggy:
Kill the goat! (Piggies start attacking Jeb until Calloway takes the can) Sorry! We're sorry Mrs Calloway

Calloway:
Piggies why can't you leave Jeb alone? (Yeah why can't ya?) Poor old goat needs peace and quiet (That's right I need it!) Run along and take your can with you!

Jeb:
Take that can and HEY! WHOA! Come back here ya little bacon bits!

Calloway:
Don't you have enough cans of your own?

Buck:
It's hero time.

Alameda Slim:
It ain't over til the fat man sings!

Buck:
Rusty! Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle!

Rusty, the Dog:
Great, I'll leave you two alone.

Grace:
What kind of sheriff's office was that?

Mrs. Calloway:
Saloon girls? Gambling? How does he ever get any work done.

Maggie:
If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks!

Alameda Slim:
Now let's go over this one more time. Who am I?

Willie Brother #1:
Uncle Slim?

Alameda Slim:
Correct! Now, I put on this hat, and then I put on these spectacles...

Willie Brother #1:
Ahh! Who are you?

Willie Brother #2:
What have you done with Uncle Slim?

Alameda Slim:
It's still me! Can't you dumb sack of hammers get it right?

Alameda Slim:
Am I to assume that every time we bring a herd back to this secret lair, you've managed to sit in the exact same spot, hiding that prime piece of property from my view?

Willie Brother #1:
This is my comfy place.

Wesley:
I gave up clown college for this?

Buck:
So long, sucker! He must be taking stupid lessons from that buffalo.

Buck:
Uh-oh.

Maggie:
It's Alameda Slim! Cover me.

Grace:
With what?

Alameda Slim:
And judging from the notches on the ears, this is the last of Mike Donald's herd.

Willie Brother #1:
Old Mike Donald had a farm?

The Willie Brothers:
Ee-ai, ee-ai...

The Willie Brothers:
Ow!

Lucky Jack:
Folks used to call me Lucky Jack. They came from miles around just to get a look at my lucky rabbit's foot.

Lucky Jack:
Dagnabit!

Lucky Jack:
Happens all the time.

Maggie:
Cattle drive. Told ya. You both owe me a dollar.

[The cowboys are attacked by the Willie Brothers]

Mrs. Calloway:
What was that?

Grace:
That must be Slim and the Willies.

Longhorns:
[freaking out] Slim and the Willies!

Bob:
Don't worry, darlin', I'll protect you.

Mrs. Calloway:
You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof...before I snap it off at the knee.

Bob:
Sorry, ma'am. I thought you were the blonde—

[She whacks him, sending him to the ground]

[Alameda Slim arrives]

Maggie:
It's payback time. Cover me!

Grace:
With what?

The Willie Brothers:
Howdy, Slim.

Alameda Slim:
Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. [singing] Now listen up! There are crooks in this here West who have claimed to be the best, an' think they wrote the book on how to rustle. Well, as good as they may be, not a one's as good as me, an' I barely have to move a single muscle! They call me mean, boys, depraved and nasty too, and they ain't seen, boys, the cruelest thing I do! You see, I yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel! The sweetest way of rustlin' yet devised! 'Cause when I yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel, Why, looky how them cows get hypnotized!

Bill:
He don't prod

Phill:
He don't yell

Gill:
Still he drives them dogies well

The Willie Brothers:
Which ain't easy when your chaps are labeled XXXXL!

Alameda Slim:
Yes, if you're lookin' from a bovine point of view, I sure can yodel-adle-eedle-idle, Odel-adle-eedle-idle, Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Here we go, boys! Five thousand cattle in the side pocket! [Yodels "William Tell Overture", "Yankee Doodle" and "Beethoven's Ode to Joy"] Yes, I can yodel-adle-eedle-odel!

Grace:
Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, snap out of it!

The Willie Brothers:
A sound them cattle truly take to heart!

Alameda Slim:
Yeah, I can yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel-adle-eedle-idle-odel! An' smack my big ol' rump if that ain't art!

Gill:
[hit the Grace] He don't rope

Bill:
Not a chance!

Phill:
[Girls screamingly] He just puts 'em in a trance

The Willie Brothers:
He's a pioneer Pied Piper in ten-gallon underpants!

Alameda Slim:
Yep! I'm the real rip-roarin' deal to those who moo! Thanks to my yodel-adle-eedle-idle, Odel-adle-eedle-idle, I got cattle out the ol' wazoo! 'Cause I can yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! [Slim cackin' and girls screamin']

Alameda Slim:
[laughing] 5,000 Texas Longhorns. Not bad for one night's work.

Phil:
Pick a color. [He and Bill are playing with a cootie catcher]

Alameda Slim:
I said, not bad for one night's work. [Phil and Bill pay attention to Slim and clap] Thank you. And judging by the ear mark, I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd.

Gil:
Big Mike Donald had a farm?

Phil and Bill:
E-l-E-l... [Slim bashes them on the heads with his fists] Ohh...

Alameda Slim:
That's right. He had a farm. [He goes to his dressing screen stock and puts on his Yancy O'Del disguise] Now that all his cash cows have disappeared, that poor sap's gonna be flat broke. Perfect time for a certain upstanding land owner to step in and take all the land.

Phil:
[screams] Who are you?!

Bill:
What did you do with Uncle Slim?!

Phil:
Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches! [Slim grabs his fingers] Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Alameda Slim:
It's me. Hello! [Slim takes off the glasses and the blue top hat and holding a cane] This here is the disguise I use to sneak into all them auctions and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys.

Gil:
Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the the west. [Phil and Bill clap]

Alameda Slim:
Yes, but the part that really warms my heart is watching those homesteaders suffer. [He grabs a branding iron and brands Mike Donald's Farm and the Dixon Farm on the map] Back in the day, I worked the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen, but those stuck-up ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents.

Phil:
Maybe they just didn't like your singing.

Alameda Slim:
My singing?! [Bill cover's Phil's mouth] Songbirds sing. Saloon gals sing. Little bitty snot-nosed children sing. I yodel! And yodeling IS AN ART!!!!

Bill:
Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling.

[Phil cover's Bill's mouth and Slim tries to hit them with his branding iron, but misses them when they duck]

Gil:
He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim. Everybody likes yodeling.

Alameda Slim:
Hmm?

Gil:
Why, it's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds in the whole west.

[Slim tries to hit Gil with his branding iron, but misses as Gil ducks, then Slim sees Patch of Heaven on the map as it's unauctioned as he twitches]

Alameda Slim:
Uh, Gil?

Gil:
Uh-huh?

Alameda Slim:
Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair you've managed to sit in the exact same spot, perhaps blocking that choice piece of property from my view?!

Gil:
This is my comfy place. [beat] What? [Slim grabs him by the neck as he unintelligible gets choked on]

Phil:
It's called Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim. Goes on auction Thursday morning.

Alameda Slim:
[his fury quickly replaced by eagerness] Perfect! [He hits Gil on the head with his branding iron and lets him go] Pencil it in. Thursday morning... right after we sell off this herd.

Bill:
But it's just a little old dirt farm.

Alameda Slim:
Ah, what's the difference? When you're talking revenge, every last acre counts. [He brands Patch of Heaven on the map with his branding iron]

[Mrs. Calloway saves Maggie from drowning during the flash flood and drags her to a nearby rock on the shore]

Maggie:
No! Come on, girls, we can't give up!

Mrs. Calloway Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up, we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven.

Maggie:
But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward?

Mrs. Calloway:
We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole ridiculous plan is just so you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers.

Maggie:
Hey! For your information, duchess, this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm.

Mrs. Calloway:
Huh. Our farm might've had a fighting chance until you came along.

Maggie:
What's that supposed to mean?!

Mrs. Calloway:
Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior.

Maggie:
Look, I was just having...

Mrs. Calloway:
Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out, but you, Maggie, are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm.

Maggie:
Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should just go our separate ways.

Mrs. Calloway:
Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had.

Maggie:
Fine.

Mrs. Calloway:
Fine.

Maggie:
Fine!

Mrs. Calloway:
Fine! [Sits down as Grace looks sadly at the two of them]

Maggie:
Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever gonna feel like home to me anyways.

Sheriff Sam Brown:
Alameda Slim, you're under arrest! [Slim muffled "Let go or get us killed!"]

Grace:
Nobody messes with pearls, girls. [to Buck]

[The cows look at Maggie's old home filled with trophies]

Grace:
What's going to happen to the cow who lived there?

Maggie:
She'll be okay.

Grace:
How do you know?

Maggie:
You're looking at her.

Grace:
This was your farm?

Maggie:
Mm-hmm. We had like a family too, you know.

Grace:
What happened?

Maggie:
Alameda Slim happened...

[Slim arrives]

Maggie:
It's payback time. Cover me!

Grace:
With what?

The Willie Brothers:
Howdy, Slim.

Slim:
Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. [sings "Yodel-Adle-Eedle-Idle-Odel" alongside the Willie Brothers] Here we go, boys! 5,000 cattle in the side pocket! [yodels "William Tell Overture", "Yankee Doodle" and "Beethoven's Ode to Joy" and continues to sings]

Grace:
Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, snap out of it! [Slim cackles as the girls scream]

Rico:
Oh! [grunts and girls screams]

Man:
Rico, if you'd just been a second earlier...

Sam:
Alameda Slim, you're under arrest. [lashes the ropes to Slim who was muffled by the bell]

Grace:
Nobody messes with Pearl's, girls.

Buck:
Say, girls, got milk?

Girls:
Buck.

Buck:
Just kidding. [Slim has been put into a paggy wagon with his mouth gagged and body wraps in a ropes]

Sam:
[to his deputies] Take him away, boys. I hope you like stripes. [to Pearl showing Slim's bounty reward money] Pearl, your cows can't do much with Slim's reward money. Think you can find some use for it?

Pearl Gesner:
Woowie! My farm is saved! [hugs Mrs. Calloway and Grace and the other auctioneers cheer them]

Buck:
[from trailer] Let's not put the cows before the horse.

Junior:
Cows only.

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