Homicide: Life on the Street

[Pembleton needs the clothes of a brain-dead child for evidence]

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I need you to give me these clothes.

Joan Garbarek:
I can't.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You have to!

Joan Garbarek:
I *have* to? Let me tell you what I *have* to do today, okay? I have to go in there and I have to watch the doctors pinch Patrick's legs. I have to watch them stick pins at the bottoms of his feet. I have to watch them pour cold water, first in his right ear, then in his left, to see if his eyes moved today. And I have to hear them tell me that they don't. His eyes don't. I hear them say this. Nothing else can be done. And this is just a little *boy*! And they have to say this about him? *You* have to have his clothes? *You* have to know what we saw yesterday? I have to remember... Patrick standing there, he *has* to see the dinosaurs! He *has* to go to that window! It's always "one more minute!" He *always* has to do what he wants! And then he falls down and I think he's just teasing and he's going to get up in a minute and I'm going to yell at him to just get up and not get dirty! I *want* to see him get up... from his *own* bed. Do I have to think that he can lay there like this for another 50 or 60 years? Do I have to think that this is what he wants? Why do I have to? Why do I think that it can't be Patrick in there?

Det. Beau Felton:
You have the right to remain silent; although personally, I don't feel remaining silent's all it's cracked up to be... Smoke?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Baltimore, home of the misdemeanor homicide.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
There's no absolutes in life; only in vodka.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
He who loses control, loses.

[Crosetti and Lewis are in adjacent stalls in the men's room]

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Got any toilet paper?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Nope.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Got five ones for a five?

Det. John Munch:
Homicide: our day begins when yours ends.

Det. Stan Bolander:
It's hard to meet single woman on this job. You meet plenty of widows, but the timing just don't seem right.

[answering the phone at Christmas]

Det. John Munch:
Ho-ho-homicide.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You never say please. You never say thank you.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Please don't be an idiot. Thank you.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Homicide, sweet homicide.

Dr. Julianna Cox, CME:
Don't you even wonder why?

Det. John Munch:
Why what?

Dr. Julianna Cox, CME:
Why he lied.

Det. John Munch:
I'm a homicide detective. The only time I wonder why is when they tell me the truth.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Life would be perfect, if it was just kids and dogs.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And if you want a hug, I'd be happy to give you one.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
A hug?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Yeah.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Do you and Lewis hug?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Yeah.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
A lot?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
No, not a lot.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
But enough.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
What do you mean?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Forget I brought this all up.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No, no, no, no. *You* brought up the hugging thing.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
You sure you want me with you?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah, sure, why not?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
I don't know, uh, last time we worked together you were kind of snarky.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Snarky?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Yeah, snarky, you know, from the ancient Greek, meaning butt head.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You know, sometimes you're funny. Then there's now.

Det. John Munch:
Life should come with a money back guarantee. If you're not satisfied, return unused portion for a full refund.

Det. John Munch:
Every evening is as random as the next, death doesn't follow a schedule.

Det. John Munch:
[looking at corpse] With those beady eye and that mustache he looks like a cross between Steve Buscemi, John Waters and Edgar Allen Poe.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Aren't they all the same person?

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
It's better to be judged by twelve than carried by six.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
If you were going to hide a body, where would you bury it?

Det. John Munch:
In a cemetery.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Do be a milk drinker. Don't be a crack addict.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Have you been smoking the dope in the evidence room again?

Det. John Munch:
You're saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it? I'm just a donut in the on-deck circle. Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait until that big guy comes back. I'm probably just his secretary. I'm just Montel Williams. You want to talk to Larry King.

Bernard:
I'm telling you the truth.

Det. John Munch:
I've been in murder police for ten years. If you're going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect. What is it? Is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don't you ever lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams.

Bernard:
Who's Montel Williams?

Det. John Munch:
I'm not Montel Williams.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
You're a man.

Det. Beau Felton:
I'm your partner.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
I'm a woman.

Det. Beau Felton:
You're a cop.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Virtue isn't virtue unless it slams up against vice. So consequently, your virtue's not real virtue. Until it's been tested... tempted.

Det. John Munch:
But what if they make me take a test? I can't take tests. I always clutch. What if I take it and fail and all our dreams come crashing down?

Det Tim Bayliss:
Well, then it's simple. Meldrick and I will harm you.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Oh, I get it. You don't feel anything at all. You're the type of guy that two weeks from now, you'll be stopped at a traffic light and all this will hit you and when it hits, it'll hit hard. It'll hit you so hard that your heart will burst into a hundred pieces.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Lemme tell you one thing, all right? You gotta do everything I say.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Well, there's nothing I won't do; but some things are gonna cost you extra.

J.H. Brodie:
Well, you're a girl. A woman. A woman. A woman with wild red hair. I can't stay with you.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
What are you afraid of? I'm going to chain you to the bedpost and cover you with butter?

J.H. Brodie:
Only thing is, I know that you won't.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Either it's murder, or this library has a very strict overdue policy.

Det. Stan Bolander:
How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?

Det. John Munch:
Me.

Det. Stan Bolander:
That's besides the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.

Det. John Munch:
Name one miracle that's happened in your lifetime.

Det. Stan Bolander:
How 'bout the fact that I haven't killed you yet?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You go when you're supposed to go, and everything else is homicide.

Det. Beau Felton:
Kay might die. I'm not gonna close my eyes and pretend that nothing bad's gonna happen. Because you know what? It already did. So you gotta tell me, what're you supposed to do when your partner dies on you?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
What you do is... You keep going.

Det. Beau Felton:
What do you mean, you keep going?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You get up, you do your job, you make it through every day... And you hope that one day you're gonna wake up and it won't hurt so much. Then the next day it will hurt a little less, and the next day, even less than that. It's not like you forget them, you know? Your life is changed forever. It's not ever gonna go back to the way it was... But you get through it... You just keep going on.

Det. Beau Felton:
That's it? Keep going?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
That's it.

Det. Beau Felton:
Meldrick, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You're spitting on my advice. You call me down here, I open my heart to you, and now you're spiting on what I got to say.

Det. Beau Felton:
Basically, yeah.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Gimme back the giraffe.

Det. Beau Felton:
What? Forget it.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You don't like my advice, you ain't getting the giraffe.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You know, every day I get out of bed and drag myself to the next cup of coffee. I take a sip and the caffeine kicks in. I can focus my eyes again. My brain starts to order the day. I'm up, I'm alive. I'm ready to rock. But the time is coming when I wake up and decide that I'm not getting out of bed. Not for coffee, or food or sex. If it comes to me, fine. If it won't, fine. No more expectations. The longer I live, the less I know. I should know more. I should know the coffee's killing me. You're suspicious of your suspicions? I'm jealous, Kay; I'm so jealous. You still have the heart to have doubts. Me? I'm going to lock up a 14-year-old kid for what could be the rest of his natural life. I got to do this. This is my job. This is the deal. This is the law. This is my day. I have no doubts or suspicions about it. Heart has nothing to do with it any more. It's all in the caffeine.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're not Catholic and you took communion?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah, is that wrong?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
If my God wins... You're screwed.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What I have is, I have a second in time. I have a split second in an abandoned building with a gun in my hand and every instinct is telling me who I am at that moment. That's what I got left and that's all I got left... and I'm a homicide cop.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
What is y'all's fascination with sperm?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
It's just a healthy curiosity. If it weren't for our daddy's sperm, wouldn't none of us be here.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Or your mama's eggs.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I'm a detective, Frank. I'm a keen observer of the human condition. I pick up on the subtlest clues, I react to the slightest suggestion. In short, I deduct.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Who told you?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Brodie.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
So does the violence make them stupid or does the stupidity lead to violence?

Det. John Munch:
Well, that's chicken and egg semantics. The important point is that we win some cases because our brains are repositories for intelligence and their brains are day-old banana pudding.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
In this job you gotta be able to howl at yourself, or else you die inside.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Let me tell you what happened to me last night.

Det. Beau Felton:
Is this about sex?

Sgt. Kay Howard:
No.

Det. Beau Felton:
Forget it.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
I'm lying in bed...

Det. Beau Felton:
Ooh, what were you wearing?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I can't stop seeing her face. Adena Watson's face in the rain. Wounds on her body. She was so tiny. I try not to care, but if I do that, if I actually stop caring, then I stop being who I am. No job's worth that.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I'm tired of being the only one around here who gives a damn. You're looking at the new Frank Pembleton. Budding Republican and practicing selfish bastard. Savior of no one but himself. Shot of Gold Natty Bo. This is the new me.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
It's "till death do you part." You die, you part.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
I've been a cop for a long time. And drugs out there, we're never gonna win that. There's a hundred open-air drug markets in this city and fifty thousand drug fiends out there. And we are taking on human desires with lawyers, and jailhouses, and lockups, and you and I both know human desire is kicking us in the ass.

Risley Tucker:
Say Baltimore, and I'll tell you within ten blocks where you were born. Yeah, you from here. You got that home grown look. The not-too-southern, not-too-northern, not on the ocean but still on the water look. With maybe a touch of inbreeding.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Luther, Luther. Look both ways when you cross the street, my brother.

Luther Mahoney:
You do the same.

Det. John Munch:
The only thing I have in common with Judaism is we both don't like to work on Saturdays.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I watch my weight. I watch my diet. I watch my blood pressure. Every eight hours, no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I hafta take a little white pill. If I don't follow the rules, I die. I'm not going to treat you differently. I won't. 'Cause that's not who I am. And who I am is all I have left.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Sometimes I wanna call my wife just to hear the sound of her voice. But I know that five minutes into that phone call, my blood pressure is going through the roof, the phone is sailing across the room and I'm wishing that she's on a plane falling out of the sky. It's over. I know it's over. But I had to replace six telephones before I, I really got the hint.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
We're talking about sacred freedoms here - notably, your Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination. Hey, if it was good enough for Ollie North and Mark Furhman, who the hell are you to incriminate yourself at the first opportunity?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Blind faith is the crutch of fools.

Det. Paul Falsone:
You know, I was thinking of printing up one of those bikini calendars. You know, the cops of Baltimore type thing.

Det. Rey Curtis:
What happened?

Det. Paul Falsone:
You seen the cops in Baltimore?

Det. Rey Curtis:
You're right. Munch in a thong would be a little hard on the eyes.

Det. John Munch:
I don't like to form attachments with people. They either get suspended or throw china at you.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Do you think some people work harder to be stupider than others?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Remember kids, don't just say no to drugs, say "No, thank you".

[At the scene of a priest's murder]

Det. Laura Ballard:
Heaven can wait. Homicide can't.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Baltimore, do as I tell you to.

Det. Stan Bolander:
The Italians are an unforgiving lot.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
I know, but we make great pasta. It balances out.

[regarding an uncooperative witness]

Det. John Munch:
We're gonna neutron this little bastard!

[on the engine that Detective Meldrick Lewis has bought for the car he is building]

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Let me tell you, that doesn't play with me. See, when you buy a house, you don't buy a pile of dirt with a toilet on top. You get four walls which constitute a dwelling. You, if you look closely, have squat here.

[Detective John Munch has shown up unexpectedly at Detective Stanley Bolander's double-date]

Det. Stan Bolander:
Every fairy-tale has a nightmare, and this is mine.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You still believe that my cousin killed that boy because he was an Arab?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Hikmet was not an Arab. Turks are not Arabs...

Det. Tim Bayliss:
My cousin could not consciously kill someone.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I don't think it was premeditated. I think it was inherent. Jim's racism is so much a part of him, that he didn't have a chance to think about what he was doing. Jim is worse than a Klansman. 'Cause at least in their white sheets, they are recognizable. Your cousin's brand of bigotry is much more frightening because, like still water, it runs deep. He doesn't even see it himself.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You're wrong, dead wrong.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
The only one "dead wrong" is Hikmet Gersel. Did you see what happened when the verdict was announced? They applauded. Those law-abiding citizens, those good people applauded the death of a child. Let me ask you something, Tim - and then you tell me whether or not it was racially motivated - if that boy had been American, if that boy had been white - do you think anyone would have cheered?

[Bolander, the primary investigator into the suicide of Detective Steve Crosetti, is being pressured to rule it a murder]

Det. Stan Bolander:
Is that what you're asking, Lieutenant? To make it a murder? A murder with no murderer? A murder that can't be solved? If you order me to do it, I'll do it. Hell, my clearance rate is so low these days one more open murder isn't going to make much difference. Everyone says 'Do it for Steve', and I keep thinking that if he chose to commit suicide, what right to I have - what right does ANY of us have - to make that go away? I don't agree with what he did, but if that was his final statement, should I wipe that clear just for our peace of mind? I mean, nobody wants to admit it, but everyone knows what happened.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Meldrick, Crosetti's dead. He can't have any secrets any more.

Potential Waitress:
I'm not really a waitress. I write. One-acts.

Det. John Munch:
Hunh, one-act plays.

Potential Waitress:
Read them and we'll talk about them, okay?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You're a writer and you had to ask me for a pen?

Potential Waitress:
My life is total irony.

Det. John Munch:
All in one act, huh?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Fourteen years old... When I was fourteen, jeez, I was in the ninth grade, and I don't remember much of what I was doing, but I know I was nowhere close to picking up a gun and shooting another kid.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
How old should our shooter be?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Not fourteen.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
So if he's what, fifteen, sixteen years old, it makes any more sense?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
How old should he be then? What's the cut off age? Seventeen? Eighteen?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I don't know, but not fourteen.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
When you find out, clue me in, awright? I'd like to know when any of this killing, at any age, from six to sixty, makes any sense. One time I want to hear about a murder that makes sense. Just one time. For any reason.

[over a dead body]

Medical Examiner:
Another drug dealer. Collect all thirteen in the series, win a set of dishes.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Live stupid, die young.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You said summer was hell.

Det.Tim Bayliss:
Well... it was.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
It's all mind over matter, Bayliss.

Det.Tim Bayliss:
No, no, it's more than mind over matter. I know my mind and my mind remembers my ass melting into the tops of my shoes, all right? Summer was hell.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
There's no humidity in hell.

Det.Tim Bayliss:
What, you do a field report?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
By all reliable accounts, there's not a single drop of water to pass between heaven and hell. Hell is a dry heat.

Det.Tim Bayliss:
Oh. Well, book me a flight.

Det. John Munch:
[Bayliss is taking some pills for his back pain] What d'ya got there, Timmy? Some good stuff, huh? Percodan, Percocet, Tylenol, greenies?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
They're muscle relaxants!

Det. John Munch:
Even better.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You don't get any!

Det. John Munch:
No-one's willing to share their drugs anymore.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[on pulling a quadruple shift] I am soooo damn tired! My eyes are so far back of my head, I think I'm seeing things from a thousand years away.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[punchline to a joke Lewis tells in episodes broadcast nearly two years apart]... so the bear says, "You didn't really come here to hunt, did you?"

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're Mrs. Nawls, Darryl's mother?

Mary Nawls:
I'm his mother.

[she reads their faces and begins to panic]

Mary Nawls:
Where's Darryl? Is he in trouble? Is he okay? Has he been in an accident or something?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Mrs. Nawls, I'm a homicide detective.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Meldrick! In the mood for a multiple homicide?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
On a Friday night? Always.

Det. Beau Felton:
So you admit you deal drugs?

'Pony' Johnson:
In today's economy? You bet!

Det. John Munch:
I took the liberty of having my craw removed years ago so that I could sleep at night.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Don't nobody know nothing 'bout no shooting at no cops?

[working a murder case since the squad is shorthanded]

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
My first job as a foot soldier in I don't know how many years, and it's a stone-cold whodunit.

Det. John Munch:
[coming out of a bar and then saluting an American flag] I'm too damn sober.

[Lewis and Kellerman drove up to Hazel, Pennsylvania to bring a female suspect back to Baltimore]

Police Officer in Hazel, Pennsylvania:
You guys from Baltimore, here to pick up Rose Halligan?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
That's correct. I'm Detective Lewis, this is...

Police Officer in Hazel, Pennsylvania:
Uh, you can't have her.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
What do you mean?

Police Officer in Hazel, Pennsylvania:
Regulations stipulate a policewoman escorts a female prisoner.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[gesturing to Kellerman] Meet Detective Michelle Kellerman.

Police Officer in Hazel, Pennsylvania:
You're not a woman.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
I used to be.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[upon learning that having Crosetti's favourite pastries at his funeral would cost $200] That silly man and his silly cookies.

[looking over a dead body]

Det. John Munch:
From the tracks on his arms, large caliber wound, proximity to a heroin market... I'd say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of red and blue in 18th-century French romantic poetry.

[Bolander sees bird droppings on his car]

Det. Stan Bolander:
Would you look at this? Pigeons!

Det. John Munch:
Not from a pigeon, it's from a waterfowl.

Det. Stan Bolander:
A what?

Det. John Munch:
A waterfowl. From a mallard.

Det. Stan Bolander:
A duck?

Det. John Munch:
A well-fed duck.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Right, like you can tell the difference. That couldn't come from a seagull, I suppose?

Det. John Munch:
No, gulls have a milky white splurter. Notice the lobular pattern, these splays within splays.

Det. Stan Bolander:
Munch... why do you know these things?

Det. John Munch:
[answering the phone] Ho ho ho homicide.

Lt. Al Giardello:
According to this watch which I've never seen before, it's almost dawn.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
I didn't know you could play hearts for money.

Det. Beau Felton:
You can play anything for money.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Never try to hustle a Sicilian.

Det. John Munch:
You tried to hustle Gee at hearts?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
He plays hearts?

Det. John Munch:
The man was a legend back in the day, nobody could beat him. He put one of his kids through college just playing hearts.

Det. John Munch:
[missing every ball at the batting cage] Nobody can hit a ball going at a million miles an hour.

ASA Ed Danvers:
Are you okay, Kay?

Det. Beau Felton:
You stuttering?

Det. John Munch:
Have you ever been high, Stan?

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
Be serious, Munch.

Det. John Munch:
I am being serious. They call it a high for a reason.

Det. Beau Felton:
Frank, are you familiar with the last man in theory in the universe?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
The last man in... pays.

Det. Beau Felton:
Next round's on you.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I knew you'd say that.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
Have you ever smoked dope, John?

Det. John Munch:
I don't have to answer that.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
Nurse, can I have a cup over here? I'd like to test this man's urine.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Your wife grew up in a town called Boring?

Det. Beau Felton:
And you wonder why we're in counseling?

Robert Ellison:
The instant they pulled the trigger I lost my wife, but I joined a club. It's a very exclusive club. But the funny thing about the club is that none of the members want to belong. It's like some sort of secret society where only the initiated can recognize the other members.

Emergency Room Doctor:
[Detectives Ballard and Gharty arrive at the hospital to investigate a teenager's death] The victim's name is Scotty Meyers, gunshot to the head.

Det. Laura Ballard:
Did he say anything about who shot him?

Emergency Room Doctor:
No, ADASTW.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
What?

Emergency Room Doctor:
Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
That's a book that I got for Rene.

Det. John Munch:
Zen for Beginners?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah, she was asking me some questions about Buddhism.

Det. John Munch:
And you're concerned with her spiritual well-being.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Absolutely. Well, y'know, probably I'm also thinking she might go out with me.

Det. John Munch:
Let me get this straight: you're interested in Rene romantically?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah. Yeah, why not? She's single, she's beautiful, and she's very open-minded.

Det. John Munch:
I knew it about you all along, Timmy.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What's that John?

Det. John Munch:
Beneath all that dogma, you're still a dog.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
How the hell could Susan Dehen not know she was sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.

Det. John Munch:
Well, you said they looked exactly alike, right?

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Yeah, but in bed, there's a lot more going on than the visuals.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Sound...

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Taste...

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Smell...

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Touch...

Det. John Munch:
Cable.

Beatrice Crosetti:
Fool of took. Frankly my dear I don't give a damn.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
[as he shoots Luther Mahoney to death] You have the right to remain silent.

Luther Mahoney:
Yo! Turn around! Turn around and die like a man, you b*tch!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
This man was a bastard.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah, he was.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
He got what he deserved.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yes, he did.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Manslaughter, 5 years suspended.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What are you talking about? It doesn't work that way!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[laughs] It doesn't?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No! No, you can't just go through this world giving every bastard what he deserves!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[to Pembleton] Now, you want to call that first bullet self-defense, fine. First one's on the house. Second bullet, you want to say that that was shot in fear, that's great, that's no problem because, you know, we're going to give her a two bullet handicap. But the third shot, Frank, the one where he's down on the floor, and he's of no threat to anyone at all, Frank, come on...

Det. Tim Bayliss:
'The Getaway?' Wasn't that made into a movie?

Det. John Munch:
Twice. The one with Steve McQueen is a classic.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I don't remember a remake.

Det. John Munch:
That's because it wasn't worth remembering.

Det. John Munch:
Chicago has two seasons: winter and St. Patrick's Day.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Damn Him!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
The killer?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
God.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Frank, I don't think you can ask God to damn Himself. And if you do, don't stand next to me because I don't want to get hit by lightning, this is a new suit.

Det. John Munch:
Why don't we charge one of the personalities with harboring a fugitive?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I don't care how many personalities you may or may not have, 8 personalities are never going to speak again because of you. You had no right to kill them, especially in God's name!

Lt. Al Giardello:
[watching a multiple personality killer] I used to date a girl like that.

Det. Beau Felton:
The kids are kids, and everyone else is adults.

Det. Beau Felton:
Today, I get to see my kids.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Yeah and I'm off to have lunch with your wife, somehow I think I'm getting the short end of this deal.

Det. Beau Felton:
Ally's first tooth is about to come out, I'M the tooth fairy! Nobody else!

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Okay.

Det. Beau Felton:
Zack's baseball game is coming up, if he slides and breaks his collar bone, I'M going to be the one taking him to the hospital, no one else! I remember when I was his age and broke my collar bone, and my dad wasn't around to take me to the hospital.

Det. Beau Felton:
I've told you before, when I'm not around, I need you to look after your sister and your mother, it's your job to protect them.

Zack Felton:
I can't stop any big guys!

Det. Beau Felton:
Don't worry about the big guys, I'll stop them.

Zack Felton:
How? You're never even home. I don't care anyway, Mom says if you don't come home soon, she's going to find me a new dad.

Lt. Al Giardello:
[to Frank] You have to find out what you're really angry about. If you're angry that Wilgis is going to go to a mental hospital instead of the electric chair, or if you're angry because you didn't get her confession.

ASA Ed Danvers:
Sometimes being public advocate means being devil's advocate.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
So the judge was walking to his car, taking a call.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You assume he was taking a call and not making a call... because he had just come from his office where he could've made a call for free and who wants to pay the outrageous cell phone prices?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No, because there's a pay phone over there that's off the hook.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Congratulations, you just found a downtown payphone that actually works.

Det. Laura Ballard:
[being wheeled into an ambulance] Do I still have it?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Have what?

Det. Laura Ballard:
My foot! My ankle! Wherever I was shot!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yes.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Don't lie to me!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I'm not.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Gharty was shot in the chest.

Det. John Munch:
Is he going to make it?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
We don't know. Ballard was shot in the ankle.

Det. John Munch:
That's not as bad in comparison.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
She might lose her foot.

Det. John Munch:
God!

Lt. Al Giardello:
The Mahoney organization doesn't sleep tonight. Everybody's going out, Georgia Rae wanted a war, well now she's got one.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
There is no truth for me anymore.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Do me a favor.

Det. Paul Falsone:
If I can.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Give me your gun.

Det. Paul Falsone:
What?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
You go out, and leave me in here with your gun for a minute.

Det. Paul Falsone:
I can't do that.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
The nurse chased us out, she said she didn't want a crowd.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Yeah? Well screw the nurse.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[to Mary] If I had just listened to you, I never would've come back to this job... and Bayliss wouldn't be lying in that bed under all those tubes.

John Munch:
[to Briscoe] You're either divorced or you hate who you're married to.

Meldrick Lewis:
[Two Baltimore homicide, Detectives Rene Sheppard & Meldrick Lewis walk slowly on a narrow city lane along the waterfront in Fells Point. Both detectives are walking slowly, heads down, searching for a murder weapon or shell casings from a recent homicide. The hour is late. They illuminate their path with flashlights] Meldrick: If I could just find this thing, I could go home.

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Sheppard: You won't find what you're looking for.

Meldrick Lewis:
Meldrick: What? Why not?

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Sheppard: It's a mystery.

Meldrick Lewis:
Meldrick: Huh?

Det. Rene Sheppard:
Sheppard: Life is a mystery. Just accept it.

Meldrick Lewis:
Meldrick: Yeah, well, that's what's wrong with this job. It ain't got nothin' to do with life. [Long, slow fade]

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I have a plan.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Bayliss has a clever plan.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Frank, do you have a plan?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I admit, I have no plan.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Those victims weren't innocent and they're not going to be missed by anybody. I don't care who's losing the war, I'm only worried about somebody winning it.

Det. John Munch:
Did you go after guys like that?

Det. Stuart Gharty:
Yeah, I was a kid doing kid things. It's testosterone, hormones...

Det. John Munch:
I hated guys like you in school.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
[Munch goes on about the torment he suffered in high school at the hands of people like Gharty] For all the crap you went through, take your best shot at me.

Det. John Munch:
Okay. [picks up a glass ashtray and swings at Gharty]

Det. Stuart Gharty:
Whoa whoa whoa! [grabs Munch's arm] How about if I buy you a beer?

Det. John Munch:
A beer's going to take away the crap I went through?

Det. Stuart Gharty:
No, but it'll get that asthray out of your hand.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[about the Mahoney organization members suddenly coming up murdered] I tell things to people that they otherwise wouldn't know.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[after finding a back of yellowish water in a freezer] Does this look strange to you?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Nah, just good old Baltimore City tap water.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[shaking his head] Nah.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
I'm so glad I didn't send those flowers.

Det. John Munch:
I sent the flowers.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
I mean a man my age making goo goo eyes at... who did you send flowers to?

Det. John Munch:
Dr. Blythe.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
I'll gut you!

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
We've been down that road 20 times, Fenwick is not going to confess.

Det. Beau Felton:
Maybe not, but his neighbors say he hasn't been sleeping too well lately. Maybe ol' Agnes decided to pay him a visit.

Lt. Al Giardello:
[on the idea of using ghosts, astrology, etc., to solve homicides] Personally I don't believe in any of it, unless maybe it works.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
That was deep.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
That *was* deep.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
She may have wanted her husband dead, but she didn't kill him.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
John! John!

Det. John Munch:
What?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You are yelling at a rat!

Det. John Munch:
I'm upset because every relationship I think I have is not the relationship I actually have.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
That's the problem with this job. It's got nothin' to do with life.

[first lines of the series]

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
If I could just find this damn thing, I could go home.

[on Detective Steve Crosetti]

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You in your own little world 'cause don't no one wanna live there with you.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Homicide: We work for God.

Det. Stan Bolander:
What's a lady like you doing in a place like this?

Dr. Carol Blythe, M.E.:
Looking for Mr. Right.

[it is Detective Tim Bayliss' first day in the homicide unit]

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Excuse me, hi - where could I get a cup of coffee?

Det. John Munch:
There's a machine on the first floor.

[Bayliss leaves]

Det. Stan Bolander:
There's coffee right in there.

Det. John Munch:
That's our coffee.

Det. Beau Felton:
Amazing. Life is amazing.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Really?

Det. Beau Felton:
This must be a mistake. Am I actually going on a routine call with Frank Pembleton?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're right. It's a mistake.

Det. Beau Felton:
Frank Pembleton only works the big investigations. This is just some dead guy.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
See what happens when I come into the office?

Det. Beau Felton:
Imagine - handling a routine call with Detective Frank Pembleton.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I'm slumming.

Bernard:
I'm telling the truth this time! You don't believe me?

Det. John Munch:
Frankly, I preferred your Jamaican story better. It had a kind of Elmore Leonard quality.

[Bayliss wants to watch Pembleton interrogate a suspect]

Det. Frank Pembleton:
What you will be privileged to witness will not be an interrogation, but an act of salesmanship - as silver-tongued and thieving as ever moved used cars, Florida swampland, or Bibles. But what I am selling is a long prison term, to a client who has no genuine use for the product.

[Munch approaches a man planning on mugging him, Lewis and Crosetti]

Det. John Munch:
[showing his badge] We're homicide detectives, go rob somebody else.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[Two Baltimore homicide, Detectives Steve Crosetti & Meldrick Lewis walk slowly along a street with Belgian block pavers along the waterfront of Fells Point. Both detectives are walking slowly, heads down, searching for a murder weapon that was recently fired. Another name has been added to the Baltimore city homicide tally. They illuminate their path with flashlights. The area has grown quiet now that the bar patrons are now home and tucked in for the night. Lewis longs to be there himself] Meldrick: If I could just find this damn thing, I could go home.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Life is a mystery. Just accept it.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You're in your own world, Crosetti.

[Crosetti lights a cigarette that has been dangling out of his mouth]

Det. Steve Crosetti:
The quest for life... not finding... looking. I read about it in this book.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Now, since when did you ever read a book?

Det. Steve Crosetti:
I read this book... an excerpt in this book.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You see? That's what I'm sayin', man. You said you read a book but you didn't read nothing but an excerpt.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
It says you never find what you're looking for because the whole point is looking for it. So, if you find it, it defeats its own purpose.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Y'know you're in your own little world because don't no body else wants to live in there with you.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
You try to explain everything, ya know, but there are things you cannot explain.

[Meldrick pointing his flashlight upward at Crosetti's face, casting an eerie glow]

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Y'know what you are, man? You are a little fat head guinea,you know that? A little Italian Salami-brain.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
You're gonna regret that.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Man, let's c'mon back and look for this projectile tomorrow, alright?

Det. Steve Crosetti:
All right.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Why do you think that this kid would be riding around in Burger's white T-Bird when that was the easiest way to link him to the murder?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I don't know 'cause... crime makes you stupid.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Can I quote you on that?

Det. Steve Crosetti:
[Crosetti, Lewis, and the cemetery manager are supervising an exhumation. A cemetery worker pries on an object with his shovel in the grave and it breaks] Hey, what was that?

Cemetery Manager:
That's the top. You got the top of the box right there. [to the worker] Just get that, pull that out, don't even mess with it.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
That's a pretty cheap lookin' casket, ain't it?

Cemetery Manager:
Styrofoam. Buried like a hamburger. I could have put him in stainless steel for 2200 dollars. Find that for less than six grand.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Come on, hurry up, will ya?

Cemetery Manager:
[to the worker] Hurry up, will ya? [back to Crosetti and Lewis] I could have put him in solid cherry for 1800. Try and find that for less than four grand.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[Crosetti crosses himself] He look a little... small, like a, like a prune or somethin'. [offers the manager a look at the photo] Don't ya think he looks heavier in the picture?

Cemetery Manager:
Nobody stays fat down there.

J.H. Brodie:
[about a pig] His name's Angie.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[referring to Brodie] It's not his job to pig-sit.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I can't remember my telephone number.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Every eight hours, no matter where I am, I have to take a little white pill, if I don't play by the rules, I die.

Det. John Munch:
If *I* have a stroke, I get a disability check and a handshake at best.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Get over there! He's concious i want him interrogated! In Fact i want him interrogated even if he's NOT conscious!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
So what does M.C. stand for?

MC Gooden:
Mister Clean.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
We've been partners for about four months: you know that I've tried to quit smoking about 50 times, you know all the sordid details about my divorce, you know that I go to sleep every night on a pillow with my favorite cartoon characters, and it never occurred to you to mention that you had a brother named Anthony, let alone a crazy brother.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
He was always doing that, trying to kill himself. And he saw me and he went to make his move, and ordinarily I'd try and stop him but that time I didn't.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
You let him fall?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
He broke his hip, broke his collarbone, broke both his legs.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
It's a wonder he didn't kill himself.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Yeah, but I wished he did.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[finding the backseat of a car covered in blood] That's usually the first sign that somebody did something to somebody.

Det. Megan Russert:
[Munch is trying to find out who Kay's boyfriend is] He wrote down the license plate, Kay, he's going to find out.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Well not from me.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
.. and for that matter, d'you ever know anybody in the witness protection program, or know anybody who knows anybody in the witness protection program?

Det. Paul Falsone:
Nobody knows. That's the point, they're invisible. Just like the Nielsen families.

Det. John Munch:
It's like this dream I had when I was a kid: first day of school, wandering around the halls, looking for the right classroom. People are staring at me, and this girl I had a crush on - Helen Rosenbaum - she's laughing and pointing at me, and I realized I didn't get dressed. I'm buck naked. All I have on is my shoes and socks.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Black socks?

Det. John Munch:
Argyle.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
I had that dream.

Det. John Munch:
Everybody has that dream. It's the human condition in a nutshell.

Det. John Munch:
Bayliss, don't give me any zen song and dance about how money is an illusion, taxes are an illusion, the IRS is an illusion.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
On the contrary, John, money is Mara, the Destroyer, the Evil One.

Det. John Munch:
You haven't experienced the Giardello summons, yet? The full force laser beam G-ray: strips varnish off furniture, enamel off teeth?

Agent Mike Giardello:
Her husband's in the hospital, recovering from a gunshot wound, and she's busy casting blame in his direction. Sound like a superb marriage to you?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Sounds about average to me.

Det. John Munch:
The Zapruder film's out on VHS and DVD, as if there's a choice.

Billie Lou Hatfield:
DVD, definitely. Gotta have that freeze frame, stop action, enhancement capability.

Det. John Munch:
One night after work, we should open a bottle of zinfandel and watch the Zapruder film frame by frame and see which ones are missing.

Billie Lou Hatfield:
Twenty-six seconds of the most compelling footage ever filmed.

Det. John Munch:
The woman of my dreams.

Agent Mike Giardello:
[to Ballard about the desirous way she's looking at Falsone] Girl, that expression on your face is illegal in some states.

Det. John Munch:
What happens to us that we forget how wonderful it is just to hold another human being's hand?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
We get older.

Det. John Munch:
We get older. We forget who we used to be, what we used to believe in. Love, peace, the Colts would always be in Baltimore...

Det. John Munch:
Come on, do it for me just one more time, please, and I won't ask you again.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Would you give it a rest?

Det. John Munch:
Just once more, please?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Oy vey iz mir, I'm so meshugenah I could plotz.

Det. John Munch:
Do it again.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
No.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
[about Bayliss] He's in a flux.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Flux you!

Det. Laura Ballard:
[about Bayliss' new attitude] Well, he almost died.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
I almost died. You don't hear me quoting Hindu.

Agent Mike Giardello:
This is a vendetta.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I died, y'know, after I got shot. It's...

Det. John Munch:
You mean you had a near death experience?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Oh, no, not near death. I, uh, actually died.

Det. John Munch:
You mean you were going towards a bright light and all your ancestors were waving "howdy"?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No... It was more like I, uh... more like I could feel all the... I don't know, the different... parts of me, the... elements that make up my physical presence - water, air, earth - I could feel them... breaking apart, dissipating... Yeah, becoming one with, um... The greatest force of energy in the universe.

Det. John Munch:
Tim, this zen detective thing is starting to really rub my rectum the wrong way.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Oh. I don't expect you to understand unless you understand, John.

Det. John Munch:
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What?

Det. John Munch:
It's like being partner with a fortune cookie.

Det. John Munch:
[to Bayliss] You don't want to partner with me. I'm bad luck. I'm a curse: Bolander, Russert, Kellerman. I'm like a black hole. You partner with me before you hand your badge in.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
So... what, G's father was Italian and his mother was black?

Det. John Munch:
Yeah.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Must've been tough.

Det. John Munch:
What?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Y'know, growing up half-breed, being accepted, figuring out what your loyalties are.

Det. John Munch:
G's loyalties are to the Baltimore PD.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No, I mean before that, John. He wasn't always a cop.

Det. John Munch:
You sure about that?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Interviewing G's relatives, you get to find out a lot more than you knew before. For instance, did you know that G, when he was seven years old, could speak two languages?

Det. John Munch:
No. Did you know he was prom king?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No. Did you know that his son and he haven't talked since G's wife died?

Det. John Munch:
Yes... which should make the next few moments incredibly interesting.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Why's that?

Det. John Munch:
Here comes the son.

Det. John Munch:
[at the end of canceling a date with Lewis] Let's keep our relationship professional?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[pretending to be distracted from reading his newspaper] Strictly professional. [Sheppard leaves; Lewis tosses the newspaper in the air and crosses the room to Munch, incredulous] You hear that? Huh? Did you hear that?

Det. John Munch:
You ever considered dating a prostitute?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
No. Why?

Det. John Munch:
Well, a prostitute is a professional, right? That way, you can keep the relationship professional and still get laid.

[Mike Logan is transporting a prisoner from New York to Baltimore, where he is greeted by Pembleton]

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
Detective Frank Pembleton? Mike Logan, NYPD. This is your prisoner, R. Vincent Smith.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
So, whenever you decide to show up, I'm supposed to be here?

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
Hey, you're on the clock same as me, what difference does it make?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Typical Big Apple attitude.

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
Anyway, Mr. Smith here has agreed to waive extradition on a felony warrant for second-degree murder. So they call this Charm City, huh? Sounds like something you get out of a box of Cracker Jacks. Who'd want to stay in this land of enchantment?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Plenty of New Yorkers *ran* down here to Baltimore. Dorothy Parker, for example.

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
Dorothy who?

R. Vincent Smith:
Parker, you illiterate. [Logan slaps the back of Smith's head]

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Dorothy Parker was the wittiest woman in America. The *toast* of Manhattan. She dies, she's cremated. Her ashes sit in a jar in some Wall Street lawyer's office for twenty years - *twenty years* - while all the New York sophisticates ham and haw, 'whatsoever shall we do with poor Dorothy's ashes?' And where does she end up? Baltimore!

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
I got two words for you guys. Babe Ruth. The Babe. King of Swing, Sultan of Swat, born right here in Baltimore. But where does he go to get his fame and fortune? New York City.

R. Vincent Smith:
Edgar Allen Poe. Edgar Allen Poe hated New York so much he had to come to Baltimore to die! That's what New York does to its poets.

NYPD Det. Mike Logan:
What did he die of, the local crab cakes? Enjoy your stay, Shakespeare.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're going to jail for this murder. But thank your lucky stars it's not gonna be in New York.

R. Vincent Smith:
Why do you think I didn't fight extradition? I may be guilty, but I'm no fool.

Det. John Munch:
[after seeing a picture of himself in an art gallery] I'm naked! My dingle is blowing in the wind!

Lt. Al Giardello:
Close the case, close the case, close the case, close the case, close the case.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[after seeing the naked picture of Munch, laughing] Munchkin, oop, can't call him that anymore. [laughs]

Col. Burt Granger:
[discussing the color of his newly painted office] Does this look like 'Misty Pearl' to you?

Lt. Al Giardello:
Wasn't Misty Pearl on 'Hee Haw'... wore the hat with the tags in it?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're not Catholic and you took communion?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah, is that wrong?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
If my God wins, you're screwed.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
[on the phone with Beau's wife] I swear on my life, my father's, my aunt's, my grandmother's, Beau is not here.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[to Frank] Where the hell was God when this woman needed Him? Why doesn't Mr. God protect people like Katharine Goodrich or Adena Watson?

Lt.:
[Al's telling her to go home and rest] What if Granger calls back? What if the mayor wants to talk to me?

Lt. Al Giardello:
I'll tell them you're in the ladies room.

Lt.:
[laughs] Okay, if anybody needs me, I'll be in the ladies room.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
[Beau's wife keeps calling Kay to speak to Beau] She didn't marry me, she's not calling to speak to me. Just talk to her, tell her that you're not going to kill yourself, that you miss her, because if she keeps calling me, I *am* going to kill myself.

Det. Stan Bolander:
A woman can affect a man totally. How a woman feels about a man, that's how he is gonna feel about himself, his friends, his job...

Det. Paul Falsone:
[after the detectives have found a man killed by pit bulls] Looks like he was usin' that nine iron to try to beat 'em off with

M.E. Dr. Scheiner:
For pit bulls I'd've gone with a three wood.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Could you knife someone in cold blood over the Super Bowl?

Det. John Munch:
Maybe I'll just get a van and drive all around this country and wherever that van breaks down, I'll just throw open the back door and perform puppet shows!

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[Crosetti thinks a shooting death is a suicide] There's no note.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
Maybe he wasn't the literary type.

Lt. Al Giardello:
[to Frank and Tim] I want to see both of you in my office in one hour.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[to Frank] Why am I suddenly becoming very happy you're the primary on this case?

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Most of the people who kill are men, and most of the people who get killed are men. I'm surrounded by men solving crimes by men.

Det. Paul Falsone:
[the detectives are discussing Baltimore landmarks] Baltimore is a city of many splendors but the greatest architectural feat: Madonna's bra.

Det. Terri Stivers:
[incredulous] What?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Yeah, Madonna's bra. The sewage treatment plant on East Point. Them two golden cones just stickin' up outta nowhere.

Det. Terri Stivers:
Madonna's bra.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
[chuckling] That's what the East Siders call it.

Det. Paul Falsone:
Two golden orbs shimmering in the moonlight, towering over the landscape.

Det. Terri Stivers:
I don't think I've ever seen it.

Det. Paul Falsone:
Are you serious?

Det. Stuart Gharty:
To die without viewing it would mark an incomplete life.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[to Georgia Rae] What happened is your brother put a gun to my head and got himself shot.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
Are you Douglass and Rodney's sister?

Donna McCord:
Sister? No, I'm their mother.

Det. Laura Ballard:
[laughs] I'm sorry, but you're too young to be their mother.

Donna McCord:
Yeah well, somebody should've told their daddy that.

Det. Laura Ballard:
Thanks for the help.

Det. Terri Stivers:
No problem, it's a nice change from my life!

Det. John Munch:
I am too damn sober.

Det. Rene Sheppard:
We say all we want is the truth but we don't want the truth because the truth is nothing but a mess.

Independent Counsel William Dell:
[speaking to reporters live on TV] The motive for this contract murder appears to be an attempt by high-ranking members of this Administration to silence a witness who was prepared to testify about sexual impropriety at the office of the White House Chief of Staff.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
[switches off TV] 40 million dollars worth of misinformation.

ASA Ed Danvers:
And we helped him dig up the dirt.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
[referring to Ned Burks] I specifically asked the shift commander to put him on suicide watch. Unfortunately, at Rikers Island that seems to mean they stand around and watch you commit suicide.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
[to the Independent Counsel] What kind of railroad are you running, Mr Dell?

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
Get ready for a federal subpoena.

Det. Rene Sheppard:
What are you talking about?

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
Well, they laid one on us in New York this morning. They took every bit of evidence we had on this case. I figure you folks are next.

Det. John Munch:
You drove 200 miles south to tell us that? Good job, Paul Revere.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
I'm on my way to Washington anyway. You got a cup of coffee?

Det. Rene Sheppard:
What's going on there?

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
The Independent Counsel shanghaied Chesley Purcell's shooter. When they found out he had nothing to say about any of the President's men, they got bored with him. They're returning him to our custody, and McCoy wants me to transport him back to Rikers, put him on suicide watch.

Det. John Munch:
You're telling me that Ned Burks killed Chesley Purcell over a lesbian's love lost? Yeah, and Jack Ruby was a grieving patriot.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
A ***cancer-ridden***, grieving patriot.

Det. John Munch:
Lennie, you precious rube! Amazing how all those years on the mean streets of New York have had so little effect on your sweet, childlike brain.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
[to agent of the Independent Counsel's office] You guys couldn't track a bleeding elephant through the snow!

Tim Bayliss:
Welcome back, Lennie!

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
Bayliss, right?

Tim Bayliss:
Yeah. [they shake hands] So, as a rule, you can only cross the Mason-Dixon line if you bring a really screwed-up case with you?

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe:
Hey; if it doesn't make sense, it belongs in Baltimore - right?

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
[disbelievingly] We're actually in the White House, on a murder case!

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
Why did you have Purcell take the body to New York? Why not just leave it in Baltimore?

Walter Boyce:
When you've got someone working for the White House telling you they want some b*tch to be itched, the drama's going to be thick. I got business interests in Baltimore; you know that. I figured I drop the body somewhere else. Besides, Chesley wanted to see some show on Broadway. Uh, some musical thing with a lion. Part of the contract was that I got a hold of some seats for her.

Det. John Munch:
You paid a hitter with tickets to "The Lion King"?

Walter Boyce:
Third row, orchestra.

Detective Rey Curtis:
[sarcastically] A liar in the White House: gee, what are the chances?

Carla Bernardi:
This William Dell - he's in our closets, he's in our bedrooms! This started as an investigation into the President's business affairs, policy matters. This thing has become its own sick argument.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
You son of a b*tch! You offered Dawkins immunity to get whatever you can on the Administration.

ASA Ed Danvers:
But you refused immunity to Walter Boyce, who's already doing life in prison, just so you can torpedo our case.

Independent Counsel William Dell:
There are larger issues at stake. This is more than a murder here.

ASA Ed Danvers:
[scoffs] More than a murder?

Independent Counsel William Dell:
Corruption at the highest level.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy:
What proof do you have? Dawkins has no corroboration. All you've got is innuendo and allegation!

ASA Ed Danvers:
That's all he needs. He set it up so that is case will never get to court! You don't want a jury trial - a chance to determine who's guilty and who's not.

Meldrick Lewis:
So remember kids - don't just say no to drugs. Say, "No, thank you."

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Let me get this clear in my mind: what you want me to do is section off a non-smoking area for the two of you, right?

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Not just for the two of us; for many non-smokers.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Uh-huh. Where are all these non-smokers?

Sgt. Kay Howard:
If you build it, they will come.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Is that right? Where do you suggest I find the space to create... to build this non-nicotine field of dreams? The coffee room? Would that suit you?

Sgt. Kay Howard:
You'd give us the coffee room?

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Sure. I give you permission to post a notice. YOU put up a sign to ban all cigarette smoking in the coffee room.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No, I think that the coffee room is sacred to the guys, Gee.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
You're not as dumb as you look, Bayliss.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[Genuinely touched] Thanks, Gee.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Coffee and nicotine, mom and apple pie, hot dogs with mustard, sex and latex... somehow, you mess with any of the combination of those, you take your life in your hands.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
There's a statute from OSHA that mandates that no smoking areas be designated in each and every public working place.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
[Chuckling] Oh, OSHA, huh? All right. There are federal statutes and state statutes and city statutes mandating that people curb their dogs, play their stereos at a reasonable volume, and respect the office of the presidency, but who cares about any of that? [Chuckles] OSHA.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
You refuse to enforce a federal law?

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Yes, I do. I most certainly do.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
Gee, sometimes being in command means issuing unpopular orders.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Are you calling me a coward?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No no no no no, sir.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
No.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
Sure, you are.

Sgt. Kay Howard:
No, I'm not. I...

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
In so many words you're saying I'm too scared to put up a cigarette ban in this squadroom. I watched Crosetti try to quit smoking. Crosetti without smoking is an unecessary terror. You may be right: I may be a coward. But you may be right and needlessly stupid and reckless at the same time. Now, get out of here, both of you.

Det. John Munch:
[after finding an apparent suicide in a stable where country music is playing on a portable radio] What do you get when you play a country- western song backwards?

Uniform Roger Gaffney:
What?

Det. John Munch:
You get your wife back, your job back and your dog back.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
Getting hit in the head with a bat, I guess that's the most affection he ever got.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
I remember when kids used baseball bats to hit... baseballs.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander:
[a gang member confesses to beating a new member in the head with a baseball bat to show his love for him] Homicide just ain't what it used to be.

Det. John Munch:
If a murder is committed in Baltimore and no homicide detective takes the call, did that murder actually occur?

Lt. Al Giardello:
I want you both wearing vests!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Don't worry about it, Gee.

Lt. Al Giardello:
And don't tell me not to worry!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
It's a red ball on top of a red ball.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
The doctor says I can go through months of painful physical therapy with no guarantee, or I can have the surgery, and he recommended the surgery.

Det. John Munch:
With no guarantee.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What do you mean?

Det. John Munch:
You go to the chiropractor? You go to herbalists?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Yeah.

Det. John Munch:
The doctor doesn't see any of that money. He only gets paid if he cuts you open.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Oh come on.

Det. John Munch:
Alright, let me ask you a question, what kind of car does he drive? A Lexus? A Buick?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
A Jaguar.

Det. John Munch:
Must be the economy sized model, eh?

Capt. Megan Russert:
What amount of stress could make anybody just go out and start shooting at people?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
See that's the thing, he's not feeling any stress.

Capt. Megan Russert:
How can you tell?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Being a marksman is all about precision.

Det. John Munch:
I'm not worried about the sniper getting me. One bullet in my noggin, that's it, it's over, I'm fine with that, but I will NOT stand by and watch you get shot again.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
What're you talking about, John?

Det. John Munch:
Do you think I could ever forget you and Stan and Beau getting shot? And all I could say to Gee was 'they messed up my shoes with their blood'. I was in such shock from seeing your blood everywhere, I couldn't do anything.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Alright, John.

Det. John Munch:
It's not alright!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
We're moving this desk away from the window or it's going the hell OUT the window.

Det. Megan Russert:
If Mariner's friend stays true to form, he starts shooting again in eight minutes.

Mary Pembleton:
It's alright for you to be scared for me but it's not alright for me to be scared for you? What do you think I feel every day seeing you go out?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
This is different!

Mary Pembleton:
No it isn't, you always tell me 'it's the job', 'it's the job', well you know what, Frank? This is MY job. And I'm not leaving until it's done.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Mary, don't make a scene in front of my partner.

Mary Pembleton:
Fine, Tim, leave, and take Frank with you.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
It wasn't your job to save Mariner's life. Why does his death bother you?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I was the primary, Frank!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
YOU DID YOUR JOB! Nine names in red turned into nine names in black and if Mariner wasted himself, so what?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Wait a second, YOU are always telling me how you see ALL lives as being as important.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Yeah well if I was God, I'd have a hard time taking Mariner's death, and the deaths of nine innocent people and weighing them the same.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
There's another sniper shooting, why isn't there a hangman game at this one?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
It takes two to play hangman.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Munch, let's go!

Det. John Munch:
I've got things to do.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
I'm not asking you out on a date, John, come on!

Det. John Munch:
You're the sarge, sarge.

Mary Pembleton:
What're the odds of me getting shot?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Why can't you give into me just ONCE?

Mary Pembleton:
I'll not give in to hysteria.

Det. Megan Russert:
Frank, get Mr. Robey a cup of coffee.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I get his coffee?

Det. Megan Russert:
I was just sitting here talking to Robey, I was telling him about my demotion.

Alex Robey:
She says she's a nobody, she's not a nobody.

Det. Laura Ballard:
[after finding a murdered priest in his office and being told the witness was next door in the church] Tell him we need to ask him some questions.

Officer Salerno:
He's kinda, like... prayin'.

Det. Laura Ballard:
Heaven can wait... homicide can't.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
What's that?

Det. Steve Crosetti:
I... it's a rosary, alright? I'm praying.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Praying because you didn't break your hand?

Det. Steve Crosetti:
I'm praying for Chris.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Well that's fine praying for Chris, but you didn't even pray for yourself when you got shot.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
[punches the car window three times] I think I broke my hand.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[about Bayliss] He's okay, he's thorough, he learns, but he's a snail!

Lt. Al Giardello:
Frank, if you were a homicide, who do you think I'd assign the case to? The snail.

Calpurnia Church:
I need my medicines.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Which medicine? I took two dozen different kinds of them out of your purse.

Calpurnia Church:
All of them.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
All of them? If I were to give you all of them, then I would have to go downstairs and explain to my lieutenant why I let my prime suspect OD in the ladies room.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[an anonymous caller gave the name of Thormann's shooter] Anonymous caller, sure, anonymous note, anonymous letter to the editor. They can call it anonymous all they want, but we [takes the receiver off the phone] know better. [points to Crosetti's rosary on the phone] This thing is working!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I don't know about you, but I don't wanna see Munch run out a bunt.

Lt. Al Giardello:
If it's any consolation, Bolander's only called me once.

Det. John Munch:
It's no consolation.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Sometimes being a parent is a pain in the ass, [pounds his chest] it's a pain in the heart!

George Buxton:
What happened to the other two cops? The black guy and the woman with the wild hair?

Det. Mike Kellerman:
We replaced them, I'm Detective Kellerman, and this is Detective Munch.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
So, you leaving?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Nope. [looks at the board] Not until I solve the Lambert case.

Det. John Munch:
In the last couple years we've lost guys left and right: Crosetti, Bolander and Felton.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Bolander and Felton are on suspension, they'll be back.

Det. John Munch:
Yeah but Kellerman, Bayliss and I own a bar together; and finally after a year of blood, sweat and suds we are finally in synch, and if Bayliss transfers to vice or fraud or quits being a cop, it's going to throw off our equilibrium.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Has Bolander called you at all since he went on suspension?

Det. John Munch:
I'm sure he has his reasons.

Lt. Al Giardello:
Stan always has his reasons, sometime I'd like to know what they are.

Det. Stuart Gharty:
Moxie, huh? I always thought what you had was spunk.

Det. Laura Ballard:
I hate spunk.

Det. Laura Ballard:
[coming into the squad break room after being hassled by reporters outside] Well, the press is in full-assault mode.

Det. John Munch:
Two dead white girls in two days, that's their kind of case.

Det. Laura Ballard:
[reading the newspaper headline] Martini murders?

Det. John Munch:
Yeah, strangled, not stirred.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I will never, ever speak to you again as long as I live. I will treat you like Nixon treated Agnew.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You're history. And if the detective wasn't so busy typing up your statement, he'd probably tell you so. He'd say, 'Son, you are ignorance personified, and you just put yourself in for the murder of another human being'. He might even admit to you that after all his time working murders, he's still amazed that anyone utters a word in this room. Think about it, son. When you came through those doors, what did the sign say? Homicide Unit, that's right. And who lives in a Homicide Unit? And what do homicide detectives do for a living? You got it, bunk. And tonight you took someone's life. So when you opened your mouth, what in God's name were you thinkin'?

J.H. Brodie:
[In the section of the documentary entitled 'Random Thoughts'] The rights of the suspect. Give me your thoughts.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You are a citizen of a free nation. Having lived your life in a land of guaranteed civil liberties, you commit a crime of violence, whereupon you are jacked up, dragged down to Police Headquarters and deposited into a claustrophobic anteroom containing a table, two chairs and cold brick walls. Have a seat, please. And there you sit for a half hour or more before a homicide detective, a man who can in no way be mistaken for a friend, enters the room. He offers you a cigarette, not your brand, and begins an uninterrupted monologue which wanders back and forth, eventually coming to rest in a familiar place: you have the right to remain silent.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You have got the absolute right to remain silent!

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Of course you do. You're a criminal. Criminals always have the right to remain silent.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
We're talking about sacred freedoms here, notably your Fifth Amendment protection against self incrimination. Hey, if it was good enough for Ollie North and Mark Fuhrman, who in the hell are you to incriminate yourself at the first opportunity?

Det. John Munch:
Get it straight, a police detective being paid government money to put you in prison is explaining your right to shut up.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
You see, you have the right to talk to an attorney before answering any questions or during any questioning.

Det. John Munch:
Now, the man who wants to arrest you for violating the peace and dignity of the great state of Maryland has informed you that you may talk to an expert, an attorney. Who's read the relevant code, or at least gotten his hands on some Cliff's Notes.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
And let's face it pal. You just carved up some drunk behind a Dundalk Avenue bar or bludgeoned your wife to death with a pick axe, that don't make you a brain surgeon. You're gonna need the help of an expert! Believe me, take whatever help you can get!

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
The detective wants you to know, and we've been doing this a lot longer than you, so you can take our word for it. Your rights to counsel... aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Once you up and cal for that lawyer, son, there ain't a damn thing we can do for you! No sir, your good friends in the Homicide Unit are gonna have to lock you all alone in this room. And the next authority figure to scan your case will be a no-nonsense prosecutor from the Violent Crimes Unit, with the official title of Assistant States Attorney for the City of Baltimore.

Det. John Munch:
And God help you then, cause a ruthless blood-sucker like that'll have an O'Donnell Heights motorhead like yourself halfway to the gas chamber before you can get three words out.

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Your best bet is to speak up. Speak up now.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Come on Frank, one neighbor murders another and you don't want to know what it means?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I know exactly what it means: 10 hours of overtime, and if Mr. Jackson is willing to take it to trial, another 20 hours of court pay!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I think this case is a slam dunk.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
A case being writ in black even as we speak.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Well, I'd be wrong.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
No, you'd be right! We got the shooter, we got his gun, we got beaucoup eyewitnesses, and the man's giving it up.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
[Whispering to the camera in the back seat] We need the "why".

Det. Frank Pembleton:
No, you need the "why",I don't need to know the man, or any more about his problems than this: He shot his neighbors and then waited on his swing for the police to arrive so that he might surrender his freedom. Mr. Jackson has been so helpful and so efficient that to ask for more would be ungracious.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Hey Hey Hey!

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Whoa! You guys solve your case?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Yep

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Nope

Det. Mike Kellerman:
Well, which is it?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Tim's tormented again, by the "why"

Det. John Munch:
Tim's always tormented by the "why". I got a why questions for you, Bayliss. Why do you always need to know the "why"?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Well, we got our "why". The husband's having an affair, he doesn't want the wife to know. The neighbors are snooping around, so he shoots them down. Bada Bing!

Det. Tim Bayliss:
There's more to it, Frank. I think that we should go talk to Mrs. Jackson.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
Mrs. Jackson is in a Glen Burney nursing home. You want to talk to her about her husband's extra-marital affairs? You got your confession, leave the woman alone.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You know what your problem is, Timmy?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
I don't got a problem.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
You let things haunt you.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No I don't! And I know what you're thinkin'.

Det. John Munch:
What are we thinking?

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Adena Watson?

Det. John Munch:
That's what I'm thinking

[Turns to Lewis]

Det. John Munch:
Is that what you're thinkin'?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
That's exactly what I'm thinking!

Det. John Munch:
When was the last time you read a book?

Josh Howard:
He's my friend.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
I know, but that doesn't make what he did right.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
[Kaye returns] Oh salvation! I am relieved from Felton!

Chick:
There's no ballet in Baltimore.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard:
Really? Well then we'll have to do something else.

Det. Beau Felton:
Every night someone lights this candle by the board.

Lt. Al 'Gee' Giardello:
You're a detective. Solve it.

Det. Beau Felton:
A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.

Det. Stan Bolander:
I know what to do with a dead body. I do *not* know what to do with a live baby.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
You said summer was hell.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Well... it was.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
It's all mind over matter, Bayliss.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
No, no, it's more than mind over matter. I know my mind and my mind remembers my ass melting into the tops of my shoes, all right? Summer was hell.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
There's no humidity in hell.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
What, you do a field report?

Det. Frank Pembleton:
By all reliable accounts, there's not a single drop of water to pass between heaven and hell. Hell is a dry heat.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Oh. Well, book me a flight.

Det. Frank Pembleton:
I had my doubts but you're right. I am now convinced that Tucker killed Adena Watson.

Det. Tim Bayliss:
Really? I'm not so sure he did anymore.

Risley Tucker:
You got your dark side, and it terrifies you, and it frightens you. It scares you cause it's powerful and it makes you capable of doing anything. Anything. Without it, you look in the mirror, and all you see is an amateur.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
You got toilet paper over there?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
No.

Det. Steve Crosetti:
You got five $1s for a $5?

Risley Tucker:
You from Baltimore, right? Do you say BAWL-mer or BALL-di-more? Come on, say it. I'll tell you which neighborhood you're from. I rode the streets. I talk to people. Say Baltimore, and I'll tell you within ten blocks where you were born. Yeah, you from here. You got that home grown look. The not too southern, not too northern, not on the ocean but still on the water look. With maybe a touch of inbreeding.

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Have you *seen* her?

Det. John Munch:
Who?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Wu.

Det. John Munch:
Why?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
[shouts] Whoah!

Det. John Munch:
Wu?

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
Woo-hoooo!

Det. Meldrick Lewis:
The longer I do this job, the more I realize that everything is about your relationship with your mother.