Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Nick:
I'm on a special diet. No toxic waste.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
When I was your age, I put on twenty pounds of pure unadulterated blitz-the-quaterback-and-rip-his-head-off muscle, Russell!

Amy:
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Nick:
I don't think we're in the food chain anymore, Dorothy.

Nick:
We're now a quarter of an inch tall, and sixty four feet from the house. That's an equivalent of three-point-two miles. That's a long way. Even for a man of science.

Nick:
When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes. It didn't take too long.

Nick:
We could be anywhere now.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
I think we're still in your yard.

Nick:
How do you know?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Any other yard the grass would be shorter.

Nick:
Where'd you learn artificial respiration?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
French class, kid.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
The early worm catches the fish, Russell. Remember that.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Something tells me we're not going fishing this weekend.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
That should make you happy.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Blow it out your shorts, Ron!

Amy Szalinski:
If you were my brother, I'd put myself up for adoption.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Yeah? I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.

Mae Thompson:
How did this happen?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Let me handle this. How did this happen?

Ron Thompson:
I'm your brother, Russ, you're not supposed to rat on your own brother!

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Dad, you know the weights are not my thing.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Weights aren't your thing. Fishing isn't your thing. Just what is your thing?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
I don't know. But I'll keep you posted.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Okay, in the meantime, you're trying these weights, and you're coming fishing with the family! IS THAT CLEAR? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Yes sir.

Ron Thompson:
What's a river doing in your backyard?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
It isn't a river, dope, it's a big stream of dog pee, but looks like a river to us.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
I wish I had a corndog the size of a truck.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Ron, if you had a corndog it would be the size of a truck.

Wayne:
Honey, I shrunk the kids. And the Thompson kids too. They're this big. They're in the backyard. And, I threw them out with the trash.

Diane:
What!

Wayne:
There must be some mistake. Ours are in the backyard. Right, honey?

Nick:
Hey wait! I get it! FRENCH CLASS!

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Hey, if we had some rope, we could make a log bridge! If we... If we had some logs.

Wayne:
If the machine had blown up the kids, there would be pieces of them everywhere...

Diane:
Wayne!

Wayne:
Sorry, but I'm positive about this. The machine shrunk our kids.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
You're the one who needs a shrink, Szalinski. You are a nut case. And I'll tell you something, I have got an air hammer in my attic and if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of YOU ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Your dad will go to jail, your mother too. After all she paid for, that makes her accomplice. Do you even know what it's like in jail?

Amy:
I'm not even going to tell you one more time to shut up.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
And then what? You'll smack me? You'll go to jail. I'll tell them after a big bee ate my brother you smacked me around. No jury in the world would fail to convict you. The whole Szalinski family is going to be in jail for life...

Amy:
Look, my dad's invention works and so when we get home and he fixes us, we're gonna be so rich. You're gonna regret this.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Um... Amy, you know I've always liked your family. Your dad's a real nice guy. He's not as weird as I thought he was. I love you and Nick like... Like my own brother and sister.

Dr. Brainard:
You were right about the electric flea collar. The extension cord was a bad idea.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Hey Szalinski, don't you ever do anything normal like play baseball?

Nick:
Nope. Baseball is for mortals.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Maybe you could be the base.

Nick:
Maybe you could be the mound.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Ronald, load your stuff!

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Later, worm.

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
They're never going to believe this at school.

Nick:
I can just see the note to the teacher: "Dear Miss Mason, Nick isn't absent. He's pinned to this note".

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
So, you like to dance?

Amy:
Yeah... You could see me?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Well, no... Well yeah, yeah I could... But I wasn't watching.

Wayne:
Don't worry, they've got the Thompson kids with them.

Diane:
That's another thing that worries me: Amy. In the dark. With Little Russ Thompson.

Wayne:
Get some rest, honey.

Diane:
They had better behave themselves.

Amy:
Nick, what did you do?

Nick:
Me? It was his ball!

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Shut up, wimp!

[Nick falls into a flower]

Amy:
Nick, get out of there. You're allergic to pollen.

Nick:
It's too big. I'm too little to breathe it in.

[Nick sniffs the flower's pollen; he does a little sneeze]

[Wayne shows the Thompsons the shrunken furniture]

Mae Thompson:
Why didn't you tell us about this earlier?

Diane:
Well, up until now, the machine just... blew things up.

Mae Thompson:
Are you saying that that machine...?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Blew up my kids?

Wayne & Diane:
No, no!

Wayne:
No, if the machine had blown up the kids, there'd be pieces of them everywhere...

Diane:
Wayne!

Wayne:
Sorry, but I'm positive about this. The machine shrunk our kids.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
You're the one who needs a "shrink", Szalinski! You are a nutcase. And I'll tell you something: I have got an air hammer in my attic, and if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of you all over the neighborhood! Come on, Mae!

[Russ Sr. storms out of the house, taking Mae with him]

Wayne:
I think that went well.

Diane:
I think we should have them over more often.

[the ground starts to vibrate beneath the kids' feet]

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
EARTHQUAKE!!

Nick:
No worse, LAWNMOWER!!

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Hey, Ron, this is a lot better than those nature hikes dad drags...(looks up) AAAHHHH!!!!!!!

Amy:
Nick, don't you ever pick up your toys?

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
What a wimp!

Nick:
I've been looking for that guy.

Amy:
Nick, what did you do?

Nick:
Me? It was his ball!

Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Shut up, wimp!

Nick:
We have to find Dad. He'll know what to do.

[The phone starts ringing]

Amy:
Nick, if that's Paul Tate, I'm going to kill you.

Wayne:
Wait a second, Nick doesn't play baseball.

Nick:
Hey, wait! I get it...French Class! (laughs)