Horrible Bosses

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Are you gonna slap me in the face with your cock?

Dave Harken:
Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few bandaids on your nipples!

Kurt Buckman:
[after seeing a picture of Harken's Wife] I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states.

Detective Hagan:
Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victims house. Just moments after he got shot dead.

Nick Hendricks:
I was drag racing. I'm a drag racer.

Detective Samson:
You were drag racing.

Nick Hendricks:
[nods]

Detective Samson:
In a Prius.

Nick Hendricks:
I don't win a lot.

Kurt Buckman:
Are you a businessman?

Dean 'MF' Jones:
Yeah. Motherf***er Jones.

Dean 'MF' Jones, Kurt Buckman:
[shake hands] What's that?

Dean 'MF' Jones:
Motherf***er Jones.

Dale Arbus:
Your first name is... Motherf***er?

Dean 'MF' Jones:
Not "motherf***er". "Motherf***ah". White people say "-er", Negroes say "f***-ah". You say "er", I say "ah".

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
[after spraying Dale's crotch with water] Well Shabbat Shalom, somebody's circumcised!

Bobby Pellitt:
I'm a green belt, motherf***er!

Kurt Buckman:
C'mon! Let's do this! Think about Gam-Gam! Wouldn't she want her favorite grandson to be happy?

Nick Hendricks:
She wouldn't want me to kill him.

Kurt Buckman:
You gotta forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. Move on.

Dale Arbus:
[Talking to man on NavGuide] Hey I always wondered these kinds of things, but is your real name Gregory?

Atmanand:
[in Indian accent] Um, no, sir. Standard NavGuide protocol is to use names American people find easy to pronounce. My real name is Atmanand.

Kurt Buckman:
You know what, buddy, I'm not gonna play by the rules. I'm gonna call you Akmantad.

Nick Hendricks:
Atmonent.

Atmanand:
[slowly pronouncing] At-man-and.

Kurt Buckman:
I'm just gonna call you Gregory cuz that name is a f***in' nightmare, buddy, let me tell you.

Nick Hendricks:
I don't have sleeve gloves.

Wetwork Man:
Are you kidding me? I've driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on?

Nick Hendricks:
Okay, we're following a strange guy into a dark corner.

Kurt Buckman:
You don't f***ing punch the driver!

Nick Hendricks:
Yeah, you don't punch the driver, man.

Dale Arbus:
I'm coked out of my f***ing head, I can punch whoever I want to!

Dale Arbus:
So you took the penis foods as an invitation to f*** her?

Dale Arbus:
Why did you put his entire bathroom in your ass?

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.

Dale Arbus:
What?

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
You are going to f*** my slutty little mouth.

Dale Arbus:
No one's going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah.

Kurt Buckman:
Technically, I think it's immoral not to kill him.

Dale Arbus:
[about Bobby Pellitt] Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?

Kurt Buckman:
I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!

Dale Arbus:
You're lying! You *know* there's DNA in your butt! You just like shoving sh*t in your ass, you f***ing pervert!

Nick Hendricks:
We are lawyering up, man. That's it.

Dale Arbus:
I don't have money for a lawyer, okay! I bought a very expensive ring that I can't afford, then I gave the rest of my motherf***ing money to Motherf***er Jones!

Kurt Buckman:
That's who we should talk to.

Nick Hendricks:
Sure. Why not? He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?

Dale Arbus:
Five thousand... forty, with the briefcase.

Kurt Buckman, Nick Hendricks:
Shut the f*** up about that case!

Dean 'MF' Jones:
First thing first, we gotta handle business.

Kurt Buckman:
Mm-hmm.

Dean 'MF' Jones:
I need five thousand dollars.

Kurt Buckman:
No!

Dale Arbus:
No!

Nick Hendricks:
There's gonna be no more money.

Dale Arbus:
No!

Dean 'MF' Jones:
Two thousand?

Dale Arbus:
No.

Nick Hendricks:
Absolutely not.

Kurt Buckman:
No way, Motherf***er. No.

Dean 'MF' Jones:
[sighs in defeat] All right, look... pay for my drinks.

Dale Arbus:
Pay for his drinks? Yeah. [to Nick] Pay for his drinks.

Nick Hendricks:
I'll do that.

Dale Arbus:
Not a very good negotiator.

[first lines]

Nick Hendricks:
I get to work before the sun comes up, and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in 6 months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell.

Dale Arbus:
You don't put a playground next to a bar. That's entrapment.

Bobby Pellitt:
You're three hours late. What's the deal?

Kurt Buckman:
I was at your father's funeral.

Bobby Pellitt:
Uh huh. Well, maybe that excuse would have flown when my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.

Kurt Buckman:
Your father told me very clearly that he would rather die than save money and hurt people.

Bobby Pellitt:
Well guess what, looks like we're right on schedule then.

Dale Arbus:
What is "deliberately" undressed. You accidentally get undressed?

Nick Hendricks:
Where were you during the murder?

Kurt Buckman:
I was making love. I was making love to a woman. You know... murdering some ass.

Dave Harken:
[to cops] Please protect me from them! I have a wife - and a cat!

Nick Hendricks:
[narrating] Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt, there's no laws on the books against putting people's toiletries up your ass.

Kurt Buckman:
[last lines - out take] Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel and showing her the fifty states, right?

Nick Hendricks:
I don't know what that means.

Kurt Buckman:
It's a phrase.

Nick Hendricks:
I don't know think so.

Kurt Buckman:
Yeah it is. Certainly it is. Definitely it is.

Nick Hendricks:
Really?

Kurt Buckman:
Yeah, it's from a movie.

Nick Hendricks:
[negative head shake] uh, uh.

Kurt Buckman:
It is now. [looking into camera]

Nick Hendricks:
Beautiful. [winks at the camera]

Bobby Pellitt:
You know what, I don't hear you giving... dickskin any sh*t.

Kurt Buckman:
Dickskin? Nice.

Bobby Pellitt:
Kiss ass.

Jack Pellit:
Come on, come on.

Bobby Pellitt:
Yeah, go on, in you go. Go on Gay boy!

Kurt Buckman:
I'm not gay!

Bobby Pellitt:
Please. I've seen gay boys. You're one of them.

Kurt Buckman:
Yeah, where'd you see them.

Bobby Pellitt:
In your house! Get in! I'm a green belt, motherf***er!

Kurt Buckman:
Oh sh*t! I broke a rock!

[out take]

Kurt Buckman:
[in reference to Bobby's house] This place is awful. It's like The Sharper Image took a sh*t in here.

Dale Arbus:
[after Julia just showed him pictures of her cavorting him while he was unconscious] Rape. Rape, rape, this is what raping is. You're a raper, you've raped me. That's a rape! RAPE!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Oh, just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard.

Dale Arbus:
That does not give me any relief.

Dave Harken:
Listen to me, you stupid little runt. I OWN YOU. You're my B*TCH! So don't walk around here thinking you have free will because you DON'T. I can break you anytime I want!

Dale Arbus:
[Dale finally has leverage on Julia] This is what's gonna happen. I'm going to take a two-week-long, very expensive holiday with my fiancee. Let's call it a honeymoon. And YOU'RE going to pay for it! Then I'm going to return to a nice, rape-free workplace from now on. Because if you so much as LOOK at my *sexy little ass*, Julia, I will have yours *locked the f*** up* you CRAZY B*TCH WHORE! Man, that felt GOOD!

Kurt Buckman:
I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states.

Dale Arbus:
[walks into Julia's office, notices she is wearing nothing but heels, panties and her white jacket covering her breasts] Oh, sh*t!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
[pushes a lock button on her desk to prevent Dale from leaving]

Dale Arbus:
Uh, oh.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
[motions to the chair] Will you have a seat, Dale?

Dale Arbus:
Do I have to?

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Please.

Dale Arbus:
Sure. [slowly and awkwardly takes his seat] This is a little ridiculous, but...

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Look, Dale, you know... I know I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing I wanna do is-is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it's just not professional, you know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know... when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?

Dale Arbus:
Okay. Now.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
What?

Dale Arbus:
Well, now, you're kinda crossing a line... because you're naked.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
Uh... I'm not naked, Dale. Can you *see* my p*ssy?

Dale Arbus:
[nervously] Hmm... true. Um... but I think, uh, even really saying the word..."p*ssy", that's...

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
That's crossing the line?

Dale Arbus:
Little bit.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.:
You're starting to sound like a little f*ggot there, Dale.

Dale Arbus:
There we go! That one's another one. Probably illegal thing to say, too.

Nick Hendricks:
I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me...

Kurt Buckman:
That coked up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!

Dale Arbus:
She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!

Kurt Buckman:
...Y'know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

Dale Arbus:
Your ad said you do wetwork.

Wetwork Man:
That is correct. I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in the "men seeking men" section?

Kurt Buckman:
[to Dale] You f***ing idiot!

Dale Arbus:
We are MEN looking for another man!

Nick:
[to the forthwall] The only hitch? I work for this guy, David Harken... who right now is giving me some old sh*t for killing two people. He's a total f***ing a**hole.

Harken:
If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire Mat, our longtime security coordinator.

Nick:
Ok, I may have been two minutes late.

Harken:
I'm a green belt, motherf***er...

Nick:
What?

Harken:
Yeah. All right?

Nick:
Okay.

Harken:
Now, I know you've been working your tail off for that promotion.

Harken:
But I'm not sure I can even consider...

Harken:
...making you the senior vice president of sales ... if I can't trust you.

Nick:
You can trust me.

Harken:
Yeah, now you sound like my wife. “You can trust me. Just trust me, honey. Nothing’s happening behind your back. Trust me, trust me, trust me.” Meanwhile, she’s f***ing every guy in the neighborhood.

Kohead:
I have no idea why he thought you were so f***ing special.

Kohead:
But that doesn't matter now, cause he's in the ground, and I'm your boss, and you know -there's gonna be some changes around here.

Nick:
- Can't wait to hear them. [w/ big smile]

Kohead:
- First things first. EnviroTech Waste Management.

Kohead:
It's costing us a lot of money. [picking his ear w/ hand]

Harken:
It's like you don't care about this company at all.

Kohead:
No f***ing sh*t I don't care about this company. This is just an ATM to me. You think when I was a kid I dreamed of running a f***ing chemical company? No. I dreamed of being on a beach with a model serving me tropical drinks. That's what I dreamed of. and that's what's gonna happen...

Nick:
Why would I stay after being treated like this?

Harken:
Well, because I'd make sure that nobody in the industry would ever hire you again.

Nick:
Bullshit.

Harken:
No, because they're gonna want my letter of recommendation, right? So I'm perfectly willing to write that you are an insubordinate, dishonest drunk.

Nick:
You can't do that. That's not true.

Harken:
Let me tell you something, you stupid little runt. I own you. You're my b*tch. Don't walk around thinking you have free will because you don't. I can crush you any time I want. So settle in because you are here for the long haul.