Hotel Transylvania

Wayne:
Yeah it's a mess back there.

Dracula:
Welcome To Hotel Transylvania!

Dracula:
It's ok we all get stomachaches Mr Big Foot.

Dracula:
Good morning Mavey Wavey.

Mavis:
Ha-what-what?

Mavis:
Oh, hi humans.

Dracula:
Hey you don't need a manikin!

Dracula:
Evil villain you will never win!

Mavis:
Who was that?

Dracula:
Who was what?

Jonathan:
Are these monsters gonna kill me?

Dracula:
Not as long as they think you're a monster.

Jonathan:
That's kinda racist.

Mavis:
You sure? It'll be fun.

Jonathan:
Ok.

Mavis:
Is it true, are you a human?

Martha:
Your zing will come, cherish it my love, love mommy.

Dracula:
House-keeping!

Jonathan:
Look at me, I'm a Frankenhomie!

Dracula:
[against the window of an airplane, sees a Twilight movie playing] This is how we're represented, unbelievable.

Jonathan:
[on opposite sides of an airplane window] Drac, I can't understand you!

Dracula:
What? My hands in a tan shoe?

Dracula:
[after noticing Mavis kissing Jonny] [rushes in between them and shouts at Jonny] How could you? After I shared my pain with you?

[repeated line]

Mavis:
Holy rabies!

Eunice:
English, please! Your voice is REALLY annnoying!

Jonathan:
I'm Dracula, Bleh, bleh-bleh!

Dracula:
I've never said that in my life. 'Bleh, bleh-bleh.' I don't know where that comes from!

Mavis:
Uhm... who is that?

Dracula:
Who was what?

Jonathan:
[groans]

Dracula:
Oh that. That is ahh... nobody.

Mavis:
Seriously dad?

Jonathan:
Dad?

Mavis:
Yeah, I know Dracula's daughter. Everyone freaks out at first.

Jonathan:
Dracula?

[Quasimodo kicks a suit of armor in the groin]

Suit of Armor:
Ow! Why did that hurt me?

Dracula:
Listen to me, you are never to return here. Your are to stay away and tell no humans about this place. Or I will track you down, and suck every ounce of blood from you body, until you look like a deflated whoopee cushion!

Jonathan:
Uh, can I just ask? What exactly is this place?

Dracula:
What is this place? It's a place I built, for all those monsters out there lurking in the shadows. Hiding from the persecution of human kind. A for them and their families to come to and be themselves. A void of torches, pitchforks, angry mobs. A place of peace, relaxation, and tranquility.

Jonathan:
Cool, so it's like a hotel for monsters?

Dracula:
[irritated] Yes, exactly. A hotel for monsters, way to sum it up.

Dracula:
[thinks Murray passed gas] You're kidding me. Right in my lobby?

Murray:
Drac, I swear, man, I don't run like that.

Gremlin Lady:
Excuse me. One of your piranhas in the lake is very rude. He ate my sister-in-law.

Dracula:
I know I lied. I was wrong. But you have to believe this: Johnny wasn't a bad guy. The truth is, I don't know if humans are bad anymore. Frank, come on, buddy. You understand.

Eunice:
He's not talking to you. First you tell us humans are bad, now they're good, what else? Up is down, cold is hot, gremlins don't smell.

Gremlin Man:
Hey!

Wayne:
What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go.

Murray:
That was pretty sick, man.

Wayne:
You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing.

Dracula:
[Runs after Quasimodo to rescue Jonathan, but is stopped by Mavis] Mavis? Why are you still up? The sun is out. It could kill you, my honey-gut.

Mavis:
I couldn't sleep. You know where Jonny went?

Dracula:
I don't know. He - [Turns around & eyes her down angrily] Why do you want know?

Mavis:
Oh! Uh,

Quasimodo:
When you bump with the hump, you land on your rump!

Jonathan:
Yeah, well, I was afraid your dad was gonna suck all the blood out of my body if I didn't say that.

Dracula:
I wouldn't have... No, he's right, I would have done that.

Mavis:
Dad.

Dracula:
I was wrong, Devil-chops.

Dracula:
[holding Jonathan and looking at Mavis] Someone closer to your age, help plan the party.

Mavis:
[looking at Jonathan] You're my age!

Jonathan:
Sure, oh, well, how old are you?

Mavis:
118.

Jonathan:
100 and... [Dracula elbows Jonathan in the stomach] Yeah, I'm 121.

Mavis:
Really?

Dracula:
I do not say, "Bleh bleh bleh"!

[Dracula is at the door do Mavis' bedroom]

Shrunken head:
Oh, it's you. Glad you could make it.

Count Dracula:
Is she up yet?

Shrunken head:
Oh, she's up. She's ready to go. And by "go", I mean go. As in, go check the world out. What you gonna do? What you gonna say?

Count "Drac" Dracula:
I got it covered. Please, relax. Just do your job. [opens the door] Good morning, Mavey-Wavey! Happy Birthday, my little mouse!

Mavis Dracula:
[deadpan] Thank you, Dad. I know it's my birthday.

Dracula:
I have so much fun planned! Whoo-hoo! But first, we go catch some scorpions together, just the 2 of us, yes, Dead-ums?

Mavis:
Dad, please let me speak. There's something we have to talk about.

Drac(ula):
You want to go out into the world. You can.

Mavis:
Aha! I knew you were gonna say that. But, Dad, you gave me your word, you know that I know that a Dracula's word is sacred. That our trust is the core of our… Wait, what?

Drac:
I said you can go.

Mavis:
You're just playing with me.

Drac:
No, no, no, no. You're old enough to drive a hearse now, you're old enough to make your own choices. You can go.

Mavis:
Holy rabies, holy rabies! [hugs him, then rushes to the closet and packs her suitcase, turns into bat form and starts to fly out the window]

Drac:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Wait a second, sweet fangs. Where are you going?

Mavis:
Oh, well, I'm going to paradise, and this is just some stuff that I thought I would need.

Drac:
Paradise?

Mavis:
[turns back into human form] Yeah, you know. It's the place out there where you and Mom met. Auntie Wanda says you 2 were just like, Zing!

Drac:
I don't know from Zing. Where did you find that card?

Mavis:
In one of your drawers. Why won't you ever tell me about how you (and Mom) met?

Drac:
It's actually Hawaii.

Mavis:
[confused] Ha-what-what?

Drac:
(I'll tell you later.) Look, honey. I know your excited, but everyone has gone to great lengths to come see you on your birthday.

Mavis:
I know. They always do. [turns back into a bat] Aren't I getting a little old for those parties? I love them, but I really want to see new things. Maybe meet somebody my age. [begins to pout]

Drac:
Come on. No, no, don't do that. Don't give me the pouty-bat face. Okay, there is a human village just a little ways past the cemetery. You could go there and be back in, like 30 minutes or so. It should be plenty for your first time.

Mavis:
[sighs] Well, it's not Ha-wee-wee, but I guess it's still technically out there. Okay, okay, okay! [flies back in the window and turns back into human form and hugs her dad] Thanks for trusting me.

Drac:
Of course, little one. I gave you my word.

Drac:
Deviled lizard fingers!? I asked for spleens-in-blankets!

Quasimodo:
You ugly fool! I told you! He doesn't like the lizard fingers!

Gargoyle Waiter:
But you said... [Quasimodo slams the plate on top of his head]

Jonathan:
[sees Skeleton Wife and approaches her] Whoa! Check that costume out! Wow, seriously, I just have to ask - how are you pulling this off? I mean, it looks so real, like I– [reaches his hand through her chest] I could just reach my hand through and... [Skeleton Wife shrieks and slaps him]

Skeleton Husband:
[appears; angrily to Johnny] What do you think you're doing?!

Johnny:
[frightened with realization] Uh-- She's... She's real! You're real!

Skeleton Husband:
Yeah, and I'll give you a real beating! Keep your hands outta my wife! [shoves Johnny and he bumps into Big Foot, then he looks up to see his face and starts shrieking]

Drac:
[hears Johnny screaming and turns to see he's not behind him anymore] Oh, no! [heads out to find him]

Johnny:
[realizes the monsters around him are real; hysterically] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[Johnny crashes into Mavis, then they look into each other's eyes and they feel a zing… but Drac gets in the way.]

Drac:
[concerned] Mavis, honey, are you alright?

Mavis:
[dazed] Yeah, I think so. That was weird…

Johnny:
[groaning] Oh, my head hurts…

Mavis:
[curious] Um, who is that?

Drac:
[nervous] Who is what? Oh! Oh, that? That is, uh… nobody.

Mavis:
[deadpan] Seriously, Dad?

Johnny:
[surprised] "Dad"!?

Mavis:
Yeah, I know. Dracula's daughter. Everybody freaks out at first.

Johnny:
[hysterical] Dracula!?

Drac:
Okay, we gotta go. [quickly takes Johnny away, leaving Mavis completely suspicious. Drac opens the door to his bedroom]

Johnny:
[screams in horror] Please, don't kill me! I'm so young! I have so many places I want to see! I've got tickets to 6 Dave Matthews Band concerts! I'm getting out of here! [opens the cellar door and a monster from off screen roars at Johnny potentially to make him scream and forcing him to go back up]

Drac:
[to Johnny] Shut up, already. It's impossible for me to think with all your noise. [opens the cellar door] Sorry, Glen! Go back to sleep! [closes in and Glen roars down the bottom in reply]

[Drac, in bat form, is carrying Johnny and heads out the window]

Johnny:
If I put my hand in the Invisible Man's mouth, would it disappear?

Mavis:
[suddenly appears] Hi!

Drac:
[surprised] Mavey! Wh-what are you doing, my sweet little blood orange? Our friend was just leaving.

Johnny:
Yeah, he was flying me out the window.

Drac:
[nervously laughs, then takes Johnny back inside] This guy is so funny. [turns into human and moves Johnny away from the window] Oh, look there's something on your face. [to Johnny, in a soft tense tone] Play along if you ever want to see your precious backpack. [Mavis flies in through the window and turns back into her human form]

Johnny:
[amazed] Whoa. So, wait, you didn't have any clothes on when you were a bat or were they bat-sized?

Mavis:
[looking slightly freaked out] Who exactly is that?

Drac:
[whimpers while thinking of a lie, then...] Honey bat, you see... it's your birthday, and you know, I want you to have the bestest, specialest party of your life, so… well… I... needed some help.

Mavis:
You needed help?

Drac:
Well, look, I am pretty good, but I thought that it would be even more bestest, specialest if someone closer to your age helped plan the party.

Mavis:
[excited, to Johnny] You're my age?

Johnny:
Sure! Uh, well, how old are you?

Mavis:
118.

Johnny:
[hysterical] 100 and–!? [Drac elbows him] Ugh! [strained] Yeah, uh… I'm 121.

Mavis:
[excited] Really?

Johnny:
[nods] Mmm-hmmm.

Drac:
[to Mavis] You see? Everything is very, very normal. I'm throwing a party and he is helping.

Johnny:
So, can I ask you a question? Is that real, about the garlic thing?

Drac:
Yes, I cannot have it. My throat swells.

Johnny:
Huh. Wooden stake to the heart?

Drac:
Yeah, well, who wouldn't that kill?

[Drac and Johnny are in the catacombs, and Dracula sees another door]

Drac:
Oh, boy. I think this is it. [opens the door and it shows the Skeleton Wife having a shower]

Skeleton Wife:
[notices them] Ahhh! What happening?

Drac:
[gasps] I'm terribly sorry! Uh, my mistake!

Skeleton Husband:
[bursts in] What is wrong with you people?! [throws a loofah at Dracula and closes the door]

[Drac and Johnny are still walking in the catacombs trying to find a way out]

Johnny:
Oh, man, this place is amazing!

Drac:
Okay, I could really use some silence right now.

Frankenstein's Monster:
Drac.

Drac:
Yes, Frankie?

Frankenstein:
Hey, buddy, what you been doing?

Drac:
[to Johnny] Don't move. [to Frankenstein] Never mind that. What you been doing?

Wayne:
We wanted to practice our big number for Mavis' party, and then these losers wouldn't get off the bandstand.

Drac:
Okay. Put down Zombie Mozart, Bach and Beethoven this instant. [Frank and Wayne throw them] Did you get to rehearse at all, Zombie Beethoven?

Zombie Beethoven:
Eh eh eh eh.

Wayne:
Listen, Drac, we wanted to play something, like old times. We even thought maybe you'd sing with us.

Drac:
Come on, fellas. You know that I haven't sung in public since Martha…

Frankenstein:
Yeah, but we just thought how much, you know, Mavis would love it.

Drac:
I said, no! [roars with his monster face] Don't ask me again! Okay. Now, let's hug the zombies. Let's all make up.

Wayne:
[to Frank] Wow, he really scared you.

Frank(ie):
I wasn't scared. I was being polite, okay?

[Frank spots Johnny and threateningly advances toward him, and Drac gets in his way]

Frankie:
[points at Johnny] Who is that?

Johnny:
[whispering to Drac] Are these monsters gonna kill me?

Drac:
[whispering to Johnny] Not as long as they think you're a monster.

Johnny:
Huh? That's kinda racist.

Drac:
We'll talk later.

[Johnny is imitating Frank]

Frank:
[to Drac about Johnny] Is… is he making fun of me?

Drac:
No, no! Of course not, because he's... [stops Johnny from imitating]

Mavis:
He's your cousin, Johnny-stein.

Drac:
[playing along] Yes, yes, yes!

Frank:
I don't have no cousin.

Drac:
No, no, you do. He's your 6th cousin, 3 times removed.

Johnny-stein:
[holds up his right arm] On your right arm's side.

Frank:
[to his right arm] You have a cousin?

Drac:
Frank, if your arm can talk, it would tell you that the original owner of your arm had a brother...

Johnny-stein:
...Who married a woman...

Drac:
...Who was... [makes killing gesture]

Johnny-stein:
...For strangling a pig.

Frank:
I have pig strangling blood in my arm!? That's kinda cool. [to Johnny] Well, Cuz, great to meetcha. [shakes Johnny's hand, but his whole body's shaken multiple times hitting the floor]

[Mavis giggles]

Griffin:
[approaches] So, what brings you here, Johnny?

Johnny:
[frightened] Ahh! What was that?! (Oh, you're the Invisible Man, right?)

Griffin:
Oh, sorry. I should really clear my throat before I speak. (And yes, I am, but... call me "Griffin".) Anyway, what brings you here?

Johnny:
[nervous] Oh, uh... Party Planner?

Drac:
[playing along] Yes! I've recruited Mister, uh... Stein here to help me with Mavis' birthday party.

Murray:
Wait a minute. You asked someone to help you?

Wayne:
Captain Control Freak?

Drac:
It's "Count"… and yes, I thought having a Mavis contemporary would be useful.

Johnny:
Yeah, he totally needed a fresher perspective. [Dracula glares at him]

Wayne:
Okay, Johnny. Mr. Tight Coffin over here was planning to have these powdered lame-o's play at the party.

[Zombies sigh]

Frank:
So, anyways, we thought we could liven things up a bit.

Johnny:
Whoa! You all play? Let's check you guys out!

[Murray and Frank are singing]

Frank:
[singing] Girl, I can't believe it's your big night

[Griffin is playing the drums]

Murray:
[singing] Seems like only yesterday, you were eating mosquitos

All:
[singing] But now your eating frogs and mice

Frank:
[singing] Scarfing them down like Doritos

All:
[singing] Tell me, where did the time go, girl?

Johnny:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, guys. Stop. That's cute, but kinda old school.

Drac:
Yes, thank you, Johnny.

Johnny: You got to totally tempo things up. Here let me show you. Werewolf man, give me a jam! [Wayne gives him a "jam".] 2, 3, 4! [singing] Vampire girl with the fangy fangs Hair real cute with the bangy bangs Little princess gonna be a queen Legal bat lady turning 118, say 118!

Audience:
118!

Johnny:
Yeah! Stage dive! [stage dives to the floor] Awesome!

Mavis:
I'm so blown away right now!

Frank:
I think my cuz is gonna make this the best party ever!

Murray:
Yeah! Maybe he can find a way to get me some chicks.

Audience:
We should do a dance contest.

Drac:
We're not doing any of that! We've got to stay on schedule, alright?

Mavis:
[to her dad] Alright, Dad! Alright. Johnny, you're coming, too?

Johnny:
I don't know. Is it cool with Dracula?

All:
Johnny, come with us.

Skeleton:
N-27.

Old Gremlin:
N-27.

Skeleton:
G-61.

Old Gremlin:
G-61.

[Drac just forced Johnny to leave and then he disappears]

Johnny:
I can't believe I'm leaving, man. I could've been so great! Dude, you ruined everything! Suck my blood? Should've said, "I'm staying, old man!" Give him a Bruce Lee kick. Boom! Right in the f-- [a bat appears and he wails] AH! Oh, my God! Count Dracula, please, don't kill me! I'm leaving, I'm leaving! [looks up and the bat turned out to be Mavis, who is now in human form] Oh.

Mavis:
[softly] Follow me.

Johnny:
Oh... No, no. Mavis, I can't. I have to leave.

Mavis:
You sure? It'll be fun.

Johnny:
[quickly] Okay.

Drac:
[to Johnny] Face the wall. [to the tables] 17 to 48, 16 to 47, 19 to 50.

Johnny:
Awesomeness.

[Drac and his friends are relaxing in the sauna talking to each other]

Wayne:
When's that Johnny kid gonna be done party planning? He's a great hang.

Frank:
Yeah, he's an animal, and it was so nice seeing Mavis laughing and hitting it off with him.

Drac:
[in denial] Who's hitting what off? Please! Mavis could never be with... someone of his kind.

Frank:
I'm sorry. "His kind"? Are you saying our kind's not good enough for you, "your lordship"?

Drac:
No, no, no! Frank, I didn't... I meant that she wouldn't be into someone with... uh... such, red, curly hair.

Griffin:
[insulted] Uh... What's wrong with red, curly hair?

Drac:
Why are you getting upset?

Griffin:
[angrily] I have red, curly hair!

Drac:
Well, how was I supposed to know that?! [in a later scene; nervous] Look, settle down, fellas. This is all a moot point, because Johnny... He left.

Murray:
[surprised] Wait a minute, he left?

Drac:
Yes! He decided he didn't like Mavis, or any of us.

Johnny:
[falls through the roof after having a romantic scene with Mavis, and lands on Drac's lap; Drac is scared at first, then gives him an angry glare; smiles nervously] Hi…

Frank:
Hmm. I guess Johnny had second thoughts.

[Wayne, Wanda, and the werewolf kids are asleep in their room. Wanda is sleeping soundly, while Wayne is just lying there with bloodshot eyes. He is surrounded by his children, who prevent him from getting proper rest by sleeping on top of him. Wayne starts to close his eyes slowly. Suddenly, the skull phone on the nightstand starts screaming, acting as an alarm. Wayne's bloodshot eyes open instantly. The werewolf kids howl and fall off of Wayne as he sits up to answer the phone]

Wayne:
I didn't order a wake-up call.

Woman on the phone:
Count Dracula arranged it for all the rooms.

Wayne:
[hangs up and drowsily lays to his side, but the phone starts screaming once again; as he keeps lifting and putting the phone on and off the hook] Where's the snooze button?!

Skull phone:
There will be no snoozing. The party is today. [continues screaming]

[Wayne clenches his ears.]

Johnny:
[to Mavis, who's approaching him closely so she could kiss him] Um, Mavis, I'm crazily scared right now.

Mavis:
[lovingly] Maybe that's a good thing. [kisses him]

[A suit of armor alerts Drac to Mavis kissing Johnny, and he is enraged; then quickly separates them]

Drac:
[whispering to Johnny] How could you, after I shared my pain with you!?

Johnny:
[frightened] But-- No--

Mavis:
Dad, it was just a kiss.

Drac:
No, you're not allowed to kiss!

Mavis:
Dad, I'm allowed to do things. I'm not 83 anymore. I'm allowed to like people or go see the world again.

Drac:
What?! You saw it! You-you said you didn't like it!

Mavis:
Maybe I want to give the village another chance. I need to learn, you know, how to roll with it like Johnny does.

Dracu:
No, no, you can't go to the village again!

Mavis:
Maybe you can make them see that we can be friends.

Drac:
No, that isn't possible!

Mavis:
Well, you can't be sure. It's all in how you present yourself!

Drac:
No, that won't make a difference!

Mavis:
How do you know?!

Drac:
Because it just won't!

Mavis:
Why?! Why won't it?!

Drac:
BECAUSE THAT VILLAGE DOESN'T REALLY EXIST! (OKAY?!) [the music stops, and Mavis and the other monsters are now in a state of shock; a string on Frank's guitar breaks]

Mavis:
What do you mean... it doesn't exist?

Frank:
[he and the others approach Drac] What did you do?

Drac:
I– [defiantly] I did what I had to do.

Mavis:
[demanding] What was it? What exactly did you have to do?! Tell me!

Drac:
I… I built the town, the staff put it all together, the... the zombies dressed up as the townspeople.

Zombies:
[grunting] Uh-oh. [Mavis heart-brokenly wanders]

Drac:
[follows her] Please, i-if you really went out there and something happened to you, I... I just couldn't live with myself!

Mavis:
But you could live with this - lying to me, tricking me, keeping me here forever when you knew my dream was to go?

[Drac opens his mouth to say something, but a muffled noise is heard]

Quasi:
[enters the ballroom] Liar, liar!

[Drac make an "Uh-oh" face and Johnny sneaks out]

Murray:
Oil?

Quasi:
Uh-uh-uh! [muffled speech... translation - "Dracula has brought a human into the hotel!"]

Eunice:
English please. Your voice is really annoying.

Fly:
Wait, I speak frozen. He says Dracula has brought a human into the hotel.

[The crowd gasps]

Gremlin Wife:
A human?

Gremlin Husband:
[hugs her] Stay close, Pookie.

[Quasi has another muffled speech; translation - "There is ze human!"]

Fly:
He says "There is ze human!". He has a French accent.

[Johnny starts to walk out the doors, but they shut and he sees Esmeralda growling like a dog in front of him. Johnny, Dracula and the monsters gasp.]

Frank:
Johnny's not a human, he's my right arm's cousin. [glares at Quasi] He's lying!

Griffin:
Yeah, and why is he picking his nose?

[Quasi has another muffled speech; translation - "A long story."]

Fly:
He says it's a long story.

Johnny:
[to Esmeralda, who's running amok in his face and hair] Hey! Wait! No! Get off me! Ah! Ew! [Esmeralda squeaks, as she wipes away Johnny's make-up, completely blowing his cover.] (Oh, boy…)

[Quasimodo has another muffled speech; translation - "Behold ze human!"]

Fly:
He says "Behold ze human!".

[The entire crowd screams and runs in panic]

Frank:
[horrified] I don't believe it.

[Among the panicking monsters, Mavis walks closer to Johnny, as he gives a worried and regretful expression]

Mavis:
Is it true? Are you a human?

Johnny:
[guilty] Yes… I'm so sorry…

Mavis:
[hugs him lovingly] I don't care! I still want to be with you.

Jonathan:
(Really?) [sighs in relief and wants to hug her back until he sees Drac looking really worried, and he remembers what he told him earlier] Uh... Well, tough! 'Cause I don't want to be with you, because... you're a monster! [Mavis gasps] And I hate monsters! [heads to the door] Goodbye! [as he leaves, he scares Murray by trying to give him a Bruce Lee kick]

Murray:
Please, don't hurt me!

[Johnny gives Mavis one last stare of hatred and heartbreak and heads out the door. Drac tries to comfort the heartbroken Mavis, but she angrily wheels around and faces him.]

Mavis:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! [turns into a bat and flees the room, leaving Drac to feel bad about her]

[The other monsters, also angry with Drac for his lies, leave the room as well.]

Monster 1:
We're getting outta here!

Monster 2:
I am never coming back here!

Monster 3:
"Human-free"!? What a rip!

Monster 4:
I thought I smelt a human.

Monster 5:
Oh, yeah, ice machine? Also broken!

Martha: [voice-over] Two lonely bats crashed in the night… They felt a Zing, love at first sight. They knew right then, they would be husband and wife. For a Zing only happens once in your life. Your Zing will come, my love… Cherish it. Love, Mommy.

Mavis:
[still heartbroken and in tears after Johnny left] I thought we zinged, Dad.

Drac:
[surprised] You and Johnny?

Mavis:
I guess it was only me, but you should be happy, Dad. There's no reason for me to leave. I have no more dreams. I'm just like you now.

Drac:
I think... they zinged.

Wayne and Wanda:
They zinged!?

Drac:
But I got in the way.

Frank:
You only zing once in your life. [begins to cry]

Eunice:
Oy. Now, you're short-circuiting.

Frank:
[sobbing] I don't care!

[Wayne has just summoned the werewolf kids to come to the monkeys at the car and help them track down Jonathan. The pups swarm the area on a rampage, Wayne tries to control them]

Wayne:
Sit! [holds up Johnny's shirt] Smell. I said, smell. [2 pups smell his butt] Not me, the shirt! The shirt!

Drac:
Do any of your kids still respect you?

Wayne:
Mm. Give me a second. Oh, yeah. Winnie, front and center!

[The werewolf kids are roughhousing with each other and stop abruptly to let Winnie pass through. Once she goes, they go back to their fight. Winnie spits out her pacifier and then deeply takes a whiff of Johnny's shirt]

Winnie:
[sniffing] He got into a car - an '86 Fiat. It needs a little transmission work, but otherwise, okay. It drove through town to the airport, flight 497… 8:00 a.m. departure.

Drac:
That's in 15 minutes!

Winnie:
[sniffing] Seat 23A. He ordered the vegetarian meal.

Drac:
Okay. Thank you, cutie. (We'll take it from here, alright?) [to all the other wolf pups] Now, all of you, go back to your mother!

[Drac and his friends are driving to the human world to get Johnny back, but they soon run into a lone sheep blocking the road]

Drac:
Sheep!

Griffin:
[quickly twists the wheel in panic and the car runs off the road, crashing down the hill until it reaches a small mountain freeway] Whoo! High-5! Don't leave me hangin'.

All:
[sees a flock of more sheep up ahead, freaking out] Aah! [Griffin stops the car]

Drac:
Lots of sheep!

Wayne:
I got this one! [gets out of the car, devours the whole flock of sheep in 2 seconds, then comes back in the car, belching a tuft of wool out; The others, looking horrified at the sight, give Wayne a disgusted glare] What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go!

Murray:
[bitter] That was pretty sick, man.

Wayne:
You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing! We don't have time for this! Come on, let's move it! [they all drive off]

[Griffin has stopped the car and the gang are noticing the monster festival going on in the town]

Frank:
They like us, really?

[Griffin rolls the window down so they can talk to one of the spectators]

Drac:
[to a nerd dressed like him] Excuse me. Do you know the best way to the airport?

Fake Dracula Nerd:
Yes, fellow Dracula, there is only one way. Bleh, bleh-bleh. [points straight ahead to the road the crowd is on]

Drac:
But it's all blocked! We'll never make it in time!

Fake Dracula Nerd:
You should have left an hour earlier. Bleh, bleh-bleh.

Drac:
[stick his head out of the window] I do not say "bleh, bleh-bleh"!

Drac:
[still annoyed by what the Dracula Nerd said] "Bleh, bleh-bleh!"

Frank:
Imagine if that guy was talking to the real Drac(ula), he'd run for the hills!

Murray:
[realizes to their advantage] Hold it now. Hold it now! That sounds spot-on! Well, the only way they'd know the real us is if we show the real us!

Drac:
This could work.

Frank:
You mean scare 'em? We haven't scared people in centuries. I don't even think I have it in me anymore! [practices roaring but ends up weakening his voice] I got nothing, I really got nothing.

Griffin:
Let's just move this along. [ignites a match and sets it between Frank's eyes]

Frank:
[begins to roar monstrously and after climbing to the shoulders of his inflated balloon statue, gives a deafening roar across the town that causes the whole watching crowd to cover their ears] I'm trying to scare you! The real Frankenstein!

Drac:
Jonathan! Jonathan, can you hear me?! [sees a Twilight movie on the plane]

Edward:
Tell me, do you dream of being a vampire?

Drac:
This is how we're represented. Unbelievable. Jonathan! Jonathan, can you hear me?!

Johnny:
[notices] Whoa, bat! Wait, it's talking. Dracula, is that you?

Drac:
[mouthing from the other side] I am sorry!

Johnny:
Huh? Dracula… [on Drac's side] I can't understand you!

Drac:
What, "my hand's in a tan shoe"?

Johnny:
[on his side] What, "Japan's eating lamb stew"? [Drac slumps his shoulders and makes an irritated look. This isn't working.] Hey, do you know you're smoking? [Drac flies into the plane's windshield to make an announcement for Johnny]

Pilot:
What the heck? How'd a bat get up this high? Folks, I'm gonna turn on the seat belt sign just a precaution while we–[[Drac uses his magic powers to tell the pilot that he wants to take over his voice] While we hear a special announcement for my dear friend, Jonathan.

Johnny:
Dracula?

Pilot (Dracula):
My dear boy, I have made a terrible mistake. I was trying to keep my baby to myself, because I knew I would always protect her… but I realize now children need to discover things for themselves. They'll stumble and fall, laugh and cry, but such is life. The truth is... you and Mavis are meant to be. You zinged! If she must give her trust to someone else, I'm thankful that it is you, Jonathan. I hope you can hear me, and forgive me.

Plane Crowd:
[sees Dracula in bat form outside the window] AAAHHHHH! [Jonathan sees Dracula outside the window also, and gives him a smile and a thumbs up to show his acceptance of Dracula's apology; Drac smiles also]

Pilot (Drac):
Okay, folks, we're going to make a quick turnaround to... refuel, and then we will be back on our way. [the crowd groans angrily] Quit your whining! I'm burning up out here!

Drac:
You know, Mommy already gave you her birthday present. Can I now give you mine? [shows Mavis a black and pink backpack with the hotel's logo on it]

Mavis:
[confused] What do I need this for?

Drac:
Oh, it comes with an accessory. [turns the backpack and reveals a smiling Johnny]

Mavis:
[shocked] You?

Johnny:
[lovingly] You.

Mavis:
Why are you back?

Johnny:
'Cause you're my zing, Mavis.

Mavis:
[surprised] I'm your zing? But... you told me you hate monsters.

Jonathan:
Yeah, well, I was afraid your dad was going to suck all the blood out of my body if I didn't say that.

Drac:
[laughs nervously] I wouldn't have! I– [defeated] No, he's right, I would've done that.

Mavis:
Dad!

Johnny:
Can we try that kiss over again?

Mavis:
[giggles] I think we can.

[Mavis and Johnny lean to kiss but are interrupted by Dracula snarling with his monkey face and the 2 blankly stare at him]

Drac:
[looking embarrassed] Sorry! I– I just... I gotta get use to that. Now go. Do... do your thing. [hastily leaves as Mavis and Johnny make their best kiss]

Johnny: I thought I found a love But she was just a fling And then I met a girl And felt a different thing It's like you're hit in the ring Like you're pulled by a string Can't breathe like you're choking On a chicken wing It was a thing called a Zing And I wanted to sing And listen to the ballads Of the man named Sting Lady looks in your eyes And it suddenly spring Like when Nala looked at Simba In the Lion King

Murray: Zinging in the air And I don't have a care I'm winging from the zing That we shared

Mavis: Zinging in the rain Now I'm feeling no pain

Murray and Mavis:
It's a real time for celebrating

Mavis:
‍'‍Cause you're my Zing

Johnny:
Drac, ready to throw down?

Drac:
No, no. I just came closer to hear you better.

Johnny:
Oh, come on, just give it a try!

Drac: Alright, maybe just a little bit. [starts to rap] So listen all you zingers from here to Beijing You better grab a box of strings and get ready to cling cause if love was money, you'd better be yelling "cha - ching", 'Cause next to Zing, cupid's arrow's

Drac and Johnny:
A little bee sting!

Drac: It was a Zing and a Zang and a Zingidy-dee And there was only one lady In the Zing for me cause when you Zing

Johnny:
When you Zing

Drac:
You better know one little thing the only bling you're gonna sling

Johnny and Drac:
Is a wedding ring!

[Drac freezes his friends, Mavis and Johnny, The crowd cheers. Drac unfreezes the gang.]

Mavis and Murray:
Zinging in the air

Drac: [freezes his friends and Mavis again] Now I don't have a care I'm winging from the Zing That we shared Zinging in the rain Now I'm feeling no pain [unfroze his friends and Mavis again]

Mavis and Murray: It's a real time for celebrating 'Cause you're my Zing

Drac and Johnny: [rapping] Feel the Zing, y'all Ba-da bring, y'all Gonna knock you right outta that ring, y'all Better bring, y'all Happening, y'all Pay attention to the undead king, y'all HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO

All: HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO

Count Dracula:
[sees Johnny] A human.

Count Dracula:
I have never said that in my life, "bleh bleh bleh".

Mavis:
[rehearsing in front of her mirror] Dad, you said when I turn to 118, I could go out to the world like every adult who likes to come and go from this hotel. [imitates her father, Dracula] "But, Mavey-Wavey, it's not safe! Bleh, bleh-bleh!" [normal voice] Dad, 30 years ago, you promised. I remember, we were both eating mice and you specifically said that you gave me your word!

Mavis:
Thank you, dad. I know it's my birthday.

Mavis:
[while watching her first sunrise] This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen!

Mavis:
Dad, I'm allowed to do things. I'm not 83 anymore.

Mavis:
What do you mean... "doesn't exist"?

Mavis:
[demanding answers for her dad's lies] What was it? What exactly did you have to do?! Tell me!

Mavis:
[upon discovering that Johnny's really a human] Is it true? Are you a human? [Johnny: (guilty) Yeeeeessss. I'm so sorry.] [lovingly hugs him] I don't care! I still wanna be with you.

Mavis:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Mavis:
[heart broken about Johnny] You were right, Dad. The humans hate us.

Frankenstein:
[after seeing a human dressed up as a monster] That was... trippy.

Frankenstein:
[jumps off the diving board] GERONIMO!!

Frankenstein:
[about Johnny] I really liked Johnny… cousin or no. He told fun stories.

Frankenstein:
[having just given a deafening roar to a cheering crowd] I'M TRYING TO SCARE YOU! THE REAL FRANKENSTEIN!

Wayne:
Hey, kids! Reel it in! You're only supposed to make Mom and Dad miserable!

Murray:
Here comes the PARTY!

Griffin:
I stink at this.

[The werewolf pups barge into the hotel lobby and start roughhousing around]

Wayne:
[entering along with Wanda] Hey, kids, reel it in! You're only supposed to make Mom and Dad miserable.

Drac:
[as one of the werewolf pups snag on his cape] Now, now, is that any way to behave? This is a hotel, not a cemetery.

Werewolf Pup:
Sorry, Uncle Drac.

Wayne:
Drac! How are ya?

Drac:
[hugs him, happily] Wayne, my old friend!

Wayne:
Couldn't wait for this weekend. Always great to be out of the shadows for a couple days.

Drac:
The family looks beautiful. Let me just clean up their filth. Housekeeping!

Count Dracula:
Enough. Enough! Stop! Go to corner, you're gonna time-out! (Please!) [Johnny: Time-out?! I'm a grown-man! Aaaah!!]

Count Dracula:
Martha, what have I done?

Count Dracula:
Quit your whining! I'm burning up out here.

Wayne:
Couldn't wait for this weekend. Always good to be out of the shadows for a couple days.

Wayne:
[after pranking Griffin by pulling down his swim trunks] Kids, why'd you do that?

Wayne:
I didn't order a wake-up call.

Wayne:
Where's the snooze button?!

Wayne:
You want me to track the smell? No, no. My sniffing tracking days are way behind me. Do you know how many diapers I've changed? How many number twos have destroyed this thing?

Murray:
I was not the cause of that.

Murray:
[about Johnny] He touched my guitar!

Griffin:
Guilty. You're irresistible.

Griffin:
I was just in the pool. The water's cold. Don't judge me!

Griffin:
I have red curly hair!

Griffin:
[about Johnny] He put his hand in mouth to see it would disappear.

Elderly Gremlin:
[repeated line after eating something] I didn't do that.

Elderly Gremlin:
[about Johnny] He let me eat his scooter!

[After Jonathan's pool party fiasco, Dracula drags him out to a local cemetery to kick him out]

Drac:
Oh, you messed up, baby. You messed up big-time. I told you to take it down. You’ll ruin my hotel if they find out.

Johnny:
Well, maybe you’re just jealous that people are finally having fun at this place.

Drac:
Oh, that? That was not fun. Everyone running, jumping, swimming with no order. That was the opposite of fun.

Johnny:
Do you even know what fun is?

Drac:
I invented fun!

Johnny:
[quietly] Boy, the wrong people get to be immortal.

Drac:
[hearing what Johnny had said, is briefly insulted, but he proceeds to hypnotise him] Look at me. [At that moment, his eyebrows raise and his eyes turn red] You remember nothing of this encounter. You have no memory of this place or the monsters you met. Now go and never return.

Johnny:
Wait, never return to the hotel?

Drac:
[confused] What? You were supposed to forget the hotel. I just used my powers to erase your memory. I looked straight into your eyes.

Johnny:
Huh. Oh, maybe it’s the contact lenses.

Drac:
The what?

Johnny:
These little plasticky doodads that help me see better. Here, let me just try and get them out real quick.

Drac:
[shocked and disgusted] Oh, that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!

Johnny:
Almost got it.

Drac:
Stop doing that. Please stop doing that! Fingers away from the eyeballs! Enough! [back to the leave business] Listen to me. You are never to return here. You are to stay away and never tell humans about this place. Or I will track you down and suck every ounce of blood from your body until you look like a deflated whoopee cushion! [Johnny looks shocked at Drac who looks at him with a serious face] Be gone. [At that moment, Johnny walks out angrily, then Drac turns into a bat and flies away, knowing his job is finished]

Johnny:
[quietly] Can’t believe I’m leaving, man. That could have been so great! Dude ruined everything. Suck my blood. I should have just said, "I’m staying, old man!" Give him a Bruce Lee kick. Boom! Right in the… [he does a fighting stance and kicks high in the air, but he sees a bat, thinking it's Drac, he cowls into a ball] Oh, my God. Count Dracula. Please don’t kill me. I’m leaving, I’m leaving. [the bat is revealed to be Mavis, Johnny realises his mistake and stands back up]

Mavis:
Follow me.

Johnny:
Oh. No, no, Mavis, I can’t. I have to leave.

Mavis:
You sure? It’ll be fun.

Johnny:
Okay. [he follows Mavis into a cave opening shaped like a mouth]