House on Haunted Hill

Watson Pritchett:
I lied. The house is alive. We're all gonna die.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Get off me, you pervert!

Steven H. Price:
Congratulations. I don't think Evelyn's said that to anything with testicles, ever.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Very funny, Stephen. Have you?

Channel 3 Reporter:
So Mr. Price, business or pleasure?

Steven H. Price:
Neither. My wife.

Eddie Baker:
Oh, so then we'll just stay here 'til morning.

Watson Pritchett:
I'm sure we'll be mutilated beyond recognition by then.

Steven H. Price:
Let's go down and greet your guests. Show them the real you: corny as Kansas on the fourth of July.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
I gave you a goddamn guest list two pages long. Where the hell are they?

Steven H. Price:
Shredded. Sorry. Decided to whip up one of my own - a group so hungry for money they'd do anything. I thought you'd be more comfortable with your peers.

Eddie Baker:
Me and you all three. Woowho, lets boogie.

Eddie Baker:
What good is a million dollars when you're dead?

Sara Wolfe:
I am so f***ing far from alright, that its not even funny! Someone or something just tried to drown me in a tank of blood the size of a Buick!

Watson Pritchett:
That, what just happened to you there, that was nothing. You've just been playing with the ghosts. Wait til somebody lets out the real darkness in this place, thats... thats a whole new bunch of crazy sh*t! You'll hate that sh*t!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Guess old Melissa found what she was looking for.

Sara Wolfe:
I'm trying to figure out who or what Melissa was taping when she disappeared.

Eddie Baker:
Right, then where will we be?

Watson Pritchett:
Out of Scotch, thanks to you, Ass!

Steven H. Price:
Congratulations. On a scale of one to ten on the perversity meter you just hit a seventy three"

Steven H. Price:
Sure is a funky old house, ain't it?

Watson Pritchett:
Sorry to interrupt. God dammit, you give me my god damn check right now! 'Cuz I want it! So you give it! Now! I'm serious.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Oh, Steven, you poor, clueless old geek. No matter how it ended, just know one thing: ever since I first laid eyes on you, I have always loved... your money.

Eddie Baker:
That's a good way to get your head blown off, man!

Steven H. Price:
I'll recommend it to Evelyn.

Watson Pritchett:
The house doesn't care what's fair, who lives or dies. Know why? Cause it's a f***ing *house*!

Eddie Baker:
What's this got to do with me? I'm adopted!

Melissa:
Now, that's enter-f***ing-tainment!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Congratu-f***ing-lations!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Stephen, if you really love me, you'll find a way to drop dead in the next second.

Steven H. Price:
Oh but baby, finding ways for me to die is really your thing. Let's not forget the O.J. knife with the not so retractable blade, the Jim Jones kool-aide which was exactly that.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Accidents, all accidents until proven otherwise.

Steven H. Price:
Come on honey, let's go down and meet your guests.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
You go ahead darling, I'm just going to run boiling hot water over the places you just touched me.

Watson Pritchett:
Jesus, she's dead. She was cute too. God, I'd love to get laid before I die.

Watson Pritchett:
How you doin' tonight?

Watson Pritchett:
Yeah, I'm alright.

Eddie Baker:
[to Price.] Look at this! Huh? What is this?

Watson Pritchett:
[turns around] That? What just happened to you there... that's nothing. You've just been playing around with a ghost. Wait til somebody lets out the Darkness in this place. That's a whole... that's a whole new bunch of crazy sh*t. That's... you'll hate that sh*t.

[Hearing Melissa's screams from another part of the house]

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Guess old Melissa found what she was looking for.

[After Evelyn caught Price when he attempts to leave]

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
And where are you off to, Mr. Price? Checking the wiring on the animatronic mummies?

Steven H. Price:
I'm just gonna go take a leak, if it's okay with you.

[Steven Price surprises Eddie, Sara, and Pritchett. Eddie almost shoots Price with his gun]

Eddie Baker:
That's a good way to get your head blown off, man!

Steven H. Price:
I'll recommend it to Evelyn.

Eddie Baker:
That was the most fun I've had all day.

Sara Wolfe:
You need to get out more.

Sara Wolfe:
Is this house really haunted?

Watson Pritchett:
[near hysterical] It's uh, well, bleh... hah... yeah, it's pretty scary.

[Prichett appears behind Sarah and Eddie after they find a dead body]

Eddie Baker:
Holy sh*t!

Watson Pritchett:
Booga booga.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Who invited them?

Steven H. Price:
I don't know, it wasn't me and you say it wasn't you, who then, Evelyn? Ghosts?

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Ooh, spooky.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
You ever find out what happened to that little TV reporter?

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
No. They never found her

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
So we don't even know if the little b*tch is dead or alive?

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
But I think Price must have killed her. There's no other explanation.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
There's plenty, you moron. For all we know, Steven's got her spying on us right now.

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
Oh, bullshit.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Oh, God. This whole f***ing thing's falling apart.

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
It's not baby, it's not. Somebody's gonna pull the trigger

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
But nobody has yet, Donald. There not at the breaking point. The bozos have to believe that their lives are in danger

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
They have your death at his hands. How much more do they need?

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
But they didn't see it happen. They still have their doubts their confused. What we need is another body. Steven's bloody hands right next to him.

Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.:
Well how the hell are we gonna do that?

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
[laughs] This may sound a little crazy but hear me out.

[Evelyn brutally stabs Donald]

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Oh Steven you poor clueless old geek, all it would have taken was a simple divorce and ripping our prenup into tiny itsy bitsy little pieces, but no matter how it ended please just know one thing, from the first moment I laid eyes on you I have always, always loved... your money. On the other hand just the sight of you has made me want to puke.

[Steven wakes up and grabs Evelyn by the throat.]

Steven H. Price:
Is that a fact princess? I mean you could have saved us all a great deal of time not to mention money if you'd have just let me in on it years ago.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
How?

Steven H. Price:
You must be kidding me, I'm Steven goddamn Price.

[Steven chokes her.]

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
[trying to talk] Sweetie?

Steven H. Price:
Anything angel just speak it.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
What are you going to do?

Steven H. Price:
Just what you wanted everyone here to believe in the first place, I'm gonna murder you, Evelyn, with the greatest of pleasure.

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Witnesses.

Steven H. Price:
[grabbing her by her hair and pulling her up off the floor] You're already dead, Evelyn.

[Steven kisses her.]

Steven H. Price:
Happy birthday baby!

[Steven throws her to a decayed door.]

Eddie Baker:
[Eddie and Sara are atop a tall tower] That was one kickass party!

Sara Wolfe:
Okay but one more thing, How do we get down from here?

[Eddie and Sara laugh at their amusing predicament.]

Steven H. Price:
Ever see one that starts at the top? 20 stories worth of top.

Watson Pritchett:
[to Eddie] Price didn't make the list, the house did... Cause she's a vengeful stupid whore! [kicks the machinery]

Watson Pritchett:
[walks slowly up to Sarah] You don't... get it... do you? This house is pissed. It has no morals, cuz it's a f***ing house!

Peter Graves:
Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt. He out-butchered Bundy, made Manson look meek.

Evelyn:
You got that right! (To Steven) Take a bow, you sick f***! You've out done yourself tonight. You've scared the sh*t out of even me.

Donald W. Blackburn M.D.:
So, either we spend the night and collect our money, or we try and find a way out of here.

Steven Price':
Either way, I think we should all stick together. (To Evelyn) But maybe that's not gonna fill in with your plans, baby!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
(Smiles) You know me, the more the merrier. I guess somebody better find this game show hostess.

Steven Price':
Where is she?

Sara Wolfe:
Hey, I think I got something!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Bravo! Bravo! I know it's not too kind to ask the magician how he did it. Clever minds are too desperate to know. Just what did happen to little Miss Marr?

Steven Price:
If you think that's gonna do the trick? Do you, Tulip! I will never give you a loaded gun!

Evelyn Stockard-Price:
Friends, your hostess is now going to retire for what's left of the night. If you need me, I'll be upstairs in my bedroom. Not if much as anyone as peeps in the keyhole, I'm gonna empty this thing into their f***ing head!

Steven Price:
Oh, come on! I loaded them with blanks. Even if I were gonna... murder my wife, I would rather do it in a abandoned house.

Eddie Baker:
(Eddie remembered what Sara had mentioned) Here! Take this!

Watson Pritchett:
And I better find me something to drink.