How to Beat the High Co$t of Living

Elaine:
I know how to get the money out of the money ball!

Louise:
How?

Elaine:
Suck!

Louise:
Oh, I don't know, there's got to be some way we can make money.

Elaine:
We can make porno films and all wear ski masks.

Jane:
No, Robert and I got bombed out one night. We put a little "I love you" tattoo on my ankle.

Elaine:
[to Jane] Ok, we'll wear masks, you wear socks.

Louise:
Come on, let's get out of here.

Elaine:
What do you think about a doggy bag for the butter?

Jane:
I don't believe it! Mom threw you out and moved a friend in? When?

Max:
This afternoon? [tapping his watch] thirteen hundred and twenty hours.

Jane:
What's his name?

Max:
His name? His name is Shirley. Shirley Levine. That's right! Your mother, age 64 has joined The Sun City Gay Liberation Movement.

Jane:
But that's impossible. All I ever remember Mom telling me was how much she loved you, and that she would never look another man. Of course she never did mention another woman.

Albert:
Louise, I swear to you there is no money. If you only knew what was going on in that hospital. It's not only the IRS, I'm in deep financial trouble, and I need you to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me, to reassure me that everything isn't as hopeless as it looks.

Louise:
The only thing that is hopeless, Albert is that you're horny 24 hours a day.

Patty:
What do you want?

Elaine:
I want you to get this lousy bank to lend me some money, or at least extend my MasterCharge limit. Oh, Patty, You've got to help me! I'm broke, flat busted broke. The house and car payments are due on Monday, I need money.

Patty:
You know how banks operate. They only lend money to people who don't need it.

Jane:
I know we've only got two days to go, but I don't know why you guys are so mad at me. You know I can't afford a baby-sitter, and Max is at a "Senior Citizens For Reagan" meeting tonight.

Elaine:
Jesus, Jane. This is a royal pain in the ass. I mean, tonight's important. We're psychologically testing ourselves by robbing Wheeler's and you bring your kids along. Can't you leave them home just once?

Jane:
Are you serious? The last time that I left those two alone Billy took nude pictures of Laurie with his Polaroid and sent them into Playboy Magazine. It's dangerous!

Elaine:
Oh, I see. You bring them along on a robbery where they'll be safe!

Elaine:
This is an emergency!

Power and Light man:
It always is.

Elaine:
[Lying] No, I am serious. My mother is a very sick woman. She's in the bed next to me with her kidney machine, which has kept her alive for seven years. This wonderful 84-year-old woman!

Elaine:
[pretending to talk to "mama"] What's that mama? The machine isn't going "ta-pocketa ta-pocketa ta-pocketa" anymore? Oh my God! No, I'm not talking to Oral Roberts on the phone mama, it's too late for that. But the man on the other end of the phone cares. You do care, don't you? You will turn the power back on, won't you?

Power and Light man:
Lady, that was beautiful, really terrific. I've been here seven years, and that's the best I've heard yet. Great performance. But look, all is not lost. Thrifti-Mart is open 24 hours.

Elaine:
What good will that do?

Power and Light man:
They sell beautiful candles! [hangs up the phone and laughs hysterically]

Albert:
[quoting Abraham Lincoln] You know what he said, "With malice toward none and charity to all."

Louise:
And the last thing he said was "Look honey, I've got these two great seats for the theater tonight."

Albert:
Jesus, why did I have to bring up Lincoln?

Elaine:
[Louise has just jumped in the water to get the bag of money] I thought you said you couldn't swim!

Louise:
[flailing her arms] I can't!

Elaine:
[groans] Ok, You'll go get the money bag and I'll save the genius.

Jane:
You know, we could split up the money right now...

Elaine:
SWIM! NOW!