Hägar the Horrible

[last lines]

Narrator:
The age of the Vikings is said to have ended with the conquest of England in 1066.

H?gar:
[popping out the book] Don't you believe it.

Narrator:
The most famous Viking of all was Leif Erikson.

H?gar:
Huh?

Narrator:
Okay, okay! Hagar the Horrible. [Hagar smiles] And this is the story of Hagar as he returns home to his wife, Helga, and his two children, Honi and Hamlet.

H?gar:
[Helga is cleaning and humming as Hagar comes home; she soon wipes one of the horns on his helmet, but Hagar shoves her away] Helga! Will you stop cleaning and listen to me? I thought the problem was the Viking Academy and Olaf, but they're as good as ever. The problem is the kids, and how *you've* been bringing them up!

Helga:
Look, if you think you can do better, oh great wise one, be my guest.

H?gar:
All right, watch this.

[calls Honi and Hamlet]

H?gar:
Honi! Hamlet!

Honi:
Yeah, Dad?

Hamlet:
Whatcha want?

H?gar:
Look: you kids mean the world to me, but your mother's been letting you get away with murder. Well, it won't be that way now that *I'm* home. Honi, I forbid you to marry any man who can't meet Viking standards, so forget your engagement to that weird guy, Lute.

Honi:
Huh?

H?gar:
Hamlet, I forbid you to read any more books until you improve your Viking skills and the Viking Academy agrees to take you back.

Hamlet:
What?

H?gar:
We'll start working at it first thing tomorrow. Well, that's all.

Hamlet:
Gee!

Honi:
Aww!

[they both leave, guilt-stricken]

H?gar:
So, whaddya think?

Helga:
I wouldn't get my hopes up for Father's Day.

H?gar:
Helga, what's going on here? I come home after a short two-year business trip, and what do I find? My son's reading books, and my daughter's engaged to a guy from the wrong side of the fjord, instead of Olaf, the man of my dreams. How could you let this happen? Are you trying to ruin the lack of civilization as we know it?

Lucky Eddie:
Well, I've never had a really high opinion of the Viking Academy myself. They threw me out after my first day, and I've gone on to become a pretty famous Viking. I'll bet they're sorry they ever threw me outta here.

H?gar:
I can't believe it! A son of mine flunking out of Viking Academy! At least I'm in a good angry mood to give Olaf a piece of my mind for dumpin' Honi!

H?gar:
Men, we need a Viking helmet that covers the ears. Somebody get right on it!

H?gar:
[searching the darkened house for who wants to date Honi] Hello? [he comes down the stairs] Where's the happy couple?

H?gar:
Well, I'm finding Honi a proper husband, and Hamlet showed real promise on the practice fields. In just one day, I think I have been able to undo *much* of the damage.

Helga:
Sounds like it.

H?gar:
What's happened to my family?

Lucky Eddie:
Well, Hamlet flunked outta Viking Academy, and Honi dumped her fiance for a musician. Boy, where've you been all day?

H?gar:
Helga's really made a mess of things. It's up to me to straighten everything out as usual.

Hamlet:
So you think it's wrong of me not to be glad Dad's home after he's ruined our lives?

Honi:
You mean wrong of us.

Hamlet:
[patting his books] I can't help it, I love books.

Honi:
And I love Lute, but I love Dad, too.

Hamlet:
Boy, I bet if we didn't love anything, we wouldn't be having these problems.

Honi:
Maybe there's a way to make *everybody* happy.

Hamlet:
Gee, that sounds good.

Honi:
I'll train Lute to be what Dad wants.

Hamlet:
If you could make a Viking out of Lute, I guess I could make a Viking out of me!

Hamlet:
[as Hagar enters his room] Is it time for practice?

H?gar:
Uh, no.

[he brings out a book from under Hamlet's sheets that he was reading earlier]

H?gar:
What's this doing under here?

Hamlet:
It was cold.

H?gar:
[after he and the crowd of potential male suitors for Honi laugh at Lute for using a napkin after eating] That's not how you pick a Viking husband.

Honi:
Oh no? Well, how should a husband be chosen?

H?gar:
I'll show ya. [turning to the crowd] All right, who wants to date my daughter?

Helga:
Did you talk to Hamlet?

H?gar:
Uh-huh.

Helga:
You feel better, right?

H?gar:
Well, we really done it.

Helga:
Done what?

H?gar:
Opened the floodgates, that's what. Pretty soon, there won't be any standards at all. Girls will be trying to marry guys with brain instead of brawn. Kids all over the world will be reading books and doing homework. Can you imagine what kind of society we'll have then? It all started here, and it's on our heads, Helga! Are you asleep yet?

Helga:
No, but after that speech of yours, I'm as surprised as you are.

H?gar:
Good. Could you finish reading this story to me? I can't wait to hear how it comes out.

Helga:
[kisses Hagar, then reads] The tortoise crawled along so slowly, that before long, the hare was far, far ahead of him. "He'll never catch me," though the hare. "I think I'll take a little nap."