Idiocracy

Joe Bauers:
I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.

Joe Bauers:
They're watering crops with a sports drink?

Joe Bauers:
You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.

Joe Bauers:
Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Joe Bauers:
People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

Rita:
Man! Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be puttin me in no damn coffin with tubes and shiyt!!

Rita:
You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb.

Rita:
That's good, cause I charge by the hour.

Frito Pendejo:
I like money.

Frito Pendejo:
Go away! 'Batin'!

Frito Pendejo:
I like havin' sex with chicks.

Frito Pendejo:
There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.

Frito Pendejo:
If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!"

Frito Pendejo:
What's the minus of 30 and 20?

President Camacho:
So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!

President Camacho:
Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out.

President Camacho:
Sh*t. I know sh*t's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

President Camacho:
Come on scro', don't be a p*ssy! Besides, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon.

Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW:
Now, since you all say you ain't got no money, we have "proprietarily" obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers, so put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo!

Narrator:
But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts.

Narrator:
Joe was about to learn, that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well.

Narrator:
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere.

Narrator:
After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water.

Narrator:
Dwayne Elizondo Camacho …Five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion …Porn superstar …And president of the United States.

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Carl's Jr: F*** you! I'm eating.

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[the "Fuddruckers" company's name has changed over the years] Buttf***ers

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"Extra Big Ass Fries!"

Miscellaneous:
Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as sh*t! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.

Miscellaneous:
Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!

Miscellaneous:
Various: I like money.

Miscellaneous:
Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!

Miscellaneous:
Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you...

Miscellaneous:
Dr. Lexus: Don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but it says on your chart that you're f***ed up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your sh*t's all tarded. What I'd do, is just like... ha ha... like... aha... you know, like, you know what I mean, like... haha...

Miscellaneous:
Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scro'! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Miscellaneous:
Robot Vacuum: Your floor-- your floor is now clean.

Miscellaneous:
Ow My Balls! Guy: Ow, my balls!

Joe:
Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Sgt. Keller:
Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.

Joe:
That doesn't embarrass me.

[Joe's Hibernation Pod crashes through Frito's window]

Joe:
Where's...?

Frito:
Hold on. Shut up.

Joe:
Where's Officer Collins?

Frito:
Shut up!

Joe:
Are we on base?

Frito:
I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!

Joe:
I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?

Frito:
Shut up! I told you already.

[Frito throws Joe out the window]

Frito:
Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."

Program:
Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.

Joe:
I'm not sure if-

Program:
You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?

Joe:
No, it's not correct.

Program:
Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

Joe:
No it's not. My name is Joe-

Program:
You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".

Joe:
My last name is not "Sure".

Program:
Thank you, "Not Sure".

Joe:
No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.

Program:
Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Joe and Frito are walking through a Costco, much bigger than what was in Joe's time

Greeter:
Hi, welcome to Costco. I love you.

Frito:
Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.

Joe:
You went to law school at Costco?

Frito:
So did my father. Thank God for being a legacy, or else I might not have gotten in.

Joe:
Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Frito:
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Frito:
I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.

Cameraman:
Totally.

Rita:
You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits?

Joe:
Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita:
Now you know why he built that bomb.

Joe:
For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

Secretary of State:
But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

Attorney General:
"So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops.

Joe:
Yes.

Attorney General:
Water. Like out the toilet?

Joe:
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

Secretary of State:
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Attorney General:
It's got electrolytes.

Joe:
Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Secretary of Energy:
Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

Secretary of State:
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

Joe:
Okay, look. You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

Attorney General:
Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Secretary of Energy:
Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

Joe:
What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

Secretary of State:
It's what they use to make Brawndo.

Joe:
Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

Secretary of Defense:
'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.

[Frito is struggling to read an advertisement]

Cameraman:
Why you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?

Frito:
Fag your face!

[Frito punches Cameraman in the face]

Frito:
It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.

Ow! My Balls! Guy(Hormel Chavez):
Thank you so much.

[Frito kicks the man in the crotch]

Frito Pendejo:
I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!

President Camacho:
Now I understand everyone's sh*t is emotional right now.

Judge Hank "The Hangman" Bmw:
I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can come up with a verdict up in here!

Narrator:
As the 21st century began... human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... now began to favor different traits. The Joey Buttafuoco case-- Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd... it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

...

[Trevor and Carol, an upper middle-class couple on the couch]

Trevor:
Having kids is such an important decision.

Carol:
We're just waiting for the right time. It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.

...

[Clevon and Trish, a working class couple in the kitchen]

Trish:
[Reading pregnancy test stick] No way. Oh, sh*t, I'm pregnant again!

Clevon:
Sh*t! I got too many damn kids! I thought you was on the pill or some sh*t!

Trish:
Hell, no!

Clevon:
Sh*t! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.

Trish:
[Throws slipper and lunges at Clevon] Brittany?! No, you didn't!

...

Carol:
There's no way we could have a child now.

Trevor:
Mm-mm.

Carol:
Not with the market the way it is, no.

Trevor:
God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.

...

[Trish is arguing with duplex neighbor; Trish]

Trish:
Come on over here, b*tch! He don't care about you!

Brittany:
Yeah?! Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here! [Trish throws a glass bottle which bounces off Brittany's door]

Clevon:
She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!

Woman:
[Comes running at him with a 2x4 board] Clevon!

Clevon:
Oh, sh*t. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

...

Carol:
Well, we finally decided to have children... and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.

Trevor:
And this is helping.

Carol:
I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to--

Trevor:
It's always me, right? Well, it's not my sperm count.

...

Clevon Jr.:
[With arms on shoulders of a row of cheerleaders after football game] Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna f*** all y'all!

Clevon:
That's my boy!

Clevon Jr.:
Whoo! Whoo!

...

[In a scene subtitled; "5 years later"]

Hospital surgeon:
Clevon is lucky to be alive. He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler... Clevon should regain full reproductive function.

Clevon:
Get your hands off my junk!

...

Carol:
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... while masturbating... to produce sperm for artificial insemination. But I have some eggs frozen... so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know--

...

Narrator:
And so it went for generations... although few, if any, seemed to notice. But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C... a simple army librarian was unknowingly... about to change the entire course of human history.

[Police officer placing a suspect into a cruiser on COPS on TV] Come on, a**hole! Go on! Take him to jail!

Joe:
[Bauers walks up to Joe] Hey, Bauers.

Bauers:
This is Peterson, your new replacement.

Joe:
My what? I'm gettin' replaced?

Bauers:
Yeah, they didn't tell you?

Joe:
No.

Bauers:
Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.

Joe:
I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. I'm good at this.

Bauers:
Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here.

Joe:
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

Bauers:
No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.

Joe:
Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Bauers:
When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

Joe:
That doesn't embarrass me.

Bauers:
Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow. Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.

Joe:
Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

Bauers:
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

...

[Sgt. Collins giving a presentation before Army Generals in a boardroom]

Sgt. Collins:
Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. Now, as you know, throughout the years... many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. Joe, here, is not one of our best men. Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. The most average person in our entire armed forces. Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... is an only child, and both parents are deceased... making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... should something go wrong with the experiment. We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... and were forced to look into the private sector. This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-- With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... with the local authorities in running his pimp game. First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. [Progressing through slideshow with photos of exploits with Upgrayedd and his subordinates]

General 1:
Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

Sgt. Collins:
Sure. Let me just finish here. You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

General 1:
[Slideshow reals many photos with Upgrayedd's posse] Collins!

Sgt. Collins:
Fine. We'll move on. It is a fascinating world though.

General 2:
Jesus, Collins.

Sgt. Collins:
Yeah, that's-- Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... are to be placed into a dry freeze... for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. As you know, this is highly classified. However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.

...

[Joe and Rita waiting to be prepared for hibernation]

Joe:
What unit are you with?

Rita:
Oh, I ain't in the service.

Rita:
Oh, private sector. Okay.

Joe:
So, uh, what do you do?

Rita:
A little of this, a little of that.

Joe:
Wow, that's great. You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- doing a little of this and a little of that. I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

Rita:
Yeah.

Joe:
So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?

Rita:
Uh, yeah.

Joe:
You do paintings or-

Rita:
Yeah, paintings.

Joe:
Okay, great.

Rita:
Mm-hmm.

Joe:
What do you paint mostly?

Rita:
I don't know, just... people and fruit and sh*t.

Joe:
Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Rita:
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Officer Collins:
Who wants to go first?

Rita:
Me. What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.

Joe:
What's the matter?

Rita:
Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... in no damn coffin with tubes and sh*t!

Officer Collins:
Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.

Joe:
Who's Upgrayedd?

Rita:
He's my boyfriend. Man, how do you know this sh*t's safe?

Joe:
These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. They've tested it on dogs and everything. What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. It'll be fine.

Rita:
All right.

Joe:
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. His name was Untgrad.

Officer Collins:
Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. See you in a year.

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