Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget:
I don't know what you're up to, Claw, but I will stop you.

Dr. Claw:
Aw touché, Inspector, I think someone has been watching way too many Saturday morning cartoons.

Inspector Gadget:
Wowser!

Scolex:
Too bad Hook is taken, eh?

Sikes:
How 'bout Captain Claw?

Kramer:
Or Santa Claw?

Scolex:
Just Claw, one word... like Madonna.

Scolex:
I deserve a dashing appellation.

Kramer:
A dashing appellation. What is that? A hillbilly with a tuxedo?

Gadgetmobile:
Better buckle up, Penny. This car's only got two speeds: "Fast" and "WOW! What Was That?"

Gadgetmobile:
Let's team up: I'll go after them; and you say 10-4!

Inspector Gadget:
10-4?

Gadgetmobile:
Right. See ya!

Inspector Gadget:
I owe you one Scolex. You wrecked my car, and I really liked that car.

Dr. Claw:
Well, you crushed my hand and I really liked that hand. So Go-Go get over it!

John Brown:
You're under arrest for the murder of Artemis Bradford, Scolex.

Scolex:
God, you're irritating.

John Brown:
(To RoboGadget) And you, you're under arrest for impersonating a police officer. Oh, what tangled web we weave.

Penny:
Having another hero cop dream, Uncle John?

John Brown:
Every time I close my eyes. How was school?

Penny:
Fine. Don't forget: tomorrow's the day parents come over to talk about their careers.

John Brown:
Oh, well, I might have to work.

John Brown:
[through megaphone] Attention: Driver of the wrecked limo attached to the "Yahoo!" billboard, this is security officer John Brown. Please step out of the vehicle immediately, or... else.

[Scolex emerges from the sunroof, with his hands up]

Sanford Scolex:
Fine work, Mr. Security Guard, you got me. Here. [pulls out cigar] Have a victory cigar.

John Brown:
[through megaphone] No, thanks.

Sanford Scolex:
[lights the "cigar", which turns out to be a fuse] Remember: Smoking kills. [tosses it]

John Brown:
[through megaphone] I don't smoke!

Sanford Scolex:
Oh, really? You will now.

[Scolex laughs evilly as the fuse lands near John's car.]

John Brown:
Oh, boy.

[the fuse blows up John Brown; also sending a bowling ball rocketing out of Brown's car. Scolex almost closes his sunroof, but the bowling ball falls through the sunroof before closing, and crushes his left hand.]

Sanford Scolex:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! MY HAND!!!!!

Dr. Claw:
Not bad, Kramer. Not bad at all. [Kramer sighs, relieved] This is sort of post-modern Captain Hook kind of feel it. Very "diabolical." I deserve a dashing appellation.

Kramer:
Dashing appellation? What is that, a hillbilly with a tuxedo?

Dr. Claw:
No, you idiot!

Kramer:
[jumps back] Oh!

Dr. Claw:
It's a nickname. One that send my enemies cowering in fear. Ah. Aw, too bad Hook is taken, huh?

Sykes:
How about, eh, Captain Claw?

Kramer:
[coming up with an idea.] Oh.

Dr. Claw:
No, no, no, no--

Kramer:
Or Santa Claw.

Dr. Claw:
Just Claw. One word. Like Madonna.

Kramer:
Well, any-hoo, captain, sir, uh, Mr. Claw, I know how much you like to maintain an active lifestyle, so I have managed to, um, design a few interchangeable options. [waves with interchangeable hand] Hi hi.

Dr. Claw:
Oh, very clever, Kramer.

Sykes:
[mocking] "Oh, very clever, Kramer."

Dr. Claw:
Very clever, indeed. [Claw snaps near Kramer's face]

Kramer:
Well, first we have the opera hand, for those special nights out. And I know how much you enjoy Japanese food so I made you a sushi hand. See there? [mimics eating] Tasty.

Dr. Claw:
Hmm.

Kramer:
[nervously] Also, I don't remember if, uh, you enjoy that medieval fair, but--

Dr. Claw:
Kramer, that's enough. [To Sykes] Sykes, bring on the foot. [Dr. Claw closes the case, accidentally pinning Kramer's hand, and he squeals in pain.] Oops!

[Kramer opens the case to remove his hand, and closes it again.]

Dr. Claw:
An android of this quality could have a myriad of uses: shock troops, kamikaze pilots, hit men.

Kramer:
International rescue workers, teachers.

Dr. Claw:
Oh, yes, I was getting to them. Well, let's see it in action, huh?

Kramer:
Okay.

[Dr. Claw lowers the helmet on his head.]

Dr. Claw:
Ohh. I'll just strap myself in. Okay, turn me on, Kramer. [Kramer activates machine, and Dr. Claw strains heavily] Move! Darn you, move!

Sykes:
It's a lemon.

[Dr. Claw stops straining as the machine powers down.]

Dr. Claw:
Thank you for that, Sykes. You put it on. Come on.

Sykes:
Why can't he do it?

Dr. Claw:
He's capable of intelligent thought. That's useful to me. [chuckles] Now I'll strap you in. Perhaps if we give him maximum voltage.

Kramer:
[uncertainly] Yeah, that, uh, might work.

[Claw activates machine to maximum voltage, but Sykes howls in pain.]

Sykes:
[in pain] I want my MAMA!!! [continues howling in pain.]

Dr. Claw:
Something got left behind. What does Brenda have that I don't?

Brenda Bradford:
I've got something special to show you. Ta-da! The Gadgetmobile.

Inspector Gadget:
Wow.

Brenda Bradford:
It's for you. [Gadget is stunned] I made it myself. Come on.

Inspector Gadget:
You made me a car? The only thing anybody's ever made me before is a sweater.

Brenda Bradford:
All right. Now, it may look simple, but this thing has just about as many factory extras as you do. [Gadget hesitates] Come on! Get in there!

Inspector Gadget:
Oh.

Brenda Bradford:
Watch the coat. Okay.

Inspector Gadget:
[intrigued] Gosh. She's Incredible.

Brenda Bradford:
Oh, it's a he.

Inspector Gadget:
Excuse me?

Brenda Bradford:
You'll see. Okay, now, it has voice activation, ejection seats, a power-assisted metamorphic camouflage system, a cardio-homing device, then there's a periscope, a candy--

Inspector Gadget:
Dr. Bradford, there's something I just have to ask you.

Brenda Bradford:
Oh, just say "Go Go Gadgetmobile."

Inspector Gadget:
Yes, but will you-- "Go Go Gadgetmobile"?

Gadgetmobile:
Good mornin', Riverton! Hey! Who's in the car? I work alone! [he drives off with Gadget in tow] Hey. Before we hit the road, I gotta tell you somethin'. Duck!

[Gadget hits his head on garage door.]

Brenda:
Ohh.

Inspector Gadget:
I don't think the car likes me!

Gadgetmobile:
Who you calling "car"? I'm a crime-fighting machine. Watch this. Back turn! Haven't you fallen out yet?

Inspector Gadget:
No, sir, I haven't!

Gadgetmobile:
Who are you, rookie?

Inspector Gadget:
I'm Officer John Brown, and you're exceeding the speed limit.

[Inspector Gadget tries to stop the Gadgetmobile, but can't]

Gadgetmobile:
Speed limits are for cars, not the Gadgetmobile.

Inspector Gadget:
Are you-- Are you talking to me?

Gadgetmobile:
Speaking of breaking the law, who's not wearing a seat belt? You gotta wear the belt, baby. [brings out belt with the "Inspector Gadget" logo.] It's a Disney movie. Now, I'm gonna find me some crime. Whoo! More back turns!

Inspector Gadget:
Can you slow down, please? I-- I get carsick.

Gadgetmobile:
Well, you know what makes me people sick? A rookie who thinks he's good enough for Dr. B.

Inspector Gadget:
Not that it's any of your business, but what makes you think I was putting the moves on Dr. Bradford?

Gadgetmobile:
Hey, I got heat sensors, and I know what you're thinkin' when Dr. B. gave you that smile. Now, look here, come clean with me, or I'm gonna bounce you right outta here.

Inspector Gadget:
I can assure you my interest on Dr. Bradford is professional.

Gadgetmobile:
[laughs sarcastically] Professional, huh? Well, good. Keep it that way, and that's an order. You got it?

Inspector Gadget:
Uh, I'm the inspector, you're the car.

Gadgetmobile:
I'll tell you what you are. You're-- [Gadget punches Gadgetmobile] Don't make me go "De-La-Hoya!" on you.

Inspector Gadget:
Isn't there an off button or something? A mute? [Paintball hits a man] Sorry, sir!

Gadgetmobile:
Don't push my buttons without reading the manual! [sees hot dog vendor] Ooh, watch out there, now! [avoids hot dog vendor] Ha-ha!

Hot Dog Vendor:
Hmm?!

Gadgetmobile:
Oh, man, I got a June bug in my grill. [spits out June bug, which splats on the camera lens.]

Inspector Gadget:
Shouldn't we be working together, helping people?!

Gadgetmobile:
Why didn't you say so? [stops]

Dr. Claw:
[sees Gadget's picture on TV] Why, it's that annoying little security guard from the institute. [Terra continues on TV] So, he's the lucky duck they plucked for the Gadget Program. Heh! Irony bounds.

[Sniffy, Dr. Claw's cat, meows, takes Sykes' cruller, chortles, and jumps off couch.]

Sykes:
[notices offscreen] Hey, that's my cruller! Give me that!

[Sykes and Sniffy fight over cruller, offscreen]

Dr. Claw:
Sykes!

Sykes:
[offscreen] Yes, boss?

Dr. Claw:
Get my tuxedo ready. Tomorrow promises to be quite an evening.

[at Gadget's house.]

Penny:
So, anyone special going tonight?

Inspector Gadget:
Well, the Mayor, the Governor.

Penny:
[smiling] Any doctors?

Inspector Gadget:
[confused] Doctors?

Penny:
You know, female doctors. Very attractive female doctors?

[Gadget imagines seeing Brenda, while on a podium.]

Inspector Gadget:
Wowser. [Gadget's head is lifted and twirls making monkey noises, and comes back down, as fireworks ignite from his head. Revert to reality.] Is it that obvious?

Penny:
Come on, Uncle John, you just need to...loosen up. Be cool.

Inspector Gadget:
Have you been talking to my car?

Penny:
What?

Inspector Gadget:
Huh. You'll see.

[Dr. Claw interrupts Brenda and John's dancing.]

Dr. Claw:
May I cut in? [John and Brenda look at Dr. Claw.] Hello. Sanford Scolex. We were at Harvard together.

Brenda:
We were?

Dr. Claw:
Oh, you don't recognize me. That's because I've changed. [whispers to Brenda] I was obese. [chuckles] Maybe you remember me like this. [fills his mouth with air to simulate his prior obesity]

Brenda:
[shocked gasp] Yes! [Dr. Claw and Brenda laugh] Wow! [Dr. Claw stops laughing] Well, i-it's nice to see you again.

Inspector Gadget:
[opens thumb lighter, to Dr. Claw.] Here you go.

Brenda:
You look...different.

Kramer:
Okey-dokle, Sir. I've, uh, pretty much completed Prometheus per your specifications. And I must say the likeness is really quite convincing.

Dr. Claw:
Good. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Kramer.

Kramer:
Hey, isn't that Dr. Brenda Crawford's private data?

Dr. Claw:
Oh. Yes. I tapped into her files and stole her research.

Kramer:
Why would you do that?

Dr. Claw:
[mocking] Why would you do that? Why would you do that? [chortles and pinches Kramer's nose] Kramer, don't look so nonplussed. [let's go of Kramer's nose] Now that Dr. Bradford is part of the Scolex team, we share everything, or at least, we will.

Kramer:
Oh, well, I think sharing files is a great way to bring the company together, you know, to make sure we're all singin' off the same song sheet, so to speak.

Dr. Claw:
Imagine my relief to have your support.

Kramer:
Anyway, sir, like I said, without the chip, I don't think-- [Dr. Claw shows his chip] Oh! So, you made the chip.

Sykes:
Hey. That's just looks like the guy we almost killed.

Kramer:
[plugs ears] Ohh, I didn't hear that!

Dr. Claw:
Chips ahoy. [inserts the chip and activates RoboGadget, and gasps]

Sikes:
Wow.

Kramer:
Oh, sweet Lordy.

Dr. Claw:
Good morning, RoboGadget. You have just been activated by the most advanced piece of computer technology in the world. What are you going to do now?

[bell dings]

RoboGadget:
I'm gonna kick some butt.

Dr. Claw:
Oh, very saucy!

Sykes:
It looks so real.

[RoboGadget pokes Sykes' eyes]

Kramer:
Oh!

Dr. Claw:
[laughs triumphantly] Very good, yes! Oh, Robo, nothing can stop us now!

Inspector Gadget:
Alright, so I'll rule out the Spanish, but what else could "S.I." stand for? Space Invaders? Ahh, "Scuba Instructor"?

Penny:
No.

Gadgetmobile:
Hey, how 'bout "Super Idiot"?

Inspector Gadget:
No, that's not it.

Penny:
Uncle John, I love you, but I think you have a loose wire. [Gadgetmobile laughs. Scolex Industries truck appears] Ohh, what about that?

[Inspector Gadget turns around and read side of truck.]

Inspector Gadget:
"Scolex Industries".

Gadgetmobile:
Hello! Finally, there's a detective in the house.

Inspector Gadget:
Wait a minute. If Scolex stole the foot then Scolex murdered Dr.-- Oh, no. Brenda.

[Gadget drives off with Penny and Brain.]

Gadgetmobile:
Ti-i-i-ime to work! [they arrive at Scolex's building.] Can you find the Scolex Building from here, or should I call the police?

Inspector Gadget:
I am the police.

Penny:
Hey. [Gadget closes door.] Wait. What about me?

Gadgetmobile:
You're smarter than he is. Stay in the car. I don't mind babysitting you, Penny, but please tell the beagle that that's an arm rest, not a chew toy.

[Gadget hits window after using grappling hook.]

Brenda Bradford:
John! [mutes TV] What happened?! I'll go get Scolex. Maybe he can help.

Inspector Gadget:
Brenda, it's not safe here! Scolex is a liar, and a thief, and-- Well, let's just say he's not a very good guy! Go home! Lock your doors! Stay alive! Whatever happens, I will find you!

Dr. Claw:
Greetings, Inspector. Glad you could drop in.

Inspector Gadget:
I owe you one, Scolex.

Dr. Claw:
Oh?

Inspector Gadget:
You blew me up and my Chevette. And I really liked that car.

Dr. Claw:
Well, you crushed my hand, and I really liked that hand. So Go Go get over it.

Inspector Gadget:
I don't know what you're up to, Scolex, but you'll never get away with it!

Dr. Claw:
[chortles] Oh, how cliché, Inspector. I think somebody's been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons. [he, Kramer and Inspector Gadget look at the camera, thus breaking the fourth wall]. Unfortunately, Gadget, in the real world, evil often quite prevails. Tsk. Afraid so. [to Sykes] Pull him up. [Sykes pushes button to rotate Gadget upwards.] Now, look how your current replacement is helping people... [chortles] ...to cross the street.

Inspector Gadget:
Hey, he looks just like me. I don't get it. Why would you do this?

Kramer:
To make teachers!

Dr. Claw:
[angrily] SHUT UP!

Kramer:
Oh! [whimpers]

Dr. Claw:
I'll tell you why. To make techno-warriors that never get tired, never get hungry, and never say "no". Every army in the world would be made up of my creations. Imagine the confusion, Gadget, huh? Imagine the perks. COMPRENDÉ?!

Inspector Gadget:
Yeah, I comprendé.

Dr. Claw:
[annoyed chuckle] No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. I comprendo, yo comprendo. Conjugate the word, for pity's sake.

Inspector Gadget:
[understanding] Oh.

Dr. Claw:
Pull out his NSA chip before he butchers another language.

Kramer:
You're kidding, right? Okay, you see, he's always kidding! I never know.

Dr. Claw:
This time, no. I wanna make sure nobody else can develop their own android. Do it, or you'll be building yourself a new head.

Kramer:
Ohh.

Sykes:
[laughs and grunts] "New head."

Kramer:
[closes eyes] Okay, I am not here right now. I am on a beach, with dolphins. And, oh, hi, look, it's a Starfish. [opens eyes] I don't feel so good. Ohh. [faints]

Dr. Claw:
I'm sorry, Gadget. Good help is so hard to find these days. Would you mind if I do the honors, hmm? [Gadget shakes his head.] Well, here goes. Arrivèderci, ciao, ciao. [removes chip from Gadget and shuts him down.] Good-bye, Mr. Chip. [destroys N.S.A chip, and the camera cuts to Gadget, with a shocked expression] Dump this idiot in the junkyard.

Sykes:
Yes, boss. [grabs Kramer]

Dr. Claw:
[chortles] Oh, no, not that idiot, this one.

Sykes:
[grunts] I wish you'd be specific, we got an awful lot of idiots around here.

Dr. Claw:
Attention, RoboGadget. Destroy the city and have some fun.

RoboGadget:
OK, boss! You with the beard, come here!

RoboGadget:
You know how to dance, don't ya?

Inspector Gadget:
Actually, I was taking lessons not too long ago, in the one--

RoboGadget:
Shut up and dance!

[RoboGadget unleashes two machine guns]

Inspector Gadget:
Uh-oh.

[Inspector Gadget removes RoboGadget's head.]

RoboGadget:
Hey. Hey. What'd you do that for? We shouldn't be fighting. We have a lot in common, except that I have nicer teeth. We should be working together, be partners. Together, you and I could rule the world!

Inspector Gadget:
You should've quit while you were ahead. [pauses at the cheesy and unintended pun tosses RoboGadget's head to the river]

RoboGadget:
CANNONBALL!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Brenda Bradford:
Two things, Scolex! One, you are completely insane, and two, I liked you better fat!

[Dr. Claw gasps in shock by this, and his cat hides under the seat]

Dr. Claw:
[getting an idea] Bring on the brownies! Ha! Wheel in the waffles! I'm ready to binge! Ha-ha-ha! [Inspector Gadget arrives in his helicopter hat to save Brenda] Darn! That fellow will not give us a break!

Inspector Gadget:
For the third time, Sanford Scolex, you are under arrest!

[Scolex fires missile]

Brenda:
No!

[missile destroys Inspector Gadget's helicopter hat.]

Dr. Claw:
[mocking] Go Go Go Go Go Gadget! [sticks out tongue and laughs mockingly, as Gadget stands up. Dr. Claw flies after Gadget, and laughs evilly.]

Brenda:
John!

Inspector Gadget:
[tries jumping away.] Oh, no! Ohh!

[Dr. Claw lifts Inspector Gadget stuck on his helicopter landing gear]

Dr. Claw:
Let me give you a lift! [laughs evilly] Where can I drop you off?

Inspector Gadget:
I'd answer but I doubt you'd really care! [whimpers]

Brenda:
John, I'm up here! Take my hand!

Dr. Claw:
Hi, John, how you're doing down there?

Brenda:
John!

Dr. Claw:
[mocks Brenda] "John!" [laughs mockingly]

Brenda:
John! I know you can save us! Think of something!

Inspector Gadget:
I'm working on it! [takes out pen from his finger, and spends time making something out of it.]

Brenda:
Hurry! [grunts]

Inspector Gadget:
[closes eyes and imitates Swami] Try to visualize your goal.

[in slow-mo, Gadget quickly pulls apart the pen, and, in normal speed, makes ink cartridge slingshot onto Dr. Claw's button on his claw, destroying the joystick and freeing Brenda.]

Dr. Claw:
[his claw is still moving] Ugh. Back to the drawing board!

[Brenda punches Dr. Claw three times, leaving him stunned]

Inspector Gadget:
Brenda, jump! Right on my back!

Dr. Claw:
Oh, Brenda, don't jump! For God's sake, we can work this out! Darling, sweetie pie, really! [Brenda screams, and jumps on Gadget. Dr. Claw tries control his helicopter, but can't.] My God! Me, I'm out of control!

Penny:
This is the coolest watch. It's a radio, computer, and even a phone. Testing, testing. Brain, say something. Come in. Over.

Brain:
[voiced by Don Adams, the original voice of Inspector Gadget.] Brain is not here. Please leave a message at the sound of the woof. Woof!

[before end credits]

Inspector Gadget:
Wowzer! [his shoe opens up and a rocket shoots out and Inspector Gadget and Brenda kiss]

Gadgetmobile:
A happy ending. Ah, what could be better than true love? [sees red Volkswagen beetle] Whoo-hoo! Cute little bug. Wait up, Fraulein! [horn honks] Did you know I speak German? [follows Red Volkswagen beetle] Farfegnugen, baby!

[during end credits; at Minion Recovery Group]

Sykes:
Hi. My name is Sykes.

Minions:
Hi, Sykes.

Sykes:
And I'm a minion. But it's been 30 days since I last kissed up to anyone!

[the other minions cheer and applaud]

Gadgetmobile:
Hey, thanks for watching my movie. Yeah, my movie, even though we called it Inspector Gadget. I know you all are wondering; Things with the Volkswagen are workin' out real good. We got married in Las Vegas, in a drive-through Chapel. We're expecting a little subcompact any day now, thinking of calling him "The Love Bug", which is in no way a plug for my employer, The Walt Disney Company. Although, when our little one is old enough, I'm sure his first words will be, "I'm going to Disneyland!" But don't any of you leave for theme parks just yet. All these fine people in the credits make me look good.

[last words; nearing the end of the end credits]

Gadgetmobile:
Wow! You made it through credits, and we didn't offer you anything for free! Movie audiences are the best audiences in the world. Now, get out. Go home. Leave. Vamoose. You got to go. I am tired. Please go home, go home, go home, go home. Good night, Riverton!

Mayor Wilson:
It's a thing of beauty, Quimby. The future of law enforcement reborn before our very eyes.

Chief Quimby:
Yep. Columbo and Nintendo all rolled into one.

Mayor Wilson:
He'll make you obsolete. No overtime. No hazard pay. No "Blue Flu". [laughs] And he won't call me "Evil Gidget" behind my back. Oh, by the way, what do we have on the Artemus Bradford murder, hmm?

Chief Quimby:
Well, we got a limo with no license, and we got some scrap metal from whatever it was that broke into the lab.

Mayor Wilson:
Do we at least know what was stolen?!

Sergeant:
According to Dr. Bradford, a robotic foot.

Chief Quimby:
Robotic foot.

Mayor Wilson:
A robotic foot?

Chief Quimby:
Yeah

Mayor Wilson:
What kind of cyber-freak are we dealing with?