Ira & Abby

Abby Willoughby:
Do you have pets?

Ira Black:
Oh, no. No. No, I - I have a fear of perishables. You know - pets, dairy products, produce. Anything that dies, I don't intend to, uh - not for me.

Arlene Black:
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly.

Abby Willoughby:
I don't take it lightly, I just have a really good feeling about this.

Arlene Black:
Ugh, sweetheart, it isn't about feelings. Marriage is a contract.

Abby Willoughby:
It isn't about feelings?

Ira Black:
Marriage isn't about feelings?

Arlene Black:
No, it is, of course it is.

Seymour Black:
Yeah, it's about feeling terrible and criticized.

Arlene Black:
[coldly] Sy, don't start.

Arlene Black:
[Of her 33-year marriage] You two need to know the truth. It's no picnic!

Abby Willoughby:
Were you in love in the beginning?

Arlene Black:
[simultaneously] No.

Seymour Black:
[simultaneously] Not so much.

Ira Black:
[unnerved] I thought you were madly in love.

Arlene Black:
That's what we told you when you were younger. It was a good story, it made you happy.

Ira Black:
You were never in love? That's... that's depressing!

Seymour Black:
That's why we didn't tell you.

Arlene Black:
You learn to love. You *learn* to love, because you're *stuck* with each other.

Seymour Black:
Well, not stuck. Um - *hinged*. Hinged! You're hinged together, so that you can still move a little, but at the end of the day, you're always together, through good and bad.

Abby Willoughby:
Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's *very* bad.

Seymour Black:
Hasn't been so bad, Arl.

Arlene Black:
It's been bad, Sy. Trust me, Abby.

Ira Black:
[on their first session of marriage counseling] I can't believe you won therapy!

Ira Black:
Honey, you make friends with *everyone*. With muggers, and killers, and strangers on the street. You'd make friends with Hitler if he came in for a tour.