Iron Man 2

[Tony Stark, with a hangover, is eating a donut in the giant donut on top of the building]

Nick Fury:
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit the donut!

[In the Donut shop]

Tony:
I told you I don't want to join your super secret boy band.

Fury:
[laughs] No no no, see? I remember, you do everything yourself. How's that working out for ya?

Tony:
It-It-It-It's... I'm sorry, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Do I look at the patch or the eye? Honestly, I'm a bit hungover. I'm not sure if you're real or... or if I'm having deliriu....

Fury:
[interrupts] I am very real. I'm the realest person you're ever gonna meet.

Tony:
Just my luck. Where's the staff here? [looks around]

Fury:
[pulls down Tony's collar to look at the marks on his neck] That's not looking too good.

Tony:
Been worse.

Agent Natasha Romanov:
[walks up to the table] We've secured the perimeter. But I don't think we should hold it for too much longer.

Tony:
[learning for the first time Natasha's true identity] Huh... you're... fired.

Natasha:
That's not up to you.

Natasha:
We've disabled all communications. No contact with the outside world. Good luck.

Tony:
Please... [shakes head] First thing I need a little body work. I'll put in a little time at the lab. If we could send one of your goon squad down to the coffee bean for a Starbucks run or something like that, that would be nice.

Agent Coulson:
I'm not here for that. I've been authorized by Director Fury to use any means necessary to keep you on premises. If you attempt to leave, or play any games I will taze you and watch Supernanny while you drool into the carpet. okay?

Tony:
I think I got it. Yeah.

Coulson:
Enjoy your evening's entertainment.

Justin Hammer:
[walking into hangar to weaponize the War Machine armor] Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Is it my birthday? What did you do? What did you do? Is this what I think it is?

Colonel James "Rhodey" Rhodes:
Yes, it is. Hammer, I want to know what you're gonna do for us.

Hammer:
What am I going to do for you? Well the first thing I'm gonna do for you is I'm gonna upgrade your software. And then, second, I think I should...

Rhodey:
[interrupts] Hammy, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about firepower.

Hammer:
[as he chomps on a lollipop] Well, you're talking to the right guy. [demonstrating various weapons for the armor to Colonel Rhodes and Major Allen] Claridge Hi-Tec, semi-automatic, 9-millimeter pistol. [Rhodes and Allen are silent] Too downtown? I agree. [lays pistol on table and picks up shotgun] M24 shotgun, pump action. Five-round magazine. You know what? You're not a hunter. What am I talking about? I'm getting rid of it. [lays shotgun on table and picks up rife] This is the FN-2000 from Belgium. They do make something better than waffles. It's beautiful, but I can tell this isn't disco enough for you, so I'm gonna put it right here. [lays rifle on table and picks up grenade launcher] You're looking at a Milkor 40-millimeter grenade launcher. Tear gas, smoke. Hippie control. You're tough. [lays grenade launcher on table] Let me tell you something. Size does matter. Don't let anyone tell you different. [picks up minigun] This is an M134 7.62 Minigun. Six individual barrels. The torso taker, powder maker. Our boys in uniform call it Uncle Gazpacho, or Puff the Magic Dragon. [grins at Rhodes and Allen, who remain totally silent] Okay. [carrying a small box] These are the Cubans, baby. This is the Cohibas, the Montecristos. [picking up a small missile out of the box] This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder vehicle with a secondary cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine RDX burst. It's capable of busting a bunker under the bunker you just busted. If it were any smarter, it'd write a book, a book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Eiffel Tower. This is my Rachmaninoff's Third. My Pietà. It's completely elegant, it's bafflingly beautiful, and it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it "The Ex-Wife." [Rhodes holds his chin as if in thought] This is the best I've got. [puts missile back in box] Are we gonna do this? Give me something here. You're like a sphinx. I can't read you.

Rhodey:
I think I'll take it.

Hammer:
Which one?

Rhodey:
All of it.

Hammer:
[mildly in shock] All of it.

Justin Hammer:
[after walking into the room where Ivan Vanko is working] Hey, there he is! It's the bird man. Now you like the bird. Is that right? Is that your bird? I'm confused. You said it wasn't, but now it looks like you're best of pals. You love that bird, don't you? You know what? [To the guards] Take the bird. [One guard takes the bird away from Ivan]

Ivan Vanko:
Hey! [The guard puts the bird into a bag]

Justin Hammer:
[To the guards again] Take his pillows, too. Both of them. [The other guard take Ivan's pillows away from him] And his shoes. Take his shoes. [Both guards take Ivan's shoes]. I took your stuff. How does that make you feel? Do you feel bad? Good. [hysterical] 'Cause THAT'S HOW I FEEL!!! We had a contract! I saved your life, and you give me suits! That was our deal. And you did not deliver. I don't know if you're a genius or a fraud. I don't know what you are. [a little more calmed] Something really, really great fell into my lap. And if it hadn't, I'd be at your mercy tonight. Now I have a piece of Stark tech that I pimped out myself. And now your overpriced paperweights are gonna look like a backdrop to my demonstration. Do you dig what I'm getting at here?

Ivan Vanko:
[mutters insults to Hammer in Russian]

Justin Hammer:
[laughing sarcastically] I don't know if you know this, [hysterical again] BUT I DON'T SPEAK RUSSIAN!!! [calmed down again] I'm gonna leave now. I'm gonna go to the Expo. Maybe I'll even get laid. [refering to the guards] You see these guys? They're your babysitters. They are not to be trifled with. When I get back, we're gonna renegotiate the terms of our agreement. And you're gonna make good on our arrangement because if you don't, you're gonna be exactly what you were when I found you: a dead man. You got that? [pointing to the TV] Maybe you can watch me on TV. [He leaves. Vanko starts looking to the guards, and smiles]

Natasha:
Reboot complete. You got your best friend back.

Tony:
Thank you very much, Agent Romanov.

Natasha:
Well done with the new chest piece. I'm reading significantly higher output, and your vitals all look promising.

Tony:
Yes, for the moment, I'm not dying. Thank you.

Pepper:
[overhearing this on the other line] What do you mean, you're not dying? Did you just say you were dying?

Tony:
That you? Uh, no, I'm not. Not anymore.

Pepper:
What's - what's going on?

Tony:
I was going to tell you. I didn't want to alarm you.

Pepper:
[interrupting] You were gonna tell me? You really were dying?

Tony:
You didn't let me.

Pepper:
Why didn't you tell me that?

Tony:
I was gonna make you an omelette and tell you!

Natasha:
Hey, hey, save it for the honeymoon. You got incoming, Tony. Looks like the fight's coming to you.

Tony:
Great. Pepper?

Pepper:
Are you okay now?

Tony:
I am fine. Don't be mad. I will formally apologize -

Pepper:
I am mad.

Tony:
- when I'm not fending off a Hammeroid attack.

Pepper:
Fine.

Tony:
We could have been in Venice.

Pepper:
Oh, please!

Senator Stern:
[During the medal ceremony] Mr. Stark, thank you for such an exceptionally distinguished performance. You deserve this. [Purposely pokes Tony while pinning the medal on his jacket]

Tony:
Ow!

Senator Stern:
Oh, sorry. Funny... how annoying a little prick can be, isn't it?

Tony:
Oh, it's good to be back. You missed me? I missed you too.

Random Guy In Crowd:
Blow somethin' up!

Tony:
Blow somethin' up? I already did that. I'm not saying that the world is enjoying its longest period of uninterrupted peace in years because of me. I'm not saying…that from the ashes of captivity…never has a greater Phoenix metaphor been personified in human history. I'm not saying that Uncle Sam can kick back on a lawn chair, sippin' on an iced tea, because I haven't come across anyone who's man enough to go toe to toe with me on my best day. Please…It's not about me. It's not about…you. It's not even about us, it's about legacy. It's about what we choose to leave behind for future generations and that's why, for the next year and for the first time since 1974, the best and brightest men and women of nations and corporations the world over will pool their resources, share their collective vision to leave behind a brighter future. It's not about us! Therefore what I am saying, if I'm saying anything, is welcome back to the Stark Expo! And now, making a special guest appearance from the great beyond, to tell you what it's all about. Please welcome my father, Howard. [Walks off stage and a film plays on the back screen]

Howard Stark:
[In film] Everything is achievable through technology. Better living, robust health, and for the first time in human history, the possibility of world peace. So from all of us here at Stark Industries, I would personally like to introduce you to the city...of the future. Technology holds infinite possibilities for mankind and will one day rid society of all its ills. Soon, technology will effect the way you live your life everyday. No more tedious work. Leaving more time for leisure activities and enjoying the sweet life. The Stark Expo…welcome.

[During the Senate hearing on the Iron Man suit]

Senator Stern:
My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America.

Tony:
Well, you can forget it. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron Man suit would be to turn over myself, which is tantamount to indentured servitude, or prostitution, depending on what state you're in. [Laughter from the gallery] You can't have it.

Stern:
Look, I'm no expert–

Tony:
In prostitution? Of course not, you're a senator. Come on! [More laughter from the gallery as Tony turns to Pepper, who isn't laughing]

[After the battle in Monaco, Tony visits his assailant in jail]

Ivan Vanko:
You come from a family of thieves and butchers. And like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your history. To forget all the lives that the Stark family has destroyed.

Tony:
Speaking of thieves, where'd you get this design? You look like you have friends in low places.

Vanko:
My father, Anton Vanko.

Tony:
Never heard of him.

Vanko:
My father is the reason you're still alive.

Tony:
No. The reason I'm alive is because you made a shot and you missed.

[Vanko laughs]

Vanko:
If you could make God bleed, people would cease to believe in Him. There will be blood in the water. The sharks will come. All I have to do is sit back and watch as the world consumes you.

Tony:
Where will you be watching the world consume me from? Oh, that's right, a prison cell. I'll send you a bar of soap. [walks off]

Tony:
Can I ask you something personal? If this was the last birthday party you were going to have, what would you do?

Natalie Rushman:
I would do whatever I wanted to do, with whomever I wanted to do it with.

[At Tony's birthday party]

Tony:
Goldstein?

Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein:
Yes, Mr. Stark?

Tony:
Give me a phat beat to beat my buddy's ass to.

[The DJ obliges and starts Daft Punk's "Robot Rock" as Tony and Rhodey duke it out]

[Tony and Rhodey brawl after the party]

Tony:
Sorry pal, but Iron Man doesn't have a sidekick.

James Rhodes:
Sidekick THIS! [Whacks Tony with a barbell]

Natasha:
I need your impression.

Tony:
Well, you have a quiet reserve about you...

Natasha:
I meant your fingerprint.

Fury:
You've been very busy. You made your girl your CEO, you're giving away all your stuff, you let your friend fly away with your suit. Now, if I knew better—

Tony:
You don't know better. I didn't give it to him. He took it.

Fury:
Whoa-whoa-whoa, he took it? You're Iron Man, and he just took it? Little brother walked in there, kicked your ass and took your suit? [Turns to Natasha] Is that possible?

Natasha:
Well, according to Mr. Stark's database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorized access…

Tony:
What do you want from me?

Fury:
What do we want from you? Uh uh. What do you want from me? You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the center of my universe. I have bigger problems in the southwest region to deal with. Hit him.

[Natasha sticks a syringe into Tony's neck and injects him with something]

Tony:
Oh God, are you gonna steal my kidney and sell it? Could you please not do anything awful for five seconds? What did she just do to me?

Fury:
What did we just do for you. That's lithium dioxide. Gonna take the edge off. We're trying to get you back to work.

Tony:
Gimme a couple boxes of that, I'll be right as rain.

Natasha:
It's not a cure. Just abates the symptoms.

Fury:
Doesn't look like it's gonna be an easy fix.

[Vanko shows Hammer how easily he can hack into HammerTech's computer system]

Justin Hammer:
Good stuff.

Vanko:
???? ???? - ?????. [Russian; pronounced "tuh-voy soft, guhv-no"]

Hammer:
[Confused] Sorry?

Vanko:
Software sh*t.

[Coulson discovers the replica of Captain America's shield in Tony's lab]

Coulson:
Where did you get this? Do you have any idea what this is?

Tony:
That…is exactly what I need.

[He grabs the shield and uses it as a shim to level his makeshift particle accelerator]

Tony:
See? Perfectly level.

Stern:
I think "we're done" is the point he's making. I don't think there's any reason–

Tony:
The point is: you're welcome, I guess.

Stern:
For what?

Tony:
Because I'm your nuclear deterrent. It's working. We're safe. America is secure. You want my property? You can't have it. But I did you a big favor: I've successfully privatized world peace. What more do you want? For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns...

Stern:
F*** you, Mr. Stark. F*** you, buddy.

[Post-credits scene:
Coulson drives out to a crater in the New Mexico desert]

Coulson:
[On the phone] Sir? We found it.

[The camera zooms back from Coulson on the rim to the object at the crater's center–a hammer]

Tony:
[arrives at an Expo convention] We got trouble.

Rhodes:
Tony, there are civilians present. I'm here on under orders. Let's not do this right now.

Tony:
Give them a wave. All these people are in danger. We gotta get them out of here. You gotta trust me for the next five minutes.

Rhodes:
I tried that and got tossed around your house, remember?

Tony:
[about Hammer] I think he's working with Vanko.

Rhodes:
Vanko’s alive?

Tony:
[walks towards Hammer] Where is he?

Hammer:
What?

Tony:
Where’s Vanko?

Hammer:
Who?

Tony:
Tell me.

Hammer:
What are you doing here, man?

[Vanko starts hacking Rhodes’ suit remotely]

Rhodes:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [his cannon points at Tony by itself]

Tony:
Is that you?

Rhodes:
No, I'm not doing that. That's not me. I can't move. I'm locked up. I'm locked up. [all the drones on the stage hold up their arms to fire their cannons] GET OUT OF HERE! GO! THE WHOLE SYSTEM’S BEEN COMPROMISED!!

[civilians start running away in panic]

Tony Stark / Iron Man:
[Having just inserted the reworked arc reactor into his chest cavity] Tastes like coconut! [Grimaces] And metal.

Tony Stark / Iron Man:
[After saving a little boy from a Hammer Drone] Nice work, kid.

Howard Stark:
[A filmed message left for his son] Tony. You're too young to understand this now, so I thought I would put it on film for you. [Gestures to his model of Stark Expo] I built this for you. And someday, you'll realize that it represents a whole lot more than people's inventions. It represents my life's work. This is the key to the future. I'm limited by the technology of my time, but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is, and will always be, my greatest creation…is you.

Tony Stark / Iron Man:
[Finding his father's design for a new element hidden within the Stark Expo model] Dead for almost 20 years, you're still taking me to school...

Tony Stark / Iron Man:
Prepare for a major remodel, fellas! We're back in hardware mode!