It Ain't Half Hot Mum

[repeated line]

BSM Williams:
Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.

[repeated line]

BSM Williams:
SHUT UP!

Char Wallah Muhammed:
[singing] Land of hope and glory, mother of the free....

BSM Williams:
[yells] Shut up! [program ends]

BSM Williams:
Never before have I seen such a blatant display of poofery!

Gunner:
[on a crashing plane] Solly, what's happening?

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
I don't know, but if you can remember any hymns, sing 'em!

Gunner:
Solly, the only hymn I can remember, is "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam"!

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
And at the rate we're going, he's gonna get you!

Gnr Graham:
[they are ordered to fight and defy the Sun] But the Sun isn't an anatomical entity, it's an inanimate object. How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant-Major?

BSM Williams:
[mocking] How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant-Major? Let me tell you, Gunner La-De-Dah Graham, the British Army can fight anything! Intimate or not!

Gunner 'Nobby' Clark:
I always thought concubines were those little animals, with spikes on their backs.

Gunner Beaumont:
They're *porcupines*.

Captain Ashwood:
Who's Major Waddilove-Evans?

Colonel Reynolds:
Eh? Oh, just the husband of the lady who happened to be on leave in the hills as the same time as me. [coughs]

Captain Ashwood:
Jolly good show.

Colonel Reynolds:
Yes, it was.

Rangi Ram:
I shall put in telegram: "All postings cancelled. Whole area covered with Bubonic plague, and put into gelatine."

Gunner Graham:
*Quarantine*.

Rangi Ram:
Oh! Saab righty, Rangi wrongy.

Gunner 'Nobby' Clark:
Rangi, gelatine's the thing they cut your head off with.

Gunner Beaumont:
That's a guillotine, you berk!

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
Lofty! What happened?

Lofty:
I got captured by tribesmen.

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
Blimey! Did they give you a hard time?

Lofty:
No, they gave me a carpet!

[repeated line]

Rangi Ram:
Don't be such clever dickie!

Gunner 'Parky' Parkin:
[there is a snake loose in the camp] Why don't we buy a mongoose to frighten it away?

Gunner 'Nobby' Clark:
I didn't know snakes were afraid of geese.

Gunner 'Nosher' Evans:
My Dad thinks I'm good-looking.

Gunner 'Atlas' Mackintosh:
Drinks a lot, does he?

BSM Williams:
Right lovely boys, let's have a look. Oehhhhh, very good. Very artistic. Wait a minute. Gunner Graham?

Gnr Graham:
Sir.

BSM Williams:
Come here.

Gnr Graham:
Sergeant-major.

BSM Williams:
University education.

Gnr Graham:
Yes, yes that's quite right Sergeant-major.

BSM Williams:
How do you spell artillery?

Gnr Graham:
A-R-T-I-L-L-E-R-Y

BSM Williams:
No no. You spell it A-R-T art, I-L-L ill, A-R-Y ary. It's not artillery, it's artillary, artillary! I've been in this regiment 22 years, and I oughta know.

Gnr Graham:
Probably you haven't seen it very often Sergeant-major, it's usually only the initials AR.

BSM Williams:
You trying to make out I don't know how to spell it?

Gnr Graham:
No I...

BSM Williams:
SHUT UP!

BSM Williams:
I didn't send the Bearer Sir, I thought it was far too important to trust a native.

Colonel Reynolds:
Who did you send?

BSM Williams:
Gunner Sugden Sir.

Colonel Reynolds:
That small one with the very high voice?

BSM Williams:
That's right Sir, and the very low head!

Rangi Ram:
There is an old Hindu proverb which says:...

BSM Williams:
Gunner Sugden is next sir. I don't think he will be here very long.

BSM Williams:
March! Left right, left right, left right, left right, move yourself move yourself, move yourself! Salut!

BSM Williams:
Now, the colonel and the captain would ask you questions to see if you're suitable as a bombarbier. Is that clear?

Lofty:
Yes Sergeant-Major.

Captain Ashwood:
Now then sugden, you're on patrol with an officer and 10 man. You see 3 Japanese soldiers entering a thicket. When do you open fire?

Lofty:
How thick is the thicket?

BSM Williams:
The thickness of the thicket has nothing to do with it, answer the question!

Lofty:
What are they going in the thicket for?

Colonel Reynolds:
Good question. What are they going in the thicket for Ashwood?

Captain Ashwood:
It doesn't say sir. I think they're just passing through.

Colonel Reynolds:
I see, when do you open fire Sugden?

Lofty:
Before they entering the thicket?

BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood:
No.

Lofty:
When they're in the thicket?

BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood:
No.

Lofty:
When they come out of the thicket?

BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood:
No.

Lofty:
I failed, haven't I?

BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood:
Yes.

[repeated line]

BSM Williams:
Move yerselves, move yerselves!

[repeated line]

BSM Williams:
Mister la-de-da Gunner Graham.

Colonel Reynolds:
I shan't forget this, Gunner... Gunner...

Lofty:
Sugden, sir.

Colonel Reynolds:
That's right.

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
[the Sergeant-Major has been cursed by a fake holy man, so "Gloria" pretends to be a holy man and take the curse off] OK, Sergeant-Major, you just have to repeat what the holy man says.

Gunner Beaumont:
Oh-waaaaaa!

BSM Williams:
Oh-wa.

Gunner Beaumont:
Ta-naaaaaaaaaaa!

BSM Williams:
Ta-na.

Gunner Beaumont:
Si-aaaaaam!

BSM Williams:
Siam.

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
You have to repeat it.

BSM Williams:
Oh-wa. Ta-na? Siam.

Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons:
Go a little faster, Sergeant-Major.

BSM Williams:
Oh-wa. Ta-na. Siam. Ohwa. Tana. Siam. Ohwa-tana-siam. Ohwatanasiam. Oh-what-an-ass-I-am.

[repeated line]

Captain Ashwood:
Oh, dear, I am a fool, aren't I?

The Concert Party:
[opening song] Meet the gang / 'cos the boys are here / the boys to entertain you / with music and laughter / to help you on your way / to raising the rafters / with a hey, hey, hey / with songs, sketches, and jokes old and new / with us about / you won't feel blue / so meet the gang / 'cos the boys are here / the boys to entertain you / B, O, B O Y S / boys to entertain you!

Rangi Ram:
[the Sgt-Major has managed to annoy a fortune teller] Oh, Sergeant-Major, he is cursing you. He say all your teeth fall out.

BSM Williams:
Oh, dear, how sad, too late.

Colonel Reynolds:
[their faulty plane has just crashed] Right! Evacuate!

Gunner Beaumont:
Blimey! I nearly did!

Colonel Reynolds:
[talking about Gunner Parkin] He'll have to go, you know.

BSM Williams:
Anyone can make a mistake, sir.

Colonel Reynolds:
But he makes so many. I asked him to order 2,000 tent pegs the other day, and do you know what arrived? 2,000 tents!

BSM Williams:
He only missed out a four-letter word, sir.

Colonel Reynolds:
Yes, well, the Quartermaster put in a few!

Captain Ashwood:
His writing's awfully shoddy. That's why we've got a dozen Beaufort's Guns instead of one dozen Booth's Gins.

Rangi Ram:
[Gunner Parkin has mistakenly ordered the Officer's Mess to be demolished] Sergeant-Major, sahib, I have told them to stop, and they have removed roof and one wall only.

BSM Williams:
[to the Colonel] Shouldn't take long to put that back, sir.

Rangi Ram:
Remainder fell down.

[the Maharajah's palace; a fanfare is heard]

The Maharajah:
Ah, that will be my son!

Gunner 'Lofty' Sugden:
He's good on the trumpet, isn't he?

BSM Williams:
Sir , we are going to have 2 hours of Armadillo Mozart.

Colonel Reynolds:
Oh, good heavens, Ashwood; Sergeant Major's doing all that inspecting and stamping around and stuff. We don't want to get involved do we?

Captain Ashwood:
Definitely not, sir.

Captain Ashwood:
How dare you? Do you realise, we've been fighting for people like you?

Station Room Waitress:
Demobs, are you? We get a lot of your sort through here, all wanting us to be grateful. I must have had fifty men fighting for me this week.

Colonel Reynolds:
Did any of them get you?