Izzy & Moe

Mrs. Pearlman:
[after taking Izzy's cigar] Prohibition is here, Mr. E.

Izzy Einstein:
Prohibition is against booze, not cigars.

Mrs. Pearlman:
Only a matter of time.

Izzy Einstein:
Just exactly *where* are you going to put that cigar?

Mrs. Pearlman:
Not exactly where I'd like to, Mr. E. Not exactly where I'd like to.

[toilet flushes]

Izzy Einstein:
I was very fond of that cigar!

Izzy Einstein:
[Speaking to his wife] Vera, I promise: today, I get a job.

Mrs. Pearlman:
Mr. E., the day you make something of your life, I'll light a cigar in Macy's window.

Izzy Einstein:
Oh, Moe, let's face it. What have we done with our lives? Nothing. That crummy vaudeville act we did? That was a lousy act and you know it. And what are we doin' now? You're a two-bit fight promoter, an out-of-work bartender... and me? Most of my life I've gone from job to job, tryin' to make ends meet. It's the end of the line, Moe. And in my opinion, it's been a lousy trip. It's time for us to do something right, something good - while we still got time.

Lt. Murphy:
[Izzy is applying for a job as a Prohibition enforcement agent] Look, old timer, now this is gonna' be one tough occupation. So do you mind if I'm brutally honest? Why the hell do you want the job?

Izzy Einstein:
This is America, Lieutenant. And I'm proud to be an American. I came to this country when I was ten years old. I left behind cruelty and injustice, and arrived here on the shores of freedom, and liberty. I've had a good life. I owe this country a debt I can never repay. But now, I'm going to TRY to repay it.

Lt. Murphy:
[Looking skeptical] Okay, *without* all the hot comedy.

Izzy Einstein:
[Matter-of-factly] I'm dead broke.

Izzy Einstein:
Moe, I've known you for more than 25 years. You're a fraud, a con, and a crook - same as I am. And in every crook, there's a Fed tryin' to get out. I'm going to help you get that Fed out, if it's the last thing I do.

Moe Smith:
Iz, you're not well. You need help - you need a lotta' help.

Mrs. Pearlman:
[Speaking to Izzy] The day you do something important, I'll light your cigar in Macy's window!

Mrs. Pearlman:
[Seeing Izzy putting on a sailor's uniform] You've joined the Navy! My prayers have been answered!

Izzy Einstein:
Huh! You'll have to pray a little louder. This happens to be a disguise that me and Moe are putting on to knock off a speakeasy.

Mrs. Pearlman:
[Turns and walks off] Vera, I TOLD you not to marry a man who puts mayonnaise on his pastrami.

Izzy Einstein:
[to himself, looking puzzled] It's delicious.

Izzy Einstein:
[He and Moe, disguised as sailors, are about to bust a speakeasy] Have you got some spirits? I think an alcoholic beverage would be a great help for my friend.

Bartender:
[Starting to get suspicious] Uh, you boys look a little... *old*. Where'd you get those ribbons?

Izzy Einstein:
[Indignantly] Have you forgotten the Battle of 'Chemin de Fer'? Didn't you participate in the War to End all Wars? Well, we did!

Moe Smith:
Remember the 'Maine'?

Bartender:
'Course I do.

Izzy Einstein:
[Pointing to Moe] Well, he doesn't *have* to. He was ON it!

Izzy Einstein:
All right, folks. I've got some bad news. You've just been raided - by Izzy and Moe.

Moe Smith:
[During a shootout with bootleggers, his arm has been nicked by a bullet] Somebody just put a hole in me... And worse than that, they just put a hole in my suit. First time in my life I spent more than 29 dollars on a suit.

Moe Smith:
[Slightly incredulous] You spent 29 dollars on that suit?

Moe Smith:
Yes!

Izzy Einstein:
Huh! Not only have you been shot - but you've been robbed.