Jake and Amir

Sarah:
[Jake sneezes] Bless you.

Amir:
God bless you. [he then looks around for a response]

Amir:
I'm the only one? I'm the only one who said "God bless you".

Sarah:
*I* said "God bless you"...

Amir:
I said "God bless you". Only after I called you out on it, you inconsiderate b*tch!

Jake:
Jesus Amir, come on!

Amir:
[repeated line, early episodes] Dinner tonight?

[repeated line]

Amir:
Jake. JAKE!

Amir:
If I eat it and two days later I take a crap and it goes in the toilet he doesn't complain about that. But if I put it in the garbage now it's a bigger deal? I don't understand what the difference is.

Amir:
When I was 6 I had a wish too. I had a wish that everybody I knew would be dead. How's that for a wish?

Jake:
How did you get crabs?

Amir:
That's how she said. [laughs]

Jake:
How she said what?

Amir:
A how-she says what?

Jake:
You're getting further away from it.

Amir:
You're a how-she.

Amir:
She is an angry b*tch, but she is calm.

Amir:
So what're you doing here, Huddy?

Doobs:
You can't call me that anymore, A-Squeer!

Amir:
No!

Doobs:
Yes! BECAUSE AS OF 3 SECONDS AGO I HAVE LITERALLY CHANGED MY NAME YET AGAIN, TO PENIS DICKLING "THE GOOSE!" OW!WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

Jake:
Is that what you think a Goose sounds like?

Amir:
Now what am I gonna call him?

Jake:
I don't know, Penis is still bad. I mean, Dickling is awful!

Amir:
Mr.Goose!

Doobs:
OOOOOOHHHHH,curse you!

Jake:
That was like the nicest thing you could have called him.

Sulu Candles:
"In the audience, we have the director. The writer, its star, its pro-dic-er, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the sensational Mr...

Doobs:
Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal! Try making fun of that name, A-queer!

Amir:
No!

Doobs:
Yes!

Amir:
Sorry, Scarjo!

Doobs:
OOOOHHHooohhOOH! Curse you!

Jake:
Scarjo isn't bad! In fact, if you took away Scarlett Johansson your name would just be Penis Anal!

Doobs:
Oh, I'd love to just be "Penis Anal!"

Amir:
And I'd love to take out Scarlett Johansson.

Amir:
Hey your amazing. And your beautiful!

Jake:
Just introduce the video!

Amir:
I love you...

Amir:
It's a movie... but it's also a sweater?

Amir:
Oh sheesh y'all, 'twas a dream!

Amir:
Is that a fact, or is this another case of the Jake's?

Amir:
There you go again with the 'talkie-talkie' you sound like the freaking cop I punched!