Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map

[Jeff and Walter are doing a show in Liverpool]

Walter:
You guys have all the crazy tourists wanting to see where the Beatles are from. You know, we in the U.S., we have the same thing with Elvis Presley: Graceland, in Memphis.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah?

Walter:
Oh yeah. Shut up, no one cares here.

Bubba J:
Do they have NASCAR in the UK? [pronounces it "uck"]

Jeff Dunham:
In the what?

Bubba J:
In the UK? [again pronounces it "uck"]

Jeff Dunham:
No, it's UK. [pronounces it correctly, as "U-K"]

Bubba J:
Oh, you can spell.

Peanut:
Did you know that every single city in Iceland is named after the sound a cat makes when throwing up a hairball?

[Jeff and Achmed are doing a show in Norway]

Achmed:
Can we go to IKEA?

Jeff Dunham:
This is Norway. IKEA's in Sweden.

Achmed:
Oh, too bad. I wanted to give IKEA a new advertising slogan.

Jeff Dunham:
And what's that?

Achmed:
IKEA'l you!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] Did you know that Iceland has one of the highest life expectancies in the entire world?

Walter:
I did not know that.

Jeff Dunham:
Especially women.

Walter:
Yeah?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, here, a woman's average lifespan is ninety to a hundred years. [long pause]

Walter:
Send my wife home immediately! What is this, hell on Earth?

Jeff Dunham:
[to Bubba J] What do you think about Iceland?

Bubba J:
Uh, do they have beer?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
My favorite place ever!

[Jeff and Achmed are doing a show in the United Arab Emirates]

Achmed:
Greetings, infid... er, uh, folks!

[Jeff and Peanut are in England]

Peanut:
I love this country because just about everything is double entendre.

Jeff Dunham:
Like what?

Peanut:
Oh, come on. Even the food: bangers and mash. Come on!

Jeff Dunham:
That's sausages and potatoes.

Peanut:
It sounds more like a male dance team. Or two guys dating. I don't want to be mash.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter, as they do a show in England] Have you learned anything since we've been here?

Walter:
Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham like to be called Brummies.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Walter:
So I took that knowledge forward. Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland do not like to be called Scummies. Oh, they got all pissed off. I don't know what the hell they were saying. Have you ever tried to talk to angry Scot? Good God!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Bubba J] You know, even though it's named Iceland, did you know that the winters here are fairly mild?

Bubba J:
No. Guess they should've called it Chile.

Jeff Dunham:
[introduction] Five continents, twelve countries, nineteen cities, fifty thousand miles, five characters, one dead terrorist. We're all over the map.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know they have the oldest tree in Norway, right here in Bergen?

Walter:
Fascinating. If I wanted to see some old wood, I'd take a Viagra.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know golf was invented in Scotland?

Walter:
[not impressed] Fascinating. Do you know what else was invented here? Being in public and yelling "SH*T!"

Jeff Dunham:
Well Achmed, we've been going all over the place.

Achmed:
We have.

Jeff Dunham:
Do you know where we are?

Achmed:
Well, we've been going so many places, I'd lost track. [looks out at the audience] And we... um... um... what's with all the Jews?

Jeff Dunham:
We're in Israel.

Achmed:
[laughs] That's so funny, yeah, OK, Israel. Yeah, that's really funny. [sees Jeff is serious] What?

Jeff Dunham:
We're in Tel Aviv.

Achmed:
[whimpers, shudders] As in Israeli army? Holy crap. Well, I'm already dead, what the hell.

Jeff Dunham:
So explain what you do for a living.

Achmed:
I am a Francais terroriste.

Jeff Dunham:
A French terrorist?

Achmed:
Oui, oui.

Jeff Dunham:
So you strongly agree?

Achmed:
No, I have to go wee-wee!

Achmed:
[as Jacques Merde] Bonjour, American pig!

Jeff Dunham:
So you're French?

Achmed:
Oui, oui. C'est Francais.

Jeff Dunham:
Uh-huh. And your name is Jacques?

Achmed:
Oui, oui, Je m'apelle Jacques.

Jeff Dunham:
And what is your last name?

Achmed:
Merde.

[audience laughs]

Achmed:
What are they laughing at? My name is Jacques Merde. I do not understand what they are laughing at.

Jeff Dunham:
I think Merde is translated into...

[whispers in Achmed's ear]

Achmed:
[shocked] I am Jack Sh*t?

Peanut:
I have a joke.

Jeff Dunham:
All right.

Peanut:
What do you call women in Ireland?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know, what do you call women in Ireland?

Peanut:
You call them women, you chauvinist bastard!

Jeff Dunham:
[to Bubba J] So what do you think about Dublin so far?

Bubba J:
Oh, uh, uh, this is the land of beer.

Jeff Dunham:
That's right.

Bubba J:
I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin, I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land. And this is the biggest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I've ever been to.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Walter] Did you see the O'Connell Bridge?

Walter:
No, what's that?

Jeff Dunham:
It's the only bridge in Europe that's as wide as it is long.

Walter:
Oh, I married her. Is it a toll bridge?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
Oh. Well, that's another thing my wife and the bridge have in common.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
No one would ever pay to get across her, either.

Jeff Dunham:
[In Kuala Lumpur] After we booked this show, we were contacted by the Malaysian Ministry of Arts, History and Culture. [boos from audience] And they asked me very nicely and sternly to not bring a certain character to the show tonight. [boos] They even said "Please do not even mention his name." But I know that you people are here because you've seen stuff on YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone. [cheers] However, I want to respect the request as I am a guest here but at the same time, you paid your money to see what you thought you were going to see. That certain person is not here. However, his brother is here. He is from France: please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist.

Achmed:
I love Dublin! I would never do anything evil to Dublin.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed:
I'm afraid of the soccer fans.

Peanut:
[to Jeff] I heard you say earlier that in Singapore, if you break certain laws, they beat you with a stick. [Jeff laughs] Well, maybe while we're here, Jose can pick up a little extra work.

Jeff Dunham:
[to Bubba J] I know a little fact: did you know that people in Scotland buy 40 bottles of whiskey every second? [long pause]

Bubba J:
This is my favorite country ever.

Walter:
[as they do a show in Abu Dhabi] Holy crap. [long pause; Walter laughs nervously] Uh, you're not gonna... [stammers and mumbles]

Jeff Dunham:
What are you trying to say?

Walter:
[stammers and mumbles some more, then whispers in Jeff's ear] No Achmed, no Achmed. [the audience applauds] Can you not frickin' see out there?

Jeff Dunham:
I will talk to Achmed about this later.

Walter:
[whimpers] Can I get in the box and get the f*** out first? It's not a good idea! We're not in Israel!

Jeff Dunham:
I know.

Jeff Dunham:
[answering a question for Achmed submitted from the audience] "Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you?"

Achmed:
[infuriated] You a**hole! Yes! And so does potatoes, corn beef and f***ing sunlight.

Jeff Dunham:
I read the other day that Scotland is actually the... I've saved this fact for you - the murder capital of Europe.

[laughter as Achmed looks around nervously]

Achmed:
I didn't do it! I have nothing to do with this sh*t!

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know bagpipes have existed in Scotland since the 14th century?

Achmed:
That is probably about the time the murder rate went up.

Achmed:
Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?

Jeff Dunham:
Why do you say that?

Achmed:
Sometime she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed:
Oh, sure. She'd say "I kilt you".

[laughter]

Achmed:
Kilt? Kilt? Get it? Kilt? "I kilt you"?

Peanut:
[in the middle of his set in the United Arab Emirates, an audience member stands up and leaves] Wait, wait! Come back, come back, come back! COME BACK! You're one of the guys I really want to love me!

[laughter; Peanut face-palms]

Peanut:
Is it the red cape? Does that... is that... is there something wrong with that? Is it? Did I say "ham"?

[laughter]

Peanut:
Oh, my god, your name is offensive.

[sing-song]

Peanut:
DunHAM! Is he coming back? Did he have to go...

[whispering]

Peanut:
...potty?

[laughter]

Peanut:
Do you pick it up, or pull it down? Or is there a little flap?

[laughter; Jeff face-palms]

Jeff Dunham:
I... I have no idea if we're offending anybody, just stop!

Peanut:
I don't care; I go home in a suitcase.

[laughter]

Peanut:
You're right. I'd better watch it, or you could be going home in a box, too.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that the very first x-ray was taken right here in Birmingham, England in 1896?

Achmed:
Pah! You call it an x-ray; I call it a selfie.

[laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
So what did you do today?

Achmed:
I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures.

Jeff Dunham:
Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

Achmed:
No, no. Parliament.