Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jimmy Kimmel:
Didn't you get bit by a spider or something?

Chester Bennington:
Yes, I got bit on my ass by a spider. And I thought that I had cancer but...

Jimmy Kimmel:
...it turns out you have super powers!

Chester Bennington:
It turns out now that I can climb buildings, and save people from criminal acts.

[repeated last lines]

Jimmy Kimmel:
My apologies to Matt Damon, we're out of time!

Himself - Host:
[opening introduction] From Hollywood, it's *this idiot's show*!

[picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the caption "Idiot"]

Himself - Host:
With Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and musical guest Matt Damon. Da da da dahhhh, It's Jim-my Kim-mel Sucks! Finally, MATT DAMON!

Himself - Host:
Siri, who is the greatest stand-up comedian in the world?

Siri:
Definitely *not* Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.

Himself - Host:
Well, that's a given. But do a search for a world-class comedian in the immediate area who can come finish my monologue.

Siri:
Searching for a world-class comedian in the immediate area.

Siri:
I believe I have found someone close to you.

Himself - Host:
Well, send him in.

[Enter Robin Williams]

[after Jimmy's attempt to audition for the role of Bob Tenor in "Stuck on You"]

Greg Kinnear:
Can we look into Matt Damon? He'll do it.

Himself - Host:
If the movie was called "Suck on You" he'd do it.

[Ben has been trying to override Matt's attempts to smear Jimmy Kimmel]

Ben Affleck:
Forget it, Man! I couldn't do it to JIMMY!

Himself - Host:
[as Ben is leaving] Aw, come on, Ben. Please!

Ben Affleck:
[to Matt and Jimmy] I never wanted it to end this way.

Himself - Host:
[Ben has left] He doesn't even LOVE YOU the way I love you! You'll see!

Himself - Host:
[to the audience] He'll see.

[after Jimmy's repeated attempts to audition for the role of David Norris in "The Adjustment Bureau"]

Emily Blunt:
[to the director] What is this? Is this a pity reading?

Himself - Host:
No no no. Don't think like that. You're here on your *own* merits.

Emily Blunt:
But I've been cast.

Himself - Host:
[to the director] Will you tell her she's here on her own merits?

Emily Blunt:
I've been cast in this movie.

Himself - Host:
[to the director] She thinks this is a pity reading.

[after seeing a montage of all the times Jimmy bumped Matt]

Himself - Host:
[diabolical laughter] We ran out of time. We ran out of time. That's, that's pretty funny. But tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you Jimmy? No, *I* ran out of time for *you*.

[Jimmy groans off camera]

Himself - Host:
What's that, Jimmy? [camera moves over to reveal Jimmy Kimmel tied to a chair and gagged]

Himself - Host:
Is there a new host in town? And his initials are M. D. That's right! The *doctor* is in.

[watch beeps]

Himself - Host:
Jimmy, that's our cue. We wouldn't want to miss the opening sequence. Da da da, da da da, da da daaaaaa.

[cut to opening introduction]

Matt Damon:
I don't know why I keep coming back to do this because every time I do, he makes me look like a complete idiot. You know what, Jimmy, I have something to say. You're a big...

dubbed Matt Damon:
genius,

Matt Damon:
and my...

dubbed Matt Damon:
penis is very small.

Matt Damon:
What do you think about THAT?

dubbed Matt Damon:
And Boston sucks!

[Matt is trying to promote Elysium, but Guillermo is promoting Estupido]

Guillermo:
[in Spanish] I'm very proud of this movie. This is the best movie I've ever made. It's about a stupid man who has a friend named Ben, who is also stupid. And he's from Boston. He is very stupid.

Matt Damon:
[in Spanish] Do you know I speak Spanish?

Guillermo:
No you don't.

Matt Damon:
Yes I... [exasperated] Why am I even talking to you?

Guillermo:
Coming this summer, a real *stupid* actor in the role of a lifetime. Mr. Matt Damian is ASS FACE! From the makers of "We Bought A Zoo".

Wesley Kimmel:
What are you doing here? No one is supposed to know about us.

Desiree Hartsock:
Wesley, I love you. I've always loved you.

Wesley Kimmel:
Then why did you leave me?

Desiree Hartsock:
You left ME. To go into The Baby Bachelor.

Wesley Kimmel:
You went on The Bachelorette.

Desiree Hartsock:
[sorrowful] Oh, Wes...

Jesse Escobedo:
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Wesley Kimmel:
Oh, no. Jess.

Jesse Escobedo:
[referring to Desiree] Who the hell is SHE?

Desiree Hartsock:
I'm Desiree. And who are you?

Jesse Escobedo:
I'm your worst nightmare, honey!

Wesley Kimmel:
Jesse, this is not a healthy relationship. Jesse, you're not nice to me, and I'm leaving.

Jesse Escobedo:
[later] WATCH YOUR BACK, WESLEY! This is not over yet!

Desiree Hartsock:
I cannot *wait* to marry Wesley.

Desiree Hartsock:
[in the limo] Driver. Take us to the Courthouse!

Wesley Kimmel:
And MAKE IT SNAPPY!

Jesse Escobedo:
Sure thing!

Desiree Hartsock, Wesley Kimmel:
[the doors suddenly lock] Oh, no! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Jesse Escobedo:
[diabolical laughter] Ha Ha Ha Ha!

[limo speeds off]

[describing Wesley]

Desiree Hartsock:
He's everything I ever wanted in a toddler.

Wesley Kimmel:
Let's get married right now.

Desiree Hartsock:
But aren't you already married to Jesse?

Wesley Kimmel:
That's why I have lawyers.

Jon Hamm:
I, like most middle linebackers, had a love of musical theater.

[Matt is reading a Mean Tweet, written by @JimmyKimmel]

Matt Damon:
Too bad they don't give an Oscar for blowing ass because Matt Damon would win every year. Go buy another zoo and live in it, Bourne I-D*ckhead. #nodisrespecttobenaffleck

Matt Damon:
[notices that Jimmy is watching him] Are you wearing yoga pants?

Himself - Host:
[embarrassed] No.

[Jimmy walks away]

Matt Damon:
[to the audience] He's wearing yoga pants.

[Jimmy has been performing a script for Friends that he wrote, now his co-stars are all leaving]

Himself - Host:
Wait, wait, hold on a second! There's no exit. There's NO EXIT! We have 22 more pages and the love-making scene.

Jennifer Aniston:
[disgusted] Make love to YOURSELF, Jimmy!

Jimmy Kimmel:
My heart says Edward, but my head says Jacob... and then my stomach says Hot Pockets, and it's confusing.

Jimmy Kimmel:
We gotta get that Justin Bieber in the next movie. I mean, it could be...

Twilight fans:
[screaming] NO!

Jimmy Kimmel:
[good-naturedly changing course] Or - or, I was gonna say, we could all kill him.

[the crowd erupts in cheers]