Kidô senkan Nadeshiko

[Repeated line]

Ruri Hoshino:
Idiots. They're all idiots.

Ruri Hoshino:
I guess we're *all* idiots.

[repeated line]

Yurika Misumaru:
Akito! Akiiiiiito!

Ruri Hoshino:
Mr. Jiro Yamada is ready.

Gai:
Gai Daigoji! Jiro Yamada is the boring name my mother gave me, Gai Daigoji is the name of my soul!

Ryoko:
Got him!

Izumi:
"Got him?" Isn't that where Batman lives?

[repeated line]

Akito:
What would Gai do?

[repeated line]

Ryoko:
[at Akito] Dork.

Customer 1:
[during an air raid on Earth] Dudes, the fry cook's freaking out!

Customers:
Huh?

[all gather around the kitchen - Akito hyperventilates over a frying pan]

Customer 2:
Hey, your fry cook's not sick, is he?

Akito's Boss:
Nah, just scared.

Customer 3:
Of what?

Akito's Boss:
The Jovians.

Akito:
[flashing back, yelling] Ahhhh!

[looks at frying pan, suddenly nonchalant]

Akito:
Ah, damn, I burned it!

Admiral:
Leaving, Captain?

Yurika:
[stumbling] Oh... I know! Jun could take command for just a little bit! Couldn't you, Jun, huh?

Jun:
Not without a good reason.

Yurika:
Oh... Ah! [leaves a Gekigangar doll with a tag reading "Captain"] That ought to do it! Geki, take command! [salutes]

Jun:
Are you nuts? [throws the doll, which lands at Ruri's post]

Ruri:
[to Geki doll] You'd probably do a better job.

Izumi:
The ship is but a shell. Its hull lies in vacuum hell. No robot bug nor alien race chills my soul as cold as space... or something like that. I'm sorry! Sometimes I get moody.

Ryoko:
And that's the understatement of the year!

[Akito walks to vending machine after a battle. Ryoko cuts him off]

Ryoko:
*I'll* buy.

Hikaru:
[wearing novelty spring eyeglasses] You left us with our eyes bugging out!

Izumi:
[deadpan] You knocked us dead.

Akito:
Jeez, is everyone in this firefight screwing around except me?

Akito:
Gah! I hate inertia! I hate it!

Minato:
Thank you, Ruri-ruri!

Ruri:
Huh?

Ryoko:
[shouting] Will you all just *shut up!* If my Tenkawa says he didn't do anything then we should trust him! [calmly] Not that I really care, anyway.

[pause]

Hikaru, Izumi:
[taunting] "My?"

Ryoko:
What... does that mean?

Hikaru:
You just called him "My Tenkawa," Ryoko!

Izumi:
How possessive!

Ryoko:
Will you two keep the channels clear! We're supposed to be on standby!

Hikaru, Izumi:
[chanting] My Tenkawa! My Tenkawa! My Tenkawa!

Ruri:
By the way, the enemy's attacking.

Yurika:
By the way Akito, just how did you, me and Fressange get down there?

Hikaru:
[amused] And what were you doing?

Megumi:
[angry] Yeah, I'd like to know as well! How could you sneak off during an alert? It's disgraceful. If Miss Fressange weren't there I bet the two of you would've been...

Minato, Ruri:
Doing what?

Akito:
Listen! I don't know what happened or how we got there! If you're all so hung up on finding out, why don't you ask *Miss Fressange?*

[Fressange is sleeping]

Akito:
She's still asleep?

All:
Mm-hm.

Akito:
That doesn't mean anything at all!

Izumi:
[about Akito] There's trouble with the old flame.

Hikaru:
Their childhood friendship certainly has gotten chewy!

Izumi:
And since his relationship the chanteuse has hit a sour note...

Izumi, Hikaru:
[to Ryoko]... It's your chance, lover-girl!

Jun:
You know, Erina's pretty bossy for someone who's just a helmswoman.

Mr. Prospector:
Well, she used to be the chairman of Nergal's secretary. And she's also a bit of a b...

Erina:
You two! Return to your places at once!

Jun, Mr. Prospector:
Yes, ma'am.

Ruri:
System administration is my responsibility. If someone is to be held responsible, it would be me for leaving my post. I apologize.

Uribatake:
[to the viewer] Could it be that cool and logical Ruri is actually covering for the Captain?

Hikaru:
[also to the viewer] Is she discovering her human feelings?

Ruri:
Idiots.

Akito:
This might sound kind of strange coming from me, but I get worried when you're not all spastic.

Yurika:
You know me better than I know myself, and I know you'd never waste something this precious.

[pause]

Akito:
Um, waste what?

Yurika:
Oh Akito, I know you know I've never been kissed before!

Akito:
Huh? Wait a second! What do you mean you've never been kissed?

Yurika:
I'm waiting for true love!

Akito:
[shouting] You don't remember?

Yurika:
Well done, pilot! I mean, thank you Akito... dear.

Akito:
Has she really forgotten our first kiss?

Yurika:
Hm?

Akito:
Oh, nothing! [laughs]

Ryoko:
[under attack] Hey, that thing's got a drill! No way! No freaking way! Somebody! Hikaru! Izumi! Tenkawa! Please!

[Hikaru and Izumi destroy the robot]

Ryoko:
[relieved] Thanks, guys.

Izumi:
So *whose* name did you just yell?

Hikaru:
[giggling] Yes, I heard it too, Izumi!

Ryoko:
No! You guys just misunderstood! I... just forgot that he wasn't here, that's all!

Hikaru, Izumi:
[taunting] Tenkawa!

Izumi:
Man this snow is abominable... abominable snowman. [snickers]

Hikaru:
Did you understand that at all, Izumi? Ew, creepy, you're sleeping with your eyes open again!

Fressange:
Hold it, Ruri. This program is being made for little children! Now read from the script like you're supposed to do and face the camera and for goodness sake, smile!

Ruri:
Smile?

Yurika:
That's right, Ruri! Just relax and pretend like you're a normal kid!

Ruri:
Sun-swept beaches, hot sun, and nasty ramen noodles. We tried to have fun, but in the end, we found ourselves in the middle of another military idiocy. Is it any wonder this crew is getting all stressed out? I'm beginning to wonder if a lot of them aren't so much resilient as just incredibly dense.

Adm. Munetake:
Three special demolition teams have been sent in so far, but not a single person has yet returned.

Mr. Prospector:
[calculating] What a waste of our resources.

Yurika:
But none of those teams had the Nadesico. Our gravity blast cannon should do it!

Jun:
Of course! A long range strike is perfect.

Yurika:
We'll blow them away!

Erina:
It is the safest way.

Mr. Prospector:
[calculating] And it's also very efficient, economically speaking.

Megumi:
Even better - the Aestivalis won't be vulnerable to an attack this way.

Minato:
Don't beat around the bush, Megumi - you're worried about a pilot, not a robot.

Megumi:
[blushing] Well, I suppose I might.

Minato:
And I'll bet that pleases someone else.

Yurika:
[angrily] We'll start preparing for this immediately!

Adm. Munetake:
The Walking Stick's gravity rail gun is unstoppable. As soon as it's recharged, they'll shoot us right through the mountain. That's how all the other previous teams were destroyed.

Yurika:
Okay, so why didn't you tell us this before now?

Adm. Munetake:
Oh. Didn't I mention it?

Fressange:
I've calculated that it will take twelve hours to create another black hole. We were hit at 1700 hours so that gives us until 500... [continues]

Yurika:
Yes! Thank you, Miss Fressange! Can't you ever tell us anything nice for a change?

Megumi:
Um, Akito... Don't worry, I'm using a private communications channel so no one else can hear us. We really need to talk. I know that you're going up against that awful Walking Stick all by yourself... [a technician calls into the cockpit to clear Akito for takeoff as Megumi continues talking]... I know that this may be a little forward-sounding of me, but I've been thinking about this an awful lot, and I think I'm ready to advance our relationship to the next step!

Akito:
Uh, hold on a second, Megumi. I've got a priority message.

Yurika:
Akito? Don't worry, Akito. I'm using a private communication channel so no one can hear us. Can we talk now? [Akito looks around frantically, Howmei taps on the glass outside trying to get Akito's attention while Yurika continues talking]... I hope I'm not sounding too forward in saying this, Akito, but once you get back, I'm expecting that our relationship will...

Akito:
[monotone]... Will advance a lot farther, right?

Yurika:
Oh Akito! I'm so happy to finally hear you say it!

Akito:
[frantically] Wait! That's not what I meant! [mutes both channels] This is crazy! I'm trapped. [pause]

Ryoko:
[shouting] Tenkawa!

Akito:
[holding hands together] I'm so sorry, God! I don't know why you're doing this to me, but I swear I'll be a good person from now on! Really!

Ryoko:
What are you babbling about? Miss Howmei's been banging on your cockpit. Didn't you notice her?

Howmei:
[waving] It's about time you noticed me!

Ryoko:
Dork.

Howmei:
Normal rations are way too bland, so I've loaded you up with lots of food.

Akito:
But that's way more than we'd ever need!

Howmei:
A good chef needs to be able to cook anything his customers might want.

Ryoko:
My God! Is there a single female on this entire stupid ship who doesn't have some kind of thing for you? [Akito groans]

Uribatake:
[yelling] Quit playing the martyr! What is it with you? It's just not fair!

Male Technicians:
If you don't want them, give them to us! We're available!

[Akito sits humming by a river. Ryoko clears her throat]

Akito:
Oh, uh, Ryoko, h-hey.

Ryoko:
I swear, Tenkawa, you're such a dork.

Akito:
W-what did I do this time?

Ryoko:
Don't talk. Eat. [holds out a large bowl]

Akito:
But... why?

Ryoko:
'Cause you were so busy cooking for us, you didn't eat. So eat! Jeez! I don't know what it is about you that drives me so nutty! [faltering] I didn't mean nutty that way, so don't read anything into it, okay?

Akito:
Oh.

Ryoko:
Will you just eat?

Akito:
Oh, sure. Oh, hey! This tastes pretty good!

Ryoko:
Of course it does - you cooked it!

Akito:
Oh, right. [both laugh]

Ryoko:
Dork!

Akatsuke:
Hey, break it up you two. This is a daring military adventure we're trying to tell here, not a coming-of-age movie for teenagers. And I'd watch out for him anyway, Ryoko. He *is* an anime fan.

Akito:
And what does that mean?

Akatsuke:
Oh, come on. Everyone knows that in anime the guys who act uninterested are just trying to hide their own inadequacies. Don't you think Mr. Platonic Relationship here is just a little too good to be true? Are you really buying his act?

Akito:
What?

Akatsuke:
Oh, I'm not saying you're not really good at leading the ladies on. After all, you've certainly got the Captain and Megumi snowed under. You play the pitiful act well.

Akito:
And you're a jerk! Why do you keep knocking my hobby?

Akatsuke:
Because I live in the real world, while you use anime as a substitute.

Akito:
I just don't understand you at all.

Akatsuke:
That's my line exactly.

Izumi:
[a group of tanks approaches] I had a little drink, and got tanked. [snickers]

Akatsuke:
Great work, everyone. And that even includes the anime fan.

Hikaru:
This gives me a great idea for my next comic book!

Izumi:
It won't be another one of those guy-guy things, will it?

Erina:
The Admiral is waiting. Why are you still in your room, pilot?

Akito:
Uh, I'll pass, thank you. I'm not comfortable around that little creep.

Erina:
You still think he was involved with Lt. Yamada's death? Weren't you aware that one of the Admiral's subordinates has already confessed and was court-martialed for that crime?

Akito:
Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.

Erina:
Well, if you don't show, the Captain might think you were trying to get her attention.

Akito:
Huh? What's that mean?

Erina:
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Ruri:
Well, the Nadesico has joined the United Earth Forces, but either they don't want us or they don't know what to do with us. We've had two new arrivals, both of whom are clueless and extremely annoying, very irritating people. And what began as a love triangle is now a septagon by my count. It's really getting hopeless.

Adm. Munetake:
The Nadesico has been selected to investigate a new type of chulip that apparently landed on Tenetian Island. And why was that? Because of *my* leadership! That's right! The Supreme Commander has finally noticed how I've turned this ship around. [shouting] So where the hell is my crew? Why hasn't anyone come to the bridge to listen to my brilliant orders? What's going on here?

Yurika:
[cooking] Doesn't that look good? We all know what boys like, right? If that Megumi is going to play dirty, then I'll fight fire with fire! After all, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Howmei:
I wondered why she wanted to use the kitchen, but now I see.

Yurika:
[coking for Akito] Oh no! It's burning! Fire! What's going on?

Howmei:
Tenkawa sure is unlucky.

Jun:
How depressing. There's nothing more lonely than eating instant noodles by yourself for sixteen days. [Yurika walks toward him with a silver platter] No! Could it be? Do I see a special meal baked with love? Could it possibly be for me?

Yurika:
[walking past] Good night, Jun.

Jun:
Y-Yurika?

Ruri:
They're all idiots.

Yurika:
I made this just for you! Please, try some.

Akito:
Well... [recoils as he lifts the platter]

Yurika:
Well go on! Just dig in! I'm sure you'll love it! Pretty please?

[Akito forces down a spoonful, turns bright red, then pale blue, and shouts painfully]

Megumi:
[running with a glass] Oh my gosh! Akito! Are you all right?

Akito:
Water!

Megumi:
Oh my goodness! Akito, try this special stamina drink I just made. So what happened in here? It smells like a poison gas attack!

[Akito drinks from the glass and swirls cover his face, he shouts painfully again]

Yurika:
Just what the in heck was in that stamina juice?

Megumi:
Um, milk, water, vinegar, Tabasco sauce, cod liver oil, brewer's yeast, oatmeal, powdered mushrooms, and a couple of different energy drinks as a base.

Uribatake:
Come on! Step right up! Who wants a trip to the beach without the ever-popular greasy hotdogs, soggy ramen noodles and melted snowcones? Fortunately for you, I'm here to continue that tradition! Uribatake's Beachside Deli is now open for business!

Jun:
Ramen, please.

Uribatake:
You betcha! Swish and swirl, swish and swirl, swish and swirl and rinse! Now eat it!

Jun:
[eating] That's nasty.

Uribatake:
That's the tradition, kiddo!

Aqua:
I'm so excited! Maybe we're all going to die now! Wouldn't that be so romantic?

Aqua:
Ever since I was a child I've been given everything I ever wanted. Everything except the one thing I wanted most: misery! I long to experience true sadness! To be a tragic heroine!

Yurika:
Tragic?

Megumi:
Heroine?

Aqua:
Being too happy was the cause of my unhappiness! But in dying with my lover I shall experience true anguish! God wanted me to suffer, so he sent that chulip to me!

Akito:
Ah! Let go of me you out-of-your-mind crazy person!

Yurika:
Beat the living crap out of him, please!

Yurika:
[cornering Akito with plates of food] You ate that crazy girl's cooking, didn't you?

Megumi:
If you ate hers, you ought to be able to try mine at least!

Akito:
[cowering] Please, I just want to live!

Ryoko:
[entering] Um, Akito, I just thought I'd try my hand at cooking as well!

Akito:
[running] Please! Somebody help me!

Yurika:
Akito!

Ryoko:
Tenkawa!

Megumi:
Akito!

Seiya:
[Uribatake, Akatsuki, and Jun eat instant noodles while Yurika, Megumi, and Ryoko chase Akito with plates of food] Lucky bastard.

Akatsuki:
They say that one person's misery can be another one's paradise. At least we can savor his suffering.

Jun:
Well *I* still envy him.

Yurika:
[after walking in on Akito changing] Well at least I know you've grown up to be a healthy young man, so I'll forgive you this time.

Akito:
*You'll* forgive *me*? *You're* the one who barged in, Yurika!

Yurika:
Oh, good! You're still willing to call me Yurika even though I'm your captain now!

Akito:
[uncomfortably] Huh?

Yurika:
Don't you remember how you used to chase me around yelling "Yurika! Yurika!" everywhere we went?

Akito:
Well, actually... [flashback]

Young Yurika:
[following a young Akito] Akito! Akito! Please wait for me, Akito! [trips and cries] I'm sorry, Akito!

Akito:
Now that's how *I* remember it being.

Yurika:
Are you really sure?

[During an intruder alert, Akito is watching Gekigangar III when new pilot Hikaru bursts out of an overhead duct]

Gekigangar Announcer:
[On TV] Thanks to the sacrifice of Joe Umitsubame, General Masaka has been driven back! But now, Gekigangar III is missing a pilot! Will they be able to recover from this loss? [Hikaru sobs, then bursts out at Akito]

Hikaru:
[shouting] Isn't Joe totally most awesome?

Akito:
[confused] Well, I, um...

Hikaru:
I only found out about Gekigangar III a little while ago but I'm already completely hooked! I was thinking of doing my own version as an amateur comic book, what do you think about that? Only in my version Joe and Ken are shounen-ai and they meet a girl who looks just like me!

[long pause]

Akito:
Um, Miss?

Hikaru:
Huh?

Akito:
Who are you... and why were you crawling around inside my ceiling?

Hikaru:
Oh, leaping lizards! I guess you would wanna know about that, huh?

Mr. Hory:
And what about the other Aestivalis pilots?

Ryoko:
You got me. They could be alive or blown to bits.

[Hikaru and Akito enter the hangar bay]

Hikaru:
[shouting] I'm still alive! [Ryoko jumps] Hi there! I'm Hikaru Amano and I'm an Aestivalis pilot just like Ryoko is! I'm eighteen, my blood type is B and my favorite foods are pizza crust and soggy rice crackers! It's so nice to be working with you! [Blows party horn] Um, would you like to know some more about me?

All:
Uh, no.

Ryoko:
Well, I suppose two out of three isn't too bad.

Izumi:
[over radio] It is if you're the third.

Hikaru:
Izumi? Oh, you're alive! Where are you Izumi?

Izumi:
[over radio] Where am I? Where is anyone really? As Schroedinger might say, the answer is in the box.

[Everyone turns toward a crate. Ryoko opens it, Izumi rises from steam]

Izumi:
[rasping, reaching upward] I live! I breathe! [coughs, starts laughing] So the cat *is* alive!

Ryoko:
No! [rushes Izumi and tries to force the crate closed]

Izumi:
There's no need to pack me in again, Ryoko! I've already been canned once today. [pauses, then cracks up]

Ruri:
As the latest and greatest technological achievement of the Nergal Corporation , the Battleship Nadesico pretty much runs itself. Consequently, there's not much to do at times like this. The only people who have to be on standby are Megumi, the communications officer, and myself. Minato, the helmswoman, has taken to sleeping in late.

Ms. Minato:
[in bed] Well, I *was* up late.

Ruri:
That's what she always says.

[Yurika asks the computer for an explanation of the role of a captain]

Ruri:
It's finished. It's a complete analysis of modern trends in captains. "Since the conclusion of the Second World War, no noteworthy captains have been recorded. In an age such as today when all aspects of combat have been systematically integrated into a comprehensive war strategy, the decisions made by the captain of one ship cannot elicit a reversal in the strategic flow of the events in a battle. The most important duty of a captain, then, is to be a figurehead - a symbolic representation of the warship. Previously, reliable-looking elderly men were popular, but recently there has been a marked increase in the number of younger, attractive male and female captains: a reflection of the contemporary need to motivate the youth with something sexy to look at."

Yurika:
[faltering] That can't be right, Ruri. It's saying that it doesn't...

Megumi:
[casually] It's saying that it doesn't matter who the captain is anymore.

Ruri:
Megumi...

Megumi:
Yes, I know, I'm cruel and vicious, aren't I?

Ruri:
Very.

Megumi:
[sighs] But how can I help it?

Akito:
Why do you stock all of these spices here, Miss Howmei? This isn't a fancy restaurant, it's just a ship's cafeteria.

Howmei:
Ah, but that's just why I do it. You see, back in the days when I first started as a ship's cook, a young soldier, who was about to die, told me, in a very weak voice, that if he could have some paella like his mother used to make, he could die happy.

Akito:
Paella?

Howmei:
I thought I was a good cook, but all I could really make was Chinese dishes. I did my best, but I didn't really know how to prepare paella, so what I cooked for him was more like fried rice than the real thing, but even if I had known how to prepare paella, I couldn't have, because our ship's stores didn't stock saffron, one of the most important ingredients. He ate it anyway and said, "Thank you, it was good. But it didn't taste the way my mother used to make it." I've never forgotten that. That's the story behind that spice rack. I swore that never again would I be unable to prepare a soldier's last supper exactly the way his mother would have.

Akito:
Miss Howmei, please teach me! I want to be a better cook, too!

Howmei:
I'll try, but I think you have something more important to do.

Yurika:
[dreaming while in trance] You don't have to be shy, you know! I know you like me, Akito!

Akito:
And just who told you that?

Yurika:
Nobody has to tell me, silly boy! I know it in my heart!

Ryoko:
Are you so sure?

[Ryoko, Izumi, and Hikaru appear]

Izumi:
Akito Tenkawa belongs to me!

Hikaru:
Akito Tenkawa belongs to me!

Ryoko:
Akito Tenkawa belongs to me!

Yurika:
Don't go! Wait! Akito, come back!

[Akito laughs and is surrounded by the other three women]

Yurika:
Wait, Akito! Wait! Come back! Come back to me Akito! Where are you going?

Megumi:
He's going with me, of course!

[Yurika sees Akito and Megumi kiss]

Yurika:
No! This can't be happening to me! It can't be real! No, no, no!

[the meditation robot taps Yurika on the head with a pole. She exits her trance]

Meditation Robot:
Cast aside those distracting thoughts. It is reflected in your brainwaves. Such indulgence is bad. Cast aside your worldly passions.

Akito:
I'm not your worldly passion, I'm a guy with issues that need resolving!

Yurika:
I understand you perfectly! You're saying that you like me!

Akito:
[shouting] Do you even listen to yourself?

Yurika:
Of course! My intuition never lies!

Akito:
Wait, is that what you've been thinking about in here?

Yurika:
Of course! What else? And now like a thunderbolt everything has been revealed to me! Yes! But this isn't carnal attraction, it's much, much greater!

[Meditation robots approach and tap both on the head repeatedly]

Meditation Robots:
Worldly passion is bad.

Uribatake:
Does Nergal actually think we'll be satisfied with just holding hands? [grabbing Ryoko and Hikaru's hands] Is the Nadesico a preschool filled with children who can't [elbowed in the ribs by Ryoko and Hikaru] handle their own affairs? I'm still young, you know!

Jun:
You are?

Jun:
The Earth may be a small planet, but it's also very diverse. And since there are so many religions, there are a lot of different funeral rituals.

Yurika:
But why do I have to perform each and every one of them?

Jun:
Because Nergal's contract states that any employees killed on the job have the right to the proper funeral of their choice.

Yurika:
Oh.

Jun:
And, since we can't afford fifty different monks, priests, shamans, and rabbis on this ship, the captain has to substitute for them.

Mr. Prospector:
Exactly right. Not to mention it saves a bundle on the cost of weddings and funerals.