Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Debbie Stone:
We were up at "the top of the world" and we saw this shooting star and we decided to go look for it. But instead of finding the shooting star we saw this... this circus tent. And that's when we went inside, and that is when we saw those people in those... those pink, cotton candy cocoons. Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else.

Dave Hanson:
What? What?

Mike Tobacco:
It was a space ship. And there was these things, these killer clowns, and they shot popcorn at us! We barely got away!

Curtis Mooney:
Killer clowns, from outer space. Holy sh*t!

Security Guard:
What're ya gonna do with those *pies*, boys?

Curtis Mooney:
They took your wife away in a balloon? Well you don't need the police, pal, you need a psychiatrist!

Curtis Mooney:
I made it through Korea I can make it through this bullshit!

Farmer Gene Green:
Look Pooh, I love the circus. Maybe we can get some free passes.

Paul Terenzi:
I'm Jo-Jo the ice cream clown, we'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream, we brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-wicy, fudgy-wudgy bars. And everyone's frozen delight, the lick a stick!

Mike Tobacco:
Did you see that?

Debbie Stone:
Yeah I saw that! That was incredible!

Farmer Gene Green:
Did you see that little ole sky doggie zip down there Pooh?

Farmer Gene Green:
Well I'll be greased and fried!

Farmer Gene Green:
What in the blue blazes is the circus doing here in these parts?

Farmer Gene Green:
I don't know Pooh, you know there's something kinda peculiar around here.

Farmer Gene Green:
Where's the dang ticket booth?

Farmer Gene Green:
What in tarnation is going on here!

Farmer Gene Green:
Where's my dog! Where's my Pooh Bear!

[Watching the stars, suddenly a bright light appears and disappears]

Mike Tobacco:
Did you see that?

Debbie Stone:
Yeah I saw that! That was incredible!

Curtis Mooney:
(above quote in TV version)Killer clowns, from outer space. Holy smoke!

Farmer Gene Green:
[after just witnessing the blinding light] Well I'll be hornswaggled! Did you see that little ole sky doggy zip down there, Pooh? [Looks at his comic]] Haley's Comet! And it's landed in our backyard! [Excitedly runs into his house to get his shovel, axe, and pick]] This is out lucky day! We gonna be rich! Pooh, we gonna be rich! Thousands of people are comin'! Gonna have hot dogs and helicopters and airplanes and tacos! This is our lucky day! Pooh, we gonna be rich!

Farmer Gene Green:
[Encountering the Big Top] Well I'll be greased and fried! What in blue blazes is the circus doing here in these parts? I love the circus! Come on! Maybe we can get some free passes. [Noticing the purple lights on the tent's cables] I've never seen one that looked like this 'un before. Well... I don't know Pooh, you know there's something kinda peculiar around here. Where is everybody? There's nobody around. Where's the dang ticket booth? [A shadow from inside the tent follows them] How are we supposed to get in and see the show?

Farmer Gene Green:
[Discovering Pooh has been dognapped] What in tarnation is going on here! Where's my dog?! Where's my Pooh Bear?! I'LL TEAR THIS THING APART WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!

Mike Tobacco:
Isn't this place great or what? It looks like it was decorated by Klowns R Us.

Mike Tobacco:
Paul, there's more important stuff to do than sell ice cream!

Curtis Mooney:
I'm supposed to read you your rights. But you're in Mooney's jail, and you ain't got no rights!

Debbie Stone:
Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again!

[Mike and Debbie are inside the alien's "circus tent"]

Mike Tobacco:
God, is this place great, or what? I mean, it looks like it was decorated by "Clowns R Us"!

Debbie Stone:
[Feeling a little uneasy] I don't know...

Mike Tobacco:
Hey, didn't you ever want to run away and join the circus?

Debbie Stone:
I wanted to run away from the circus.

Mike Tobacco:
How come?

Debbie Stone:
When I was five years old, my mom and my dad took me to the circus for the first time. Lion tamers, acrobats, tightrope walkers... I guess they were okay. But then, this little car drove up... and stopped right in front of me. Out jumped this huge clown. He jumped over to me... he lifted me right up out of my seat. Everybody was laughing, even my parents. Then he threw me up on his shoulders and he... he ran me out in the center ring. And all the other clowns started dancing around me... honking their horns and squeaking their noses. Their cakey white faces, and yellow eyes and dingy teeth, were tormenting me. I was terrified. I will never forget those horrible smiling faces as long as I live. Ugh!

Mike Tobacco:
Hey, don't worry. Nothing in here is going to hurt you.

Paul Terenzi:
Mike, what do you want us to do? We've got ice cream to sell tonight.

Mike Tobacco:
Paul, this is more serious than selling ice cream. There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger.

Slug:
[to Tricycle Klown] Mean bike you got there.

[bikers laugh mockingly]

Slug:
Can I take a ride... pal?

[Klown shakes head no]

Slug:
Can I beep the horn?

[Klown shakes head yes]

Slug:
[sarcastically joyous] Oh, thank you!

[proceeds to smash Klown's bike, bikers laugh uproariously]

Black Biker:
Shoulda' let the man ride his bike.

[more laughter]

Slug:
[sarcastically remorseful] I'm sorry, I... I seem to have broken your bike. [as Tricycle Klown raises his fists] What are you gonna do... knock my block off?

[Klown knocks Slug's head into a trash can]

Black Biker:
[amid screams from bikers] Damn!

Debbie Stone:
Do you think it's over?

Mike Tobacco:
Yeah, sure.