Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

Master Tang:
I remember, a long time ago, when a good friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one.

Master Doe [in flashback] There will be a chosen one.

Master Tang:
Then he told me, of the significance.

Master Doe [in flashback] It will be significant.

Master Tang:
And then he killed the dog.

[Doe groans and closes his eyes; he then farts and a dog is heard whimpering and falling to the ground]

Chosen One:
I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?

Master Tang:
Oh, you won't even believe what happened next.

Chosen One:
[interrupts beginning flashback] no, please.

Master Tang:
If you insist.

[Four peasants are beating the Chosen One until they receive his signal]

Peasant 1:
Should we keep going?

Peasant 2:
He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop.

Peasant 3:
Did anyone see the signal?

Peasant 2:
He was whining for a while.

Peasant 1:
Do you think whining was the signal?

[peasant 3 starts hitting Chosen One again]

Peasant 1:
Hey, easy.

[peasants 2, 3, and 4 begin beating the Chosen One's limp body]

Peasant 1:
Hey guys, come on! ... Oh, well.

[Peasant 1 joins in the beating]

Peasant 1:
Wait. Didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?

Peasants 2-4:
Ohh-hh.

[they pile onto the Chosen One's fallen body]

Peasant 1:
Okay. Go ahead. Throw us off.

[Chosen One does nothing and they get off]

Peasant 3:
He isn't moving.

Peasant 2:
Uh...

Peasant 4:
Maybe we should leave.

[they all leave]

Peasant 1:
Don't say anything to Mom.

Chosen One:
But I don't understand. Who are the evil council?

Mushufasa:
The answer you seek resides in the stars above.

Chosen One:
I don't understand.

Mushufasa:
Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say "Oh, that's what he meant! Stars above!"

Ling:
But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Chosen One He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?

Ling:
No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh.

Chosen One:
Look, Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so hot, I can't think straight.

Ling:
You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?

[Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly shouting, but...]

Chosen One:
[calmly] I implore you to reconsider.

Ling:
Hmm. Okay. He spends his time on top of a waterfall swinging a chain around. There. You got what you wanted. Now go. [walks off while sobbing uncontrollably]

Woah:
[in a flashback] Remember, avoid the meadow

[Master Tang walking and singing]

Master Tang:
Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Gonna be an animal just like you.

[breaks off and looks around]

Henchman:
[in bushes] Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Betty:
Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too.

Master Tang:
[is confused for a while, but then resumes singing] Lemurs go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koalas go... (smacks lips, then spins suddenly to face Betty)

Betty:
I am a great magician. Your clothes are red!

[the Mayor is wearing red robes]

Mayor:
Wow! Please, do it again! Wait, who's that?

[a henchman runs in]

Henchman:
Betty- he-he's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty.

Betty:
Still alive? How can that be? Oh this is bad, this is very bad. Your clothes are black. The Council will not be pleased.

[the Mayor's robes are now black]

Mayor:
But Betty, do they have to know?

Betty:
He's supposed to be dead! I am responsible. He alone can disrupt the Evil Council's plan. Him and that infernal Toungey! Red clothes!

[The Mayor's robes change back to being red]

Mayor:
Master Betty, might I inquire- what is the Evil Council's plan?

Betty:
It is evil. Meheh, it is so evil. It is a bad, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good. I think it's great, because it's so bad.

Mayor:
I see. I think.

[Chosen One kicks Wimp Lo in the face; Wimp Lo does a pose]

Wimp Lo:
Ha! Face-to-foot style. How do you like it?

Chosen One:
I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: This is Earth.

Wimp Lo:
Oh, yeah? Then try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!

[the intermission begins]

Betty:
Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.

Ling:
I hope they have Icees.

Chosen One:
I have chosen the large tub.

Wimp Lo:
My nipples look like Milk Duds.

Master Tang:
I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy.

[two students are walking; both of them have their mouths closed, but voice is dubbed in]

Students:
[singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists/We are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.

Student 1:
He carries the baskets.

Student 2:
He carries the paper roll.

Students:
And we don't have cysts/But one thing is for sure my friends/We are ventriloquists.

[the Council appears out of the air]

Betty:
That's right. The Evil Council are aliens.

[speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music]

Chosen One:
They're French.

Betty:
Ha-ha. Stinky pits and all, baby!

Chosen One:
His powers are greater than mine.

Mu Shu Fasa:
Yes. Plus, when you got hit with his iron claw, you did scream like a wussy.

Master Tang:
[dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?

Chosen One:
Yeah. Sure.

Master Tang:
On a scale of one to ten?

Chosen One:
One.

[the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him]

Master Doe:
Wait! You mustn't. You are not ready.

Chosen One:
Who are you?

Master Doe:
Ling's father. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Chosen One:
Oh, dear.

Master Doe:
No one man can defeat Betty.

Betty:
When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you!

Chosen One:
I have to avenge my family!

Chosen One:
I have traveled many years and miles to find you.

Master Tang:
How many miles? Would you say...ten million?

Chosen One:
...No, I don't think ten million.

[Chosen One is attacked by Betty and his iron claws]

Master Tang:
[Narrating] At that moment, the Chosen one learned a valuable lesson about iron claws. They hurt like crap man!

Master Tang:
[Narrating] Chosen One was clearly not ready. he should've listened to that one-boobed chick.

Master Tang fights Betty the second time in the outskirts of the city; but before Master Tang is killed, the scene freezes up with Master Tang narrating his options

Master Tang:
Okay. So here were my options: A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back-kick or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die. [Hit in the face a few seconds later] Hmm! Shoulda gone with A!