Lady Vanishes

Gilbert:
I'm about as popular as a dose of strychnine.

Iris Henderson:
I've no regrets. I've been everywhere and done everything. I've eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs. I've played baccarat at Biarritz and darts with the rural dean. What is there left for me but marriage?

Iris:
Boris? Miss Henderson speaking. Look, someone upstairs is playing musical chairs with an elephant. Move one of them out, will you? I want to get some sleep.

Charters:
You can't expect to put the two of us up in the maid's room.

Hotel Manager:
Well don't get excited. I'll remove the maid out.

Gilbert:
What was she wearing? Scotch tweeds wasn't it?

Iris Henderson:
Oatmeal tweeds.

Gilbert:
I knew it had something to do with porridge.

Charters:
If only we hadn't missed that train at Budapest.

Caldicott:
Well, I don't want to rub it in, but if you hadn't insisted on standing up until they'd finished their national anthem . . .

Charters:
Yes, but you must show respect, Caldicott. If I'd known it was going to last twenty minutes . . .

Caldicott:
It has always been my contention that the Hungarian Rhapsody is *not* their national anthem.

Iris Henderson:
You're the most contemptible person I've ever met in all my life!

Gilbert:
Confidentially, I think you're a bit of a stinker, too.

Gilbert:
Come on, sit down, take it easy. What's the trouble?

Iris Henderson:
If you must know, something fell on my head.

Iris Henderson:
When, infancy?

Gilbert:
Can I help?

Iris Henderson:
Only by going away.

Gilbert:
No, no, no, no. My father always taught me, never desert a lady in trouble. He even carried that as far as marrying Mother.

Iris Henderson:
I was having tea about an hour ago with an English lady. You saw her, didn't you?

Charters:
Well, I don't know, I mean, I was talking to my friend, wasn't I?

Caldicott:
Indubitably.

Iris Henderson:
Yes, but you were sitting at the next table. She turned and borrowed the sugar. You must remember.

Charters:
Yes, I recall passing the sugar.

Iris Henderson:
Well then you saw her.

Charters:
I repeat we were deep in conversation. We were discussing cricket.

Iris Henderson:
Well, I don't see how a thing like cricket can make you forget seeing people.

Charters:
Oh, don't you? If that's your attitude, there's nothing more to be said! Come Caldicott. "A thing like cricket!"

Gilbert:
Wrong tactics. We should've told him we were looking for a lost cricket ball.