Last Action Hero

Dekker:
This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas...

Jack Slater:
Big mistake!

Danny Madigan:
How'd you know someone was in there?

Jack Slater:
There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Vivaldi:
What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.

Danny Madigan:
You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay!

Frank:
I'm out of here...

Danny's mom:
Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.

Danny Madigan:
Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.

Danny's mom:
" Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?

Danny Madigan:
Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.

Jack Slater:
Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.

Jack Slater:
Who the hell are you?

Danny Madigan:
Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.

Danny Madigan:
OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store.

Jack Slater:
I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course...

Danny Madigan:
You think you are funny, don't you?

Jack Slater:
I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.

Danny Madigan:
Schwarzenegger!

Jack Slater:
Gesundheit.

Jack Slater:
Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?

Jack Slater:
I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

Danny Madigan:
That's what you always say!

Jack Slater:
I do?

Jack Slater:
Kid! Who does the doctor treat?

Danny Madigan:
Patients?

Jack Slater:
Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?

Danny Madigan:
Wearing thin?

Jack Slater:
Bingo!

Danny Madigan:
From now on it's all gonna be downhill...

Whitney Slater:
FREEZE! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it?

Danny Madigan:
Chicken it is...

Danny Madigan:
...I though I was going to die.

Jack Slater:
Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

Jack Slater:
And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.

Jack Slater:
Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time.

Vivaldi:
Mr. Torelli. I hope it's all right with you I am here. I don't wanna be no fourth wheel...

Vivaldi:
You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up.

Jack Slater:
Silent but deadly!

Benedict:
If God was a villain, he would have been me.

Jack Slater:
Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...

Nick:
There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, whores, politicians...

Jack Slater:
You already mentioned them.

Nick:
I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.

James Belushi:
I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.

Frank:
We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.

Benedict:
Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on

Benedict:
, I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!

Jack Slater:
Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.

Tony Vivaldi:
What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me!

Benedict:
180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin - *180*! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!

Tony Vivaldi:
What?

Benedict:
Trust me!

Jack Slater:
You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres!

Jack Slater:
Look! Elephant!

Jack Slater:
We're that close in catching him.

Danny Madigan:
No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

Benedict:
I wonder if you could help me?

Benedict:
Well...

Benedict:
I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose.

Benedict:
I said, I have just killed a man and I wish to confess!

Jack Slater:
I think the taxis are bulletproof.

Danny Madigan:
This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work!

Danny Madigan:
I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, sh*t! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!

Danny Madigan:
No. It's not possible!

Jack Slater:
What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!

Danny Madigan:
But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!

Jack Slater:
Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.

John Practice:
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Jack Slater:
By practice. John Practice!

Jack Slater:
Sir, are you a henchman?

Benedict:
No, I only go as far as lackey.

Benedict:
Here, in this world, the bad guys can win!

Death:
I don't do fiction. Not my field.

Danny Madigan:
Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!

Jack Slater:
No, this is California.

Jack Slater:
Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun.

Benedict:
No, I left a bullet hole empty.

Jack Slater:
Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?

Danny Madigan:
He saves the day.

Jack Slater:
Or, gets killed!

Jack Slater:
Iced that guy! Cone a freeze

Jack Slater:
Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?

Jack Slater:
No sequel for you.

Life is what you make of it . Jack slater

[At school, Danny Madigan is daydreaming of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Hamlet; he is confronting Claudius about the death of his father]

Hamlet:
[lights a cigar] Hey, Claudius....you killed my father. [picks Claudius up] Big mistake.

[He hurls him, screaming, through a window]

Narrator:
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! And, Hamlet is taking out the trash!

[Hamlet is shown killing people with skulls and swords]

Old Man:
Stay thy hand, fair prince!

Hamlet:
Who said I'm fair? [produces a submachine gun and shoots him, plus several other soldiers]

Narrator:
No one is going to tell this sweet prince goodnight!

Hamlet:
To be, or not to be. [lights a cigar] Not to be.

[An explosion occurs behind him]

Tough Asian Man:
May I help you?

Jack:
Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?

Tough Asian Man:
I beg your pardon?

Jack:
It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?

[The Tough Asian Man closes the house door]

Danny:
Wait. Where are you going?

Jack:
I'll be back. Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?

Danny:
That's what you always say.

Jack:
I do.

Danny:
Everybody keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kinda like...your calling card.

Benedict:
I understand you are interested in drug dealers.

Jack:
Yes.

Danny:
[whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.

Jack:
Sir, are you a henchman?

Benedict:
No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?

Jack:
Yeah, take off your sunglasses.

Benedict:
Who's asking?

Jack:
[shows police badge] The Tin Man.

Benedict:
Well, Tin Man, suppose you hit the bricks.

Jack:
Nah, they're the wrong color.

Benedict:
Are they? Oh dear, by all means let's change them. Would arterial red suit you? [motions behind them, they turn to see guard dogs] Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained. [snaps fingers, the dogs form in a pyramid] I snap my fingers again and sometime tomorrow, you emerge from several canine recta. Or you and Toto can go back to the land of Oz. Questions?

Jack:
Yeah... two of them. [casually lights cigar] Why am I wasting my time on a dimestore putz like you, when I could be doing something more dangerous... like rearranging my sock drawers? And two - how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?

[Benedict's guard dogs whimper]

Benedict:
[pausing before revealing smiley-face glass eye] Have a nice day.

[Benedict has drawn his revolver on his own boss after Slater thwarts his plans again]

Vivaldi:
What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend, now you turn a... [makes twirling motion with finger] 360 on me?!

Benedict:
180, you stupid spaghetti-slurping cretin! 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started.

Vivaldi:
[confused] ...What?

Benedict:
Trust me. [shoots Vivaldi]

Ripper:
Hey, Jack. What kept you?

Jack:
Are you alright, Danny?

Danny:
Yes, sir.

Ripper:
You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me. But I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.

Jack:
[throws gun away] There, now it's between you and me. Let the boy go.

Ripper:
Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next.... You throw the gun away. Right, we did that part... [lays down axe] Then, you tell me to let the kid go... Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end? [tosses Danny off the building]

Jack Slater:
"Iced that guy, to cone a phrase."

Jack Slater:
You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: rubber baby buggy bumpers!

Jack Slater:
Put a sock in it! I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway. And stop shouting, I'm not deaf! You know why you are shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes. And you know what else? I am the hero. SO SHUT UP!

Benedict:
[To Danny Madigan] I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.

Benedict:
[After shooting a pedestrian dead] HELLO!? I've just shot somebody and I did it on purpose!