Last Tango in Halifax

[Gillian has just driven into the parking space that Caroline was about to reverse into. Caroline is furious and yells abuse to Gillian as they both walk towards the pub]

Caroline:
That was the most selfish, mindless piece of driving I have ever witnessed.

Gillian:
I won't be a minute, love, then you can have the space.

Caroline:
You could see I'd already got my reversing lights on. You could see that I'd already started manoeuvring.

Gillian:
Well if you keep your hair on I'll be less than sixty seconds.

Caroline:
Idiot!

Gillian:
Snotty b*tch!

Caroline:
[to Celia] Mum. You all right.

Caroline:
[ingratiatingly, to Alan] You must be Alan. Thank you for staying with her till I got here. We're going to have to go. Some brain-dead, low-life, trailer-trash stole my parking space.

Alan:
[pointing to Gillian] You've met my daughter.

Gillian:
[smiling at Celia] Hello Celia. I've heard a lot about you. I've "met" Caroline.

Caroline:
[holding Alan's hand] Right, well, we've got some news for you. For both of you.

Celia, Alan:
[together] We're getting married.

[in a pub]

Waitress:
What can I get you?

Celia:
[peering at the blackboard] Oo! Um! What do you suppose a "crappuccino" is, Alan.

Alan:
Isn't that an "F"?

Celia:
Is it? Where?

Alan:
On the board.

Celia:
Is it?

Waitress:
It's "frappuccino" - coffee with ice.

Celia:
They've always to muck everything about these days, haven't they? Still, if you're not taking risks, you're not living. That's what our William says. And he lives in his bedroom, so what does he know?

[Alan chuckles]

Celia:
Oh go on, I'll have one.

Alan:
Well following that impeccable logic, I'll have one as well.

[the waitress walks away]

Alan:
You knew damn well that didn't say "crappuccino".

Celia:
Well, people bother with you more if they think you're senile.

[Alan and Gillian are looking at one of Alan's old school photographs]

Alan:
[wistfully] He's dead... And he's dead... She died... He went down south.

Caroline:
Ladies rule!

[Celia and Alan are talking to the vicar about getting married in church]

Vicar:
You're both regular churchgoers, obviously?

[silence, as Celia and Alan look at each other]

Celia:
Well, we have been in the past.

Vicar:
So, you're not regular churchgoers now?

Alan:
Not... no.

Vicar:
When did you last go to church?

Alan:
Er... Christmas. 19... oh, er... 77.

Vicar:
[sighs] What about you, Mrs Dawson?

Celia:
About the same.

Vicar:
So why do you want God's blessing, if you don't go to church? I'm just interested.

Alan:
We thought he might like the trade.

[Celia and Alan are having a discussion about politics. Celia is rather surprised to find that Alan's views are more left-wing than hers]

Alan:
You're going to tell me next you voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Celia:
Well, you can't have like Michael Foot? In his anorak at the Cenotaph?

Alan:
A very intelligent man, Michael Foot.

Celia:
Oh, he can't have been that intelligent or he wouldn't have gone round looking like a scarecrow. I didn't dislike Tony Blair.

Alan:
[groans] Oh!

Celia:
Until he muckied his ticket in Iraq.

Alan:
Now, Gordon Brown. There's a much-maligned man.

Celia:
[scoffing] Gordon Brown? Trying to get everybody to like him, with his phoney grin? And he's Scottish.

Alan:
Now, there's an unassailable political argument!

Celia:
Well, it hardly needs pointing out he buggered up the economy.

Alan:
No, he didn't. He did not. He had vision.

Celia:
Oh God. I can see this is a subject we're going to have to avoid.

Alan:
No, don't worry. I'll teach you.

Celia:
You damn well won't.

Alan:
Yeah, we'll buy you a copy of the Guardian.

Celia:
You can keep your Guardian.

Alan:
I thought I spotted a Daily Mail lurking in your recycling bin.

Celia:
What's wrong with the Daily Mail.

Alan:
What's wrong with it? What's right with it?

Celia:
Do you know, I'd never have had you down for red-hot Labour. I thought you had more about you.

Alan:
Do you know the good thing about David Cameron is that even *he* knows he's an arse! Every time he opens his mouth, you can see him thinking "I was born an arse. I'll die an arse. But at least I *know* I'm an arse."

[the girlfriend of Alan's grandson has just had a baby; Alan is holding it]

Celia:
Well we've got married and had a baby, all in just forty-eight hours!

Alan:
We're on fire.

Celia:
We're cooking with gas.

Alan:
There's no stopping us.

[Celia tells Alan that Caroline and Kate are going to get married now that Kate is expecting a baby]

Celia:
It's for the baby - so it's all official. I said "Will you be the father?" She didn't like that. They're *both* going to be mums. It'll get very confused.

Alan:
Will it 'eck!

Celia:
No. I suppose one black one and one white one - it'll soon know its colours.

Caroline:
[Speaking to John after he suggests they should get back together] I think you just let words spill out of your mouth and onto the floor and see if anyone's stupid enough to pick them up.