Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Pimpbot 5000:
I am a Pimpbot. It is within my program to turn out all the hos.

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
I think Eminem should relax a little. I mean, my mom's a b*tch too, but I don't sing songs about it.

Conan O'Brien:
Now as I mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it- quiet time...

Pimpbot 5000:
All the b*tches think I'm pretty. Bought my face at Circuit City.

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
I kid, Conan, I kid. You got a good show... For me to poop on.

[Hollywood Secrets]

Michael Caine:
Sometimes people confuse me with Anthony Hopkins. Here is how you tell the difference: I'm the one nailing Mrs. Hopkins.

[Hollywood Secrets]

Gwyneth Paltrow:
I'm superstitious. Whenever I start a new movie I kill a hobo with a hammer.

[after learning he can't jump out of a truck, and must only step out]

Conan O'Brien:
When will the government get off our backs? We're truckers', dammit!

[quietly]

Conan O'Brien:
I wanna live.

Conan O'Brien:
Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI.

[discussing Zoltan Hargitay, brother of Mariska Hargitay]

Conan O'Brien:
Zoltan, you have greatly offended the Council of Nine.

Mike Tyson "Lips":
[on what would happen if he were in congress] Punch. Punch. Bite. Rape. Jail.

Bill Clinton "Lips":
Queen Amidala. Queen Amidala. Nee-ha. Queen Amidala.

Conan O'Brien:
No, that's not possible!

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
You're not possible!

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Then I cornered the earthquake and I grabbed it by its ass and zen I pressed against ze earthquake's perky 19-year-old faultlines. Zen the earthquake said, "I thought you hired me for my skills." And I just laughed at ze earthquake. Zen ze earthquake ran out crying and zen I turned slowly to camera, took the cigar out of my mouth and said, "Now she's all shook up."

Conan O'Brien:
You catch you child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not f***ing do it again? I think you know what to do.

Conan O'Brien:
You shot the Easter Bunny!

Will Ferrell:
He made a menacing gesture at me!

Conan O'Brien:
I think he was trying to give you an egg!

Will Ferrell:
Why is the Easter Bunny even here, Conan? It's not Easter!

Conan O'Brien:
I don't know, he just likes to hang around the studio sometimes!

Conan O'Brien:
I would be suspicious of someone like me.

Conan O'Brien:
Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!

Conan O'Brien:
[re: Chocolate Lucky Charms] I ate six bowls, and I got high!

Conan O'Brien:
All this horseback riding has made me hungry, but not for food!

Conan O'Brien:
People of Quebec: I am an albino jackass.

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Abraham Lincoln was human garbage! It took him five years to win da Civil War. I could have won it in two days with my army of unstoppable cyborgs from the future!

George W. Bush "Lips":
Conan, I once had a bad experience with same-sex marriage. When I was a kid, I once caught my daddy in bed with a George Washington impersonator.

Conan O'Brien:
Uh, Mr. President, that wasn't a George Washington impersonator, that was your mother.

George W. Bush "Lips":
Conan, you're a liar! Everybody knows my mother looks like the Quaker Oats guy.

Conan O'Brien:
[about lizard] He tried to bite me!

Animal Expert:
I forgot to mention... he bites.

Conan O'Brien:
You're an ass.

Conan O'Brien:
My producer says no, but I'm doing it anyway, because it's "Late Night with..." who?

Conan O'Brien:
If you were going to fill Lake Ontario with chicken broth, how much chicken broth would you need?... That's a trick question. Why would anyone do that? You are doing very well here, sir.

Conan O'Brien:
What is this, sir?

Man:
A little snow and ice.

Conan O'Brien:
A little snow and ice? Do you think Canada needs *more* snow and ice? I don't think so!

Conan O'Brien:
The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you, "Why didn't you do that on television?"

Conan O'Brien:
If the C-man's not happy, show don't go down!

Conan O'Brien:
Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not."

Conan O'Brien:
You see, you're in for a long lifetime of, "And you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how there jumper cables work and here, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Get your head stuck in your niece's doll house because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's, "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard?"

Conan O'Brien:
[on leopard print G-strings] That's what I wear. I enjoy them. I'm wearing one now.

Conan O'Brien:
[whispering] Someone, start my car. Keep the engine running. This audience is getting mad.

Bandleader:
Conan, what's your position on gay marriage?

Conan O'Brien:
Well, Max, I don't really know.

Bandleader:
What do you mean?

Conan O'Brien:
I'm not sure, I have to think about it.

Bandleader:
You don't deserve me, you bastard.

Conan O'Brien:
We got the latest on the presidential election. I know that's why you tuned in. Or you couldn't sleep. And all the other channels were blocked.

Conan O'Brien:
I should come to rehearsals. I would have taken that one out. But I'm sleeping.

Conan O'Brien:
My impressions are weird and useless.

Conan O'Brien:
'I'm sensitive in the eyeball'. Does that line work with the ladies?

Jeff Goldblum:
I just noticed from your waist there... you're speckled all over.

Conan O'Brien:
Almost, Jeff Goldblum. Almost.

Ethan Hawke:
My daughter asked me why, when we're walking down the street together, people who walk by us say "Training Day".

Conan O'Brien:
Yeah, my daughter asked me, "Daddy, why do people walk by us and say, 'That guy's not funny?'"

Conan O'Brien:
Intelligence reports say that Osama bin Laden's personal physician has been successfully captured. Right now, the Army is also attempting to capture his dentist and his Pilates instructor.

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Mein F?hrer! I could never have your skills! I've disappointed you, mein F?hrer!

Conan O'Brien:
Arnold, are you having a bad trip?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
No, it's a good trip.

Conan O'Brien:
So, you called Cruz Bustamante and agreed that it was a fair election? That was very professional of you, Governor.

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Ya! Zen I called him a fat little chipmunk! I said he should change his name to Lose Bustyourpantski, zen I had sex with his mother!

Conan O'Brien:
What?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Ya!

Harland Williams:
[changing Conan's opinion on what is the dumbest thing ever] Wait a minute! Have you ever woken your grandmother up at three in the morning and smashed her in the face with a canoe?

Conan O'Brien:
What made you go down to Chinatown?

Harland Williams:
I just love it. I love "culture", man. Daddy digs a little sweet 'n' sour culture.

Harland Williams:
I gotta ask you, do you ever get your arthritic grandparents and take 'em out on the lawn and drag 'em around to rake the leaves?

Harland Williams:
How dare you rape me with your lunges!

Harland Williams:
[on the background curtains] I love the little stars here. Every night when I watch your show I look at all the speckles in the sky. And if you squint just right, just right, it almost looks like those little, cute little dots on Morgan Freeman's face.

Harland Williams:
[on living in L.A] You get critters in your house, like a lot of spiders and ants and creatures. You know, you go to sleep and... The other night I could feel things crawling around in my bed and I flicked on the light and there's Barry Manilow and David Hasselhoff!

Harland Williams:
[after hearing there is no pineapple shrub] Maybe that's why that old lady said "Stop spraying whipped cream on my bushes, you bastard!"

Will Ferrell:
That's maybe my subtext.

Conan O'Brien:
Do you wear this when you go to the beach, a European speedo?

Will Ferrell:
I'll go with a high thong.

Conan O'Brien:
I hope this is to promote the movie.

Will Ferrell:
This is just me being comfortable.

Will Ferrell:
I have my fashionable zipper boot on.

Conan O'Brien:
We got a good show tonight. Right, Max?

Bandleader:
Absolutely, Conan.

Conan O'Brien:
Not a sincere bone in his body.

George W. Bush "Lips":
[after crashing his bicycle] That bicycle hates freedom.

Conan O'Brien:
...whoever replaces Ruben Studdard has some pretty big pants to fill. Now... [pause] Big fat man. Now... But wonderful voice, wonderful voice... [small pause] Fat.

Conan O'Brien:
Now, I am fascinated by celebrities. I mean, they're smart, they're good-looking, they're successful...

[gesturing to himself]

Conan O'Brien:
Sometimes all three, mama!

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
[referring to Simon Cowell] I always wondered what would happen if you blow-dried the "Weakest Link" chick and cut off her nuts.

Conan O'Brien:
[mocking a crowd response] Yay, illiteracy!

[after uproarious applause]

Conan O'Brien:
Calm down, people. The show's just not that good.

Lips of Donald Rumsfeld:
Consider yourself fisted by freedom!

[after Uma Thurman tells him that she sometimes eats in the nude]

Conan O'Brien:
I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's.

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
What liquid was Han Solo frozen in?

Star Wars Fans:
Carbonite!

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
Oh, no, I'm sorry, the answer is, who gives a sh*t?

[in response to his use of the f-word to a senator]

Dick Cheney "Lips":
From now on, the only f-word we'll be using is "freedom". You got that, f***er?

Conan O'Brien:
I'm sorry. I didn't get enough attention as a child and now America has to pay. Because my mom had six kids, America has to pay!

Conan O'Brien:
My tears make me strong. I'm... such an ass.

Conan O'Brien:
Mel Gibson wrote a children's book. It's called "Jesus Christ and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day".

Sidekick:
[while doing 'In the Year 2000'] The former sidekick of Late Night with Conan O'Brien will return to do the 'Year 2000' comedy piece, realize that the year 2000 was actually four years ago and remember why he left this crappy show.

Conan O'Brien:
I had a little baby girl about eleven months ago and named her Neve...

Neve Campbell:
Hmm, interesting.

Conan O'Brien:
Yeah, my way of getting to you. You wouldn't return my calls so I name my child after you, still no calls. [shouts] What do you want?

[while playing 1864 baseball, Conan spots a passing plane]

Conan O'Brien:
What, ho! What is that? Demonry?

[while playing with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Conan introduces a much wider hockey net]

Conan O'Brien:
Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL four-by-six hockey net. I give you the "Conan net" right here. It will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie, on odd-numbered nights, would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An ottoman, a recliner, or a small sectional. Not a *large* sectional.

[pause]

Conan O'Brien:
It's not a circus.

Conan O'Brien:
A lot of people seemed to like President Bush's speech last night.

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Noooooo!

Conan O'Brien:
No?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
It was garbage! No-one even watched it!

Conan O'Brien:
What do you mean no-one watched it?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
They were too busy watching my convention speech again! It's now available on DVD!

Conan O'Brien:
Oh, wait. You mean to say you put your convention speech on a DVD?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Yah, I expanded it into a full-length feature by adding deleted scenes and there's some new explosions, and I even added a commentary track by me!

Conan O'Brien:
What? Your DVD has you doing a commentary track?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Yah, yah! It's filled with insightful comments I made during the speech! Comments like 'Look! That's me!' and 'Oh, this is a good speech!' and 'Oh, check out the jugs on that delegate from Rhode Island'!

Conan O'Brien:
Okay, you shouldn't do that. That's not good.

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Plus, Conan, there's more! There's *more*!

Conan O'Brien:
Really? There's more?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Yah, there's an alternate ending to the speech! Where my speech fights with George Bush's speech on the surface of Mars!

Conan O'Brien:
The two speeches fight?

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
The two speeches collide in a never-before-seen conglomeration of speeches! My speech on the surface it tears into George Bush's speech, rips it into shreds and I turn to the camera and I say, "I'm speechless!"

Conan O'Brien:
[about renouncing Satan at his daughter's baptism] I wish I had sprouted devil wings and said, "I do not! I'll be baaaack!" and gone off to my mountain lair.

Conan O'Brien:
I'm going to get me some of that holy oil because it was really good smelling stuff. They should be promoting it on the air and doing commercials for it. "Sweet holy oil. After a tough work out - ding-ding, ding-ding, ahhh! Nice!"

Conan O'Brien:
I'm 6'4" and I have the voice of a nine-year old.

Conan O'Brien:
That IS how they talk in England! "Where's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, gov'nor?"

Paul Bettany:
You say "or-eh-gano", we say "ore-gah-no". You say "tom-ay-to", we say "tom-ah-to". You say "erb", and we say "herb" because there's a f***ing "h" at the beginning.

Conan O'Brien:
Whether you're [gestures to himself] Christian... [gestures to Max] or Jewish or... [looks at La Bamba and pauses]... whatever YOU'RE into...

Senator John Kerry:
I'm John Kerry, and I'm...

Conan O'Brien:
Reporting.

Senator John Kerry:
Reeeeeeeporrrrrrrrrrrrtinnnnngggggg...

Conan O'Brien:
For.

Senator John Kerry:
Fooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Conan O'Brien:
Duty.

Senator John Kerry:
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Bill Clinton "Lips":
My name is Bill Clinton, and I'm reporting for booty.

Audience Member:
I love you, Conan!

Conan O'Brien:
I love you too, sir.

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
You guys like Conan? He's hung like a horse, you know. A horse named My Little Pony!

Lips of Dan Rather:
This just in from CBS News - the Earth has hurtled into the sun.

Megan Mullally:
I saw someone's beautiful wife and baby backstage. That is the cutest little girl! And the baby's cute too.

Conan O'Brien:
Yeah, my wife is eleven.

Conan O'Brien:
After Bill O'Reilly's accusation for sexual molestation, the ratings for his show have doubled. And with that in mind, I'd like to say, Max, you have a sweet ass.

God:
[emerging from the audience] Conan, Conan, stop!

Conan O'Brien:
God?

God:
Yes, my s... [trips on a wire]

Conan O'Brien:
[improvising] Have you been drinking, God?

Bill Maher:
You know, your hair looks redder on TV. It's really brown in person.

Conan O'Brien:
You know what it is? It's the lighting here. And now we're talking about something *important* for a change! This is what the country cares about! They don't care about the election!

Conan O'Brien:
[after LaBamba gets up and walks out] "Where are you going, LaBamba? You don't have a home."

[frequently sung by Conan after making a mean joke that shocks the audience]

Conan O'Brien:
I'm-a gonna go to hell when I die. I'm-a gonna go to hell when I die.

[Conan is playing 1864 baseball]

Conan O'Brien:
Now, let's get back out there and show that other team why our life expectancy is only thirty nine years.

Conan O'Brien:
What would be a good name for me?

Paris Hilton:
London.

Conan O'Brien:
There's a tunnel between Paris and London. [covers his mouth]

Conan O'Brien:
Never piss off a hawk with a blow gun.

Conan O'Brien:
This year there will be more cutting edge political wit and satire, and less random arbitrary humour that doesn't make sense. Isn't that right, Fidel Castro Rabbit DJ? [the aforementioned character agrees from behind his turntables]

Conan O'Brien:
[commenting on NBC being in 4th place in channel ranking, but NBC Late Night programmes being in 1st place] Primetime's in the toilet, but Late Night's rockin'n'rollin'.

Conan O'Brien:
[warning Schwarzenegger that he can't carry out all his world-conquering "cyber-clones" plans] But Arnold, you can't do that... the constitution...

Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
[interrupts] Cyber-clones eat constitutions!

Conan O'Brien:
[In response to the audience's applause to the Fantastic 4 Movie] [in geek voice] Hurray! Any super-hero movie!

George W. Bush "Lips":
I spent the weekend reading the new Harry Potter book.

Conan O'Brien:
Oh, really? How did you like it?

George W. Bush "Lips":
Well, Conan, so far the first three pages have been awesome.

Conan O'Brien:
[after a diminutive killer robot vaporizes a coffee mug on his table during a comedy bit] Ladies and gentlemen... the crappiest special effect in the history of "Late Night". [cheers and applause]

Mr. T:
["In the Year 2000" prediction] 50 million viewers will tune in to watch the series finale of Friends, where it is finally revealed that New York has black people.

Conan O'Brien:
Isn't that right, Cactus Chef playing Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" on a flute?

Singer:
[singing] Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants. They get taxes done in a hurry! They're as competent as they are furry. Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! W-2s and 1099s are pieces of cake for these brilliant felines! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants!

Johnson:
Hey, boss!

Boss:
Yeah?

Johnson:
I just figured out something about a salad.

Boss:
What's that?

Johnson:
If you throw it against the wall [tosses bowl of salad against wall] some of it sticks. Where's my paycheck?

Rick:
Hey and where's mine? [tosses bowl of salad against wall] Yeah!

Conan O'Brien:
[Conan is having a conversation with Connery on the phone, and Connery asked Conan what his favorite Connery James Bond movie is] I don't know... On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

"Voice" of Sean Connery:
That was George Lazenby! Nobody mistakes me for George Lazenby! [pause] Except for Mrs. Lazenby.

Lara Flynn Boyle:
I have a golden retriever. It... retrieves.

Conan O'Brien:
...Is it golden?

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog:
[to Star Wars Fans] Um, I've got some spoilers. Who wants to hear a spoiler? Here's a spoiler: You will die alone.

[David Bowie "Secrets"]

David Bowie:
I don't know how many times someone has come up to me and said "Hey, let's dance!" I hate dancing. God it's stupid!

Conan O'Brien:
Let's check in with the 'Men Without Hats Conversation Channel.'

Wife:
Do you want toast?

Man:
[to the tune of "The Safety Dance"] You can make toast if you want to, and leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't toast, and if they don't toast, then they're no friends of mine.

Wife:
I want a divorce. [leaves]

Man:
We can get divorced if you want to, and leave your friends behind...

Waitor:
Are you all finished? Should I bring you the check?

Man:
You can bring the check if you want to, and bring the check right now. 'Cause your friends don't check, and if they don't check...

[Waitor socks Man in the face]

Winter Olympic luger:
Oh God, I'm falling! And someone put me in a kayak!

Conan O'Brien:
So... Ozzy, what's your favorite food?

Ozzy Osbourne:
[pause]... Cottage cheese.

Conan O'Brien:
Michael, were you surprised by the jury's innocent verdict?

Michael Jackson's "Lips":
Mm-hmm. That's right Conan, I never thought 12 adults could get me off.

Conan O'Brien:
[about the Evil Puppy] He's evil! Trust me... I know...

Conan O'Brien:
[about the Evil Puppy] I'LL HAVE YOUR SOULS! And some Kibble...

[repeated line]

Conan O'Brien:
Keep cool my babies!

Conan O'Brien:
[singing] I'ma gonna go to hell when I die. I'ma gonna go to hell when I die. [audience cheers] Don't cheer that!

Conan O'Brien:
[Repeated line after a female audience member calls out that she loves him] I love you too, sir.

Max Weinberg 7:
[after Conan rants about the lack of transition between his monologue jokes] Next joke!

Animal Expert:
[about a sloth that has latched on to Conan's neck] He's looking for a good spot because they only defecate about once a week.

Conan O'Brien:
Well, you've timed this perfectly then.

Animal Expert:
[showing Conan the sloth's ears] Look at his ears though. It almost makes him look like he's a real animal.

Conan O'Brien:
...He is a real animal.

Animal Expert:
[after Conan inquires about how to pet the porcupine] You gotta be careful. She doesn't like it from behind.

Conan O'Brien:
There's this image of Harrison Ford that's out there that you're grumpy. There's this... there's this grumpy Harrison Ford image.

Harrison Ford:
[after a brief pause] That's horseshit.

[Conan laughs and the audience cheers]

Harrison Ford:
[talking about a fight scene in "Firewall"] After three, four months of sitting around talking, you get to... roll around on the floor with a guy half your age...

[audience laughs and cheers]

Conan O'Brien:
Little girls giggle when I try and intimidate people.

Harrison Ford:
Well, don't do that.

Conan O'Brien:
Let me ask you a little bit about your... your life, now. You're... you're living here in New York.

Harrison Ford:
No.

Conan O'Brien:
[after a brief pause] OK.

[audience laughs]

Conan O'Brien:
My research is flawed.

Conan O'Brien:
I must ask you, this might be too personal...

Robin Williams:
Eight inches.

Aaron Eckhart:
[telling a story about cockroaches in his apartment]... and we would kill the cockroaches with our thong

Conan O'Brien:
[shocked] With your thong? You can kill a cockroach with a thong? You're the coolest guy I ever met!