Laugh-In

Dan Rowan:
[as the News of the Future anchor] Item: Washington, DC, 1988. President Ronald Reagan today denied once again that he is a candidate for the office of Governor of California.

[catchphrase]

Jo Anne:
IS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?

[catchphrase]

German Soldier:
Verrry eenteresting...

[repeated line]

Dan Rowan:
Go to your room!

[repeated line]

Judy Carne:
You're weird, Goldie.

[repeated line]

Judy Carne:
It's not fair. [after getting doused with a bucket of water]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to go to a play?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to go to a concert?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to go to a funeral?

[falls off the park bench]

[repeated line]

Dan Rowan:
Look THAT up in your Funk and Wagnall's.

Dan Rowan:
Now here's the man for whom the news wouldn't be the news without the news, Heeeere's Dicky.

Dick Martin:
You bet your sweet bippy.

[poem]

John Wayne:
The sky is blue. The grass is green. Get off you butts and join the Marines.

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingies.

Alan Sues:
Oh, good heavens. Someone's copped my tinkle.

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
And as a special favor, I'm enclosing our three-color brochure on phone etiquette. You might find it useful.

Announcer:
The preceding was recorded earlier because we were ashamed to do it now.

Dinah Shore:
If Ida Lupino married Don Ho she'd be Ida Ho.

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
How may I, in all humble servitude, be of assistance?

Liberace:
I bet my sweet bippy and lost it.

Barbara Feldon:
It's not the hawks and doves that I'm worried about... it's those cuckoos in Washington that want to make pigeons out of all of us.

Goldie Hawn:
I don't see why there should be any question about capital punishment. I think everyone in the capital should be punished.

Judy Carne:
It's so silly getting all uptight with anxieties. I say just sit back, relax, and let your troubles go up in smoke.

Alan Sues:
Hey, Goldie, does the high cost of living bother you?

Goldie Hawn:
No, I live on the ground-floor apartment.

Teresa Graves:
Different strokes for different folks.

[first lines of the show]

Announcer:
What you're about to see is true.

[the word false appears on the screen, a man moves arrows on the clock in the back so it reads 8:
00]

Announcer:
Only names and faces have been left unchanged... to protect the innocent.

Milton Berle:
The way some of the younger generation carries on, some people wish that they'd develop a birth control pill that was retroactive.

Dan Rowan:
Hey, Goldie, would you ever go on a hunger strike?

Goldie Hawn:
No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet.

Goldie Hawn:
My I.Q. has never been questioned. Come to think of it, it never been mentioned.

Judy Carne:
I love Joan Baez, I've even got a set of her autographed fingerprints.

Jo Anne:
Boris says, "Red China is our friend. And when they get here, they're going to prove it."

Jo Anne:
Boris says, "Capitalism doesn't work." But neither does Boris.

Eileen:
It was too bad Frank and Mia broke up, I've always been against mixed marriages.

Eileen:
If they take the violence off TV, the kids won't have anything to watch on Saturday Morning.

Gladys Ormphby:
I tried to join the Sexual Revolution, but I flunked the physical.

Barbara Feldon:
We really learned the 3 Rs "Reading, Writing, and Rhythm".

Barbara Sharma:
Miss Diller, what can a girl do about bad breath?

Phyllis Diller:
Keep your mouth shut.

Announcer:
This show was prerecorded earlier, because it didn't make much sense to prerecorded it later.

German Soldier:
Very interesting, not very funny, but very interesting.

Dan Rowan:
Say good night, Dick.

Dick Martin:
Good night, Dick!

Dan Rowan:
Good night, everybody!

Cast:
[repeated jingle] What's the news across the nation/We have got the information/in a way we hope will amuse - you - /We just love to give you our views/La da de da/Ladies and Gents, Laugh-In looks at the news!

[repeated line]

Dan Rowan:
Hey, next week have we got a show...

Dick Martin:
I'd like to say something my mother once said.

Dan Rowan:
[as the News of the Future anchor] Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989. There was dancing in the streets today as East Germany finally tore down the Berlin Wall. The joy was short-lived, however, as the wall was quickly replaced with a moat full of alligators.

Dick Martin:
How do you get him to follow you?

Dick Martin:
Honey, just blow in his ear and he'll follow you anywhere.

Judy Carne:
[as a switchboard operator answering the phone] NBC, beautiful downtown Burbank.

Jo Anne:
Did you know that a girl can get into alot of trouble all alone in beautiful downtown Burbank.

Judy Carne:
I'll always call England the mother country, whether the queen takes the pill or not.

Goldie Hawn:
Now THAT tickles my fancy!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to play Post Office? [Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to play Spin the Bottle? [Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to play Doctor? [falls off the park bench]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to call me Cutie? [Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to call me Sweetie? [Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Would you like to call me an ambulance? [falls off the park bench]

[repeated line]

Guest - Special Guest Star:
Here come de Judge, here come de judge!

Richard M. Nixon:
Sock it to *ME*?

Tim Conway:
Y'know, my wife just doesn't understand me.

Eileen:
Oh, you married men are all the same.

Tim Conway:
No, I mean it. She doesn't understand me. She's Swahili.

Tim Conway:
Well, if your heart belongs to me, how come the rest of you goes out with so many other guys?

Cher:
Sonny and I are perfectly compatible. As soon as there's a problem, my psychiatrist contacts his psychiatrist and they work it out.

Jo Anne:
Boris says we'll never win the War on Poverty till all those poor people surrender.

Jo Anne:
Boris and I have the most violent political arguments. He thinks the Democrats can do no wrong, and, of course, I'm for Johnson.

Judy Carne:
It wasn't until I met Hepcliff that I relised that they called England the mother country.

Cher:
Actually, there have been a lot of successful show business marriages: Eddie Fisher/Debby Reynolds, Eddie Fisher/Liz Taylor, Eddie Fisher/Connie Stevens.

Dick Martin:
Curators of the London Art Museum announced today that they are still awaiting further developments of the long overdue bust of Twiggy.

Dick Martin:
Take it away, Dan Rowan, our man in the past.

Dan Rowan:
Well, it's been a few years, John Smith, since they had your head on the chopping block. How 'ya been getting along?

John Smith:
Real fine, Dan, real fine, here at the reservation, you know. As a matter of fact, the Indians even have a little name for me now.

Dan Rowan:
Oh really?

John Smith:
Yeah, they call me 'Running Chicken'.

Dan Rowan:
[laughs] When did you get that name?

John Smith:
Oh, right after they put my head on that chopping block. [drowned out by laughter] I split.

Dan Rowan:
And Pocahontas?

John Smith:
Yes, I do.

Dan Rowan:
You're saving money in a mattress?

Dick Martin:
Sure, got 17.000 dollars in my mattress.

Dan Rowan:
No kidding. Hey, well, I imagine you sleep a little better at night, knowing you have all that money there, huh?

Dick Martin:
Well not really, it's all in coins.

Announcer:
This program was prerecorded because there was just no other way.

Goldie Hawn:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men had omelets!

Henry Gibson:
Do you know there's a small hotel in downtown Burbank?

Cher:
No, but if they hum a few bars, I can fake it.

Jo Anne:
It's like this; if you like Burbank, you're gonna love Paris!

John Wayne:
[following a clip of a stuttering Jerry Lewis] Was that Dean Martin?

Dick Martin:
And above all, remember these three little words: don't argue.

Pretty Blond:
But that's only two little words.

Dick Martin:
See, you're learnin'

Goldie Hawn:
I love everything about you English! Especially your muffins.

Terry-Thomas:
Thank you very much, my dear. I feel the same way about you...

Sally Field:
[clutching a fake Oscar] I wanna thank all the members of the Academy for these two fun-filled weeks here at West Point.

Announcer:
In defiance of numerous requests, we will now proceed with the entertainment portion of Rowan and Laugh's Martin-In.

Patient:
Doc, after the operation, will I be able to play the piano?

Doctor:
Oh yes, certainly.

Patient:
That's funny, I never could play it before.

Father Time:
That's always been one of my favorites.

Dan Rowan:
Hey, somebody threw a rock through the window with a note on it.

Dick Martin:
What's it say?

Dan Rowan:
[reading the note] Windows fixed: five dollars.

Father Time:
Here we go down memory lane again, folks!

Dan Rowan:
Hey, did'ya hear about the guy who lit a cigarette in the dynamite factory?

Dick Martin:
No, where is he?

Dan Rowan:
Room 46. 47... 48...

Judy Carne:
I didn't mind when he said grace at the dinner table, but when he kept mentioning her name in his sleep, I really got mad!

John Wayne:
The program you have just seen is true. Only the writers will be changed to protect the innocent

Dick Martin:
You bet your sweet bippy!

Dan Rowan:
I've been meaning to ask you. What is a bippy?

Dick Martin:
It's a baby bip.

Dan Rowan:
Well, what's a bip?

Dick Martin:
A big bippy.

Jo Anne:
I didn't know Dr. Spock cared about people. I thought he was only interested in babies.

Jo Anne:
I wanted to ask my boyfriend to see "In the Heat of the Night," but I didn't know how to phrase the invitation.

John Wayne:
I've shot men for less than that.

Pamela Austin:
Our country would be much better off with a strong leader.

Joey Bishop:
I know, but Sinatra can't do everything.

Girl at Cocktail Party:
How do I know you'll still love me if we get married?

Dick Martin:
Baby, you know how I love married ladies.

Judge Sammy:
Here come the Judge, here come the Judge, here come the Judge, here come the Judge.

Judge Roddy:
[Hits gavel twice] Why did you stick your knife into the plaintiff?

Pat the accused:
Well, I heard the police coming, and I had to hide it somewhere.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
You know, my ancestors picked so much cotton that I still hate to open an aspirin bottle.

Joey Bishop:
If you're scoring at home, that was the first good one tonight.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
I'll tell you, I just can't win. Last night I dreamt I was white, and a colored kid beat me up.

Joey Bishop:
I thought that was funny, but I laugh at everything.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
You know, we're not too dumb. We move into a block and when the values go down, we buy up all the land and then move out.

Joey Bishop:
Here's another one that won't choke you up:

Sammy Davis Jr.:
You know, they don't make us sit in the back of the bus anymore, because they found out most of the accidents happen in the front.

Joey Bishop:
What we got here is a failure to communicate.

John Wayne:
[referring to Judy] He hit that kid again and somebody is gonna answer to me.

Goldie Hawn:
If Veronica Lake married Corbett Monica, she'd be Veronica Monica.

Roddy Maude-Roxby:
A myth is an effeminate moth.

Barbara Feldon:
[as Mrs. Freud] Take this sexy piece of paper. And when you do this...

[tears the paper in half]

Barbara Feldon:
Now isn't that absolutely obscene?

Jack Lemmon:
This kinda stuff won sixteen Emmys?

Goldie Hawn:
I'm so glad the new TV season has started, It gives us all a chance to see next years reruns, early.

Dan Rowan:
Gladys, I'd like you to meet Mr. Hugh Hefner.

Gladys Ormphby:
Oh, Mr. Hefner, Harry says I look like something out of your Playboy centerfold.

Mr. Hugh Hefner:
Yes, eh, the staple.

Gladys Ormphby:
[audience laughs] Oh Hef, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Dick Martin:
Jackson, Mississippi, a spokesman for the Mississippi teachers association, currently threatening a statewise teachers strike, said today and I quote: all of we teachers are not going back to the classroom until we get paid lots more better. End of quote.

Goldie Hawn:
A one for the money, two for the show, if the judge is coming, I'm gonna leave.

Zsa Zsa Gabor:
This program reminds me of my first honeymoon: nobody knows what they are doing, but everybody laughs.

Goldie Hawn:
Don't go back, we'll be right away!

Dan Rowan:
Is there any alcohol in cider?

Barbara Feldon:
Inside her what?

Dick Martin:
I'll drink to that!

Judy Carne:
I don't think we could get Mr. Nixon to stand still for a Sock it to me.

Richard Nixon:
Sock it to me?

Jo Anne:
I'm all for school busing. I've learned so much more in a school bus than I'll ever learn in a school!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Hey, are you doing anything right now?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Are you doing anything tonight?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Are you doing anything tomorrow night?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Well, I'll come back and see you sometime when you're not so busy.

Goldie Hawn:
Gee, New Years Eve is fun! We ought to make it an annual event!

Jo Anne Worley:
You know, I hate to see this leap year come to an end. I've got five good leaps left! [laughs]

Gladys Ormphby:
This year I resolve to stop chasing after every Tom, Dick and Harry, and zero in on Dick.

Dan Rowan:
Well Dick, that was Campaign '68.

Dick Martin:
Hey, we forgot Lester Maddox.

Dan Rowan:
Well, so did the rest of the country.

Alan Seus:
Well, since I started weight lifting those big guys at the beach don't kick sand in my face any more. [a beat] They hit me with driftwood. Hurts.

Gladys Ormphby:
Last night I went to a party where there were three men to every woman. The girl next to me had six.

Dan Rowan:
I'd like to wish a happy 1969 to our new President. And to all of you who didn't vote for him, happy 1973.

Announcer:
When we last left Billy and Betty, there were tied to the guide rail of the giant humming bird. As we pick up our story, Captain Midnight, after successfully escaping from the cave of the man-eating beaver, softly utters these words:

Dr. Frankenstein:
Hey man, what are eating that beaver for?

Igor:
[hard to understand] 'Cause it's good for me.

Dave Madden:
Chelsea, did you know a single germ can infect 300 people?

Chelsea Brown:
Wow, imagine what a married germ could do.

Dick Martin:
If you took all the kilts in the world and laid them end to end, you'd have a lot of naked Scotsmen.

Henry Gibson:
Solomon Grundy, by Henry Gibson. Solomon Grundy born on Monday; went to school Tuesday; grew a beard Wednesday; expelled on Thusday; protested on Friday; arrested on Saturday; drafted on Sunday; and this was the end of Solomon Grundy.

Dan Rowan:
In 1917 we fought the Germans and we won. In 1941 we fought the Germans and we won. What I'd like to know is: why are we messing around with North-Vietnam when we could fight the Germans and win again?

Henry Gibson:
The war you have just seen is true. Only lives have been lost to protect the innocent.

Goldie Hawn:
Hey, how about a big finish, folk?

Arte Johnson:
Would you settle for a little Swede?

Goldie Hawn:
I've never been out with one.

Dan Rowan:
Alan, if you cross an elephant with an airplane, what would you get?

Alan Sues:
I don't know but I hope it doesn't fly over my house... It could fall on me!

Dan Rowan:
California, 1989, twenty years from now. Law and order reached it's peak today when King Ronald Reagan deputized the entire population of the United States from his bomb proof shelter under beautiful downtown Disneyland.

Martian:
[referring to a petrol pump] She's a lovely girl, but I think she has gas.

Dick Martin:
Well, I see by the little old cue cards that it's time for Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Awards again.

Jo Anne Worley:
We're a non-violent country and statistics prove it: every 25 years, peace breaks out.

Goldie Hawn:
If war is so great, how come there isn't a Nobel war prize?

Judy Carne:
Dave, I just bought a pair of shoes for 125 dollars. Alligator shoes at that.

Dave Madden:
At those prices, my alligator can go barefoot!

Henry Gibson:
But what about the buffalo?

Judy Carne:
J.J.?

J.J. Barry:
Yeah?

Judy Carne:
Where do bad little girls go?

J.J. Barry:
They go to a lotta parties. heh heh heh heh.

Judy Carne:
Peter?

Peter Lawford:
Yes?

Judy Carne:
Ere, what's the shortest name in the English language?

Peter Lawford:
Mickey Rooney.

Jo Anne Worley:
Oh, I've had Mickey Rooney up to here.

Ruth Buzzi:
Oh! The baby just swallowed the house key! What should I do?

J.J. Barry:
Climb in through the window.

Announcer:
On Monday, Ma Perkins went to see Tuesday Weld, at the Wednesday matinee on Thursday, with Joe Friday. And there's another week shot to smithereens.

Dan Rowan:
The White House, 1989, 20 years from now. Newly elected president Goldie Hawn held her first press conference today and fulfilled three of her campaign promises. One, she announced she would make Poland the 51st State. Two, she has sent a formal note asking ABC to stop the bombing. And... and three. she has appointed Sammy Davis Jr. ambassador to Israel and said he will leave soon for an eye to eye meeting with Moshe Dayan.

Dan Rowan:
Oh, Vietnam isn't hard to understand, it's just that our country feels that no one has the right to go in there, burn their villages, take over their land, the way we did to the Indians in this country.

Gladys Ormphby:
My life is one big Wienie roast.

Scottish Delegate:
Alright, alright, that's it! If you want to fight about it, the war is off!

Dan Madden:
Every ten minutes, I get these awful headaches...

Ruth Buzzi:
Oh well, how long do they last?

Dan Madden:
Oh, about half an hour.

Don Rickles:
[to Dan] By the way, I spoke to Zapata, you are his son.

Announcer:
This program was prerecorded 11 months ago in Paris, during the first peace talks, which brought the war to a speedy conclusion.

German Soldier:
Very interesting. But it would never make it as a series.

Don Rickles:
Arty, go to your bunker.

Announcer:
And now, from the transplant ward of the Burbank lonely hearts club, NBC lovingly presents: Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. Or is it laughingly presents Rowan & Martin's Love-In?

Dan Rowan:
You know, more Americans have been killed on the highways than all the wars combined. Maybe we should bring our soldiers home from, eh, Vietnam and send our drivers over there.

Dan Rowan:
Goldie...

Goldie Hawn:
What?

Dan Rowan:
You're facts may be impeachable, but your annunciation is impeccable.

Goldie Hawn:
[gasps] Naughty boy! You've been peeping again.

Dan Rowan:
Well that's the Laugh-In news for tonight, folks and we certainly hope it tickled your fancy.

Dick Martin:
And if not, be sure to stay tuned next week when we'll have twice as much news for those of you with extra large fancies.

Bunny Goldie:
Bunny Chelsea, would you help me with this bill, I'm terrible at arithmetic.

Bunny Chelsea:
Oh Goldie, what kind of bunny are you if you can't even multiply?

Alan Sues:
Goldie, did you know that Christopher Columbus died in jail?

Goldie Hawn:
No, I haven't read a newspaper all week.

Robert Wagner:
If Forrest Tucker formed a company with Lorne Greene, they'd call it 'Forrest Lorne'.

Greer Garson:
If Edith Head married John Payne, and they had quintuplets... well, there'd be an awful lot of little Head-Paynes around that household.

Davy Jones:
If Shirley Jones married Davy Jones but still dated Dean Jones, Jack Jones and Parnelli Jones, she'd be a busy bird.

Henry Gibson:
One thing about hardcore pornography, it still comes in plain soft brown wrappers.

Dave Madden:
I got my wife a new beauty soap that makes rough, wrinkled skin disappear. Now I can't find her anywhere.

Goldie Hawn:
I just saw a giant sausage fifty feet long!

Alan Seus:
Boy, that sounds like a lot of baloney to me.

Announcer:
Later, that same epidemic...

Judy Carne:
I guess everyone has his favorite poem, but the one that really turns me on is 'Leaves of Grass'.

Announcer:
Later, that same park bench...

Dan Rowan:
Well, I see by the lil' old finger in the air that it's time once again for the flying Fickled Finger of Fate Award.

Dick Martin:
Well, who gets the upright appendage this time?

Dan Rowan:
Dick, what does sadist mean?

Dick Martin:
Beats me!

Husband Answering Door:
[bell has rung, a dark figure is found outside the door] Yes? Who is it?

Tony Curtis:
[as The Boston Strangler] The Boston Strangler!

Husband Answering Door:
Oh, wait. [turns around] Honey! It's for you!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Do you believe in the hereafter?

Gladys Ormphby:
Of course I do!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
[Chuckles] Then, you know what I'm here after!

Chelsea Brown:
[James Garner has already kissed all the other female cast members] Mr Garner, I admire you very much, but, ehm, unfortunately, all they'll let me do is shake your hand.

James Garner:
Say, Chelsea... your place or mine?

Forrest Tucker:
This is really the Burbank of television shows.

Dan Rowan:
Heeeeeeeeeeere's Duckie.

Dick Martin:
That's Dickie!

Dan Rowan:
Oh, well, here he is.

Bank Teller Goldie:
[handing a sack of money to a bank robber] Now when you make your getaway, don't go through the park, because it's full of muggers.

Dan Rowan:
Hey Tony, did you see, eh, Chekov's Sea Gull?

Tony Curtis:
No, no. Why should I pay good money to see a movie about someone else's bird?

Dick Martin:
Tony, if Jack Lemmon could see you know.

Jo Anne Worley:
And now, sports fans, here's our Laugh-In sports report with one of the great sports of all time: the only man who ever missed the high hurdle jump and won the yodeling contest at the same time. [laughs up a riot] Think about it!

Dan Rowan:
Goldie, what has four legs and flies?

Goldie Hawn:
A dead horse.

Dan Rowan:
No, two pairs of pants.

Goldie Hawn:
Of course!

Dave Madden:
Well, thank goodness that's over. Now maybe we can get down to some real commercials.

Alan Sues:
If Julie London married Lloyd Bridges and she tripped coming out of the church, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.

Dick Martin:
Did you know Humpty Dumpty had a great fall?

Dan Rowan:
Yeah, but he had a lousy summer.

Judy Carne:
Tony?

Tony Curtis:
Yes.

Judy Carne:
You've been abroad. Where's the American section in Paris?

Tony Curtis:
The first ten rows of the Folies Bergere. And I've only been a broad in Some Like it Hot.

Judy Carne:
Oh, you devil.

Henry Gibson:
Rapunsel, Rapusel let down your hair.

[stuffed hare falls into his arms from above]

Kirk Douglas:
How's that grab ya, dimple lovers? [sticks out his chin]

Dan Rowan:
Don't you think it's about time you started acting like a grown man?

Dick Martin:
You should've seen me last night, hahaha!

Bobby Darin:
You know Judy, the metal ball of this pen is made of the same super hard substance that's used in the nosecone of the United States moon rockets.

Judy Carne:
Hm. Does that help the pen?

Bobby Darin:
No, but if the moon was made of butter, the rocket could write on it.

Jo Anne Worley:
There's another moon rocket butter joke!

Kirk Douglas:
I'm sharing a dressing room with one of the stars. Have you ever showered with a Drelb?

Goldie Hawn:
And now a sneak preview of the news twenty years from now. And here to preview it is our head sneak, Dan Rowan!

Kirk Douglas:
You know, if Kirk Douglas married Phyllis Kirk, and she divorced him and married Douglas Fairbanks Jr, and married Justice William O'Douglas, she'd be Phyllis Kirk Kirk Douglas Douglas Douglas. [pause] Hey guys, save that for Gorshin.

Dan Rowan:
What are you reading, Judy?

Dick Martin:
One of them racy novels? [naughty chuckle]

Judy Carne:
Well if you must know, it's Ullysss, the Greek Saga.

Dan Rowan:
No, no, Ullyses the Epic Poem.

Judy Carne:
It may be an epic poem to you, but it's saga to me. [realizing] Oh no, what did I say? [Judy is doused by a bucket of water and dropped through a trap door]

Dan Rowan:
Well, just off hand, folks, I'd say It's sock it to me time.

Announcer:
And now, here's a late word:

Goldie Hawn:
Midnight.

Ruth Buzzi:
Knock Knock!

Henry Gibson:
Who's there?

Ruth Buzzi:
Boo.

Henry Gibson:
Boo who?

Ruth Buzzi:
Well, if you're gonna cry about it, I won't play.

Alan Sues:
Is Tiny Tim a boy or a girl?

Goldie Hawn:
I don't think so.

Announcer:
The program was prerecorded, so the cast whould have time to make a getaway.

German Soldier:
Very interesting, but they'll never make it across the border.

German Soldier:
[laughs maniacally] Too stupid.

Dan Rowan:
You know, we only went into Vietnam as advisors. Last week, our, eh, planes dropped over four thousand tons of advice.

Gladys Ormphby:
Last night, a big brute jumped out of the bushes and hugged me and kissed me for hours before he could get away.

Dave Madden:
I never admitted this before, but on our honeymoon, my wife's mother slept in the same room with us. Did you ever try to save a good yell 'till you got outside?

Dan Rowan:
Do you think you could, eh, put this show on French television?

Marcel Marceau:
You couldn't even put this show on French postcards.

Lena Horne:
Honeysuckle.

Judy Carne:
But first, here's a commercial giving you kiddies just 60 seconds to hustle your mommies and daddies off to bed, before the real fun starts.

Lyndon B. Johnson:
I have just one question: What was Spiro Agnew's name before Professor Backwards got hold of it?

Judy Carne:
Ello, ello, ello, this is it, folks. If we don't have a commercial now, we'll have to pass a ruddy hat.

Lena Horne:
You sock it to me and I'll bite your nose.

Dave Madden:
My wife left me.

Sweet Brother Dick Whittington:
Are you sad, Dave?

Dave Madden:
Of course! She took my girlfriend with her!

[throws confetti]

Dan Rowan:
Ladies and gentlemen, in our audience tonight we are honored to have one of the greatest names in comedy: Milton Berle.

Dick Martin:
And I'm sure that if we give him a big round of applause, he'll be willing to sit down.

Announcer:
On this day in history, 1937, Perth, Australia completely disappeared for nearly 24 hours. A criminal in Sydney was apprehended the next day on a charge of Perth snatching.

Charlie McCarthy:
I wonder how Goldie does that? Her lips work, but her brain doesn't move.

Jo Anne Worley:
Listen, if you wanna to wake up every morning with a smile on your face, go to bed at night with a coat hanger in your mouth.

Arte Johnson:
Every morning I get up and I touch my shoes 25 times.

Regular Performer:
No fooling.

Arte Johnson:
Then I get out of bed and I put them on.

Dan Rowan:
Well, I see by the lil' old finger in the air that it's time once again for the Fickled Finger of Fate Award.

Dick Martin:
Well, who gets the upright appendage this time?

Regular Performer:
Dick, what does sadist mean?

Dick Martin:
Beats me!

Announcer:
And now, here are two gentlemen who need no introduction, because they already know each other. Dan Rowan, coming to you from high atop the Empire State building, trying to rescue Fay Wray from the clutches of his partner, the lovely Dick Martin.

Jo Anne Worley:
Moving right along... [laughs] Here's the pied piper of puberty; the leaping leprechaun of the lollypop set; here's our very own Uncle Al.

Michael Caine:
I know it's none of my business, but really, you should get out of Vietnam, you know. It's a war you can't win. And you can't afford to lose. It's much the same position England was in, when your George Washington started his ruckkus with us.

General Bull Wright:
Drop your socks and grab your notes. You people will take pencils. What? Well, they know what I mean.

General Bull Wright:
Look alive congress, give our nation what it needs most: guaranteed annual war!

General Bull Wright:
An America at war with someone else, is an America at peace with itself. Remember. Make war, not love.

Mother:
[on her death bed] And remember, always cheat the insurance company... they expect it of you!

Johnny Carson:
Doing the Laugh-In show is my second favorite thing in the whole world. My first is having an unclean yak sit on my dinner.

Parson:
Ever since my picture appeared in the church journal, my parishioners have referred to me as 'the prayboy of the month'.

Dick Martin:
You know what, Gina, if you'll accompany me to my apartment, I'll consider it quite an honor.

Gina:
Well, I'm very touched.

Dick Martin:
I'll consider that, too.

Announcer:
Twiggy is secretly in beautiful downtown Burbank, and is hiding behind... Audrey Hepburn.

Jack Benny:
You know, I hear a lot about all this sex on television today, and it makes me very angry. I keep switching channels all night long, and can't seem to find it.

Dan Rowan:
Did you ever have to work real hard at anything?

Dick Martin:
Well, once it took two dinners and a bottle of wine.

Teresa Graves:
The way the post office handles parcels today is getting rougher and rougher. No matter how your packages start out, they end up... junk mail.

Lily Tomlin:
If Kaye Ballard married former astronaut Wally Schirra, divorced him, married his brother, she'd be

[sings the melody of the song "Que Sera Sera"]

Lily Tomlin:
Kaye Schirra Schirra.

Lily Tomlin:
Our club tastefully agrees that 18-year-olds should be allowed to vote... just as soon as they become 21.

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Miss Ormphby, do you believe in love at first sight?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Do you believe in two hearts beating as one?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Do you believe in... mouth-to-mouth resucitation?

[He falls over]

Dick Martin:
Settle down. How'd you like to come up to my apartment?

Girl:
Are you sure you won't try anything fresh?

Dick Martin:
Nope. Same old thing.

Pam:
On my date last night, I wore a wig, contact lenses, false fingernails, fake eyelashes, and a lot of padding. My boyfriend just loved me to pieces!

Teresa Graves:
Our old friend, Treasury-Secretary Kennedy, said that the recent rise in unemployment is acceptable. That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.

Dan Rowan:
Jeremy, I wanted to ask you, I understand that John Lennon sent back that medal they gave him, the Member of the British Empire, was it? Because England supports the United States in the war in Vietnam, is that right?

Jeremy:
That's right, Dan, and I suppose since England also supported America against Japan, he'll be sending back Yoko Ono.

Lily Tomlin:
The girls and I feel so terrible when we see all those unfortunate people in the poor part of town. So we've tastefully decided to do something about it; from now on, we're not going to drive through the poor part of town.

Carl Reiner:
A while back, Mel Brooks and I did the 2000 year old Man. Now here I am on Laugh-In, doing 2000 year old jokes.

Goldie Hawn:
I keep forgetting to put on my gloves. Teresa said to me, she said I ought to tie a string around my finger. But you know, Teresa's really dumb, because the gloves are much warmer.

Dick Martin:
A little Farkle never hurt anyone.

Greer Garson:
If Ella Fitzgerald married Allen Funt, she'd be an Ella Funt.

Dan Rowan:
Somebody told me you have hundreds of goldfish in your bathtub. Is that right?

Goldie Hawn:
Yeah.

Dan Rowan:
Well, what, what, what do you do when you take a bath?

Goldie Hawn:
I blindfold them.

Goldie Hawn:
Kate Smith has a very large repertoire and some of her dresses make it look even worse.

Alan Sues:
Ringo, which was eh, your favorite hit record?

Ringo Starr:
I wanna hold your hand.

Alan Sues:
[reaches out his hand, which Ringo takes] Now will you tell me which was your favorite hit record?

Ringo Starr:
Alan, you're adorable. And you're weird.

Alan Sues:
Well you're the freako that wanted to hold my hand.

Teresa Graves:
Now here's the scam on what it's all about. Dick and Dan' gonna let it all hang out!

Dan Rowan:
Well, the toy manufacturers have done it again. They have a new board game, called 'Vietnam'. It's an adult game, played by young people. The rules are impossible to understand and, and nobody can win.

Posh lady at cocktail party:
We rich people have our problems too. One of my girlfriends recently was so despondent she committed suicide. Of course it was tastefully done: she had her chauffeur drive her over a cliff.

Goldie Hawn:
I understand your boyfriend's a perfect gentleman at all times, Pammie.

Pamela Rodgers:
Yeah, but it's better than no boyfriend at all.

Roving Reporter Ruthie Buzzi:
While shooting a western on location in the Mohave desert, film star Don Rickles was bitton on the leg by a rattle snake. A fatal seizure followed. However, filming was resumed immediately after the burial of the snake. [laughs]

Teresa Graves:
Ringo, has fame and fortune changed your life at all?

Ringo Starr:
No, it's just brought me fame and fortune.

Alan Sues:
With the new planes going faster than the speed of sound, heh, you can now talk behind your own back.

Henry Gibson:
That's tonight's look at the wonderful world of Timothy Leary and Raquel Welch.

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Oh, I get it.

[chuckles]

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
The high and the mighty.

Ringo Starr:
Very interesting.

German Soldier:
Say, Dingo...

Ringo Starr:
The name's Ringo.

German Soldier:
Ringo, Dingo, you're in my bush. Get out of my bush.

Ringo Starr:
Ok.

German Soldier:
Winners get trees, losers get bushes. Think about it.

Wally Cox:
When I get mad enough, I can almost crush a grape.

Goldie Hawn:
Hey Dan, you know what? Dick is a penny pincher.

Dan Rowan:
What, why, why do you say that? Who says so?

Goldie Hawn:
Penny.

Ringo Starr:
You can be certain that a man with a banana in his ear does not want you to notice his feet.

Arte Johnson:
Poor Twiggy. She lost her modeling job, and now she's a topless waitress in a pancake house.

Jeremy Lloyd:
Talking about that, eh, one of the greatest problems in the world today is apathy. But then, who cares.

Teresa Graves:
If President Nixon's War on Pollution is as effective as President Johnson's War on Poverty, before we know it, we're gonna have an awful lot of dirty, poor people.

Big Al:
I just gave Tiny Tim a nude statue with a clock in its stomach as a wedding present. The clock doesn't work, but Tiny'll never find out. He's too embarrassed to wind it.

Dick Martin:
Hey, listen, Cathy, uh... Why don't we go up to my place tonight? You know, I'm a marvelous cook.

Cathy:
Really? What's your specialty?

Dick Martin:
Breakfast.

Lily Tomlin:
I do believe in getting involved just so long as the involvement is a tasteful one. Why, I even have a "Fight Poverty" sticker on my Rolls-Royce.

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
What's Paul Newman got that I haven't had longer?

Police Officer:
Ok, where's the fire?

Driver:
In your eyes, officer.

Johnny Brown:
You ever heard of a sixty second romance?

Teresa Graves:
No.

Johnny Brown:
Got a minute?

Dan Rowan:
Oh, bookings are very heavy for the new nude movies. First the theater manager books the show, then the vice squad books the theater manager.

Sister Teresa:
Why Sister Goldie, you look absolutely thrilled.

Sister Goldie:
Oh, I am, Sister Teresa. I just took my vow of silence and I can't wait to tell everybody.

Dick Martin:
Detroit, Michigan. In a surprise statement, a representative of the automobile manufacturers said today: we have a plan to get rid of the smog in a year. The year will be: 1982.

Jeremy Lloyd:
You know, our morals really aren't so bad. Some girls on the first date, still won't kiss you good morning.

Mr. Ormphby:
I understand you want my daughters hand.

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
Well, I was hoping for a little better than that.

Arte Johnson:
Ask any woman her age, and nine times out of ten, she'll guess wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor:
[wearing a nazi uniform and helmet] Who the devil made me wear this outfit?

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate.

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
[talking to someone at Los Angeles City Hall while trying to get hold of Mayor Yorty] Tell me, is this Mr. Yorty on the lam or something?... Oh, he's, uh, a publicly elected official? Well, who elected him, Pan-Am?

[laughs and snorts]

Ernestine, the telephone operator:
Hello? Hello? Hello?...

Arte Johnson:
Every morning I wake up and I touch my shoes 25 times.

Dan Rowan:
No fooling.

Arte Johnson:
Then I get out of bed and I put them on.

Lily Tomlin:
Listen, if you wanna, if you wanna wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, go to bed at night with a coathanger in your mouth.

Lily Tomlin:
You know the President felt we couldn't afford the money for a Health and Education program, so he vetoed the bill. As simple as A-B-M.

Parson:
They say the church may have to start paying taxes soon. Oh well... the Lord giveth and the government taketh away.

Alan Sues:
Do you know that artist models earn ten dollars an hour just sitting around naked? I do think that's exorbitant!... But I need the money desperately.

Dan Rowan:
Teresa, did you hear the government has spent, in the past two years, 28 million dollars renting buildings in Vietnam?

Teresa Graves:
My goodness! Listen, if we just stop paying the rent, maybe we can get evicted.

Announcer:
And me, I'm Gary Owens, bringing you this impotent message. Oh, 'scuse me, there's an 'r' missing there. [scribbles something on his script page] This impotent mercy!

Charlie:
Got a letter from old Harry yesterday.

Old Hippie:
Good old Heavy Harry. Haven't seen him in twenty years. What's he doing?

Charlie:
Twenty years.

Alan Sues:
[about Jo Anne] Vicious woman!

Unle Miltie:
She's a dear... I can't wait till the hunting season opens.

Dick Martin:
How come Milton doesn't interrupt you?

Dan Rowan:
I had a deal worked out.

Unle Miltie:
I only interrupt the straight men.

Dan Rowan:
That was the deal.

superimposed writing on screen:
Lloyd Bridges... don't cross... Joan Rivers

Parson:
I've stopped saying love thy neighbor since the restaurant next door went topless.

Tony Curtis:
Goldie, did you hear that the picture Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice was so popular, that they're making a jungle version of it and they're gonna call it: Cheeta, Simba, Jane and Sabu.

Goldie Hawn:
No, I didn't hear that.

Tony Curtis:
[a beat] Well, I just told it to you.

Goldie Hawn:
Well now, that's where I just heard it. That's where I heard it.

Tony Curtis:
Oh, forget it, will ya?

Lily Tomlin:
Most brides to be have hope chests. Gladys has chest hopes.

Alan Sues:
Carol, my little cupcake. I hear there's a, there making a new movie about love life in a hippie commune.

Carol Channing:
Oh, well now, that's interesting, what are they gonna calling it?

Alan Sues:
They're gonna call it: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice & John & Barbara & Tim & Marcy & Steve & Stacy & Eugene & Gertrude... & Bruce

Teresa Graves:
My old man asked me if we could live together for a year and then find out, you know, whether we'd made a mistake or not. If we had, we'd split and go our separate ways. That's cool, what I wanna know is: who's gonna get custody of the mistake?

Dan Rowan:
Goldie, hey, I hear you're going to a sky-diving school. Right?

Goldie Hawn:
Right.

Dan Rowan:
How many successful jumps do you have to make to graduate?

Goldie Hawn:
All of them.

Micky Dolenz:
We spent 35 million dollars on the space program. Now some people say we should've given it to the poor.

Davy Jones:
Oh, now what do the poor know about running a space program?

Jeremy Lloyd:
Fussy.

Alan Seus:
Wussy.

Announcer:
Backwards, it sounds like:

Alan Seus:
Wussy.

Jeremy Lloyd:
Fussy.

Gladys Ormphby:
I'd be tickled to death to find out.

Davy Jones:
And now, direct from the garden of Eden: Dan Rowan and the apple of his eye, Eve Martin.

Ruth Buzzi:
Copa.

Judy Carne:
Cabana.

Announcer:
Backwards, sounds like:

Goldie Hawn:
Cah, eh, cackaban menaca.

Announcer:
That's easy for you to say.

Goldie Hawn:
No, not really.

Dan Rowan:
Washington D.C. A highly placed official of the State Department declared today, that if the United States continues to sign alliances and peace treaties, at the present rate, should world war three break out, we would find ourselves fighting on both sides.

Alan Sues:
Oh! Good heavens, someone's caught my tinkle.

Dan Rowan:
Without further ado, let's go to the party.

Dick Martin:
Well, why don't you go on ahead, I'm going to wait for Further Ado.

Alan Sues:
I went out with this girl last night. I'm not saying she was frigid, but every time she opened her mouth, a light went on.

Michael Nesmith:
You know, Hollywood's making a movie about the war in Vietnam.

Dan Martin:
Hm-hm.

Michael Nesmith:
Yeah, but it runs too long and it's way over budget and they can't seem to find a good ending for it.

Dan Martin:
Sounds like they took the plot from the Pentagon.

Michael Nesmith:
Aha!

Pamela Rodgers:
Charge, soldiers!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
I'll bet she does.

Pamela Rodgers:
Knock

Jeremy Lloyd:
Wurst.

Announcer:
Backwards, sounds like:

Jeremy Lloyd:
Wurst.

Pamela Rodgers:
Knock.

Jo Anne Worley:
Drag!

Pamela Rodgers:
Strip!

Tyrone F. Horneigh:
I'll bet she does.

Ruth Buzzi:
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, and I told him I had no use for a vacuum cleaner. So he sold me a dirty rug.

Michael Nesmith:
I was riding shotgun back on page 394.

Jeremy Lloyd:
Judy, Judy?

Judy Carne:
Here I am.

Jeremy Lloyd:
What did the chiropractor say to the girl with the bad knee?

Judy Carne:
What did the chiropractor say to the girl with the bad knee?

Jeremy Lloyd:
The chiropractor said to the girl with the bad knee: what's a rotten joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?

Dan Rowan:
What's a rotten joke like that doing in a nice joke-wall like this?

Jo Anne Worley:
Is that a dirty parakeet joke?

Phyllis Diller:
I asked my doctor if I should undergo a change of sex, he says "From what?"

Goldie Hawn:
[about Dick] Have him flogged.

Goldie Hawn:
I will accept your tiny gift on behalf of all of me. And I'd like to thank all the little people who stood in my way before I pushed them aside.

Little Girl:
Daddy, daddy I only have two cavities!

Mr Schlosser:
Oh, how charming. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a couple more.

Dick Martin:
Why should I give my secretary more opportunities? She never gives me any.

Dan Rowan:
Which of the Marx brothers do you think had the craziest ideas?

Alan Seus:
[off screen] Karl!

Barbara Sharma:
Goldie, I've seen all your movies.

Goldie Hawn:
Well now, I've only made two movies: I've made Cactus Flower and Girl in my Soup.

Barbara Sharma:
Gee, they're the only ones I missed. [starts to move off] But I missed them three times. [goes, comes back] Each.

Ruth Buzzi:
Are you really Superman?

Alan Seus:
Are you kidding? I just mugged some guy in a phone booth.

Man on trial:
So I killed a man, you can't hang a guy for that.

Judge:
Wrong!

Announcer:
This show was pre-recorded. Because our post-recorder is in the shop.

Goldie Hawn:
You know what, Wolfgang? I never told you this but I think you're cute. Very cute, I like you.

German Soldier:
I like you too, Gilda.

Goldie Hawn:
No, it's not Gilda, It's Goldie. Goldie Hawn.

German Soldier:
Oh Hawn? Say, you know, I knew your brother, Atilla.

Goldie Hawn:
[they laugh] Atilla was a Hun.

German Soldier:
Well you're kind of a sweetie yourself.

Barbara Feldon:
I have nothing against Hugh Hefner personally. It's just that I object to anyone building an empire based on the moral standards of a rabbit.

Jo Anne Worley:
Boris and I fell in love at a peace rally, but then he attacked me. [laughs]

Jo Anne Worley:
I didn't realize Boris was that non-violent until he borrowed my psychedelic earrings.

: In my opinion, the Soviet Union is just a communist front.

Jo Anne Worley:
If you will watch me, at no time does my mouth leave my face.