Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf:
All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Count Olaf:
Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.

Violet Baudelaire:
We are very concerned.

Count Olaf:
Ah, my dear...

Count Olaf:
Violet...

Count Olaf:
I'm sorry, I don't speak *monkey*.

Count Olaf:
Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for "beef that has been roasted".

Klaus Baudelaire:
How could they do this to us?

Violet Baudelaire:
They're just mean people...

Klaus Baudelaire:
Not them. Mom and Dad.

Klaus Baudelaire:
Nothing happens by coincidence.

Klaus Baudelaire:
You know, Curdled Cave is for sale. And pretty soon, people will come to look at it. And some of those people will be... realtors.

Violet Baudelaire:
At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.

Klaus Baudelaire:
You know, Curdled Cave is for sale.

Aunt Josephine:
So?

Klaus Baudelaire:
So, pretty soon people are going to come to look at it. And some of those people will be realtors.

Klaus Baudelaire:
Violet, nothing happens by coincidence.

Violet Baudelaire:
It's the letter, the letter that never came. Dearest Children, Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended, and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in-fact be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery, and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it - that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family, and you are home. Your loving parents.

Violet Baudelaire:
Are you okay?

Klaus Baudelaire:
No.

Aunt Josephine:
Where's your brother?

Violet Baudelaire:
Kitchen.

Aunt Josephine:
Klaus! What are you doing?

Klaus Baudelaire:
Napkins.

Aunt Josephine:
Napkins. Oh, napkins are here. Come away from the fridge. If it falls it'll crush you flat.

Klaus Baudelaire:
These things don't just happen.

Mr. Poe:
Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have perished in a fire that has destroyed your entire home.

Count Olaf:
Why aren't you orphans in the kitchen preparing dinner?

Violet Baudelaire:
Dinner?

Count Olaf:
It's the French word for the evening meal.

Klaus Baudelaire:
You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.

Count Olaf:
Oh really... says who?

Klaus Baudelaire:
The law. Look it up.

Klaus Baudelaire:
Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

Klaus Baudelaire:
Have you noticed how none of our relatives are related to us?

Klaus Baudelaire:
What would Violet do... what would Violet do...?

Count Olaf:
I've never seen three more gloomy children in all my life! Why so glum, orphans?

Klaus Baudelaire:
Our parents just died.

Count Olaf:
You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to!

Klaus Baudelaire:
We have to go to the authorities!

Violet Baudelaire:
No.

Klaus Baudelaire:
What?

Violet Baudelaire:
They won't listen. They never listen! We have to find Aunt Josephine - by ourselves.

Aunt Josephine:
I hate it here.

Violet Baudelaire:
Well, maybe, Aunt Josephine, you should think about moving.

Aunt Josephine:
Oh, I could never, ever sell this house.

Aunt Josephine:
I'm terrified of realtors.

Realtor:
Is this a bad time?

Aunt Josephine:
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Count Olaf:
Look it up, bookworm!

Count Olaf:
I will care for these orphans as if they were actually wanted!

Violet Baudelaire:
There's always something.

Count Olaf:
You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.

Count Olaf:
Ah! My dear... [looks at stick figures of the children with their names on his hands] Violet. Enchanté.

Violet:
Um... how do you do?

Olaf:
And this must be Klaus. [grabs at Klaus' face and looks at each side of it] Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. [begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip and then notices Sunny] And, uh...what is this?

Sunny:
[in baby talk, subtitled] I'm Sunny.

Olaf:
I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey! [mimicking a baby] Banana?

Sunny:
[grunts, subtitled] I'm not a monkey!

Violet:
Sunny's our little sister.

Olaf:
I must say you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?

Klaus:
Our parents just died.

Olaf:
Ah, yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let's do that one more time! Bring me the line again! Quickly, while it's still fresh in my mind.

Klaus:
[confused] Our parents just... died?

Olaf:
[overacting gasp] Mr. Poe... I shall raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

Olaf:
Yes, roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!

Violet:
But you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef!

Olaf:
You know, there's a big world out there, filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children... and your hideous primate! All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

[after Count Olaf slaps Klaus]

Violet:
Are you okay?

Klaus:
No. [walks away]

Violet:
Where are you going?

Klaus:
Home.

Violet:
This is our home now.

Klaus:
This is not home. Home is where your parents put you to bed at night. Where they teach you to ride a bike, or when they get all choked up on your first day of school. This is not home! How could they do this to us?

Violet:
They're just bad people.

Klaus:
Not them. Mom and Dad.

Violet:
Klaus!

Klaus:
Well, you're thinking it too, Violet! How could they?

Violet:
Do you remember when Mom and Dad went to Europe and we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write? And then we found out they'd written a long letter and it had just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? This is just like that.

Klaus:
[sadly] No, it's not.

Violet:
Why?

Klaus:
Because they're not in Europe... and they're not coming back.

Lemony Snicket [narrating]:
Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaire’s enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they helped build together, but in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world, which I’m sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.

Judge Gallo:
Custody granted.

Mr. Poe:
I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.

Klaus:
He tried to kill us!

Mr. Poe:
Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.

Count Olaf:
[to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children? [Mr. Poe nods in agreement.] Goodbye, kids. It's been fun. [leans farther into car window and whispers angrily] I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you! Oh, you are so deceased! [turns from car, puts eye drops in eye and turns to Mr. Poe] Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time!

Monty:
Do you have any experience with children?

Stephano (Olaf):
Ah, well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

Captain Sham (Olaf):
[to Violet] Are you jiggin,' me girl? [to Aunt Josephine] Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.

Josephine:
It is?

Sunny:
[in baby talk] Is she desperate?

Capt. Sham:
It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn shootin' match could go arse over tea kettle.

Jo:
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

Sham:
I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am. Captain Sham at your servie ma'am.

Olaf:
Hello, hello, hello! I've missed you guys. Looks like you're in need of a little assistance.

Klaus:
You're going to need assistance when you get back to town. Aunt Josephine is going to tell everyone what happened!

Olaf:
And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had in mind? Because I hardly think anyone is going to believe a dead woman.

Klaus:
[desperately] There's always something... There's always something!

Violet:
[sadly] Not this time.

Lemony Snicket:
I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, then I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

Lemony Snicket:
If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

Lemony Snicket:
This should be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown. Still not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

Lemony Snicket:
And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru and together had wonderful adventures with their loving and new guardian. The End. These are the words I desperately wish I could type. Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report the actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children. And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun. And it did so with two musical notes. [Stephano rings the doorbell]

Lemony Snicket:
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

Lemony Snicket:
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention. And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children. The Baudelaires had triumphed, a word which here means "unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist, and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire." If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence.

Lemony Snicket:
[Last lines] Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But prehaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

Count Olaf:
Hello, hello, hello. I am your beloved Count Olaf.

Count Olaf:
I'm the monster? You're the monster! These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent?! You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it! [to Violet] What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!

Violet Baudelaire:
Tell me something's impossible, and I'll prove you wrong!

Klaus Baudelaire:
Uh, Violet? Now would be a good time to tie up your hair..

Klaus:
[putting cans on the kitchen bench] "Pasta puttanesca." That's Italian for "very few ingredients," you know.

Violet:
[tying on an apron] That's great, uh... [takes a can and hands it to Sunny] Sunny, Little help?

Sunny:
I’m on it!

Violet:
Okay, we're gonna need a pot.

Klaus:
No pot.

Violet:
And a strainer.

Klaus:
No strainer.

[Sunny gives Violet back the can, the top chewed off]

Violet:
Thank you.

Sunny:
My pleasure.

Violet:
Uh... and a saucepan.

Klaus:
Sunny... That’s not a pot. It’s a spittoon.

Violet:
Spittoon? You mean like...? [Klaus nods. Beat;] We’ll wash it twice.

Lemony Snicket:
Oh, sorry. My ribbon had just jammed. Lemme just adjust it here. [fixes the ribbon] There we are. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

Count Olaf:
[last words] Oh, no.

Judge Gallo:
Custody granted.

Judge Gallo:
Guilty!