Lethal Weapon 2

Martin Riggs:
I'd like to see your drivers license and proof of insurance!

Roger Murtaugh:
This was a new car, Riggs...

Martin Riggs:
Well, it still is!

Capt. Murphy:
Murtaugh, all that damage you caused downtown is comin' out of the department's budget!

Roger:
Fine. Pay it off in Krugerrands.

Capt. Murphy:
Don't make jokes, Murtaugh, make arrests!

Arjen Rudd:
Certain policemen in this city have become an intolerable nuisance. They are obviously onto us again. How do you propose to handle the situation?

Pieter Vorstedt:
Warn them off. It's my experience that a scared cop is more useful than a dead one.

Arjen Rudd:
A warning... is that not a bit tame?

Pieter Vorstedt:
Depends how you do it.

Detective:
How the hell do you do that man?

Martin Riggs:
Well, I dislocated my shoulder one time and I can do it whenever I want.

Detective:
God damn Man, doesn't that hurt?

Martin Riggs:
Yes it does but not as much as when I put it back in!

Martin Riggs:
Well if it isn't Mrs. Sigmund Freud.

Dr. Stephanie Woods:
My door is always open.

Martin Riggs:
Well, I think we should keep this on a professional level, don't you Doc?

Dr. Stephanie Woods:
Why do you do this to yourself Riggs?

Martin Riggs:
Well, who else am I supposed to do it to? None of them'll let me. Besides, I need the money.

Martin Riggs:
Hey, this is a real nice hobby room. All you need now is a hobby!

Mickey McGee:
Hey, Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with you guys?

Martin Riggs:
I'm sorry, that's very uncool.

Mickey McGee:
You're sorry! I nearly sh*t my shorts for Christ's sake!

Roger Murtaugh:
George... Home!... Out!

George:
But sir, I...

Roger Murtaugh:
George, I got a gun!

George:
Yes Sir!

Martin Riggs:
Hey what's with you Rog? She was great, she was beautiful.

Mickey McGee:
Yeah, I liked it. She made me want to go out and buy rubbers right now!

George:
Mr. Murtaugh has a gun.

Martin Riggs:
Yeah, but it's an old gun and he's not a very good shot.

Riggs:
In one ear, out the RUBBER...

Martin Riggs:
Hey, did anyone ever tell you if you sit on the rocks too long, you get piles? Come on, lets get out of here.

Martin Riggs:
This stinks!

Capt. Murphy:
I don't give a f***, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a f***."

Capt. Murphy:
And Riggs.

Martin Riggs:
What?

Capt. Murphy:
You know what that says?

Martin Riggs:
Yeah, the same thing as that.

Martin Riggs:
But I don't give a f***!

Martin Riggs:
Police! Open up!

Leo Getz:
How do I know it's the police?

Martin Riggs:
After I shoot you through the door, you can examine the bullet. Open up!

Leo Getz:
Oh I get it.

Leo Getz:
Bad cop, good cop.

Roger Murtaugh:
Shut up.

Leo Getz:
Oh okay, bad cop, bad cop.

Leo Getz:
I'm Leo Getz, and whatever you want, Leo gets.

Martin Riggs:
Where were you man? You my partner or what? Why didn't you follow me down?

Leo Getz:
Yeah, why didn't you follow him down?

Roger Murtaugh:
Shut up! From seven floors up?

Riggs:
We're back, we're bad, you're black, I'm mad.

Roger Murtaugh:
That's downtown L.A. How would you like to have a house up here?

Martin Riggs:
Well, it would be okay on the three days of the year when you can actually see it!

Leo Getz:
Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? You make a tax deduction on interest payments you don't even make! Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?

Martin Riggs:
You're a swindler!

Roger Murtaugh:
Cheat!

Leo Getz:
Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!

Pieter Vorstedt:
What is going on down here?

Martin Riggs:
Freeze d*ckhead! Get down here d*ckhead. Come on, it's been a bad day!

Rudd:
Now we DO have a serious diplomatic situation here, which I will be taking up with your state department first thing in the morning.

Riggs:
Whoa, you got me quakin' in my boots, but I'm still gonna bring you down.

Rudd:
My dear officer, you could not even give me a parking ticket!

Leo Getz:
They F*** YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They F*** YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got f***ed! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets f***ed? Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a f***! I'm not eating this tuna, okay?

Roger:
Why didn't they plant the bomb in Trish's stove?

Riggs:
Yeah. Think of all the needless suffering that could've ended there!

Roger:
I'm gonna die on a toilet, aren't I?

Riggs:
Guys like you don't die on toilets.

Martin Riggs:
On 3, what do ya say?

Roger Murtaugh:
Okay.

Martin Riggs:
One... two...

Roger Murtaugh:
Wait, wait, wait!

Martin Riggs:
What?

Roger Murtaugh:
Do we do it on three? Or one, two, three, then do it?

Martin Riggs:
It's your ass, Cochise!

Roger Murtaugh:
My ass, yeah. On three.

Martin Riggs:
We go on three?

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah.

Martin Riggs:
Get off me man! I don't want anybody to see us like this!

Martin Riggs:
Hey, don't bother calling the police. I'm here already.

Arjen Rudd:
I should have known.

Martin Riggs:
Well, well... it's the master race!

Arjen Rudd:
I hope you realize the trouble you are in right now.

Martin Riggs:
Well, as usual, you people have everything all upside down and turned around and back to front.

Martin Riggs:
I'm surprised you haven't heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!

Rika Van Den Haas:
What are you doing here?

Martin Riggs:
Oh, I've just been upstairs with your boss, shooting the breeze... shooting his fish.

Rika Van Den Haas:
Rudd's hiding behind his diplomatic credentials.

Riggs:
He's not a good guy, your boss.

Rika Van Den Haas:
Then whatever he's doing, he shouldn't get away with it.

Riggs:
I think it's time for the seventh inning stretch.

Riggs:
That's a baseball expression.

Rika:
I know. But we're only up to the fourth inning.

Pieter Vorstedt:
I was going to offer you a drink, Riggs, but I hear you're on the wagon these days.

Martin Riggs:
Yeah, that stuff'll kill you quick. Listen, you know so much about me; who the hell are you?

Pieter Vorstedt:
Vorstedt: I'm the guy that changes the course of your life, man. 4 years ago, Riggs, when you were a narc off Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself; drove your car right off the f***ing road, remember? Now, of course, you weren't driving. You can't imagine the surprise. I pulled back this matted mop of blood-soaked hair to see this woman's face... your wife, right? She didn't die straightaway... took a bit of time.

Pieter Vorstedt:
Don't know much luck with women, do you, Riggs?

Roger Murtaugh:
Nailed you both!

Murtaugh:
You are not dead until I tell you! Got that Riggs?

Martin Riggs:
I'm not a cop tonight, Rog. This is personal.

Martin Riggs:
Hey, hey. Did you get them? The bad guys? Are they all gone?

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah. Hey, hey. They've been... de-kaffir-nated.

Roger Murtaugh:
Riggs, you crazy son of a b*tch!

Martin Riggs:
Hey Rog, could you reach into my pocket there?

Roger Murtaugh:
Here you go.

Martin Riggs:
I, I want you to throw those things away, those things'll kill ya.

Leo Getz:
Hey hey hey! Listen, if we're going, shouldn't I have a gun?

Roger Murtaugh:
Yeah another day, another hobby. What's new?

[while listening to a chase on the radio]

Cavanaugh:
20 bucks on Riggs and Murtaugh.

Cop #2:
Who’s driving?

Captain Murphy:
Murtaugh. In his wife’s station wagon.

Cop #2:
I'll take that bet!

Cavanaugh:
I knew nothing about the wife’s station wagon. Bet’s off!

Captain Murphy:
Hey! Shut up!

Murtaugh:
Japanese?

Riggs:
Well, it’s a Japanese radio.

Murtaugh:
Maybe they bought the LAPD too.

Riggs:
They own everything else.

[After freeing himself from a straitjacket by dislocating his shoulder, for the amusement of the other cops]

Riggs:
Well if it isn't Mrs. Sigmund Fraud.

Dr. Woods:
My door is always open, Sergeant.

Riggs:
Well, I think we should keep this on a professional level, don't you, Doc?

Dr. Woods:
Why do you do this to yourself, Riggs?

Riggs:
Well, who else am I supposed to do it to? [Indicates the other cops] None of them'll let me. Besides, I need the money.

[Murtaugh turns off the TV after seeing that Rianne’s commercial is about condoms.]

Murtaugh:
[Calmly] Trish, take the kids upstairs.

Carrie:
Daddy, we learn about this every day in human devolvement.

Murtaugh:
In human what?! Human development what?! Trish!

Carrie:
Development, Daddy. Chill out.

Murtaugh:
Human development?!

Trish:
Come on guys, upstairs. Nick, upstairs. You know how your father is.

[after Riggs and Murtaugh give Leo a tuna sandwich from the drive-thru]

Leo:
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Fellas!

Murtaugh:
What?

Leo:
Excuse me, guys. This is tuna. I hate tuna, okay? I refuse to get stuck with tuna. Now, come on.

Murtaugh:
Hey, Leo, don't eat the tuna.

Leo:
Oh, where were you? I just said that. I'm not eating this. I'm not eating tuna. Come on. Let's go back.

Murtaugh:
We're not goin' back. So, just shut up!

Leo:
Oh, sure. Don't go back. Okay. Okay, don't go back. That's it. Can I give you two guys a friendly piece of advice, okay? Don't ever go up to the drive-thru! Okay? Always walk up to the counter. You know why? Okay. Okay. They f*** you at the drive-thru! Okay?! They f*** you at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got f***ed! Okay? They know you're not gonna turn around and go back. So they don't care. Who gets f***ed? Oh, Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a f***! I'm not eatin' this tuna! Okay?!

Riggs and Murtaugh:
SHUT UP!!

Captain Murphy:
I got something special for you boys. A guy by the name of Getz, Leo Getz has been placed in protective custody. And you two guys are gonna babysit him until Washington sends out the feds.

Riggs:
How long?

Captain Murphy:
Soon as all the red tape is processed. Couple, three days. This guy Getz is gonna testify before a commission of inquiry. Drugs, laundered money, et cetera, et cetera. This is not a sh*t assignment.

[Riggs starts smoking]

Riggs:
Yes, it is.

Captain Murphy:
No, it isn’t.

Murtaugh:
[coughs from Riggs' smoke] It is.

Captain Murphy:
It isn’t.

Murtaugh:
Captain, it’s a sh*t assignment.

Captain Murphy:
Shut up, the both of ya.

[Another cop comes in and hands the Captain a file.]

Captain Murphy:
I guaranteed this guy’s safety.

Murtaugh:
Why us?

Captain Murphy:
Because you two are the most qualified for the job. And, after last night, you could use the break.

Murtaugh:
I can handle last night.

Riggs:
What are we supposed to do with him?

Captain Murphy:
How the hell should I know? Take him to Disneyland.

Riggs:
Oh, this stinks. This stinks. This stinks!

Captain Murphy:
I don’t give a f***, Riggs. That’s why I don’t have an ulcer, because I know when to say, "I don’t give a f***." Now here’s where he’s staying. It’s a nice hotel; all the expenses are being picked up by the Justice Dept, so enjoy yourselves. And Riggs, one more thing!

Riggs:
[turns back] What?

Captain Murphy:
[tosses him a small "no smoking" sign] You know what that says?

Riggs:
Yeah, yeah, same thing as that. [points to the larger sign next to him on the door, smirking] But I don’t give a f***. [throws the small placard back and walks out]

Murtaugh:
[wafts the smoke away from him] You’re lucky. I have to live with that.

Riggs:
Shut up.

Leo:
Okay, I get it. Bad cop, good cop.

Murtaugh:
Shut up.

Leo:
Okay, okay, bad cop, bad cop. I know the routine.

[Murtaugh is on his toilet with a bomb underneath ready to blow]

Murtaugh:
I'm gonna die on the toilet.

Riggs:
Guys like you don't die on toilets.

Consulate Envoy:
What can I do for you today?

Leo:
Okay, I have this problem, this very delicate matter. I have a friend of mine, wants to emigrate to South Africa.

Consulate Envoy:
Yes, of course. I can certainly help him do that.

Leo:
Oh sure. But I want you to talk him out of it.

Consulate Envoy:
Talk him out of it?

Leo:
Yeah.

Consulate Envoy:
Whatever for?

Leo:
W-well, you see, this is such a bad time for him to go to South Africa. I mean with all the trouble and everything, okay.

Consulate Envoy:
Look, why don’t you ask your friend to come back later in the week. We can sit down-

Leo:
No, he’s here. He’s here.

Consulate Envoy:
He’s here?

Leo:
Yeah, he’s here now.

Consulate Envoy:
Where?

Leo:
Alphonse! Alphonse?

[Murtaugh comes around the corner]

Murtaugh:
How you doing?

Consulate Envoy:
[dumbstruck] I think there must be some mistake.

Murtaugh:
Say what?

Consulate Envoy:
Sir, listen to your friend, here. He knows what he’s talking about. I don’t think you want to go to South Africa.

Murtaugh:
Why not?

Consulate Envoy:
B-Because you’re black.

Leo:
[to Murtaugh] You are. [to Envoy] He is.

Murtaugh:
Riggs, we’re not going to the f***ing stilt house. We’re under orders!

Riggs:
Well then the stilt house is gonna have to come to me. You don’t understand, Rog, they killed them both. They killed them both. They got Rika and my wife.

Riggs:
Don’t try and stop me, Rog.

Murtaugh:
Yeah, I’ve seen that look in your eyes before.

Riggs:
They declared war on the police.

Murtaugh:
We don’t have the authority.

Riggs:
Cavanaugh, Wyler, Shapiro, … Rika, Vicky. How much f***ing authority do you need?

Murtaugh:
What’s your signal?

Riggs:
You’ll know it when it happens.

Murtaugh:
Somehow, I think I will know.

[Rudd shoots Riggs, then holds his ID in front of his face]

Rudd:
Diplomatic immunity.

[Murtaugh shoots him through the ID/head]

Murtaugh:
It’s just been revoked.

Martin Riggs:
I’m a Peeping Tom, Rog, it goes with the badge. And it's fun sometimes, too.

Martin Riggs:
Don’t bother to call the police, I'm here already.

Martin Riggs:
No, man. I didn't die on your toilet, I'm not gonna die in your arms.

Martin Riggs:
[Injured, being held by Murtaugh, he hears sirens approaching] Give us a kiss before they come.

Roger Murtaugh:
Of course I'm black. That’s why I wanna go to South Africa. To join up with my oppressed brothers. To take up the struggle against the tyranny of the racist, fascist, white, minority regime!...One man, one vote!...Free South Africa, you dumb son of a b*tch!

Roger Murtaugh:
You're breathing, you're alive, you’re not dead. No, don’t die. You're not dead until I tell I tell you, you got that? You got that, Riggs? You’re not dead until I tell you. You got that, Riggs! You’re not dead until I tell you.

Roger Murtaugh:
They’ve been de-kaffir-nated!

Leo Getz:
I remember, because 9 is my lucky number.