License to Wed

[from trailer]

Reverend Frank:
I'm gonna have to heal you. We have got to pray! We have got to pray! We have got to pray to make it through the day!

Ben Murphy:
[pause] Was that M.C. Hammer?

Reverend Frank:
So Ben, what do you do, besides little Sadie here.

[Ben and Sadie dip into Sadie's apartment for sex. The scene immediately cuts to Reverend Frank]

Reverend Frank:
[to the audience] You didn't actually think I was going to let you watch that, did you?

Ben Murphy:
Jesus! You scared me.

Choir Boy:
Jesus didn't scare you. I did.

Ben Murphy:
[mumbling] I Love You.

Sadie Jones:
What?

Ben Murphy:
What... a View! What a View.

Ben Murphy:
Do you wanna walk the midget?

Sadie Jones:
I wanna pass the course, don't you?

Ben Murphy:
Yes, I wanna pass the course!

Sadie Jones:
So...

Ben Murphy:
So, I also wanna play "Pickle me, tickle me" with my really hot fianc?.

Reverend Frank:
Sadie Jones? Little Sadie Jones! How you've grown.

Sadie Jones:
Well, yeah.

Reverend Frank:
And now my Sadie Jones is gonna tie the knot.

Sadie Jones:
I am. I'm so sorry I haven't been around for the last, like...

Reverend Frank:
Ten years.

Sadie Jones:
Yeah. I've just been trying to get my business started, and...

Reverend Frank:
Oh, please. Please. You go to a liberate college, you have a bisexual rommate, you forget about God. Don't sweat it. He doesn't forget about you.

Sadie Jones:
Yay! [laughs nervously]

Reverend Frank:
Bad news, guys. Next available date is in two years.

Sadie Jones:
Two years?

Reverend Frank, Choir Boy:
Mhm.

Ben Murphy:
That's... so long.

Sadie Jones:
Yeah!

Reverend Frank:
Wait! Hold on, hold on...

Choir Boy:
Wasn't there a cancellation? I think it's...

Reverend Frank:
There, there!

Choir Boy:
Yes, there it is.

Reverend Frank:
Three weeks from tomorrow. How is that?

Ben Murphy:
[skeptical, while Sadie laughs] That's a little quick. Right? I mean...

Sadie Jones:
Okay, I guess we're getting married in three weeks.

Reverend Frank:
Okay!

Ben Murphy:
[in shock] Wow... Just like that.

Ben Murphy:
I mean, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Joel:
Yeah, I feel as bad as you do.

Ben Murphy:
Now she's using her honeymoon ticket without me. I mean, how is that supposed to make me feel?

Joel:
Bad. I think.

Ben Murphy:
Three weeks ago, I was the happiest guy in the world, and I just... Now I'm just sitting here with you.

Joel:
Thanks. Thanks, Ben. Appreciate that.

Joel:
Look, don't take this the wrong way, 'cause Sadie's cool, I like her a lot. But there are plenty of fish in the sea. And now is your time to be the king barracuda, and get out there and swim with the sweet tuna. The ocean is yours, man.

Ben Murphy:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Joel:
Okay. [pauses] You're a bear. Now, jump in that forest and you gotta tag as many cute, furry bear butts as you can.

Ben Murphy:
Joel... You're my best friend, man. You know that?

Joel:
Yeah.

Ben Murphy:
And I love you. You know that?

Joel:
I love you too.

Ben Murphy:
But you got to be the worst advice-giver I know. I mean, not only is your advice terrible, but it just backfires at every turn! And now you're talking to me about fish and bears. She's a woman, Joel! I mean, she's an amazing woman. And she's just so beautiful, and she's loving and... It was all right there. And I lost it. And I don't need you telling me that I should go out and find someone else. I mean, I don't need anybody telling me how to go... I don't need anyone telling me... [rushes up, hurrying out of the bar]

Ben Murphy:
[out on the street, noticing the van Frank and Choir Boy are sitting in] No way. [opens the back door]

Reverend Frank:
Whoa! Is that one strike or two against Rodriguez?

Choir Boy:
Uh... Two!

Reverend Frank:
Oh! Well...

Ben Murphy:
Awesome job with the camouflage, guys. Seriously, you totally got me. Who would have ever thought you'd be in a van with "Saint Augustine's" on the side?

Sadie Jones:
Reverend Frank? What... What are you doing here?

Choir Boy:
Reverend Frank is everywhere, remember?

Reverend Frank:
[at the wedding reception] The rings.

Sadie Jones:
[looks at the inscription] "Never to fart"?

Ben Murphy:
Oh, my god... I didn't change it! I'm gonna change it right when I get back, I promise I will...

Sadie Jones:
No, no, no. Bite your tongue, 'cause I wouldn't want it changed for anything in the whole world.

Reverend Frank:
By the power of God and the minister of National Security and Justice of Ocho Rios, Jamaica... I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Ben Murphy:
Hey, can I ask you a question?

Reverend Frank:
Sure.

Ben Murphy:
When did you really know that we were ready to get married?

Reverend Frank:
The moment you told Joel that Sadie wasn't a fish, I knew it was meant to be. Besides, anybody who kicks a reverend's ass for his woman, you're A-okay in my book.