Little Giants

Rudy Zolteck:
That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico.

Danny O'Shea:
This whole town may love you, but I'm the only one who knows how truly sick you are.

Kevin O'Shea:
I treated you like a prince.

Danny O'Shea:
You ignored me.

Kevin O'Shea:
I took you to see the Cleveland Indians.

Danny O'Shea:
You left me at the stadium.

Spike:
No mercy!

Becky O'Shea:
No ball!

Rudy Zolteck:
One time my whole family went fishing, and I was the only one that didn't puke!

Danny O'Shea:
I don't know but I've been told.

Danny O'Shea:
You say thank you I say please.

Danny O'Shea:
Here's Rudy Zoleteck, your friendly neighborhood gasman.

Mr. Zolteck:
Gasman? I don't get it!

Mrs. Zolteck:
Think about it!

Little Danny:
Gee, I must be pretty bad if my own brother won't even pick me.

Little Kevin:
Danny, look at it my way.

Little Danny:
I stink and you know it. You're perfect and I stink. That's it! The End!

Little Kevin:
No, that's not it! It's just that I'm so good that it makes you look really bad.

Little Danny:
Are you trying to cheer me up?

Little Kevin:
Yeah!

Little Danny:
It's not working!

Little Kevin:
See, so I stink at something too.

Johnny Vennaro:
You can't pitch to Johnny! I'm Johnny!

Junior Floyd:
You wanna learn how to kiss?

Becky O'Shea:
No. Why, do you?

Junior Floyd:
No. Eeww I just got that vomit taste in my mouth.

Becky O'Shea:
Come on, you gotta learn sometime. I mean if you wanna have kids and get a job.

Junior Floyd:
You can have kids without kissing!

Becky O'Shea:
But you can't get a job.

Junior Floyd:
Well, become a teacher then.

Kevin O'Shea:
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox.

Junior Floyd:
Eeww, that's disgusting! It looks like they're trying to swallow each other's heads!

Rudy Zolteck:
AHHHHHHHHH! It's a mom!

Jake Berman:
Don't you be talkin' bout my momma!

Spike:
Spike's in hell. Spike's in pee-wee HELL!

Kevin O'Shea:
Put a fork in them their done, baby.

Tad:
Death shrouds

Danny O'Shea:
They've got your names on the back.

Jake Berman:
So the guys at the morgue can identify the bodies.

Announcer:
OH! Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt Betty's nut better, and that's a live ball!

Young Kevin:
Hey Danny! You see that water tower. One day our names will be up there in bold letters, The O'Shea Brothers! We're going to own this town, you and me buddy.

Hanon:
Why do you do this to me, fellas? I cut your nails, wash you, put gloves on you when you're cold...

Sean Murphy:
Hey Hanon, do you catch anything ever?

Hanon:
Caught a cold yesterday. Here have some!

Rudy Zolteck:
How'd I do, coach?

Kevin O'Shea:
I don't know son, I don't have a sundial. Now get back in line.

Karen O'Shea:
Kevin, this is pee-wee football. It's supposed to be fun.

Kevin O'Shea:
Not fun anymore. All the fun is gone. See now, It's WAR!

Danny O'Shea:
We can go camping and make moose sounds.

Becky O'Shea:
No, Dad.

Danny O'Shea:
O.K. forget the moose sounds.

Hanon:
There goes my shot at the Pros. Now I have to be a senator.

Priscilla:
Hey Uncle Dan! Guess what? I got the whole headlock thing on tape. Here, wanna see?

Priscilla:
God bless family, friends, flowers, Nickelodeon, fuzzy little kittens, Pez, Mr. Lerenzo, the school janitor 'cause he's so hairy.

Kevin O'Shea:
So unfortunate, my dear Priscilla.

Junior Floyd:
That's right Spike. The Icebox is going to defrost you.

Mike Hammersmith:
What's that cheerleader doing with a helmet on?

Kevin O'Shea:
That's no cheerleader, that's my niece Becky, and she's pissed.

Spike:
Your mine Pom Pom!

Becky O'Shea:
What a hunk. What am I talking about? I'm the Icebox. Icebox doesn't like boys. Except for that one...

Jake Berman:
My mom says the pads you gave me weren't enough...

Spike:
Who's Spike's lead blocker?

Danny O'Shea:
The Icebox.

Spike:
Where's he at?

Becky:
Right here.

Spike:
[Stunned after learning Icebox is female] Is Spike mistaken? Aren't you a girl?

Becky:
[Sarcastic] Gee, good eye.

Spike:
Spike don't play with girls

Danny O'Shea:
She's pretty good, Spike.

Spike:
Spike don't care. Didn't you hear? Spike don't play with.

[Becky hits Spike with ball]

Becky:
I can tackle anything. Anytime. Anywhere. Got that?

Spike:
Look, you berzerko Barbie doll, when you mess with Spike, you mess with death.

Becky:
You can talk the talk. But can you walk the walk?

Spike:
Try me!

Becky:
I will!

Spike:
Let's go!

Becky:
Right now!

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
[Puts his hands on his helmet] Somebody call 911!

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
[Referring to the antacid tablets] I use these for acid indigestion.

Fast Eddie:
What are we going to use them for?

Jake:
Intimidation.

Rudy Zolteck:
We never get picked anything. Life stinks!

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
Yeah, there goes my shot at the pros. I'm gonna have to be a senator.

Rudy Zolteck:
Here's a kiss for Murphy. And for Patterson and Briggs too. [Farts loudly]

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
[Laughing]

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
[Laughing while waving his hand] Whoo! Whoo!

Murphy:
[Enters with Briggs and Patterson] UGH! Damn, Zol-fart! What kind of roadkill did your mom feed you last night?

Rudy Zolteck:
Free-range skunk.

Timmy Moore:
[Dazed] Did I pass the spelling test, Mrs. Greeley?

Rudy Zolteck:
Wow, Spike knocked him all the way back to second grade!

Rudy Zolteck:
Great, now they have Spike.

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
And we got nothing.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
We got us.

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
Yeah! We stink!

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
'Cause you can't catch, Hot Hands.

Rudy Zolteck:
At least he can walk, Crush Jerk.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
Hey Zolteck, have another Pop Tart!

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
Yeah, fart boy! I'll bet you can get your big mouth wide enough!

Danny O'Shea:
Okay, guys, that's enough.

Junior Floyd:
Yeah, Coach's right. Break it up.

Rudy Zolteck:
Oh, shut up, Junior! You're so good, it makes us sick!

Junior Floyd:
[Pause] Hey, you don't want me to play? No problemo. I'm outta here. [Leaves]

Becky:
Nice work! If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't even have a team.

Marcus, the kicker:
Hey, if it wasn't for him, maybe you'd stop drooling and played a little more football!

Little Giants:
Yeah!

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
Why can't we all just play together?

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
Oh, shut up, dipstick! You're probably the main reason Spike quit!

Rudy Zolteck:
Yeah, quit bawling you big baby!

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
I can cry if I want! It's a free country! I can even do this! [kicks Rudy's leg]

Rudy Zolteck:
Ow! Ow!

Marcus, the kicker:
[Impressed] Nice kick.

Danny O'Shea:
Guys, practice isn't over yet.

Little Giants:
Who cares?

Mike Hammersmith:
[Upon seeing Becky emerge from the locker room dressed up in Giant gear] Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. What's that cheerleader doing with a helmet on?

Kevin O'Shea:
That's no cheerleader. That's my niece, Becky. She's pissed.

Sean Murphy:
[As the Cowboys have possession of the ball; to Rudy] Get ready dog breath. Because when I'm finished with you, you'll be farting out of your mouth and talking out of your butt!

Rudy Zolteck:
[To "Rad Tad"] Is that physically possible?

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
Are you all right?

Rudy Zolteck:
[Talking out of his butt] I think so.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
[Impressed] Huh! I guess it is possible.

Danny O'Shea:
[Disguising his voice as an old lady] State police? Oh, thank God! My name is Thelma Mae Rogers. I'm 86 years old. I live in Urbania. There are two men down the bridge from the Shell station spying on some kids! [Passes the phone to Timmy, who feign cries] We're all really scared. I just don't think it's right for men their age to be parading around in their underwear!

Timmy Moore:
Please hurry!

Danny O'Shea:
Oh, no! [Hangs up the phone] Nice job. [High fives Timmy]

Cowboys:
[Chanting before the game] Cowboys! Cowboys! Win, win, win!

Little Giants:
[Chanting before the game] Giants! Giants!

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
[Yelling and chanting] Help us, God!

Danny O'Shea:
[When the Little Giants, losing at the half, want to be put on the injured list] You know, there is something you guys should know. When I was 10 years old, I put myself on the injured list. I never got off it.

Timmy "Rawhide" Moore:
Why?

Danny O'Shea:
Because I didn't get picked a few times, so I started hiding under the bleachers.

Marcus "The Toe":
That's where we belong. Under the bleachers.

Danny O'Shea:
No, you don't. You guys belong out there with those Cowboys. You know how I know that? Because I belong out there with my brother.

Rudy Zolteck:
Give us a break, coach. You could never beat Kevin O'Shea at anything!

Danny O'Shea:
That's not true. I did beat him once.

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
When?

Danny O'Shea:
When we were kids. We used to race our bikes down Cherry Hill every day after school. We raced every day and he always beat me, but one time - one time i beat him.

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
: You beat Kevin down Cherry Hill?

Danny O'Shea:
Yes, I did. He ate my dust.

Johnny "Viper" Vennaro:
Big deal. One time.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
You know, one time at Randy Cooper's swim party, I did a backflip off the high dive, and my brother chickened out.

Marcus "The Toe":
Roger chickened out? He's a Marine!

Rudy Zolteck:
Ah, that's nothing! One time at the spring carnival, I beat both of my brothers in the Cow Dung Toss.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
You beat Matt and Brett in the turd toss?

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
You know, one time I went fishing with my entire family, and I was the only one that didn't throw up.

Marcus "The Toe":
So what? It still doesn't make us good football players.

Danny O'Shea:
Well, wait a second, guys. Who said you had to be good to play football? You play football because you want to. You play football because it's fun. You play football so you could pretend you're Joe Montana throwing a touchdown pass, or Emmitt Smith going for a long run. And even if those Cowboys are better than you guys, even if they beat you 99 times out of 100, that still leaves.

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
One time.

Rudy Zolteck:
One time.

Junior Floyd:
[Smiles] Yeah one time!

Rudy Zolteck:
[As the Little Giants are changing, a woman arrives with her son] Aahh! It's a mom!

Rudy Zolteck:
[Repeated line] You rang?

Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon:
[Talking to his hands after failing to catch the football] Why do you do this to me, fellas? I cut your nails, wash you, put gloves on you when you're cold.

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
[Repeated line] I can't see with this thing on!

Kevin O'Shea:
[Upon discovering a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside of Rudy's helmet] Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Are you nuts?

Rudy Zolteck:
[Takes a bite] It's still good!

Kevin O'Shea:
You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox, son. [Sees Butz pull something else out of the helmet] What are those?

Butz:
Cheetos.

Kevin O'Shea:
Crunchy or Puffed?

Butz:
Puffed.

Kevin O'Shea:
[Under his breath] Whimp.

Jake "Berminator" Berman:
[To Danny after arriving overly protected] My mom says the pads you gave me weren't enough. [The team comes over and plays pushes with him] This is great! Keep pushing! I can't feel a the. [Smacks into a pole and falls down]

Little Giants:
Jake? Jake? Are you all right?

Tad "Rad Tad" Simpson:
I should've gone to summer school!

Danny O'Shea:
Look, with this guy on the team, we got an actual shot at winning this thing. Just give me a minute to see if I can get him used to the idea of playing with a girl.

Becky:
[Disgusted] You don't think I can take him, do you? [Danny is disgustedly speechless; a car horn is heard] This is a bunch of crap. [She storms off to tend to the honking car while Danny returns to practice]

[Recruiting Timmy]

Danny O'Shea:
Do you play football?

Timmy Moore:
No.

Danny O'Shea:
Do you like football?

Timmy Moore:
No.

Danny O'Shea:
Do you wanna play football?

Timmy Moore:
No.

Danny O'Shea:
Great, you can be on our team.

[Nubie gives John Madden a printout of a diagram of a play]

Nubie:
...Then he pivots, fakes, and chucks the ball halfway down the field to our, hopefully, still wide-open tailback. I call it "The Annexation of Puerto Rico".

John Madden:
Not bad.

Nubie:
Really? I kind of stole it from you: Raiders-Vikings, Super Bowl XI.

John Madden:
Hey, you really are a genius.

Nubie:
Thanks. The problem is, we don't have a tailback.

John Madden:
Hmmm. Well, listen, what if you tried this...[Draws something on the play as Nubie watches]