Lucas

Ben:
Did you hear about Lucas? It's suicide!

Rena:
What do you mean?

Ben:
He's gone out for the football team!

Cappie:
Are you interested in politics?

Maggie:
So so.

Cappie:
Are you interested in cars?

Maggie:
No.

Cappie:
Are you interested in wide receivers?

Maggie:
What's that?

Cappie:
The position I play.

Maggie:
Oh, is that what you do? Sorta.

Cappie:
Are you interested in being kissed?

Maggie:
Yes.

Lucas:
If you're so depressed, how come you're eating pizza?

Lucas:
This equipment doesn't fit.

Coach:
No, it's you that don't fit.

Lucas:
Either you're an athlete or you're not an athlete.

Lucas:
You can't ever make me quit, EVER!

Coach:
Bly, in!

Lucas:
What position?

Coach:
Prone!

Maggie:
Where are you going?

Lucas:
To the dance.

Maggie:
By yourself?

Lucas:
Hey, I'm a party animal.

Coach:
Hear me good, you pissant! Because I'm only going to tell you one more time.

Lucas:
Don't you call me that! Don't you call me a pissant you dumb f***ing jock!

Coach:
What'd you say?

Lucas:
You heard me, pencil-brain! I mean, who are we kidding here, who is the pissant? The second-rate coach of a third rate team or me?

Maggie:
You know how wonderful you are?

Lucas:
Yeah, but it doesn't turn you on, does it?

Bruno:
Guys, what do you say? You coming out for the football team or not? We're trying to find you a jersey but we're all out of pup tents.

Ben:
You should talk, sh*t breath!

Bruno:
Luke, Luke! Get that ball away and puke! Ben and Luke! I'm going to puke!

Lucas:
Let's go...

Ben:
Don't let him scare you away!

Lucas:
Scare me away?

Ben:
Yeah, just tell him to eat sh*t.

Lucas:
I guess everybody has their own idea of fun. Some people go to football games. Other people do less superficial things.

Maggie:
Look, just because you don't approve of something, doesn't mean other people don't have a right to enjoy it. You're in the band aren't you?

Lucas:
Yeah?

Maggie:
So?

Lucas:
So?

Maggie:
So the band goes to football games!

Lucas:
We're totally different!

Maggie:
Why?

Lucas:
Because the band does not have fun there!

Lucas:
There is a dance on friday and if you and Alise could take Maggie and me, it'd be great. See, she has to meet people. She has a strong need for acceptance.

Cappie:
I'm just being nice to her.

Alise:
Well, stop being nice to her! I don't want you talking to her anymore, I don't want to turn around and see you walking with her and smiling at her. I don't want her in this car on Friday night. We're not giving her any ride to any goddamn dance, she can put her fat ass on the back of Lucas's bike where it damn well belongs!

Bruno:
What are you always sticking up for this wimp for?

Cappie:
Why are you always picking on him?

Maggie:
Why do they call you leukoplakia? Does it mean something?

Lucas:
Leukoplakia is cancer of the mouth.

Bruno:
Leukoplakia! They actually found a jock strap to fit you? Somebody should stop by home ec. tomorrow to pick up a thimble. Or maybe a thimble is too big. How about a contact lens and a band aid?

Lucas:
Are you referring to the size of my penis?

Bruno:
Yeah, I am.

Lucas:
With a flaccid penis, it's the number of folds that count. Besides, I'm not semi-erect like some of you guys here.

Bruno:
What did you say?

Lucas:
A University of Chicago study. You can tell the fags in a warm shower by who's got the longest dong. Hey, yours seems to be growing even now.

Bruno:
The hell it is!

Lucas:
It IS, look!

Maggie:
What am I going to do with you?

Lucas:
[Heartbroken, he gets up and goes to the nest] Go away. Go. [eyes her] Leave! LEAVE!! GO!! GO AWAY!!!

Maggie:
You are never playing football again.

Luca:
Okay.

Maggie:
You.

Lucas:
Magpie.

Maggie:
Locust.

Rena:
Throw it to Lucas!

Maggie:
Throw it to Lucas!

Ben:
Throw it to Lucas!

Band member:
Throw it to Lucas!

Coach:
No, don't throw it to Blye!

Lucas:
They say that aggression is an expression of sexual feeling.

[Lucas shows up to Maggie's house ready to go to the school dance with Cappie and Alise as a double date]

Lucas:
So, you ready to go?

Maggie:
I don't think we can go, Lucas.

Lucas:
Why not?

Maggie:
Cappie and Alise broke up today.

Lucas:
But aren't they here?

Maggie:
Cappie's here, and he's very depressed. Sit down.

[Lucas sits with Maggie outside her front door]

Maggie:
She was jealous, or she doesn't like me or something. She said she'd break up with him if he went through with it. She didn't want to go with us, Luke. So, I think we have to call it off.

Lucas:
I have my bike. We can still go.

Maggie:
He kind of needs someone with him tonight. I don't want to leave him by himself. He had tears in his eyes when he came over tonight. Can you imagine that big, strong guy crying?

[Cappie walks out of the house and sits between Maggie and Lucas]

Cappie:
Hi, Luke. I am sorry, Bud. Am I a drag, or what?

Lucas:
Listen. I think you should come to the dance with us. I think it'd cheer you up.

Cappie:
Naw. I'd feel like a third wheel. We were thinking of going out for a pizza. Why don't you come with us?

Maggie:
Yeah, why don't you?

Lucas:
You're going out for pizza.

Cappie:
Well, it's just a suggestion.

Lucas:
If you're so depressed how come you're eating pizza?

Cappie:
Maybe I should just go home.

Lucas:
No. Go eat pizza. Don't let me spoil your depression.

[Lucas runs to get his bike as Maggie runs behind him]

Maggie:
Are you okay? Where are you going?

Lucas:
To the dance.

Maggie:
By yourself?

Lucas:
Hey, I'm a party animal.

[Lucas gets on his bike and rides away]

Coach:
What the hell are you?

Lucas:
Excuse me?

Coach:
Who suited you up?

Lucas:
Well, I'd like to speak to you about that. This equipment just doesn't fit.

Coach:
No, that's not the problem. It's you that don't fit. Now go turn it in.

Lucas:
Excuse me. I can run really fast when I concentrate.

Coach:
I said turn it in. Now, get off the field. [yells to the other players] All right, everybody inside for chalk talk! Shower up, first. Let's go, go, go, go, go, go!

Lucas:
You're making a big mistake. I'll be good at this. I can lower my center of gravity. See? Look. [Lucas does a few little spins left and right] See? And my size, I gotta run fast. If they catch me, I'm dead.

Coach:
Just, listen, little buddy. We got our first game this Saturday against Rockford and I don't have time to dick around with you.

Lucas:
Well, I'm afraid... you'll have to, sir... dick around with me. The Supreme Court, by virtue of the sexual discrimination act says, that if anyone tries out for a team sport has to be given the same chance as everyone else. Now, if you wish to cut me based on my performance, that's your right, but I'll take you to court if you try it before.

Coach:
What's this sh*t?

Lucas:
I looked it up. My family's in law.

[Lucas walks off the field as Coach Boyd looks at him with his mouth open]

[Lucas hides away from Maggie under a bridge]

Maggie:
Come on out, Lucas. I know you're in there. I can see your feet. [joins Lucas under the bridge] Have you been crying?

Lucas:
Yeah. So what? I mean, wimps do that. Didn't you know? Just like big, strong guys.

Maggie:
What do you want me to do, Lucas?

Lucas:
I don't care. Just keep doing what you're doing. Go to bed with him.

Maggie:
That's not fair.

Lucas:
Yeah, a lot of things aren't fair.

Maggie:
Lucas, you and I were just friends.

Lucas:
Why?

Maggie:
What do you mean, why?

Lucas:
I mean, why just friends?

Maggie:
Because that's all we were.

Lucas:
Yeah, but why?

Maggie:
Well, you're 14.

Lucas:
Romeo was 14.

Maggie:
I don't know, Lucas. There are certain people you like in a certain way, and others you like as a friend. I don't know why. You know about science, do you know why?

Lucas:
Yeah. Actually, I do. It's called the process of natural selection. You ever heard of Darwin? The males who demonstrate physical prowess are the most attractive to the females. And by breeding with the strongest males, the females ensure survival of the species.

Maggie:
You know how wonderful you are?

Lucas:
Yeah, but it doesn't turn you on, does it?

Maggie:
Lucas, we're just friends.

[Lucas looks at her and tries to kiss her; she bemusedly backs away from]

Maggie:
What am I going to do with you?

Lucas:
[Heartbroken, he gets up and goes to the nest] Go away. Go. [eyes her] Leave! LEAVE!! GO!! GO AWAY!!!

Maggie:
[at the hospital, she begins to cry] You could have gotten killed.

Lucas:
Did we win?

Maggie:
No way.

Lucas:
Boy. They sure were big.

Maggie:
[she laughs] I don't want you ever playing football again.

Luca:
Okay.

Maggie:
You.

Lucas:
Magpie.

Maggie:
Locust. They're all gone, you know. The locusts. I was just outside. They aren't making any noise anymore.

Lucas:
Not for 17 years.

[Maggie holds Lucas's hand]

Lucas:
I'm sorry for doing this.

Maggie:
I guess you had to.

Lucas:
Yeah.

Maggie:
You know, survival of the species and all. [both smile] What are you thinking?

Lucas:
I'm just wondering where we'll be when they come back.

Maggie:
Who?

Lucas:
The locusts.

Maggie:
Gosh, I don't know.

Lucas:
You'll be 33.

Maggie:
Oh, wow.

Lucas:
I'll be 31 1/2. I wonder if we'll still know each other.

Maggie:
I don't know.

Lucas:
I hope so.

Maggie:
Oh, me too.

[Lucas and Maggie smile together]