M*A*S*H

Hawkeye:
Nurse, you got a clamp?

Lt. Dish:
Yes.

Hawkeye:
Scratch my nose.

[While making out]

Lt. Dish:
I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.

Hawkeye:
Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.

Duke:
Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.

Trapper:
Back home. I told you before.

Duke:
No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?

Trapper:
Mmm.

Duke:
Where?

Trapper:
Hospital.

Duke:
Which hospital?

Trapper:
Back home.

Duke:
[To Hawkeye] Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?

Hawkeye:
I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?

[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]

Hawkeye:
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?

[Trapper smirks and shakes his head.]

Hawkeye:
Hmm.

Hawkeye:
Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?

Duke:
Yeah, you told me.

Hawkeye:
They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing . . . boom!

Trapper:
Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.

Hawkeye:
Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?

Trapper:
I thought you'd never remember.

Trapper Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?

Hawkeye:
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.

Trapper:
Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?

Hawkeye:
No, no. Old Painless is what we call the, ah, "best equipped dentist in the army".

Surgeon:
[as he walks away from the shower] I'd dearly love to see that angry!

[After Trapper punches Frank Burns]

Col. Blake:
Well, what's wrong with you?

Trapper:
I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a b*tch to get up!

Hot Lips:
[About Hawkeye] I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.

Father Mulcahy:
He was drafted.

[Referring to Major Houlihan]

Trapper:
Well, what's the matter with her today?

Hawkeye:
Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.

Trapper:
It's not like her to act like this. She's a b*tch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye:
She can't even get out of the door.

[Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]

Hawkeye:
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

Duke:
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

Hawkeye:
Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

Trapper:
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

[Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]

Hawkeye:
What do you mean? What is it?

Father Mulcahy:
Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.

Hawkeye:
Oh, and you can't--

Father Mulcahy:
I can't divulge…

Hawkeye:
Can you give me a hint?

[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]

Duke:
Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.

Trapper John:
Farewell Walt.

Duke:
Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.

Hawkeye:
I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.

Duke:
That's true.

Hawkeye:
That's what we award our highest medals for.

Duke:
That's beautiful.

Hawkeye:
That's what being a soldier is all about.

Trapper:
Oh yeah.

Capt. Bandini:
Here! Here!

Hot Lips:
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.

Trapper:
So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.

Duke:
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.

Hawkeye:
I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan

Trapper:
Here! Here!

Duke:
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.

Hawkeye:
How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!

Duke:
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?

Hawkeye:
You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper] You're my witness.

Trapper:
I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?

Trapper:
Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least one nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.

Capt. Peterson:
[Outraged] Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]

Nurse:
How do you want your steak cooked?

Me Lay:
Who are you?

Hawkeye:
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.

[Trapper grunts]

[Caught by the MPs]

Trapper:
Finally caught up with us, huh?

Hawkeye:
Where did we fail?

Trapper:
I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.

Hawkeye:
She was the one in Tangiers.

[the starter's pistol goes off at the football game]

Hot Lips:
Oh my God! They've shot him!

Colonel Blake:
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown.

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy.

Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier Mcintyre:
It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.

Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier Mcintyre:
No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry b*tch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.

Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier Mcintyre:
[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

Capt. "Trapper" John Francis Xavier Mcintyre:
Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh, about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.

Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest:
Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.

Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest:
[Watching Frank Burns leave] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest:
Take care of the squirrels.

Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski:
If a man isn't a man anymore . . . what's he got left that he should be living for?

Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski:
I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy.

Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski:
[During football game] All right bud, your f***ing head is coming right off!

Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[to Hawkeye] I like to think of the army as my home.

Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Oh, kiss my hot lips!

Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!

Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[to Henry] This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake:
[to Brigadier General Charlie Hammond] Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake:
Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake:
How do ya like them apples, Charlie?

Ho-Jon:
Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent.

P.A. Announcement:
Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop—a popli—a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft.

Capt. Murrhardt:
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.

Capt. Bandini:
Something in a marshmallow?

Pvt. Seidman:
[Singing for Painless the Theme Song] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please