Maid Marian and Her Merry Men

Marian:
What do you mean you ran out of wood? What's this?

Robin:
Um... a forest.

The Sheriff:
You're as mindlessly sentimental as an Australian soap opera.

Gary:
[as he's picking up things that can't be seen] Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

The Sheriff:
Gary, what are you doing?

Gary:
Oh, I'm saying goodbye to the germs, sir. They're going out of the bin, and into the rubbish tip where they can make new friends in a totally different environment.

The Sheriff:
So it's more of a club 18-30s than a rubbish tip, is it, Gary?

Gary:
Yes, sir.

The Sheriff:
Wrong! [sprays a can of disinfectant] It's a funeral parlour! Gary, sometimes you're as stupidly sentimental as an Australian Soap Opera. Now get this place tidied up before we all die of the bubonic plague. And Graeme?

Graeme:
Yes, sir?

The Sheriff:
Get this old tin of paint out of here by 12 o'clock. Otherwise I'll chop you into a rather easy two-piece jigsaw.

Robin:
Over the last couple of days I've been a fool.

Rabies:
I never noticed the difference.

The Sheriff:
For goodness sake, Guy, we are trying to raise money for the Royal Arsenal.

Guy of Gisborne:
Well I'm not helping! I hate football!

[After having her personality altered]

Marian:
Oh don't ask me, I'm just a girlie - has anyone seen my blusher?

Marian:
But you made a mistake, Robin. It's not easy you know. They've got the power, they've got the weapons. All we've got is a Raster, a Wally and a Bearded Avocado.

Marian:
[Robin's in prison, and he thinks Marian is a traitor. Marian has got the key to open the cell door and she is outside trying to save him] Robin, Robin where are you?

Robin:
That's *my* business, I think.

Marian:
It's me, Marian.

Robin:
What do you want? Got bored canoodling with our deadly enemies, have you? Snogged so many Normans you've run out of lipsil?

Marian:
What are you talking about? I've got the key! I've come to set you free!

Robin:
I'd rather stay in here, thank you, Miss Traitor.

Marian:
Don't be silly. [she proceeds to open the door]

Robin:
Don't touch that door! Guards! Guards! Help! There's a woman trying to set me free!

Marian:
Robin, do you really want to have your head chopped off?

Robin:
Yes, if it means I don't have to look at your double-crossing face again, yes, I certainly do. [she proceeds to open the door again] Guards, guards, quick! She's got the key in the door!

Marian:
[she enters the cell] Robin, do you really want to be sliced into more pieces than a package of garlic sausage?

The Sheriff:
[sneaking up from behind] Apparently, he does, my little vixen.

Barrington:
[playing trivial pursuit] What are there 12 of, on the face of a clock?

Little Ron:
Cuckoos!

Barrington:
No. [puts card back]

Little Ron:
Pheasants!

Marian:
If a Norman wants me to be cheese- then that's the last thing I'll be!

Marian:
[hanging in shackles in the dungeon] Let me out! Let me out! [calms down] Well, that's it, then. I'm doomed. Someday, a handsome traveller will come passing by this place, and he'll see me, all thin and starved to death. Well. Not *too* thin, just a little weight off the hips. And he'll say: "Here lies the fair Marian. She was the people's friend. She loved little children and was always kind to animals! Well, except for that stupid little Pekinese she accidentally trod on. Her only crime, was to trust a *friend*." [gets angry] Ooooh, just *wait* until I get my hands on her! One trusty arrow and I'll pierce both her ears for her at the same time!

Marian:
[hanging in the dungeon] Help! Help! [gives up] Well, this is it I suppose. Oooh, how embarrassing to be put to death when your mother's staying! Why couldn't someone save me? Anyone'd do! As long as he was good looking, and a bit, you know, sulky, with a couple of day's stubble and a pair of really tight-

Robin:
[bursts through the door] Don't worry! I, Robin of Kensington, will save you!

Marian:
Oh, Blimey, not *you*! I'd rather stay up *here*, thanks!

Robin:
But you were shouting for help!

Marian:
No I *wasn't* !

Robin:
You *were*!

Marian:
I was not so!

Marian:
I know how to make pancakes. I'd have got my pancake proficiency badge if my Brownie pack hadn't been closed down for armed robbery.

Robin:
You know what we could do with? An au pair!

Marian:
Robin!

Barrington:
You can have a bite of this apple if you want.

Robin:
No, seriously! A nice little Malaysian girl or something.

Marian:
Are you deliberately trying to wind me up?

Robin:
I mean, it'd be helping the third world, you know. We wouldn't rip her off. She'd just do the washing and cooking and cleaning and ironing and washing-up and dusting and maybe blow-dry my hair when she's got a minute, and in return you'd give her English lessons. It wouldn't cost us a penny!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
I'm sales representative for a major house renovation corporation.

Marian:
Gosh! For one minute I thought you were one of those creeps who hang around outsiude supermarkets trying to sell second-rate conservatories and draughty double glazing!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Well, at least I'm employed. I'm not a housewife like *some* people.

Marian:
What do you mean? I'm a freedom fighter, and you know it.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
A *freedom fighter*. Of course! I'd forgotten. That's why you have to do the shopping, isn't it? So your men have got the freedom to fight.

Marian:
Rose!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
By the way, those are nasty bags you've got under your eyes, love. Why don't you put your shopping in them?

The Sheriff:
[the Sheriff has Walter's head in a vice and is twisting the wheel] Does this hurt?

Walter:
No.

The Sheriff:
How about this? [Twists wheel with all his strength]

Walter:
No.

The Sheriff:
Oh, stupid thing, I don't know what's wrong with it.

Walter:
[Straightens up and lifts the vice off his head] Let me have a look.

The Sheriff:
It's not the bearings, is it?

Walter:
I hope not, mate, for your sake. You're looking at a lot of money if it's the bearings.

Weasel:
[Hanging on the wall] That's the 1136 model, isn't it? With the chrome secondary spike? It'll be the bearings, I'm telling you! They're renowned for it. He should have got the 1138!

Marian:
Robin? What's the difference between you and a total jerk?

Robin:
Erm... I don't know.

Marian:
Neither do I!

Marian:
Barrington, would you mind not bursting into song every time I talk to you. This is the Worksop High Road, not Sesame Street.

Guy of Gisborne:
[singing] Ding-a-ling-a-ling / Dong-a-long-a-long / I'm a little silly / And this is my song / Dong-a-long-a-long / Ding-a-ling-a-lilly / This is my song / And I'm a little silly.

King John:
Guy, will you please stop putting me off with your mindless moronic drivel. It's bad enough to win the Eurovision Song Contest!

Robin:
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY UNDERPANTS!

Rabies:
Raffle tickets! Who will buy a raffle ticket? Fabulous prizes!

The Sheriff:
You, cretin! What are your fabulous prizes?

Rabies:
A fabulous box of mud, 12 fabulous bottles of mud and a fortnight holiday for two.

The Sheriff:
Where?

Rabies:
In some mud.

Robin:
There you go, Barrington. You're a National Health dentist, so you get that one...

Barrington:
Neat, man!

Robin:
...and I'm private, so I get the one with the fur collar. Oh wow, do we look the business or what?

Robin:
I'm Chief Dentist Robin, and I've got about seven dentisting certificates on my wall, you know? This is Dentist Barrington, Dentist Little Ron...

Rabies:
And I'm Rabies, aren't I?

Robin:
Of course you are! And you're a dentist too, aren't you?

Rabies:
No.

Robin:
No. How silly of me. He's the hygienist!

Marian's Mum:
What, with those teeth?

Little Ron:
No, he uses his hands.

Marian:
[breezes in, carrying a large stack of files] Morning, dentists!

Robin:
Hey, it's Maid Marian, our dental receptionist!

Marian:
...and this is the Arndale Centre. You have a look round the shops, and I'll go and pay the vegetable man.

Marian's Mum:
Nice, isn't it?

Marian:
Oh, we've got everything, mum. [They walk past a line of peasants holding trays] Sainsbury's, Mothercare...

Marian's Mum:
[Takes a boot out of one of the trays] Boots?

Marian:
No! McDonalds.

King John:
I hate guests. Why shouldn't I put my feet up on the table?

The Sheriff:
No reason at all, my Lord. I merely suggested that you don't start dusting your athlete's foot until the Countess has finished her pudding.

The Sheriff:
So you'll marry her?

Guy of Gisborne:
Oh yummy with knobs on!

King John:
What?

The Sheriff:
I think that's idiot speak for "I will".

Marian:
How embarrassing to be put to death when you've got your mother staying.

Snooker:
This is the worst band I've ever heard!

Gladys:
What? Worse than Thelonious the Monk and his Tone Deaf Carol Singers?

Snooker:
Yes...

Gladys:
Worse than The Jelly Gargling Choir of Judas the Music Hater?

Snooker:
Yes...

Gladys:
Worse than New Kids on the Block ?

[pause]

Snooker:
This is the second worst band I've ever heard!

Little Ron:
Well, don't just stand there, let's do something!

Marian:
I see. And how do we get into the castle?

Barrington:
Easy! We divert a stream so that it runs along by the castle walls, right, and gradually it'll wear them away.

The Sheriff:
If King John knows we've got a chicken, he'll have his teeth around her so quickly it will make Jaws 2 look like a goldfish.

Guy of Gisbourne:
If it's for a good cause, give all you can. That's what my scoutmaster used to say. Until he went bankrupt.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Well, that's just about cleaned everybody out. Quite a nice day's work, I think. I get Guy's purse, and Much buys a job lot of second-hand weapons from the Albanian Ministry of Defence and makes five hundred gold pieces from the King...

Marian:
What?

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
...nine gold pieces, sixty-three hubcaps and a Boots token from the Merry Men, and two pounds of carrots and a marrow from the people of Worksop.

Marian:
The dirty, double-crossing, slimy...

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Yep! And we get a fortnight's holiday for two at a rather posh holiday camp near Pwllheli, don't we Much?

Gladys:
He's gone, Rose.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
What do you mean?

Gladys:
He says to say thank you for Guy's purse, and he'll see you around sometime.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
What? Much! You promised! You said you loved me more than... [it sinks in] Oh knickers! We'll never get him now!

Barrington:
[to Marian] You do know we want you to go on being our leader, don't you?

Rabies:
Yeah! Robin wanted me to be a bouncer, but I can't bounce.

Little Ron:
Anyway, your gang's more fun, with all the killing and maiming and stuff!

Robin:
Hang on! She made us look stupid, and I hate looking stupid. And you lost us all our money!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
And she snogged that double-crossing Much in public!

Marian:
At least I didn't snog him in private like *some* people. Anyway, it wasn't a proper snog. I was thinking of something else.

Robin:
Oh, I always do that when I'm snogging.

The Sheriff:
She's only a girl. If she doesn't do what you tell her, just slap her round the back of the legs with a ruler.

King John:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to marry this woman...

Graeme:
[off screen] What, all of us?

King John:
...to this man.

Gary:
[off screen] Oooh, I love weddings, don't you?

King John:
Will the bridesmaids shut up, please?

King John:
Fergie? What sort of a name is that? Girls are called things like Mandy and Claire and Eleanor of Aquitaine, not Fregie!

Robin:
Something terrible's happened to my bottom!

Guy of Gisborne:
[telling about his Christmas presents] And my own personal Walkman!

Marian:
[pretending to be interested] Really!

Guy of Gisborne:
Well, he runs if you shout at him. And- I have a yo-yo!

Marian:
Have you?

Guy of Gisborne:
Yo! Ha, ha, ha! Do you get it? I said I've got a yo-yo, you said, "Have you?" and I said, "Yo"!

Marian:
[fake laugh] Yes! Hysterical! Shall we find somewhere to sit down?

Robin:
But what if they ask me about carpet laying? I've never *laid* *anything* in my life!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
We'll say you're on work experience.

Robin:
I'm a little... *mature* for that, aren't I?

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
We'll say you're a slow learner.

Robin:
But will they *believe* it?

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Robin, I'm *sure* they will.

Marian:
[Marian and Nettle watch from a distance as the hysterical young women of Worksop flock around Robin] Young girls! It's pathetic, isn't it?

Cowpat:
[to Robin] Would you mind signing my arm, please? I've never met a real star before!

Robin:
Oh well, I suppose so, okay, yeah!

Cowpat:
Oh, I'll never wash again!

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
You never wash anyway.

Robin:
Who shall I put it to?

Cowpat:
Cowpat, please!

Robin:
Cowpat. It's a pretty name. "To Cowpat, with love and best wishes from-"

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Can I touch your hair, please?

Robin:
Well...

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
Can I, can I, can I?

Marian:
Look at him! His head's so swollen it'll split in two in a minute, and his brains'll drop out.

Robin:
[Calls over] Hey! Marian! Apparently Smash Hits readers have voted me the outlaw they'd most like to snog!

The Sheriff:
For the eighty-seventh time, shut up!

Gary:
Eighty-sixth.

The Sheriff:
SHUT UP!

Gary:
Eighty-seventh.

King John:
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, that's all I ever hear! I don't want much out of life: Robin Hood dead, my nephew off my hands, and a national anthem with a little bit of go in it. It's not a lot to ask, but do I get it? No way!

Graeme:
Poor King John. The cares of the nation lie very heavy on his shoulders, don't they sir?

The Sheriff:
Yes, with a bit of luck a few more cares will dislocate them and his head'll fall off.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
[in a stage whisper from across the courtyard] Sheriff!

The Sheriff:
Yes Gary?

Gary:
I didn't say anything.

The Sheriff:
Oh.

'Rotten' Rose Scargill:
[edges closer] Sheriff!

The Sheriff:
You're not mucking about are you Gary?

Gary:
No sir!

The Sheriff:
[spooked] You haven't... turned into a woman, have you?

Gary:
[defensively] No sir, my bike's got a crossbar and everything!

Gary:
Poor King John. The cares of the nation lie very heavy on his shoulders.

The Sheriff:
With a bit of luck a few more cares will dislocate them and his head will fall off.

Marian:
One day we'll win. One day England will be free. School dinners won't make us throw up. Swimming pools won't stink of chlorine, and girls will be able to play football at school. And who do you think will get all these things done, Robin?

Robin:
Er, the Football Association?

Marian:
Us, Robin! And people like us. In people's hearts there'll always be a Robin Hood. There'll always be a Barrington, Little Ron and a Rabies!

Robin:
I suppose so. And, you forgot something.

Marian:
What?

Robin:
There'll always be a Maid Marian!

Marian:
Thank you, Robin.

Robin:
[aside] Mind you, no-one will remember her, will they?

Nettle:
Well, what are you going to do?

Barrington:
What do you mean?

Nettle:
Well, if one of you was trapped in the castle, what would you do?

Barrington:
We'd ask Marian.

Nettle:
She's trapped in the castle!

Barrington:
Well, that's what we'll do then. We'll get inside the Castle and ask her!

Nettle:
Ask her what?

Barrington:
How to get inside the cast... no, that won't work will it?

Rabies:
No, it's a load of rubbish. If we get inside the castle, to ask her how we get inside to rescue her, she won't be there, will she? We'll have to put her back inside to get her out again!

Gary:
Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye.

The Sheriff:
Gary, what are you doing?

Gary:
I'm saying bye bye to the germs, sir. They're going in the bin, out the gates and onto the rubbish heap. But they can have lots of fun making new friends in a totally different environment.

The Sheriff:
So it's more a Club 18-30 holiday than a rubbish heap.

The Sheriff:
Gary, sometimes you're as stupidly sentimental as an Australian soap opera.

King John:
As you know, I'm not a strict man and seldom use the cane. But there are three rules in this castle which must be obeyed. One, everyone must wear full uniform and the correct footwear at all times. Doctor Martin's All Weather Goat Kickers do not constitute the correct footwear. Two, no-one is allowed behind the cow sheds during the lunch hour for any reason whatsoever. Three, no-one, but absolutely no-one, is allowed to date, marry or in any way get off with one of my deadly enemies!

Robin:
I know humility's really important, right, but was I truly brilliant or what?

The Sheriff:
[singing] It's Bloopy Eve, the kids are in their beds / With anticipation buzzing 'round their heads / They've written out their Bloopy list, hung out the Bloopy stocking / And soon the man they love to love will get them all a-rockin'!

Peasants [group]:
[singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!

Gary:
[singing] Dry your eyes, don't look so droopy!

Graeme:
[singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!

The Sheriff:
[singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!

Peasant 1:
Where's he from?

The Sheriff:
[singing] He lives far away in Bignose Land / With a hundred big-nosed boys / Who hammer away with their noses all day / To make all the Bloopy toys / And in his stable he has got / Sixteen hippopotamuses / And he harnesses them to a silver sleigh / 'Cause he doesn't like using buses

Peasants [group]:
[singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!

Gary:
[singing] Let's be gay, let's make some whoopee!

Graeme:
[singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!

The Sheriff:
[singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!

Peasant 2:
What's he do?

The Sheriff:
[singing] He climbs right down your chimney stack / But if you haven't got one / He'll crawl out of a radiator valve / Unless it's a very hot one / Then his hippos will come and smash down your door / And if you've been good he will thrill you / All the good girls and boys, he gives presents and toys...

Gary:
[singing] But if you've been bad, he will kill you!

Peasants [group]:
[singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!

Gary:
[singing] Nice as pie...

Graeme:
[singing]... and cute as Snoopy!

The Sheriff:
[singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!

Peasants [group]:
[singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!

The Sheriff:
[singing] Big as a mountain / Round as 2p / Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!

Marian:
Anyone fancy a finger?

Marian:
Robin, the whole of Sherwood's starving! Thousands of peasants are skinnier than anorexic stick insects, and all you can think about is the fact that you haven't had your elevenses! How does that make you feel?

Robin:
Well, my tummy's a bit rumbly...

Barrington:
Ain't you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?

Robin:
Is it a pub?

Graeme:
How come you know so much about France?

Gary:
I've got a pen pal there.

Graeme:
But you can't write.

Gary:
I know. We just send each other pens.

Rabies:
Strewth, I don't reckon much to this parallel universe! Everyone's behaviour has altered so fundamentally, they're no longer able to function in an appropriate fashion.

Marian:
Oh Rabies, you're much too brainy for an empty-headed chatterbox like me!