Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

[Martha rushes through the kitchen]

George Shumway:
What's the matter? The house on fire?

Martha Shumway:
It would be better for us all if it was!

Librarian:
Do you know what aspects of venereal disease she wants books on?

Mary Hartman:
Um, I think mostly on the disease itself. And how not to die from it.

Librarian:
Perhaps it would be better if your friend came in herself.

Mary Hartman:
She can't.

Librarian:
Why?

Mary Hartman:
She's in traction.

Cathy Shumway:
You know, isn't it ironic - that if one of us had to get it, it's a miracle it was you.

Mary Hartman:
I know, I must have been born under an unlucky star. You know I have filled out entry blanks for every single drawing in the supermarket for the last twelve years, and the only thing I ever won was a coupon for a small little jar of tomato paste. But they were out of tomato paste, and by the time they got more in, my coupon had expired. And now I have venereal disease.

Martha Shumway:
Now you listen here - there is nothing so bad that it can't be worse.

Charlie Haggers:
That's a comforting thought, Martha.

Martha Shumway:
That's why I'm here, Charlie. To comfort you.

Martha Shumway:
Yes, yes, things can always be worse - like my uncle Wilbur, who used to work in a cardboard factory. He came home one day with a splinter in his finger - just a little bitty old splinter. But it turned out that he had blood poisoning.

Charlie Haggers:
Well, that's terrible.

Martha Shumway:
And next day, they amputated his leg.

Charlie Haggers:
On account of a splinter in his finger?

Martha Shumway:
Oh no, no, not because of that. They found a growth in his leg.

Mary Hartman:
[Mary realizes she went to elementary school with the man who has kidnapped her] Remember me, Mary Shumway? Mary Shumway?

Mary Hartman:
Everybody means everybody. And that means you.

Loretta Haggers:
[Referring to the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman:
Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers:
All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman:
I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens. [after a pause] And the people... the people, of course.

Mary Hartman:
[On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?

Sgt. Foley:
Yes he is.

Mary Hartman:
Is he alright?

Sgt. Foley:
Well, not exactly.

Mary Hartman:
Is he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?

Sgt. Foley:
No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.

Mary Hartman:
I don't know what you mean.

Sgt. Foley:
I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.

Mary Hartman:
What was he arrested for?

Sgt. Foley:
Indecent exposure.

Mary Hartman:
[Puzzled] Indecent exposure?

Sgt. Foley:
That's right. I'm afraid Miss Hartman that your grandfather is the Fernwood flasher.

Mary Hartman:
[to Sergeant Foley, stunned] Listen. Uh, um... I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.

Mae Olinski:
Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.

Mary Hartman:
[Rambling on live TV during a nervous breakdown] If only the mail would come on time but it doesn't. And the flight plans, I mean they have got to alter those FLIGHT PLANS! I don't know. Maybe it's the working conditions in the factories. Maybe it is that, it's the working conditions. My husband works in these factor- I'm sorry my ex husband- I'm sorry, my estranged husband works in those factories. [Cracking further] Maybe it's the boycotts. I was involved in a boycott consumer. I can tell you this must've been one of the most FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I think it was then, I think- I think it was then that I began to notice a yellow waxy buildup on my kitchen floor. And this was WAY before the sexual diamond thing, WAY before! [Turning to the host, oblivious] My husband was having an affair, because he has this performance problem- [Noticing the camera, crying] Oh my God! I'm sorry. Erase, erase. Don't look. I just mean it's everything, it's just everything. It's [stumbling over her words] the cameras and the television and the p-people and the sponsors. It's too much!

Mary Hartman:
It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.

Harold Clemens:
Did it improve your emotional health?

Mary Hartman:
I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.

Mary Hartman:
[Referring to her chili] Do you think this is too spicy or not spicy enough?

Harold Clemens:
Not spicy enough. [Referring to the Lombardi murders] Of course there could be any number of psychological reasons why.

Mary Hartman:
[Deadpan] Mmhmm. [Mary pauses] So what'd you think it needs?

Harold Clemens:
Uh, what'd you have?

Mary Hartman:
I have uh, salt and... pepper.

Harold Clemens:
[Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman:
[Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What'd you think happened to me?

Mary Hartman:
Heather's one of the real achievers in her class. We think that she's sure to win the rotary club award when she graduates... that's for good citizenship and posture.

Harold Clemens:
Ah, my my- how nice.

Mary Hartman:
Yeah, oh we're sure of it, we're sure of it. [Raising her voice to Heather, who's slouched in a kitchen chair] Mr. Clemens is writing an article about the Lombari murders Heather. Heather? Isn't that interesting dear?

Heather Hartman:
[Only her eyes are visible above the table] I don't know.

Mary Hartman:
[Quietly] Can you sit up a bit straighter when you "don't know" dear?