MASH

Hotlips O'Houlihan:
Oh my God! They've shot him.

Colonel Blake:
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop. It's the end of the quarter.

Trapper John:
Well, what's the matter with her today?

Hawkeye Pierce:
I don't know, I think it's one of those Ladies' things.

Trapper John:
It's not like her to act like this. She's a b*tch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye Pierce:
She can't even get out of the door, look.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Morning Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...

Frank Burns:
Mind your own business.

Hawkeye Pierce:
No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that? Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?

Frank Burns:
Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

Hawkeye Pierce:
or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?

Hawkeye Pierce:
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

Duke Forrest:
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

Hawkeye Pierce:
Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for god's sake.

Trapper John:
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.

Hotlips O'Houlihan:
I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.

Father Mulcahy:
He was drafted.

Colonel Blake:
Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix from headquarters about you... says you stole a jeep.

Hawkeye Pierce:
No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

Trapper John:
...No. No booze. Sex. I want sex.

Trapper John:
That one. The sultry b*tch with the fire in her eyes. Bring her to me. Take her clothes off and bring her to me.

Duke Forrest:
Colonel, fair's fair... if I punch Hawkeye and nail Hot-Lips, can I go home too?

Hotlips O'Houlihan:
This isn't a hospital. It's an insane asylum. And it's your fault.

Gen. Hammond:
Henry, I have some reports here from your Major O'Houlihan that I frankly find hard to believe.

Colonel Blake:
Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye.

Colonel Blake:
Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?

Radar:
No sir, that's the one he came in.

Colonel Blake:
Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.

Captain Walter Kosciusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, D.D.S.:
I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

Trapper John:
I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV:
Who are you guys?

Hawkeye Pierce:
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.

Trapper John:
Grrrr!

Colonel Blake:
What the hell's gotten into you?

Trapper John:
I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a b*tch to get up.

Frank Burns:
I don't drink.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

Colonel Blake:
I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.

Duke Forrest:
What're you gonna do, Henry?

Colonel Blake:
Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.

Duke Forrest:
That's damn good thinking.

Colonel Blake:
Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week.

Colonel Blake:
Football game?

Gen. Hammond:
Yeah, yeah, we put up a few bets, five thousand maybe, and have a little fun. Special services in Tokyo says it's one of the best gimmicks we've got to keep the American way of life going here in Asia.

Colonel Blake:
Betting?

Gen. Hammond:
No, football.

Cpl. Judson:
Bastard, 88, called me a coon.

Spearchucker:
Called you a what?

Cpl. Judson:
Coon.

Spearchucker:
OK, that's an old pro trick, to get you thrown out of the ball game.

Cpl. Judson:
Well...

Spearchucker:
Why don't you do the same thing to him?

Cpl. Judson:
What, call him a coon?

SSgt. Gorman:
Goddamn Army.

Painless:
Your f***in' head is coming right off, pal.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.

P.A. Announcer:
Attention, all base members must report for a drug test for marij- marijua-... disregard last transmission

Duke Forrest:
Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.

Trapper John:
Well, you know, Man o'War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an average of about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.

Hawkeye:
Nurse, you got a clamp?

Lt. Dish:
Yes.

Hawkeye:
Scratch my nose.

[While making out]

Lt. Dish:
I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.

Hawkeye:
Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.

Duke:
Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.

Trapper:
Back home. I told you before.

Duke:
No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?

Trapper:
Mmm.

Duke:
Where?

Trapper:
Hospital.

Duke:
Which hospital?

Trapper:
Back home.

Duke:
[To Hawkeye] Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?

Hawkeye:
I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?

[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]

Hawkeye:
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?

[Trapper smirks and shakes his head.]

Hawkeye:
Hmm.

Hawkeye:
Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?

Duke:
Yeah, you told me.

Hawkeye:
They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing . . . boom!

Trapper:
Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.

Hawkeye:
Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?

Trapper:
I thought you'd never remember.

Trapper Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?

Hawkeye:
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.

Trapper:
Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?

Hawkeye:
No, no. Old Painless is what we call the, ah, "best equipped dentist in the army".

Surgeon:
[as he walks away from the shower] I'd dearly love to see that angry!

[After Trapper punches Frank Burns]

Col. Blake:
Well, what's wrong with you?

Trapper:
I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a b*tch to get up!

[Referring to Major Houlihan]

Trapper:
Well, what's the matter with her today?

Hawkeye:
Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.

Trapper:
It's not like her to act like this. She's a b*tch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye:
She can't even get out of the door.

[Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]

Hawkeye:
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

Duke:
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

Hawkeye:
Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

Trapper:
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

[Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]

Hawkeye:
What do you mean? What is it?

Father Mulcahy:
Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.

Hawkeye:
Oh, and you can't--

Father Mulcahy:
I can't divulge…

Hawkeye:
Can you give me a hint?

[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]

Duke:
Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.

Trapper John:
Farewell Walt.

Duke:
Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.

Hawkeye:
I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.

Duke:
That's true.

Hawkeye:
That's what we award our highest medals for.

Duke:
That's beautiful.

Hawkeye:
That's what being a soldier is all about.

Trapper:
Oh yeah.

Capt. Bandini:
Here! Here!

Hot Lips:
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.

Trapper:
So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.

Duke:
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.

Hawkeye:
I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan

Trapper:
Here! Here!

Duke:
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.

Hawkeye:
How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!

Duke:
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?

Hawkeye:
You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper] You're my witness.

Trapper:
I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?

Trapper:
Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least one nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.

Capt. Peterson:
[Outraged] Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]

Nurse:
How do you want your steak cooked?

Me Lay:
Who are you?

Hawkeye:
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.

[Trapper grunts]

[Caught by the MPs]

Trapper:
Finally caught up with us, huh?

Hawkeye:
Where did we fail?

Trapper:
I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.

Hawkeye:
She was the one in Tangiers.

[the starter's pistol goes off at the football game]

Hot Lips:
Oh my God! They've shot him!

Colonel Blake:
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.

Reporter:
What do you lean on then?

Hawkeye:
Mostly terror. There is always terror to fall back on. You know what

it's like? It's like a car accident you know when everything goes into slow motion

and you suddenly see thing for the way they really are. And you say to yourself

"Oh so that's what it is like for a bomb to explode a few feet away from you."

Do you ever get hit here?

Oh they've bombed the crap out of us a number of times. The beams shake the

dust fallen into your patient it's not nice.

Reporter:
Any other times you were afraid?

Hawkeye:

At night sometimes at the beginning of the night sometimes before

dawn when you realize you're not sleeping and you suddenly begin to think of

where you are and what might happen to you and then you notice that the cot is

shaking. And you wonder why the cot is shaking and it's because your heart is

pounding.