Meet the Medic

Spy:
[the RED Medic opens the refrigerator to get a new heart, and inside is a living, and bored, head of the BLU Spy] Kill me.

Medic:
Later. [he grabs a baboon heart and closes the door]

Heavy:
[after receiving his new heart and being fully healed, the Heavy takes a deep breath] What happens now?

Medic:
Now? [Chuckles] Let's go practice medicine...

Heavy:
[on the operating table, the Heavy laughs as Medic finishes a joke] Oh-hoh-ho no more!

Medic:
Wait, wait, wait, it gets better. When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again! [laughs again, then pauses] Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license, heh.

Medic:
[the Medic has Heavy's heart outside his body temporarily while operating, keeping him alive with a medi-gun. He prepares to augment the Heavy's heart with a mechanical device for accepting an ?berCharge] Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I'm fairly certain your heart... [the heart explodes]

Heavy:
What was noise?

Medic:
The sound of progress, my friend.

Heavy:
[the Medic drops the new, and now ?berCharged, baboon heart in the Heavy's open chest cavity, where it wriggles] Should I be awake for this?

Medic:
Ah heh. Well, no, heh. But as long as you are, could you hold your rib cage open a bit? [he tries to push the heart in] I can't... seem... [suddenly, the heart is shoved in with a crack]

Heavy:
Ah! [a rib has broken off]

Medic:
Oh, don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back! [to his pet dove, Archimedes] No they don't.

Heavy:
[getting ready to attack an incoming wave of soldiers, the Medic's ?berCharge is ready] Doctor! Are you sure this will work?

Medic:
Ha ha ha, I have no idea! [he flips on the ?berCharge switch, making the Heavy invincible, and they advance forward with the Heavy's minigun mowing down soldiers]

Heavy:
[invincible while attacking the incoming soldiers with his minigun] I am bulletproof!

[last lines]

Medic:
[many RED team members wait in the medic's office lobby for their turn to get a heart that can accept ?berCharges; in the operating room, the Medic finishes up work on the Scout] That looks good. Very nice there. Yes!

Scout:
Hey, thanks doc! [opens the door to the waiting room, his chest glowing. He is happy at first, but then feels the pain after a moment] Awhawhaw, man! You would not BELIEVE... how much this hurts. [muffled dove coos are heard, and the Scout's chest moves]

Medic:
[still in the operating room] Archimedes?